[bettie]

 
Hi Guys!
Oh, what a lovely time! There is something wonderful about waking up to a camp fire and the smell of coffee, eggs and bacon cooking on an open fire! Too bad they can’t bottle that!
The nights were clear and cool, the days warm and sunny. Kathryn, I think I saw your star looking down and winking at me!
I took a 5 mile bike ride, my b-hind id still sore! There were inclines along the way and some would be hard to climb. I saw a beautiful young girl, maybe 20, paralyzed from the waist down, wheeling her chair up one of the steeper hills, no backup, no helper, just brave determination that a little hill would not stop her from her destination, It shamed me a bit to see her, the hand that was dealt her, and her strength against the struggle, nothing was stopping her from being happy, independent, and free, making my problems seem small indeed.I fought the hill, I made it to the top, and there was a payoff, coasting back down with the cool breeze in my face and thrill of the ride, freefalling and carefree. It reminded me of what Larry posted to me about the roll coaster, there’s a payoff for the struggle, just another reminder of how blessed I am!
I spent a lot of time looking at the campfire, thinking of my GT friends,( my head being clear for the first time in a long time) and the things I have learned from posting and chatting here.
We listened to some old school country music, walked by the river, watched the geese taking a break from their trek south for the winter. Took in the beauty of nature, the trees just starting to turn their lovely yellows, oranges and reds of Fall.( Hi Jennie!)
Had a few long talks with my mom. She was telling me that all that’s wrong with her is all her fault. I told her that was really funny, since all that’s wrong with me was her fault too! LOL! She laughed, said well one of her kids had to turn out like her so it might just as well be me!
I tried to advise her on how to be happier, she complains constantly about everything, and told her I wanted to hear about something she DID like, and then we could do some of those things.
Don’t want to think about work tomorrow, L , so I am still on vacation today, tomorrow will just have to take care of it’s self!
Peace
Bettie
ps Laura, the goodie bag was really good! Mascara, nail polish, eyeshadow, blush, powder, a makeover is a bag! Such a sweet sister I have!– 10/11/2010 10:39:02 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just talked to my sister, i have to pick up my niece for the campout. She said I have a little goodie bag for you, don’t let anyone see it. I asked what for and she said I want you to feel better and stop blaming yourself for things you didn’t do, it’s driving me crazy that you think like that. I told her how I was sorry i was to worry her and she said she was so glad I told her, if i can’t tell her then who could her baby sister turn to?
I feel loved.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

P.S.  I went to the grocery store the other day and walked by the section with flowers.  It smelled SO wonderful and I smiled…then I thought of you and your comment about "going to find beauty"….
Jennie, u are so sweet to think of me, your kindness reminds me of my own Jen, there must be something in the name..

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wow, the concert was fun but I am much to old for a venue with no seating, lol! We stood for 4 hours, my legs hurt! There were RUDE people dancing during the concert , pushing, shoving, and drunk as XXXX! Oh well I didn’t let them ruin my fun. I go downtown about 2 times a year so thats it for this year, lol! The traffic was awful on the way there but I had forgotten how beautiful the city is at night. It truely is a wonderful city, I’ve lived here my whole life, and am just discovering the place.
My cousin called before I left to meet her. She was telling me about an antique table cloth she bought for me, it is red and white, like my kitchen and is casino themed! Ok, she doesn’t know I am cg but come on, do I really need that? I looked around my kitchen. I have an Old School Vegas plate on the wall, I have mugs from various casinos, and the d*mn ash tray I am using was stolen years ago from the Golden Nugget! I have 2 different cigrette lighters, one poker and one a slot machine ( gifts from my cousin) and a wallet with women playing poker. I am SUROUNDED with gambling stuff and didn’t even realize it!  Time to clean house!
When we were in the elevator at the parking gararge we weren’t sure which was the exit floor. I told her it was #2, as it had a star by the button, like a hotel. She pipes up, Oh, you mean like the casino, and proceeds to tell her friend how I went quite often and how "lucky" I was when I went. I had to stop her, she wanted to bring up that jackpot I "won" ( then gave back , plus many thousands more!). I told her, I don’t gamble anymore XXXX, it doesn’t pay. Really? she says, Yes I tell her, stick a fork in me,I am done!
see u in the morning,
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi G, Hi Guys,
XXX cancel, cancel!
I can not control what others think. I can not keep beating myself up for my sins, real or imagined.
Yes, I do need to think before I speak, I have a sharp synical mind and things just pop out of my mouth, thanks for the reminder G, you are right.
I saw my sister today and went to lunch. I told her about the landlord, the $$, the daughter’s drug issue, everything. I think she was glad I told her however I wish I had not, as I know she has enough on her plate with her own life right now. Well, at least the truth is out there and I know I have a place to go and a person to talk to when things have me down. She loves me, I forget that sometimes, when I have so much pity for myself and forget to be thankful for all the good things that have happened to me this year. It’s been rough but it’s been worse, so stop complaining bettie!!
Cousin called, looking foward to the show tonight, hangover is almost gone too! I drank like a fool last night, drowning my sorrows, dummy! I realized when i looked at my email that I tried to download an online casino last night! They sent me a welcome letter. I deleated it, and i went into my programs and deleated the casino too. If I start that cr*p, online gambling, I am cooked!
I refuse to let that happen. I choose not to go there.
peace
bettie
 
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
larry again, thanks!
Kathryn, you are always so thoughtful!
I got the check I was waiting for, paid some bills straight away. Tonight would have been the only night I could have possibly "slipped out" and gambled, yes, I thought about it, but I didn’t.
Got some news from a friend that made me really sad today. I somehow feel like I let them down, even tho they insist i didn’t. My words can be harsh, my meaning taken the wrong way. All i want to do is help, yet some how I really turn people off. I feel quite worthless, and unlovable.
This too shall pass, I guess
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Thanks for the concern and the link. I am quite ignorant of getting help for myself and afraid to ask. Why? Maybe because I think I don’t think I’m worthy or worth saving. Maybe I am just afraid. Maybe I’m just lazy and would rather complain about it and do nothing to resolve it.
Give me a kick Larry, that what friends are for sometimes.
Thanks!
bettie

[bettie]

K,
Good thing the clothes were there to catch the water, saved you from mopping up! lol!
What a thoughtful guy!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

So the therapy is on hold. The medical group recommended to me is not part of my insurance network and I would have to pay $54 each session, that’s not even possible. If I find a group in the network my co pay is still $30 each visit. I am stuck in the middle. I have group insurance, which I pay about $1500 a year for. Then i have to pay a co payment for all tests and Rx. I have already spent $1100 this year for rx alone!  make too much for assistance yet can’t afford to seek treatment because I can’t pay co pays! Makes no sense!
I do have another option. They have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that will give you a few sessions then refer you to someone in the network. That doesn’t change the co pay situtation but it’s a start. I was dissapointed the last time I tried to call the assistance line I got someone I couldn’t understand! I have to be positive. I need some help, I have to get some, I have to help me help myself.
One more day of work then I’m off till tuesday! Yea!! Do the Happy Dance!!!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

I’ve been online dating, got lots of hits until I posted my picture! lol!
Guess the guys thought the gals would look like the 20 year olds ( who don’t need help ) that they show in the ads!
 

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
Just popping in to see how u are. Thanks for the weekend chat, always a pleasure to see you.
You inspire me.
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I called to make the appointment with the therapist and guess what? The two "addiction" specialist are male. I agreed to let one contact me but i had a really bad experance with a male therapist about 15 years ago and the thought of seeing a male is freaking me out! Why does this have to be so d*mm hard??
My CG friend came in the bank to cover his morgage payment. Wanted to know if I’ve been "to the boat". I proudly told him no, and i haven’t been in months, which i can say now. I told him their was help out there for this kind of thing.
He asked if he could stop by sometime, I told him yes, just call first. Am I that desperate that I will allow myself to become involved with him?  I don’t think so. We have been out a few times and now i only hear from him when he needs something. I have had enough of those kind of "relationships", I think I’ll pass.
Cousin just emailed me and she got a great deal on tickets to The House of Blue’s to see The B 52’s! Hey, something else to look foward to! Thursday night, "Love Shack, baby , yea!"
gonna work out then hopefully catch up on some threads
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Went with my daughter for a little while last night to go visit my mom. We stopped off at a gas station which was a little out of the way and got turned around. Of all things I look up and a d*mn it, I’m on the road to the casino! Just looked up, saw the sign. I wonder if my mind made me wander that way. Daughter mentioned she had never been to that one. I told her good, I never walked out with a cent when ever I left there, and I would not recommend it.
Cool today. I only have a 3 day work week then I’m OFF until Tuesday! YEA!
Have a wonderful day!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Trying to get in the chat but having trouble. Busy day! Did workout, yea! My brother called and asked me over for lunch. He made me wash my car, inside and out! He also had yard work and errands for me to do. Nice lunch but what a price, lol!
I can’t wait for the campout, haven’t done it in so long and used to go all the time when my nieces ( now 17 and 14 ) were little. I have such a good brother. I am fortunate there. We were never close until his wife left him 12 years ago. He is 7 years older and was always much closer to my sister. They are 2 years apart. I was always close with my brother who passed, a void that will never be filled.
So glad the urges have calmed down. I had the perfect excuse to go gamble, at least in my CG mind, and it didn’t beat me this time. I made a physical choice to go here (the site) instead of there, fighting the mental fight/flight thing that was going on in my head. Today I made a good choice. Today I chose not to gamble.
Thanks to you all for holding my hand and supporting me here, when I needed you most!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Good Morning!
Well, i was a marathon chatter yesterday and I thank you all for putting up with me. Ej, I don’t know that we have chatted much before or maybe it’s been a while. Thanks for giving me a lift!
Larry, when I consider someone a friend I tend to mother/smother them! If I worry about someone else it takes my mind off my troubles, so I hope you don’t mind it if i pick on you if my sixth sense kicks up, as unrealiable as it is!
Thanks for starting my day with a wonderful chat!
Rg, I’m glad I have run into you so much, I enjoy our chats so much. Look foward and prepare, not back and regret.
Laura,Vera,Kathryn, wise women that you are, nothing much to say right off hand, you guys are always right on the money, and i love chatting with you all.
I know I’ve missed some of you, I’m half asleep as I didn’t sleep well. trying not to take a pill as they keep me sleepy too long.
gonna sign off soon, work out, yea i said WORK OUT! Maybe take a walk.
Fall colors are starting and I should be camping next weekend, looking foward to something is good!
peace
bettie– 10/3/2010 2:09:13 PM: post edited by bettie.

[Author]

Posts