[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Kathryn, tx as always! Your story reminded me of a friend of mine years ago. The head of human resources was at the branch and he walked up to her and asked when was the baby due? Talk about egg on his face!
I had a customer ask me a year and a half ago ask me when was my "happy day". I told her every day was my happy day! Her husband nugged her, then she finally got it. I did too. I gave that blouse away!!
Been on the chat all weekend, again! Lots of newbees. Glad to meet u all!
Came to another conclusion. I have to stop acting like "dammaged" goods. Most of you know my history, and when I get hurt, i retreat into "victim" mode. I MUST stop letting the deamons from the past control my future. G you are so right. I let it dictate who I am. I am Not a helpless child anymore. I’ve carried that wounded little girl around for a long time. It’s time she grew up and realized that no matter what she SURIVED,she is Strong,she IS lovable, and she IS worthy of being cared for and treated well, she is SAFE and OK now. I am the victim, only if i choose to be.
wow, hard words.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I need to get busy on Saturdays. This is crazy, fighting urges today, again! I know why tho. The "landlord" was in yesterday, needed some banking stuff done. Long story short he admired my outift, then told me I looked stressed and needed to do something "about my face". Mind u i was at work but I told him Fxxx u. ( you get the picture ) He tried to explain, you look so tired, etc. What an *ss! So yea, urges today. But then again, I think back, how many other times did he reject me or hurt my feelings or insulted me and I ran off to the casino? It’s not his fault I gambled, but gambling was how I dealt with the hurt and pain he brought into my life.
I just feel empty tonight. My only friend is a cg, actively gambling and I can’t really call her. The other "friend" in my life is no friend at all really. I’m in physical pain with this leg and some other female issues, ( sorry guys! )
I feel all alone. I need to snap out of it, wish it were that easy.
I’ve "played my tape" over and over in my head today. I think that may have depressed me a bit too. I was feeling so good reciently, what happened? I let him "take my joy"! Damn him! And Damn me for feeling this way.
bettie
 

[bettie]

Funny thing happened at work yesterday.
My asst manager is on vacation so I am doing her work. I have been working on a loan that she submitted. The customer has been declined. Why? His income is from gambling, his profession, gambler. He gets a monthly payout of over $5000, he must have hit on the lottery. I only mention it because I know most of us CG’s think we would be OK with that one big win. That being the case, WHY DOES THIS GUY NEED A LOAN? His home is paid for.
My educated guess?? CG, going through money like water. What a shame. This guy should have no worries and here he is, trying to get a loan.
No matter what, as cg’s we need to remember there is NO SUCH THING AS A WIN!
just my opinion, for what it’s worth….
peace
bettie

[bettie]

WONDERFUL LARRY!!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Just thinking about you. Hope the move is going well. Miss seeing your posts but know the situtation.
God’s speed
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had an interesting chat on another site yesterday. We were discussing how to deal with folks ( not in recovery) who just insist on talking about gambling. I got alot of suggestions, most are things I have been doing., but more to the point was the urges that they brought up. There was a suggestion of "playing your tape" in your head. I didn’t quite know what that ment until it was explained to me. Kind of a virtural reality trip in your head. Mine goes something like this.
I would scrape up some money, from somewhere to go. I’d check with my gambling buddy to see if she was interested pick her up unless she had something better to do. I would tuck a way a little money that I just could NOT spend, a marker that I had to be cautious as I was hitting my limit. As soon as we got into the place I would go get a comp for smokes, check any cash balance ( not take it) and split up with my friend and head for the bar. Rum and coke, tall glass, double shot. ( I wanted a buzz as quickly as possible, I didn’t want the friend, who would be the passanger in my car, to know just how many drinks I had before driving her home.)
Then the search was on. My machines, were they paying? Was someone on them? There were a couple that I loved to play, that sometimes kept me playing, for a long time. God forbid that I left a machine, because if I did and saw someone "hit" I would be crushed because they got "my" money  so if I moved I had to move far enough so I couldn’t see or hear it.
If it was a "good" night I didn’t have to take the tucked away money. Most nights, esp if I went alone, my $$ was gone in the first hour, I had to dip into the stash, a $20 at a time. Once That was gone, I would hit the atm once, twice, until I hit my limit. Once that was gone out came the credit cards. Once they were gone, God forbid, I would write a check. When all my resources were gone, and the desperation had set in , off to see what cash was avaliable as a comp from the casino.
By then, my friend might be ready to go and she would "find" me. If I wasn’t done, she would wait a little while, as I threw away my last dine in a pittiful effort to get something back, so I might have $5 for lunch or gas the next day.
I took her home, then came the long drive. The telling myself it’s ok, you’ll be alright, figuring out what I couldn’t pay because now I had no cash. Figuring out how to cover the check, how close was payday, would I have money before it got there. I would get home and hopefully the booze would let me sleep. Most nights it didn’t. I’d sleep about 2 hours, sit straight up in bed, my mind screaming, "WHAT DID U DO? WHY!!!!!!!!" and not sleep, maybe have to call off work, my heart beating out of my chest. Sitting up in the bed, rocking back and fourth, sobbing, wondering what was wrong with me? On the worse days, I contemplated how to end it, would that hurt any more then the moment did? Was that the answer? Would anyone even miss me? Would anyone even care?
What a selfish fool I have been. Self pitty, self loathing. I need to play the tape in my head, when the urge hits,and ask myself,
DO I REALLY WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT AGAIN??
I think we all know the answer…..
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Not a happy day in bettie land! TUMMY ACHE! Woke up at 4:30 am, couldn’t go back to sleep, stayed up for the chat, 5-6am for me, tx Mike, then went back to bed after 2 antiacids. Got warm and snuggly just in time to get up late for work. I had to go in, only one scheduled, and after telling the manager I was ill he left me to work alone all of the afternoon, I didn’t even get a lunchbreak! I sent one of the guys to my favorite mexican restrurant for some beef soup. I don’t know how they make it but it has the most wonderful flavour, I ate a bit between customers. So the manager comes back at 3:45, i told him i couldn’t take lunch and asked if I could leave. No, he’s leaving at 4:30! What an *ss!
Why am I telling u all this? Heck, I don’t know! Just wanted to whine a while and the cats ate their supper and went back to sleep!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
HeY Miley41, so good to chat with you last night. I wanted to add to the conversation that when I see someone struggling with issues I never say never, there but for the grace of God go I. I’ve learned never say never, if I let myself be lax, if I let my guard down, if I fail to stay aware, I’ll be right back at it, and worse off for it.
I saw my sister yesterday. I helped my niece finish moving out of her condo and into her house. We talked a little about my cg. I told her about my friend going back to "the boat". She said maybe I need to not talk to her anymore. Funny how someone who know nothing really about CG’s can figure that out. Sick how I get so excited when she talks about gambling, I just don’t want to stop her. I know what to do. If I ask her not to discuss it she will respect that but I WANT to hear it. (Well, my cg wants to hear it!)
Need to stop the self distructive behaviour. I need to stop allowing conversations that feed into the compulsive part of my being. I need to stop letting myself be exploited, feeding alternative compulsive behaviours too.
One more step toward healing, progress not perfection.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So glad to see friends, old and new.
Wanted to "go out" last night but nothing constructive to do so I stopped to "window" shop, yea, right!
I got the most incredable deal on a pair of brown knee high boots, $17, after discounts! Can’t wait to wear them tomorrow.
Chat very slow, I’ve been on for more than an hour, no one there!
Had to laugh at the cat, got his head in a small paper bag and went running around tring to get it off!
I declaired yesterday as "Life’s too short to be a supermodel"day so i endulged in a craving for fried chicken, red beans and rice, biscuit and ice tea! Oh, now I remember how I got so heavy, lol, but again, life’s too short!
Tx to Kin for making me get offline last night and go back to bed (3:30 am here). Restless, couldn’t sleep. Trying not to take anaxity pill but broke down and took half. Still sleepy but will get moving soon.
Have a great one!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

EJ,
The worse thing I can think of happening to you with your "chess addiction"is that you will become a nerd and never get another date, lol!
good to hear from you!
peace
bettie– 10/17/2010 3:35:05 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

looks like i just missed you!
oh well, gotta go to work, will try to check in when i get home, 1:30-2:00 central.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh, I went to GA tonight. It’s hard to go to that meeting, it"s on the route that I used to take to the casino. There was a point  where I said to myself go right ( toward casino) instead of straight , no worries, I took the correct road.
People were shocked to see me, but were very welcoming. I told them what was going on, cried like a baby, made the ladies cry too! Oh well, it’s like that sometimes.
Hope to see u all on chat, looks like I just missed Vera and P, Rats!!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Eyesmar,
Wow, that origional post seems so long ago and written by a person I barely know anymore. Sprialing out of control. scared beyond words, terified of what the next day held.
Thanks for reminding me where I’ve been, and where I never want to go again!
The road is far from smooth but it’s a much better road to be on. It does get better, but I had such a hard time believing that back then, the worthlessness, self hatred, pity and loathing.
This recovery journey is not for the weak! We have to draw on the strenght thats been long hidden behing the mask of "carefree gambler". (CG)
I had a customer yesterday that just couldn’t understand how she was overdrawn. She took two withdrawls from the casino, causing two overdraft fees. She also had a purchase that caused an additional nsf charge. We gave her most of the fees back but she was still negative and recieved even MORE fees. She was livid that we didn’t reverse all the fees she got. I told her this could be prevented all together, we could "fix" her card so she couldn’t overdraw (at the casino) and would get NO overdraft fees. She refused. See, she didn’t care that she got the first two charges,( she was able to get her gambling money) but thought we were ripping her off charging a fee on the purchase she made!
Sometimes I want to be a social worker and tell people you don’t have to live like this. The pain and frustration was written all over her face. "I just can’t afford those fees!" No, you just can’t afford to keep living this "carefree gambler" life. But of course I could not. I told her I would ask for additional fees for her but most likely they would not give her anymore rebates.
I see this every day. I always told myself "I’m not like that, If i got that bad I would stop going." I could handle any fees,(payday loans) just part of "the game". What I couldn’t handle the thought of living in my car, loosing my home, living in the street. I would really rather have died then face those things, and drove home so drunk sometimes I could barely walk. "Death wish" is how I would describe it. Thank God, thats one wish that didn’t come true!
I’m glad to be here today, I’m the luckest person in the world!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
Sorry to hear about the family issue, I’ll say a little prayer for you and yours, sometimes I think it means a little more coming from sinner, who knows?
I have found in my own case anyway, when a crisis hits we find strength we never knew we had.
You are strong K, don’t forget that.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Tx Guys!
What a wonderful group tonight!
Kim keep posting, Miley start your thread!
Lee, thanks for hosting, as always!
Tired and off to bed. Hope to post tomorrow!
peace
bettie

[Author]

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