[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Trying to get motavited to work out today. Feeling a little blue and that should perk me up. I am trying to make it a productive day. Talked to my sister and she doesn’t want to do Thankgiving dinner this year. I told her I would love to do it, my place is small and no one wants to come here. Maybe we will invade Jennie’s house and cook there. She has plunty of space. Too bad she is a vegitarian! Oh well, I will suggest it anyway.
Well cat is being a real pest, trying to get me off the pc by licking my fingers and elbow! What a goof! The other one is on the floor, curled up like a baby, cute as can be, can’t stand them! I love them so much, even though they woke me up for food that they didn’t eat!
ok, get moving!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh I had a gambling dream, again! I was playing this time and got excited to "win" 1 dollar less than what would require a hand payout. I was with my ex gambling buddy and we hurried to "cash out" so I wouldn’t get caught, so I must have gone to an excluded casino. I just wanted to put the ticket back in, to see if i could "win" some more.
What was that about?
Hey Vera, I think that a bank robbing CG just might be a new low for me so I’ll pass, lol!
Miss P good to see u chatting up a storm!! DD, RG, Lizbeth, tx for posting! Michelle, when will U get a thread?
Got to get to work
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey guys, thanks for the lovely posts!
I was watching the new last night and a story caught my eye.
We have a serial bank robber working the area. Being in a branch that really caught my eye. They say where he’s been targeting and mention that he is getting braver, going from robbing a single teller to a "take over", which means he is robbing the whole teller line and "taking over" the bank with a gun. Very dangerous and Frightning! So they interview the police investgator and he states this guy is desperate for money, he must be a COMPLUSIVE GAMBLER or drug addict.
Sometimes I forget where this ugly addiction will take you. Insanity, prison or death.
food for thought
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
well, it was a busy day. I did go back to sleep, caught some chats, and did my workout. Went to my daughters to see the grand dogs, took them for a long walk. Did some yard work, pulled dead plants from her garden, mopped floors and did her dishes. WHy u may ask? Well, after she fell her bf managed to cut his hand really bad, she called paramedics because she thought his finger was severed! Stiches and an or visit. Fun!
Jen’s dr called today, thinks her foot is FRACTURED! WHAT THE H*LL! It will be a week tomorrow, I assured her they would have called her right away if food was broken! Now off work somemore for more scans tomorrow.
I remember my friend who passed away from alcoholism told me once that loosing weight must be really hard because unlike drinking you HAD to eat. It’s kind of like HAVING to go to the casino with $5 a day, when you want to gamble $500!
Thats been on my mind, don’t know why. Well maybe I do. I’m mad that I have to work at it and for most people it is a natural part of their being. OK, thats out. Just doesn’t seem fair but really, it could be so much worse. At least this I can fight, some things you can’t.
I am blessed
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So what am I doing up at 4:20 am? Time Change! I was half asleep and remembered that Kathryn would be doing the group but thought it was 4 my time but is really 5 my time! Oh well, I’ll stay up so I can say hi.
Went to see a movie yesterday with my ex gambling buddy. We saw "For Colored Girls",(who considered sucide when the rainbow is enuff) based on a stage play. Even though this was directed toward African – American women it transends race and culture. It was tough to watch. The women break into poetry to describe what they feel and what is going on in their heads. I could relate to a couple of the women- all to well- esp. the woman who was in an on again and off again relationship and spoke of the man "taking her stuff", and not letting it continue.
I teared up at the movie, I never do that. Too close to home I am afraid. But i was moved by the plight of the women and how they continued on, because they found value in themselves, and got past the situtation and on with life.
I will get the book. I want to read the poetry and disect it a bit.
Well thats my movie review, lol!
I am off today. I did workout yesterday, 2 miles, i couldn’t do it full on but the effort was worth it. I’ve got to try to do a little each day because I can’t do alot at once. Kind of like gambling, kind of like life, odaat!
peace
bettie
ps so nice to see everyone on the chat! Lizbeth, hope to see u post soon!

[bettie]

Hi P Hi Ej,
I was looking at ej’s sixand a half months and thought wow! I had to pull the calander off the wall to figure out my "clean" time. 81 days. I had forgotten how quickly the time adds up. I’m still waiting for the good life that gamble free can bring, and i’ve had some, but it has not been an easy road. My life has never been on an easy road, (who’s is?) but sometimes i think we think that gamble free = happy life. Well it wasn’t too happy before , maybe why the cg, but if i can find some happy maybe i will be less tempted to go back.
I have two days off and right now am thinking i have enough time to go. I have to remind myself it is pointless, no fun, and leads to financial and emotional distruction.
I promised a workout and am gearing up for it. I have the negative thought that since i can’t do much it really won’t help but that thinking is destructive too. Even if i can only do 2 miles it will help. If i do a little each day it will add up. If i eat better ( I cooked a lot of stuff yesterday ) I will feel better too.
Time to get off the chair and on the floor!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey,
Tx for the posts guys! So nice to see u all on the chat. DD, i’ll catch u soon i hope.
Had high hope of cleaning and doing stuff but leg pain! Yuck! And 4 hours on the open chat that will slow you down! lol!
Well i am going on with my life.
I wish i was not alone tonight. I cooked a bunch of food and ate a bunch too. Should do something productive but being lazy.
This is when the lonely hits. But it will go away. Got some hits on the dating site. Not bad looking guys either so I responded. Hey, it would beat sitting here right now, we will see.
I gonna work out first thing tomorrow, i don’t care what my leg feels like. If it acts up too bad i’ll just stop but I must at least try. I am making excuses and that will lead to disaster as far as my weight goes. Why can’t I substitute excersize for gambling? I woukd be so slim and healthy!! lol!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just wanted a quick post befor i leave for work.
The meeting/pinning was beautiful. The mans daughter came to pin him and spoke, not a dry eye in the house!
There was a sad note. There was someone from the GA counsel there to speak. She stated it was the worse week of her life but she was so glad to be there. One old time member had passed away and another active member commited sucide. A reality check really. We talk about it but when it becomes a reality, insanity, prison or death, it brings it home, it is real, and I thank God it didn’t happen to me. It could have, and the sadness from that lady, talking about seeing this man’s 13 and 17 year old sons at the service, was raw and real. As much distruction that we do to family is nothing compaired to the final assault, taking our life. I can imagine what brought him there. I am so sorry he couldn’t get past it. My heart breaks for the family, even though I never met him.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for the posts guys!
Sometimes i feel like I am driving a train headed straight for a wall and can’t jump off. I live for the acceptance of others and when I don’t get it I crack. Why? Why do I seem to need that so much? The worthless feelings just overwhelm me and destroys any speck of self esteam that i may have managed to pick up along the way.
I think just the way we "punish" ourselves by gambling I am "punishing" myself with unhealthy attachements to someone who has no real interest in me but yet is interested in what I can do for him. I keep trying to help him in the name of friendship because somehow I am trying to make him change his mind and see just how wonderful I am.
I can’t make him love me, my mind knows that. He’s really no good for me and we are not alike in any way. I told him things were going to change between, that I had to stop being with him on a physical level because their is no emotional attachment. In the end the thrill just isn’t worth the pain, just like gambling. I’m still trying to escape the deamons from my childhood, the only difference between this and my cg is I am not suffereing the financal loss, just the emotional one.
Something is changing, maybe it’s me.
I am going to my ga session tonight. There is a one year pinning, a guy that lost it all to gambling, house, family, car, job, etc. But here he is, one year later, and he has a new life.
I want that too.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey guys,
Well that was ugly. The worst seems to be over. God has sent me an angel. My cousin called, she had to put her cat to sleep, and needs some support. I told her to come on over.
I have to think about someone else, this emotional stuff has to be set aside. One step at a time. I can’t deal with it all at once.
Thank you Alice, good to know someone cares and is listening. It does make me feel less alone, but the devil on my shoulder says everyone wants you to just shut up, so i will just have to be deaf in that ear and keep posting.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

How can this be? How in the H*LL did i let myself get to this place, again?
The sense of hopelessness and fear and loathing, I thought I had moved past it! I want it to STOP as I find it is unbearable.
The fact that I do not have a gambling urge, just like the last time, is strange and somehow frightning. I don’t want to do ANYTHING. Facing the facts that my life feels like such a waste of space, a gift that should have been given to someone else. I’ve wasted it, ruined it, i’m to my breaking point, I want to SCREAM! I just want to hit something and direct my pain somewhere else. I surender. I look in the mirror and I see an empty shell that used to have potential, used to be able to shake it off and think better days were ahead. I’m tired of waiting for the better day because i truely feel like life has past me by. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can’t change anything.

[bettie]

HI Guys,
Tx for asking about Jen, Her ankle is black, the top of her foot is blue. Got the x ray done and since the result wasn’t called in right away I’m sure their is no break. It looks like heck!
Well why am I posting in the middle of the night? I saw my "friend’ tonight. He really hurt me. The funny part is it’s not his fault I’m hurt really, it’s my own. He has no affection for me, I thought for a long time he did, and he played the part at first but now the most I can hope for is a peck on the cheek. He’s says how wonderful I am and what a nice person I am and how I just don’t know my potential. I’m on quite the crying jag at the moment and am waiting for the xanax to kick in hoping I might get some sleep.
We had a heart to heart talk, he is one of the few who know about my cg. He asked me what it was I wanted from my life, where did I want to go, what was my goal. I had no answer, truthfully I don’t know. He says I’m way too hard on myself and take things too personally.
He right’s, but when someone tells you they really are an affectinate person but they do not show any toward you, well for me anyway,  the question is what is so wrong with me that I am so unlovable? So untouchable? I feel discusting, and discusted for what I have allowed this man to do to me.
I want to run and hide, retreat into my shell, and never come out. If it were all so easy. I hate this feeling, I am so flawed and weak, ripe for the picking. Why would I join a dating site now? What is wrong with me? Who could possible ever want this poor excuse for a human?
bettie
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Good morning.. I hope u are reading this at home!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Boy I tell you that kid of mine! If it’s not one thing it’s another. She got off the train and slipped in some rocks and "popped" her ankle! Poor baby, said no one asked if she was alright or offered to help her up, just tried to step around her. She said she felt like she was back in New York, Not Chicago! Shame on them!
She got up and hobbled off to work. Got in to see dr after work and needs an x ray. Problem is she is driving on a ticket and doesn’t have another photo id. They require it to get services so will need to get an ID tomorrow so she can get it done!
Drama!!
off to bed
peace
bettie

[bettie]

So this is what happens when U get up too early. I was checking email and got a promo offer for an online dating service that i had subscribed to a couple years back. Oh, what the heck, the holidays are coming up and maybe just maybe some poor lonely soul is looking for a date.
I go to the "new match" section, and there ate 389 matches! They haven’t deleated one since i first subscribed and there is no way to do a mass deleate! I have to do one by one. Let me tell you, there are some scary folks out there! Some of the photos look like seral killers, DELEAT!!, lol! Men post pictures with uncombed hair and 3 day beards! One wanted to go on a "sojourn" along a flowing lake, Who did he think he was kidding? I think it was a convient way to HIDE THE BODY!!
Oh well, i will have something fun to do for a while and the best part is that all these guys got MY creepy photo and NOT ONE has ever tried to contact me!!
Time for a new photo!!
peace
bettie
p.s maybe i should change my intro too…. Lonely middle aged compulsive gambler looking for…..
Oh yea, there was one pretty hansom man but I had to deleate him on principal, his photo was him standing outside a casino!– 11/2/2010 2:04:09 AM: post edited by bettie.

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