[bettie]

ok kids, Listerine and smurfs, discuss!
just an inside joke, you should have been on the chat!
Lizbeth, SoG,and of course Vtc, thanks! You guys crack me up!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well yet another saturday night at home but guess what? I don’t care! I am tired, went out to lunch, bought cleaning supplies and cat food and want to start cleaning. I am off Monday so I want to be free to shop for Thanksgiving and bake some pumpkin pies. I really cook the pumpkin and make them from scratch. i think I am the only one who really likes them but too bad, It’s once a year and everyone can fake it for all I care, lol!
Still reeling from my ga meeting.It was so emotional, another newbee came with her daughters, didn’t say much, but I could see the pain and feel it. I just want everyone to be well you know? I am enjoying my banning honeymoon so even being alone feels good, it all feels good!
Well sitting here is getting nothing done! I want to work for an hour and see where it gets me. If I can get down to dusting and wash it will be a great accomplishment!
I’ll be back on chat later,
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Guys!
Thanks So So much for the posts! You all made my day!
Didn’t make it to the chat at 9, met a new lady at GA tonight. As what is said there stays there I won’t tell her story, and I hope to see her here telling it herself. We went to dinner and talked quite a bit. Feel like i "know" her even though I don’t "know" her. I just wanted to support her and she gave support right back, even though right now she doesn’t realize it.
L if you read this I’m thinking about you!
Have to go to bed!
Hope to see u all on the chat.
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Lizbeth, G, JULES, (so nice to see your name!) and everyone, thanks so much!
need to get ready for work. GA tonight then I hope to get on the chat around 9pm central.
Have a great one!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Well guys the native Americans of the Pokagon Nations In Michagan must have found out my Mayflower roots as i am NO LONGER WELCOME TO GO THEIR CASINO! I AM BANNED!!!!
Took me long enough didn’t it?
Sad to say they only do one year but thats ok, Unless i request a hearing the ban stays so that will work for me. i took my ex gambling buddy with me to ban. FYI don’t take an active gambler to do this. lol! She was taking her time walking through looking around. Was planning to drop some bucks I think but i told her they would most likely escort me out the door and I didn’t want to leave her two states from home! She went to the rest room, leaving me on the casino floor. I opted to get some drinks, pop and coffee, to keep my hands full. Bells and coin sounds all around me, walking past a favorite machine, it was like a cg nightmare! I wanted to say lets just play and do this next time, but i managed to take the drinks into the ladies room, heart beating through my chest, and stayed put until she was done.
As luck would have it, (luck, lol!) the guard station and the gaming board person were only a few feet away. Quick, easy, even made jokes on how we tore the casinos up in our prime! I had to take a picture, told my friend that was the worst part of it, sign a paper, and got my guard escort to my car.
That sense of reilef again. My cg fought me tooth and nail but I did it! I WON!!!
Thanks for the reminder Alice. Eric, I am so concerned about your friend’s playing around you. I told my friend how she was never to discuss her gambling with me, because I wanted to hear it and it really gave me urges to go. She promised, don’t ask don’t tell! EJ, you could gamble but what would it give you besides an empty bank account? I am lonely too but now I have no choice but to find something to do. I hope u have a blocker on your pc if thats an issue. I keep seeing a free one mentioned, k9? Worth a look ok?
peace
bettie

[bettie]

wondered why u didn’t say goodbye! lol!
May ban Michigan today. Can’t go alone so my ex gambling buddy said she would go with me. depending on when she gets done with some errands.
Such mixed emotions! I know it’s for the best but so hard to face the facts. Silly isn’t it? My cg head says don’t do it! My brain says do it and be done with it! Stop torturing yourself!
I hope she can go. I am bargening in my brain, if she can’t then you should get one last gamble in. Why would I do that? What is the point? I would waste the money I have for the holidays, and I have very little cash, so where would that money come from? Barriers, that does slow you down! Maybe I need to go back to bed and start this day over.
Sorry guys, just thinking out loud!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

ok, I made it. Turned into a productive day after all. Getting closer to that goal, could maybe even make a little money this quarter.
I have 9 days off left. Manager managed to hog up all the premum time so i asked if i could carry time over to the 1st  of january and he said ok. Don’t know if he’ll give me an additional day off next week, I am entitled to one but he may make me carry that over too. I hope not. If he does maybe I will just call off monday, we’ll see.
Little grief hit me on the way home. I started missing my " friend". I know he’s so gawd awful but here I sit, talking to myself on this thread. Then I had a gambling urge. Funny how the emotions go hand in hand.
I spent $52 dollars on two littls bags of grocerys but I had the cash and that felt good. Bought my daughter a Tofurky for Thanksgiving, $10 bucks! The real bird won’t cost much more than that but it’s once a year and I could afford it this year! ( Tofu "turkey flavored," for the veggie kid of mine )
Hey, were your relatives at the first US Thanksgiving? Mine were. Then we ravaged the nation, blah, blah, blah….lol!
Just call me pilgrim bettie, at least until after next week!
peace
pilgrim bettie
ps this post is what happens when u take pain killers all day long, just a little out of it and all over the place
 

[bettie]

hey, someone go to work for me! I so want to jump back into bed! Don’t feel well, but should drag my butt to work. Have a loan closing for my asst manager today but I don’t know. My head is swiming. Took pain med’s on an empty stomach so that didn’t help. Will make my choice soon. They don’t apreceate when I come into work not feeling well. and don’t give me a break when I do. So why do I do it?
Martyr symdrome I think. Need to remember martyr’s  are burned at the stake!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Had to laugh today.
My first customer came in with a check from the state lottery! Well, it was nice, glad to see someone get something but in reality, how much did it cost her? I ( my cg curosity ) had to know, was she a gambler, was she cg? She talked of how her family didn’t want to go to Vegas with her anymore, and how she played the lotto. Then I looked at her account. Overdrawn, casino atm withdrawls. i wonder how long her little savings will last. I wish her the best.
My cg fireman buddy called today too. "Whats my account looking like?" He got paid today but it barely covered his gambling overdrafts. His car payment is in too. "Well XXXX, your car payment is going back ( 2nd time this month ).
"Ok I’ll get some money. Have you been to the boat? " No xxxx, not for months. "really?" Yes, I’m done giving them my money. "Realy?" Yes xxxx, there is help for this kind of thing. "Oh, well have a good night."
I’m so glad that is not my life today!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

WoW Guys!
Thanks so much! Cold rainy lovely day here! I was looking for this message, I have posted it before but it means alot to me so I wanted to repeat it today. It is importaint. I know it’s long and a lot to digest but I am starting to get it. I wouldn’t be here without your support. I thank you!
peace
bettie

ENOUGH
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK.
(They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard
the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN

 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hope this evening finds you all well. I had a nice day. ( How often do you hear that?) I am on top of my goal right now, right on pace. With more hard work and a little luck, lol, I will make,  failure is not an option. The manager had to post my name on the leader board and I know that just killed my co worker, as it is usually him so na na na na na na!
Am I acting like a 2 year old or what?
Jen is now hobbling around in her soft cast, her foot is broken, and I have some grand dog duty. I don’t mind, I love those little bad boys.
My "friend" called today, asking how my weekend was. It was fine, I told him then asked what he really called for. Was going to ask me something but forgot. Well, gotta go. Click.
It’s easy to ignore him now but I need to have the real talk with him. I need him to know I will no longer accept the "relationship" we have had in the past. I need to stand up for myself. If not me then who?
I will wake up to 90 clean days tomorrow. I have had many trials to get here. I worked for it. I earned it d*mn it! And I am pleased as punch about it!
What will the next 90 be like? Too much to think about. I plan to forget about it, as much as I can, and concern myself odaat.
Every day is day one.
So many posts to read. So many wonderful friends to catch up with. Thank you guys! Where would I be now with out you? I can’t even imagine….
peace
bettie

[bettie]

I saw somewhere that if we all stood in a circle and tossed out our troubles in for the world to see, we would want our own problems back.
I see so many wonderful people here. I see their grief and struggle and decide in my mind they don’t deserve it. Life’s not fair to them. I can see their beauty. I can see their kind nature. I can feel their pain as they struggle to put it into words. I want to help.
I see the same things in myself. The only difference is while I feel they don’t deserve whats going on somehow I do.
My mind flashes back to things in my past, things I am ashamed I was a party to, things I allowed to happen. I flip into victim mode, and victimism myself over and over again.
I keep thinking I am past that. I know all the words. I know I’m not that person anymore. It’s like working a jigsaw puzzle, at this point I’ve found the corners and some of the edges, but have yet to even begin to fill it in.
Today I start new. Today I work on finding the missing pieces, to put the whole picture together. Time, no rushing here, I need to work on the quality and stop trying to force the pieces to fit.
You guys are all so wonderful and I count you all amoung the good pieces that I want in my puzzle.
Today I will give myself a break and not be so hard on myself.
Thanks for all the good advice. I love you all.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Day 88,
The frustration in my day to day gets to me sometimes. When you feel physicaly alone, and in fact are physicaly alone, the mind games start and my "CG" seems to take over. Pity, hate, desperation, depression, the truly ugly parts of life just seem overwhelming. I have things I can do, but just like early recovery, I only want to gamble, and do nothing else.
I’m at a point where i am suceeding in gambling abstinence but feel like a fraud when it comes to recovery. I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to have to work for it. I just want it to come to me, no strings attached. I am lazy, and tired, so so tired. The pain and the worthless feelings are only compounded by the people I let drag me down. Maybe thats it. Maybe by belittling me they can keep me under their thumb, a pawn for the taking, and using, because I am there when they need me. They control me with their low opinion of me, and keep me coming back for mistreatment. Body, mind and soul.
I don’t know when I will sober up to the fact that maybe I am suppost to be alone. God knows I’ve been alone for years, even being with the so called male friends I had in the past 3 years. They never wanted to be part of my life and made that clear up front. I just thought somehow, when I smothered them with my affection and treated them like Kings, I could make them love me. Somehow they could replace the self loathing, the loneliness, only to have it return and compounded, when they left me for the things really inportaint in their lives, lives I could never be a part of. Things that would never include me. What a great ready made excuse to run to the casino. I did that hundreds of times.
Knowledge is power. I need to wipe the slate clean and be reborn, somehow.
Thanks for the well wishes and points of view. They help, really they do.
I will not gamble today. It’s the only promise I will make to myself today. I have enough pain to last 2 lifetimes, I just don’t need anymore.
bettie
 

[bettie]

Thanks my friends,
Maybe this is the wake up call i need. Stupid to feel this way. He’s no prize and really he has NOTHING financally and dares to critize my little condo. I have 10 times the matarial things he has. But I don’t think like that. I’m not materiealistic like that and I don’t judge people by what they have, it’s who they are that matters.
Maybe someday I will be truely happy. I would imagine petty people like that are never truely happy. I pitty him.
peace
bettie– 11/14/2010 12:27:38 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I got over my blues quckly yesterday morning only to be put down an made it feel like a worthless piece of  *ss!
I’ll not bore you with the details, would take too long, but you know when I’m upset like this is has to do with some worthless piece of cr*p involved with my life!
My "friend" called, needed a ride. We talked in the car and my CG came up. He tells me that’s why I will never have a boyfriend, that no man would accept my financial situtation and my CG. I asked him was I suposted to do? Lie? It’s not like it was something I would bring up on a first date. Am i suposted to "buy" some love? What does that have to do with anything? I can take care of myself, really, I always have.
Nothing like having someone remind you what a pitufil mess your life is. Why do I even bother?
Need to suck up the tears and get ready for work. Put on the mask that I wear for the world to see and get on with it.
I just want to crawl into a hole, and make the world go away.
bettie

[Author]

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