[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh it’s another day home. My sleep is off, Jen has been running me ragged. But it’s all good!
It’s my first Christmas in recovery and it’s starting to feel more like I remember it.
I dreamed about my dad last night, first time in a long time since he visited me.
I don’t know why but my body just aches. Elbows, legs, maybe all the snow shoveling.
Jen hasn’t figured out what she is doing Christmas Morning. She has been here with me every Christmas, even when she lived in New Jersey and Georgia. One year she drove and spent the night on a frozen closed highway with a broken cell phone, no car charger, and 1/4 tank of gas! That was a fun one! She never drove home for Christmas again, she flew instead.
Haven’t decided what I will do today. Need to get to a meeting, want to bake cookies, need to do laundry.
Life goes on, you know?
Larry, thanks for making me feel a bit more "normal".
Lizbeth, thanks for the post.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
Tis’ the season to be ……….
Confused. I have been mood swinging like crazy! Maybe the holidays? Who knows!
Wishing you all the best for you and yours now and in the New Year!
Merry Christmas Kathryn!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Good Morning All,
Off work, up procrastnating about what i should be doing. GA sponser called. I’m on vacation and don’t feel like doing homework d*mn it! LOL! I told you she was a tough one.
Jen had me running around when she got off of work. I love how she runs off at the checkout! Just like a kid! She told me she can’t believe how much Christmas has cost her this year. Excuse me? Cost her? She said how she was off about $700 with the broken foot. I had to remind her who made up the difference. Cost her? Well thats my fault, i keep giving, she keeps taking.
I’m tired of thinking about being CG. One day maybe a day will pass where I don’t think about gambling, recovery, money, bills, etc. Guess I better not wish for that day, because I think that will only happen when I’m dead! But it does get tiresome of identifing myself as "bettie, compulsive gambler". When do I just get to be "bettie"? I know, I’ll just change my name!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Good Morning All,
Off work, up procrastnating about what i should be doing. GA sponser called. I’m on vacation and don’t feel like doing homework d*mn it! LOL! I told you she was a tough one.
Jen had me running around when she got off of work. I love how she runs off at the checkout! Just like a kid! She told me she can’t believe how much Christmas has cost her this year. Excuse me? Cost her? She said how she was off about $700 with the broken foot. I had to remind her who made up the difference. Cost her? Well thats my fault, i keep giving, she keeps taking.
I’m tired of thinking about being CG. One day maybe a day will pass where I don’t think about gambling, recovery, money, bills, etc. Guess I better not wish for that day, because I think that will only happen when I’m dead! But it does get tiresome of identifing myself as "bettie, compulsive gambler". When do I just get to be "bettie"? I know, I’ll just change my name!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Good Morning All,
Off work, up procrastnating about what i should be doing. GA sponser called. I’m on vacation and don’t feel like doing homework d*mn it! LOL! I told you she was a tough one.
Jen had me running around when she got off of work. I love how she runs off at the checkout! Just like a kid! She told me she can’t believe how much Christmas has cost her this year. Excuse me? Cost her? She said how she was off about $700 with the broken foot. I had to remind her who made up the difference. Cost her? Well thats my fault, i keep giving, she keeps taking.
I’m tired of thinking about being CG. One day maybe a day will pass where I don’t think about gambling, recovery, money, bills, etc. Guess I better not wish for that day, because I think that will only happen when I’m dead! But it does get tiresome of identifing myself as "bettie, compulsive gambler". When do I just get to be "bettie"? I know, I’ll just change my name!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

So Sorry I missed you guys on the chat.
Most of the weekend went that way, everyone busy with holiday stuff i guess.
Jen has been here all evening, we talked about cg. Man, she doesn’t get it or I can’t explain it. She said her and the bf were talking about it and he doesn’t think this can be an addiction. So I explained the rush, the feelings, and so on. I told her I knew I had another bet but I don’t know that I have another recovery in me. She said, well, there’s just no need for that.
Well, I am a very good actress. I guess she didn’t see the depression, the sadness, the loneliness, the helplessness that all happened around her. She must think I like being here, alone, most nights of the week. I guess I’m blaming and thats not fair. I tried to be a good mom and protect her from my hurt and pain so I guess I did OK.
 I am tired so maybe i’ll hit the hay.
Hope to catch u all soon!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for the info!
My "boss" the assistant manager and I have been friends for years. I had to slight her to go to the GA party as we have a standing invite to a social event in the town we work in. I feel bad being vague but friendship aside by job IS at risk if it got out so you and my sponsor are most likely right.
I know it is hard to imagine but there really are people who gamble who are not CG. I’ll be sure the re-gifted person is not suspect! lol!
 

[bettie]

Had to laugh at myself.
I just opened a Christmas Card from my  Asst. Manager and guess what? 2 scratch off lottery tickets! OMG! I’m looking at them wondering what to do. Do I give them to my daughter, suspected scratch off cg, do i throw away a possible "winner"? The lottery was not my thing and suspect I won’t run to the casino regardless of the outcome, but I know this will come up on Christmas eve, as the family plays a game where the reward is scratch offs. I already planned for that, told my daughter I would hand them off and she was to keep what ever she got from them.
My sponsor advised I not tell my assistant Manager about my cg, I was thinking about doing so. I wish I had gone with my instincts and told her and I wouldn’t be looking at these D*mned things on my desk.
So not worth risking my recovery.
Well i will "re-gift" them to someone, wrap them up and for get about it.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for your thoughtful posts Guys.
First thing is Yes Therese, I will pen that letter and I thank you for the info. I would encourage everyone to who reads that to do likewise, bettie-anti gambling activist, I kind of like that!
On the sponsor front, maybe I was a bit harsh. My fears take over and I run at the mouth a bit. I believe my spirituality is my business and God knows me. She didn’t bring what ever she was going to bring and we had our own mini-meeting which went well. I do like her as a person, I respect her opinion, but we agreed to a 30 day trial and if I am not comfortable I promise myself I will move on.
I did have a few surprises yesterday. The work goal was updated and I (cross your fingers!) am down to $67 to go. Work is so slow! I pray that they will lower the goal, which they have done in the past, so I have some breathing room. They will disqualify as much as they can but again, failure is not an option. I have 4 days after Christmas to add some insurance that come 5 weeks from now I will NOT start the year on a written warning!
When I got to my meeting they had just started but the chair person moved aside and said here, you are the chair tonight! So I did it, and I was pleasantly surprised. I do like being the boss, lol!
TDIK, funny you should say what you did. I had someone say the same thing to me last night. "Someone lied to you!" she said, "You are beautiful inside and out, and you are funny too! We really have to work on you." ( I started the group with a joke, so typical of me!) I sometimes thought I would like to do stand up comedy. Maybe a new career choice?
G, thanks for coming to my defense! I feel well protected with friends like you to support me!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Laura and Lizbeth.I did call my sponsor, cry (again) like a baby. She related her own story of one -sided "relationships". I felt a little better. Then she slammed on line chats and asked my about my spirituality. This is the big one for me. I am not looking for a religious conversion and frankly if that is the only way to recover I am sunk! She plans to give me some daily scripture to read and I am more afraid of organized religion than I am of being a cg. Trying to be open minded but once you tell someone that you are Catholic the headlights go on and the bible thumping starts. Just as I had a bad experience years ago with a male counselor, I was almost driven to a nervous breakdown by a "born again" religious group that my Ex husband was going to. ( with his 2nd wife, who divorced him too).
Lets see what today brings
bettie

[bettie]

Where do the worthless feelings come from?
I remember the hurtful things so well, like when my mom said if she knew about birth control she would have only had 3 kids ( I’m number 5), or when someone told my dad he had a beautiful daughter (me) and he said well you should see the one at home.( my sister)
I wonder how I survived at all sometimes.
The "mood" is back. Maybe early to bed wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
bettie

[bettie]

Tx Laura, and tx to everyone on the chat.
A kid just called me on my phone. I dropped it at the car wash! Gonna pick it up. Need to stop and get a little cash reward for the boy!
Nice of him to call, still some honest people out there!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the concern. I try to let Jen take the lead in these matters but her safety is always my #1 concern. So much I would like to say but as soon as I say something derogatory she will be so crazy about him again.
I am depressed today. It started that way and has progressed to a real crying jag. I know I am totally wrong for feeling like I do, but it’s eating at me, waves of tears keep coming at me. One of the sweet gals on the chat mentioned her experiences with a new boyfriend. Truly, I am happy for her, she certainly deserves ANY AND ALL happiness that comes her way. It just jumped into my head what is so wrong with me that I can’t find that? What is so wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?
It’s been a good holiday season for a change. I haven’t really thought about being single for a while and I have been OK with it. Then wham! Hurt feelings and major urges all morning. This is where banning comes into play. Given the opportunity I would have spent the balance of the Christmas gift money on a slot machine. The thoughts in my head frighten me. You think they are gone but one tiny unimportant thing flings you over the edge and you feel like you’re back to square one.
gonna join the chat. gonna shed this feeling.

[bettie]

Hey Kathryn!
18 months?? Do the Happy Dance! Heck, we could dance to Larrys song!
Congrats!!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks guys!!
Well, I haven’t posted any drama lately. Could it be that there isn’t any? LOL!! Who am I kidding?
Lets see, oh yea, work. That customer from yesterday? He called this morning, said the banker from the other branch called him very upset ( can U believe how desperate this job makes you?) and told him he didn’t really qualify for that account I opened for him because he didn’t have an active checking. I told him he could open one with that banker or with me but I didn’t see a problem as he did have a checking account with us ( even though it was in a business account) I told him to put his mind at ease, we could upgrade a savings account that he already had with us and I assured him there was no problem. I emailed my boss and assistant manager, just to get my side out there. I expect to get a call from their regional manager looking for the account credit being changed to that banker. We will see.
Whats next, oh yea, fwb update! The "landlord" left me a Christmas gift, the first I can ever remember getting from him. A lovely robe and a 6 pack of soap! DON"T ASK! I already know whats on his mind! Well he’s out of the country so don’t have to worry about him for a while. FWB #2 is stuck with an immigration problem and doesn’t expect to be back before next year. He called me like crazy yesterday to talk about his problems. I guess he doesn’t remember that he still has not apologized for the lousy way he treats me. It’s always about him! I almost got him out of my system and even 2000 miles away he creeps back in.
And last but not least, my lovely daughter! I went to let her dogs out on my lunch hour and went up stares to use the powder room. I noticed something odd about her bedroom door, it’s gone, ripped off the hinges! I called her to ask what the heck happened. Oh mom, it just fell apart. Really????? How does a door just fall apart? Oh it was just hanging by a thread, it was stuck, and I shoved it with my shoulder.
Are you buying this? My sister asked when Jen broke her foot how it happened. I told her and she told me well, she had info but couldn’t reveal her source. She said Jen and the bf fight physically, all the time, and she wondered if her hurt her. Nice, so are you thinking what I’m thinking? I figure one was locked in the room and the other kicked the door in. Oh, and Guess who will be replacing the door?
Merry Christmas!
Well, to be honest, I should be a screaming maniac by now but I am taking it in stride. I am concerned about Jen. I spent the evening with her and she did say she was getting sick of him. She has been in abusive relationships before and had the sense to dump the guy. She keeps talking about going back to Georgia. I don’t want her to go but I do want her to be happy.
Well it’s after midnight, I guess I had a lot on my mind.
Oh, and something that came to me recently. We often talk about trying to help family and friends to understand our cg. I wonder if we ever think the other way around. How strange and absurd it must be to them. Why would anyone just keep throwing money in a machine over and over, risking everything. Stand back and look from the out side in. Try to get their perspective. Maybe then we can understand the strangeness of this compulsion a bit better.
bettie, shut up and go to sleep!

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