[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke up in a bit of a panic this morning.
I had a dream. I went to the casino with my brother and niece to see a concert. I walked around and around the casino for what seemed like hours. I was thinking oh what the heck and sat down at a machine. I put in a ten, then a five. I thought it was a 2 credit machine but it was a 3 credit machine. I looked at the thing and wondered if i should hit the play button. Then it hit me, what was I doing? Did I really want to do it? Was it worth loosing my "clean" date? I hit the cash out button, I didn’t play. Funny part was the ticket was for $80.50, even though I only put in $15. I heard my niece call me, that it was time for the concert. Then I woke up. It took me a minute to realize I didn’t gamble. My heart was pounding, no no! Then my brain woke up and said dummy, it was a dream.
I think I’ve been over thinking a lot this weekend. I have all good intentions, workouts, cleaning, setting up my Ebay sellers account, getting the kitchen ready for painting. Then as soon as I walk in the door all I want is food and to flop in a chair.
I have to laugh at the casino commercials they are running now. All the "beautiful people" walking around , laughing, they even have a tag line,Where stylish crowds enjoy elegant meals! LOL! I think maybe they should show the reality I have seen first hand. People who have been up all night, blood shot eyes and wreaking of liquor. Someone punching the machine because they put in their last dollar and don’t know what to do. People walking out, head down, cursing under their breath. I guess I would be bad at marketing!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Carole, I get you. I had done a lot of reading about GA before I ever went into a room. I could tell this guy must have been an "action" gambler-the kind with the "big shot" attitude. I hate to tell him but his "character flaw" was showing! There are hard core GA people who’s belief is that you must do everything exactly as they say or you are doomed. If you attend but don’t get a sponsor you will fail. If you don’t follow the steps as they subscribe, you will fail.
And if you fail, you didn’t follow the program. A catch 22 so to say. There are zealots-they live eat and breathe GA. If that is what they have to do to stay "clean" and they are happy, power to them.
I have also found moderates. People more like me. I’m getting it, one day at a time. I’m trying to work the steps, slow as that may be. I surrender to God, but I’m not surrendering to some GA members opinion. I still have a brain of my own-not a GA zombie yet!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey Carole thanks for the inquiry. I’m OK-long day at work then GA. You are very brave to tell your story Carole. They say the truth will set you free-I hope it has for you.
We had a speaker and he made some really valid points. Good thing I believe in God because if I didn’t I would have run from the room. He talked about the steps and flat out said "higher power" is God, Period. I was not offended however, to me, that is closed mindedness. Some people do not, and GA claims no religious affiliation. Can’t help but wonder how I would have felt if I was Atheist.
He did talk alot about "surrender". Truly accepting that we are Cg’s, that we can never gamble again period. He said if we are struggling with urges it’s because we have not surrendered. Somewhere in our head we are telling ourselves the lie that we can go back, with some "control" or for "fun". I can see that. That makes sense. When I was very new in recovery I couldn’t imagine myself NOT going to the casino, what would I do instead? Now I just can’t see myself going back or being there. I would go mad standing in a casino today, because I can not control it, I never really could. So the next time I have an urge I guess I will I will remember that I have  "surrendered".
I called my sister tonight. She said nothing is really going on yet. She talked to the pediatrician for a referral for my niece. I talked to her a bit more about the abuser. He has two grown kids whom he has no relationship with. I told her this may be why. He has also been left as babysitter for a young nephew. I am sure there will be some real horror stories that come out  of this. So many victims. So much healing that needs to happen. God bless my niece for coming forward.
Well I should be going to bed.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
What a difference a day makes. I’m living la vita loco-the crazy life-but not by choice for a change.
My sister called and said my niece came forward to a school counselor that she had been molested. My heart broke when she told me. Those of you that know me know my history. My sister is the only family member that knows even a little about it. I reminded her of it, and told her if it seemed apporate she could share it with my niece and I had no problem talking to her. I am heart broken and heart sick over this. This involves a family member. I could just throw up.
OK that is said. We are as sick as our secrets. I want to be well.
I have a kitchen stove sitting in my front room. Now theres a conversation piece. My neighbor is remodeling his kitchen and was going to toss this one out, He knocked on the door, asked if i wanted it. I told him let me make a call. I got a hold of my brother-he could use a new one. It is identical to my stove except for one thing, IT IS CLEAN! OMG! It looks like new! He said he only ever baked pizza in the oven, and that he bribed his girls to clean the outside. My brother said "well if you think it’s worth taking". He cracks me up. I don’t know how we can be related-he is Mr clean. I am now shamed into cleaning mine. Maybe I should just keep the clean one and pitch mine! LOL!-oh well, mine is getting a bath today-inside and out!
Off to physical therapy this morning. I have a backache! I did some evaluation with the therapist on Tuesday and i think I pulled something. I better not be back to step 1 with this back-I will be so ticked off!
Thanks for the posts guys-it’s gonna get better.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
Saw your post to laura-that girl gets wiser every day-The female Larry I say!
I had another thought about the rock. If he won’t swim around just bash him in the head with it till he gets it! lol!
Marrage advice-not a strong point for me!
peace
bettie– 2/23/2011 4:03:59 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Carole! I fully understand about the cat. During my lowest saddest most trying times of my life, when no people were around to support me or see me cry my "boys" are always there to comfort me. They never judge. They don’t care if i need a shower, shave my legs or have bad breath. Thats the thing people who don’t have pets miss out on.
Busy crazy day at work. I did my last workout with the therapist-yea! I have an evaluation on Thursday so that will chart my progress. I had so much gas tonight! LOL! Poor girl-told her to stand back. Each sit up went strain-poot-strain-poot! I had to laugh at myself! Maybe why she didn’t offer to stretch me out when we were done!
have a good one!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey, heartfelt prayers go out to our Cathie as I saw where Christchurch NZ had another earthquake!
Thank you for your perspectives on recovery. Being cg and loving drama I may be reading more into situations than there really is. Open mindedness is not a strong point but I am trying.
Saw a great post on another site tonight. "I’m tired of paying a high price for low living." Thats a good one isn’t it?
I am powerless over gambling-just ask the "bettie" who I was when I started a year agao. I am far from "fixed" for sure but the improvements inside me are quite profound. I have a little peace that I haven’t felt in years, I can even feel calm some days. "You will be amazed before you are half way through", one of the 12 GA promises.
Today I am amazed.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Tx Kathryn, Lynn. Lizbeth someday we will chat again! lol!
Well one year GT tomorrow, still can’t believe that one. I remember all too well what went on one year ago today. The ATM trips, the "hot" checks written, the panic, the grief, the suicidal thoughts. Thanks but no thanks-I can live without that avoidable pain.
Off today for Presidents Day Holiday. I’m helping my assistant manager do her taxes, doing her hair, then doing lunch. I’m still waking with a scratchy throat and general "I don’t feel good " feeling. I have to shake it, and get moving.
My sponsor is after me to go to at least another GA meeting a week, I just won’t commit the time. I think she thinks I’m doomed-and not serious about getting into recovery and working step 1. I think I’ve been working step 1 for a year, and have been working recovery for a year. Am I wrong? What have I been doing here for a year? Nothing I guess. I understand the benefits of a face to face meeting but from a practical stand point I work full time, leave around 8am, and don’t get home until 6pm or later. By the time I make a meal and clean up it’s 7pm. I’m in bed around 10-10:30pm. I have to work out when I have enough energy to do so. My daughter wants to see me Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday-I’ve told her it’s just too much on me to get home after 9pm-it leaves me exhausted. I’m off Thursdays and Sundays. Most Thursdays consist of laundry, shopping, Doctor appointments. Yes, I could tie up my Thursday evening and go to a meeting, but most of the time I want to stay home. Friday is wall to wall-8am till 10pm-work then GA. Saturdays I work till 1:30pm-and there are no GA meetings in the evening ( there should be ). Sundays I workout, visit my family,cook some meals for the week, or sit on my butt. There is an evening meeting but again, I need the rest. I have a chronic illness on top of all this-people don’t realize how being diabetic zaps your energy, not to mention the back issues that I have devoted the last 12 weeks of my time trying to improve. Oh yea-forgot to mention that I go to on line meetings in the evening when ever I can catch one.
Hope that didn’t bore you to death. I guess thats my list of "excuses" but it is factual. Yes-I made time to gamble-Wednesdays and Saturdays mostly, but I also neglected all those other things that I do now. It’s a trade off but I want recovery to live, not hide in rooms crying about how sick and worthless my life has been. Once a week is enough. I am doing other things for my recovery-guess they just don’t count.
Just venting
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Lizbeth,
u out there?
Just finished my workout-i was on the floor huffing and puffing when you posted!
I’ll stick around for a little bit!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I thank you all so much for the sentiments and applause! GO ME!!
I didn’t go to the Zumba thing-bad girl-but really, I don’t know if it was that crazy full moon from yesterday or what but I don’t feel well, again. Depression? I don’t know. I woke up too early and I’ve been a little nauseous all day. A bit of a head ache too.
OK guys what going on with our chats lately? Even the few groups I’ve caught lately have been slow. Please keep Lee busy on Tuesday nights ( 9pm central us time). I don’t want to loose him as his is the only non off day chat I can catch anymore, and he is such a nice guy!
I have been trying to get some of my GA Friends to check out the site. If you found me please forgive me for any venting I may have done. I’m still a babe in the woods in recovery and I throw temper tantrums sometimes. But in all honesty, if I said it  I felt it and at least at the time, I meant it.
TDIK, you make me laugh. Yes, the saga continues. Larry, yes I am insane, but in a nice way these days( I think )!
Lizbeth, always a good friend to have, Jules- my buddy! Vera-my kindred spirit and Irish twin!
Levi-I love the typo "better", I like to think so!!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well it’s finally here. 6 months gamble free!
I can’t help but compare this to dieting. I’ve always had the mind set that if a blew it for one day I was done. Like Carole said when i slipped I thought NO! There is no hope for someone like me! So many folks here posting encouraging words, tips, and empathy. I’ve never felt so supported and loved.
That may sound silly but I did not grow up in the most nurturing environment and thought it was just me-I was not likable. Being a freckled faced red head with curly hair made me stick out like a sore thumb, not to mention being one of the three "fat girls" in school. My mom always said she never worried about me. I was a tough take-no-bull kind of kid. She didn’t see it was all a front. I was just trying to survive the daily torment I faced, make a joke about myself before the others had a chance to do so.(more likely she didn’t know how to help me-she was a child of abuse too) That was another reason I all but encouraged my abuser to molest me. I wanted the attention, I wanted to feel special and wanted to be wanted. Heavy thoughts for an 8 year old I must say.
That being said I am "peeling the onion", I am discovering why I’ve made the choices I’ve made. I am discovering why gambling became so appealing to me, and why I loved it so much.
My one year at GT is just around the corner too. Feb 22th, the day I woke up wishing I was dead. I’m glad I’m not dead. I’m glad I got a second chance to make a life for myself, to find my "happy". Thats what I want. I think that’s what most of us want. Just to be happy. Rich, poor, thin, fat, none of these things mean much. Happy. Thats not asking too much!
And I am Happy for today, because of all you!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
When I read your post Reds I thought man that sounds familiar! lol, I thought it was a good one too!
Well kids I’m finally home! I am tired, the ungrateful dog BIT me yesterday, Happy Valentines Day to me! No worries, I got my finger out fast before I lost it. I was walking him in the alley and besides the fact he thinks the snow is a snow cone he thinks trash is a tasty little treat. I tried to explain to him that he could get sick but he just doesn’t listen! I know not to take food from a dog but he really caught me by surprise. Boy did he get a reprimand! "You rotten little b*stard! Try it again and I’ll beat the snot out of you!" He growled some more, guess he knows I wouldn’t lay a hand on him but that was the end of his walk. He was quite sorry when I told him no treat! ( I gave him one anyways a bit later). I am such a wimp!
Went to physical therapy today. She didn’t work me too hard and made me sit on the floor, back straight, no support, feet straight out and lift them 15 times one foot then the other. Sounds easy? Try it. I got about 3 inches off the floor. I thought well I got through, she said "You know bettie? You are amazingly strong. Most of the folks I train have to sit against the wall to even get a 1 inch lift. YOU ARE WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF!"
Gee, where have I heard THAT before? I am my own worse enemy. Someday, somehow, I’ll get that "I love me" feeling. Just don’t know what it will take.
My local "Curves" is having a Zumba class for free Saturday evening. I want to go, just don’t want to do it alone.
Funny how much I thought about gambling when I was away from my PC. I think I forget how important that posting is still for me.
Looking forward to my "date" to chat with Lee in about 45 minutes.
Man, I missed you guys!!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

As I sit here reading your post Larry I am reminded of what brought me to GT almost a year ago.
If I want what you have I need to do what you do.
Congratulations Larry!
And THANK YOU!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

OMG!
Those D*mn mood swings!
Snow is melting a bit, sun was out. Dr said my vitamin D was low. I take a multi vitamin but it;s the lack of sun.
Back to my daughters in a bit, stopped in to see my kitties and visit my PC!
I miss them both so much!
And i miss u guys too!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I went to the doctor today. Blood work was OK but my numbers are are on the rise, along with my weight. I’ve gain 14 pounds ( up and down now up) since I began recovery. I keep getting told to keep my eye on recovery and let the rest fall to the back burner. I just can’t. It’s like I have to be obsessed with something. I’m in one of the hormone rollercoaster mood swings. Might I suggest the potential Ph d’s out there do a study on Compulsive Gambling, Menopause and it’s effect on recovery. 
I worked out, very guilt ridden after the doctor appointment. My doctor asked me once a few years back if I was attempting suicide by obesity. Maybe he had something there. I just want to scream. My head is just full of so many emotions and thoughts and feelings. My "friend" asked if I could ever be a "normal" weight. I told him doubtful at this stage of the game. I hate this. Why can’t something. anything be easy, be "normal" in my life? WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy WHy?
OK, I got that out. Don’t know where it’s going because there’s no answer, just the cosmic joke played on me in this life.
Ha Ha. Guess I’ve lost my sense of humor today.
bettie
 

[Author]

Posts