[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for checking up on me. Poor Larry, no pressure! Long distance GA sponsorship my not be practical and besides, how could I come here and complain about him? lol!
Today went OK, work is slow and  the company is getting all over us about sales. There is no way to pull this quarter out of the dumpster but they intend to give us hell right up until the last day of March. Then April comes and we can start the terror all over.
I’ve got to start looking for another job. I don’t know how I will survive when the asst manager retires May 1st. We have worked together for almost 20 years. She has been my mentor and my friend, even though she can get on my nerves. She’s been telling her regular customers to come see me and frankly they are mostly high maintenance and I really have enough grunt work without having to deal with rich people crying that the savings rates are too low.
Lazy lazy lazy. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Whether it’s sitting at my PC waiting for recovery or sending out no resumes’ and waiting for my dream job or wishing I was skinny but not dieting or working out, I guess it’s time to wake up! Stand up! Grow up maybe? Is this what they mean when they say CG’s are immature?
Hummmmmm……….
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Larry,
Glad u got to your concert! I saw Kris back in, maybe 1984 With Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings. I thought he should have stuck to writing. "Sunday Morning Coming Down" What a song!
Thanks for all you do Larry. Someone told me I should ask you to sponsor me for GA.
What a team we could make!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Tx Carole!
There is no way I can stay offline! Who am i kidding?
Tx Levi, Saman, Help123, Carole, Reds, Laura, Speedracer,Kin. Hope i didn’t miss anyone!
I am so lazy! Suppose to go for a couple drinks with  my daughter but I don’t feel like getting ready.  Gonna watch some TV, so sad about the earthquake. God help them and bless them.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Lizbeth a little visit is better than none at all! So glad to see you!
TDIK!! Hey! I have been neglectful with so many new folks posting too. Want to respond to everyone but time doesn’t always allow it.
Well I called my sponsor tonight. She was abrupt with me on Tuesday and told me to call her tonight and let her know where I was on my step paper work. When I did she was going to dinner with a friend but spared me a few minutes waiting for her table. Told her I had contemplated just filling in anything on the step work sheets as I just didn’t get what they were looking for. She said I over think the questions. ( Maybe it’s my high CG level of intelligence that does that-who knows? ) It drives me crazy. One of the questions she answered for me. Isolating. I am still isolating because I do this "on line stuff" instead of going to real meetings.
Deep breath needed here. I really resent my on line blogging and therapy being dismissed as nonsense. I use this forum as a sounding board for my innermost thoughts, feelings, daily stress and for advice from the "experts"-Real people going through the same things my "sick" brain goes through. She may have a point. I may be isolating because I have no other outlet. It’s not like people are calling ME and including ME in their day to day life. Maybe if she looked here, used the link I sent her, was open minded, she would know just how "isolated" I feel. I’ve never been one to intrude, I know when I’m not included and I don’t feel welcomed. I will not ask to go where I am not wanted.
I’m mad i didn’t call her on this. It slipped past me. She was somewhat pleased that I located a Thursday night meeting just 15 minutes from here. She expects me to go next week. I might, but my reason to go is to possibly change meetings, not add an additional one.
I work my recovery everyday. I am now carrying resentment toward someone who’s trying to help me, because she thinks I’m not. 
Is it my childish way of acting out?
Am I as clueless as I now feel?
Am I just being defensive?
Do I want recovery-or am I merely accomplishing abstinence for a temporary period-gearing up for the "right time and right set of circumstances" so I can start the destruction cycle again?
Maybe I do need to stay "off line" for a week, wing it, but the reality is I really depend on this site and others.
just thinking…..
bettie– 3/11/2011 2:57:51 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Lizbeth it is funny but the things you think will trigger you sometimes do just the opposite and strengthen your resolve to get better and be better. I know that to be true in my case, When the stuff hit the fan in August gambling was the last thing on my mind. Still praying for you all!
Hey Carole, just go back a page or two and you will see whats been going on. lol! Nothing new, just me out of sorts. Funny but it seems to happen every 21-28 days- just like clockwork! Hummmmm……..!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Sweet Larry!
Thanks- you made me smile!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh, it’s me! It’s all me.
I am so moody, maybe it’s just depression, I don’t know.
The statistics are pretty clear. 5% of people who go to GA are successful staying "clean", doing just exactly what the book says.
There is very little room for interpretation there.
My first meeting I was told , in reply to my tear filled therapy, since I mentioned I knew about the 20 questions then what was I doing there.
I am trying to decide what I want to do. See I’m still people pleasing, I don’t want this person mad at me, she’s done nothing wrong. Maybe I’m not ready to work the steps-according to their rules anyways.
I have gotten a lot from this sponsor. She is strong in her recovery. I still feel like an outsider, looking in. I’ve spent my whole life that way.
My "friend" took me to lunch today-surprise! I asked him what he did over the weekend, He told me a little of the good time he had with his friends at a local bar. Nice for him. Of course, I would never be included in something like that. I told him that really made me jealous, as he’s never included me in any gathering. He said next time he would. I won’t hold my breath.
P,there are plenty of GA groups I could try. I am just not inspired to try one.
Larry, if we stayed away from every place that had gambling I couldn’t buy gas or grocery’s, as they have lottery terminals there. All of our PC’s would have to go to the trash too.
As for your GA experience Carole I’m sure he was on an ego trip-and like my guy decided your fate for you. What a shame.
I hope to catch Lee in a bit. Thanks for your heartfelt responses. It makes me feel less lonely.
I’m still in a mood!
bettie– 5/26/2011 6:11:26 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

— 5/26/2011 3:23:44 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh you are all so right and I know your hearts are in the right place. I don’t know that I deserve better. I try to tell myself I do but since it’s always been like this it is hard to convince myself of that. I have gotten the best and most wonderful advice from you all. Heck even this "friend" had told me that there are lots of guys interested. My question is really? Where are they, introduce me to some of them. Nothing. No response. ( Maybe he’s afraid I will find a Real Man to spend my time with, guess he really wouldn’t want that would he?) Oh and the weight crack! Timing just perfect! I’ve been working out and not getting the results I wanted. Not encouraging or supportive in the least!
Oh well, it is what it is. I’m not ready really. I have so much work to do on myself and really, how could I expect to make someone else happy when I have such poor sense of self? Nothing worse than a clingy insecure person around all the time. I look back to how I was with this "friend" when we first met. I think he told me 3 different times in the first month that he didn’t want a relationship. But boy, he never acted that way. If he didn’t want me he surly had a funny way of showing it.
So I made it to my brothers ( my mother made a pain pill donation, God bless her) and my niece was a no show. I wondered why. My sister came later after work and I asked her what was going on. She said she has to wait for temporary state health care to kick in for my niece, since my brother in law lost his job again so they have not been to counseling. Social services still have not contacted my sister and nothing had happened yet to the abuser. My sister said my niece is embarrassed because she knows I know and she is afraid. I felt so bad. I told her to let her know I would not bring it up and no one else would either. We are here for her. If she wants to talk then we will talk about it.
Took a pain pill and a muscle relaxant. If I don’t sleep tonight I don’t know what else to try, but I am confident I’ll sleep as I am barely keeping myself awake right now.
Thanks again!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Woke up wishing I was asleep today~lol!
I’m awake because I’m in pain as "Mother Nature" has taken it’s course and the devil horns are now back in my brain where they belong!.I swear, I’m calling my girlie Doctor and we are having yet again a very long talk. This has to stop, it’s the 21st century, there has to be a solution to this issue. I can’t walk around like a completely insane person reaping my own brand of grief to everyone 1 week every month!
So Thursday I did have a divine intervention. My girlfriend called, said "Oh did I wake you?" I said no and proceeded to cry like a 2 year old. She reassured me of how wonderful i am (lol!) and got me out of the house. We went for pedicures and I did pick out my paint for the kitchen. Went grocery shopping and went to the ice cream shop. Can you say Chocolate Brownie Sundae?
I really don’t know if I will make it to work, that waits to be seen. I’ve had about 5 hours sleep and I have my nieces birthday party @ 2pm. I am glad to report that I will be off (Officially-in writing this time!) the week after my birthday. I need to start taking down the things on the walls in the kitchen and start patching the walls. No simple job to paint in this place. My ceiling looks like it’s about to cave in. Nothing structural. I’ve had a few contractors here over the years and they say bad paint or no primer was used when this place was built in 1967. The paint pops and peals down to the drywall. I had a new ceilingg put up in the front room and hall 4 years ago and paid a fortune. I am a master patcher as I have patched every room in this place over the years but the patches will last about 2-3 years before new cracks take their place. Well no money for a contractor these days so I am on my own. I hate patching the ceiling! My neck hurts already!
I did get the apology from the "fwb" that I was looking for. It’s meaningless really, as he is incapable of human feelings being the jackass that he is, but at least I feel a bit vindicated. Well at least I did, until he came into my work and proceeded to ask me if I was gaining weight! I looked at him and told him to SHUT UP! My mom always said if you can’t say something nice then say nothing at all and that he would do well to take that advice! He tried some "oh i didn’t mean….." I cut him off-you could have said my hair looked nice or anything else so you better shut up while you’re ahead! I’m not having it today!
Thank you guys for you unending support. I do read every day but find myself slipping in the posting department.
I will see my niece today Lizbeth. I talked to my sister and social service are moving slow and they do not have health insurance right now. I have talked to my sister and she says my niece is doing OK. I will see for myself. I find I feel better having faced down those ghosts from the past. It hurts but it is helpful.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for the hug Jean, a desperately needed one.
It’s that time again, you can set a watch to it. My hormones are in a major flux today. I am so weepy I don’t know how I will make myself get out of the house but I will. The cats are circling me, they know I’m upset. I forced a half *ssed workout, cried through the whole thing.
My sponsor said we cling to men that we see as more screwed up than we are so we can be busy trying to fix them instead of helping ourselves. I see that. I so want to tell him off but I can form the words-I’ll just start crying and I think he gets off on it. It’s a power thing.
I keep getting myself involved with this fool. I don’t deserve better because I keep going back for more. I’m getting just what i deserve.
I keep doing the same things expecting different results. I’m guilty of allowing it, he’s guilty of taking advantage of it.
I think I’ll go out and pick that kitchen color. A can of paint may go a long way toward motivating me to get started. I put in for a week off either before or after my birthday. There is no possibility of making my goal this quarter so it’s a good time to take off.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I’m sitting here in a blue funk this morning. I’m in a poor poor me mood.
I got my "raise" yesterday. What a joke! 2.5% and the state tax increase is 2.75%. Well it’s still better than being out the whole amount but kills me that the state can just decide they have wasted so much money that they can just jump in and take more. My coworker came out with a big smile on his face and a packed of papers for the classes he has to take to be the new assistant. I’m sure his raise more than covers the tax.
I’m seeing all the folks coming in with tax refunds-big ones. 5-6 thousand dollars. No money they paid in mind you, but tax credits that they claim. Here you get money for having dependent children. Those credits go for up to 3 kids so people who have more let other people "claim" them. My "friend" who is self employed, is able to write everything off as a loss and just got $5500 back, must be nice. I haven’t revisited my tax return yet but even after paying in over 10 grand I’ll have to pay more. Gas is about $3.70 a gallon and rising.
I feel like such a jerk. I called the "fwb" about going to lunch. He said he could meet me at the restaurant next to his work. I called him when I got there. By then he had friends who stooped in his shop so he asked me to order for them all and he would pay for it. So I ate alone, played delivery girl, dropped of the food and he questioned me about the price. "No problem" and he plays Mr. Big Shot and pays for everyone. Think he could have offered to pay for mine too? All i got was a pat on the behind as he escorted me out the back door.
So he tells me thanks and he’ll see me later to give him a call. I do what I’m asked and call him around 8. He’s having car trouble but maybe I can come see him. He has all these friends-not one with a car to borrow? He said he had work to finish but to call him later. I call at 10, no answer. I call at 10:30, he has friends over and now I can’t get in but a few words in because his phone is breaking up.
Does this man have a clew as to what he does to me? Is he so cold and heartless on purpose or is it really just a matter of "stuff happens"?  I’m so hurt and mad at myself. i promise myself over and over again I’m not going to let him use me, I deserve better, blah blah blah! He’s a jerk and I guess I deserve no better because I keep going back for more abuse from him. More crushed feelings. More pain. I guess since I’m not gambling I NEED to find the pain from some other source.

[bettie]

Hey Larry,
With "Fat Tuesday" pending and those jelly donuts (punskies?) in the store thoughts of you come to mind.
Thanks for your posts Larry, always the voice of reason and intelligence!
take care
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Vera, Sister Bettie! lol! There was a time, believe it or not, that I did consider a nunnery-WAAYYY too late for that!
I do need to spring clean though.I have a TON of clothing that I don’t wear, can’t fit into or bought 2nd hand and no longer like so I will be making a donation soon.
I think I will take G’s advice and work on that kitchen. Don’t want it to look like an Easter Egg since the adjoining room is pumpkin orange. Maybe a green? Have to look at a color pallet and see.
Reds so happy about your pending move. I have had little choose but to handle money and I have managed OK. I have to keep it low and spend it on bills as having more than one hundred or so is a trigger. We had some newbies on the chat and I threw it out as a suggestion for them. I inadvertently offended someone on the chat and I think you joined in around that time. So if I screwed up something I said to you too I apologize. My mouth must have been on a roll! I am right with you on banning Reds, best barrier I ever set.
Pp, Levi, you guys are pretty special yourselves!
peace
bettie
 
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts, must have hit a common thread.
Funny, even in my dream I KNEW I was cg! Another thought, I didn’t want to waste $3 on a spin. Money has a value and I have to work hard for $3!!
I got a hug at work today. A lady saw the shoes I had under my desk and said how much she loved them. I asked her what her size was, 8 like me, so I gave them to her. She was so happy. I had two more pairs so I gave them to her too.
Funny but I have been thinking about spring cleaning and she was in the right place at the right time.
sometimes things just work out!
peace
bettie

[Author]

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