[bettie]

Hi Guys,
It’s been a strange day.
Started the day early after 5 and 1/2 hours of restless sleep. I got on the chat which started well enough but ended with me in tears. I am reminded yet again about my poor attitude and how my negative ways predetermine my life. It seems to me some people just have easier lives than others do. The "happy" ones don’t get that if you are always beaten down it’s hard to throw caution to the wind. Case in point, I got a warning yesterday at work about the branch not having any qualified referrals to the investment person. Somehow it’s my fault that people don’t want their money in the stock market. Whatever, not something I can control so I have to let that go. I will get a written warning about not making my quarterly goal. I have that to look forward to next week. To add insult to injury my co banker is already one up on me for next quarter. He had one of my regular customers that had been on the fence about refinancing and he took the loan application. See, customers don’t understand that people like me will be out of work when they bring me all the service work and give the sales to who ever takes them on any given day. If the tables had been turned he would be in the managers office insisting that he be given the credit. The same appeal on my part is a waste of time. My manager always sides with him-even when he blatantly stole credit from me in the past. So I guess this is another case of my bad attitude predetermining my future. This is based on my real life experience-and it makes me like I am. Yet another thing to accept-whether I like it or not. 
My daughter told me my mom had been saying "I’m tired of having to beg to get things done for me. You mother knows I need my hair done and I am tired of begging." I saw the Chiropractor today for my back and my carpel tunnel then drove 1 hour to go do her hair. I called her when I was on my way and she went off on how awful it is that she can’t go to the doctors and she has to beg to get rides. I was less than nice. There is NO REASON she can’t dial the phone and make an appointment. We have public transport that will pick her up at the door thats really cheap and frankly she can well afford a taxi! My poor sister is working full time at a minimum wage job trying to keep food on the table since her husband is out of work. My brother-in-law is fed up with her and her smart*ssed comments. I am accused of being negative-well you haven’t met my mom. She picked the wrong day to complain to me. I let her have it. I told her just how much better she had it than alot of Seniors-she says well they don’t have to stay home all the time-I told her neither did she! I told her maybe if she didn’t lie and make things up as she went she might be included more. Well that was it. She told me not to come and hung up. I cried and cried while driving my car-mad at myself for loosing my temper with her, mad because she is so hateful, mad because I must be just like her and not realize it.
I prayed to God when I approached the house." Lord I don’t know what to say. Just help me because this will be the last time I try to do anything for her is she starts up when I walk through the door.’ I approached with caution. I walked in and she didn’t say a word. I told her "Mom. I’m tired and PMS today. When you need me for something you just have to ask. I might not be able to do it right away but I will help. I can not read minds and you never asked me to come do your hair." She acted like we never talked on the phone. Thank you Jesus!
My sisters house was a disaster, husband and daughter watching TV. I put the perminate wave solution on my mom’s hair and proceeded to wash her dishes and tidy the kitchen up a bit. My brother in law says "you don’t have to do that." I told him i knew that, and did it anyways. Some days I am reminded why I don’t have a husband. I’ll be d*mned if I would come home to that mess with two able bodied people sitting on their bums while I worked mine off!
I took the long route home so I could stop at my sisters work and visit her for a few minutes. ( if my mom knew this she would have a fit!-so stupid!) We talked. She told me what has been going on. Her husband is depressed and mom nit picks every time she gets a chance. By the time I got done seeing her I was totally wound up! She lives near the casinos so guess what I had to pass? I was more that a bit tempted to say to h*ll with it all and go but reminded myself I’m banned. So not worth chancing jail just because I was upset. So not worth it at all! Who needs misery on top of misery?
Well I guess I’ll get over it. Came home exhausted and back hurting. Did two loads of clothes but have done little else. I thought about a meeting then thought I’m too tired.
Maybe I’ll go sit in the kitchen. It’s still clean and pretty in there.
Bad mood go away!
bettie– 4/4/2011 12:12:15 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So good to see yours posts!
So TDIK you remember the flowers? I just bought a big watering can in the hopes of using it soon! No flowers will survive here until mid May so another 6 weeks at least before planting.
I have had a really restless night. My arm and wrist are driving me crazy! I may have to call the Dr. and go in! So stupid to have to spend the money as the most I can hope for is a pain killer and a brace. My old one needs replacing so I will do that today. I will be useless with so little sleep but I dare not call off just coming off a vacation week.
I am quite disgusted with my weight. I am looking at my summer wardrobe and know very few pieces will fit. Funny but the next size up is too big and the size I wear is short/tight. I was working out Monday and caught a glimpse of myself. I said to myself why bother? So self defeating! How do people work out in front of a mirror? Having an appetite like a horse doesn’t help either.
Oh my alarm just went off-time to get up I guess!
Well more coffee and more reading and maybe I’ll get moving.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Kathryn!
So thrilled to see you will be back! Of course your pm is my very early am but I’ll make a point of getting up to see you.
Glad the show was fun. I love live theater. I went to a Broadway show when Jen was living in New Jersey. For mothers day she bought us front row seats for "The Rocky Horror Show", It was a blast, even though the critics panned it.
Gonna run!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well i survived Monday-first day back at work. I found my wrist brace and hope that will help with the pain in my wrist. It woke me again last night and kept me up a bit but I was able to go back to sleep.
Had a funny open chat. Carole-you are a funny girl!
I was looking at some old posts tonight. Funny how people just kind of drift away. I have been here just over a year and wonder about some of my "old friends" and what they are doing.
Running girl. ddroads, obliener,Salina, irc,howanna,just to name a few. I think about you all, and wish u all well. If you are still reading please say hi!
Vera, hope u have INTERNET soon!
My kitchen is so springy and clean-I want to move my bed in there!
So are gambling thoughts seasonal? I wonder. The sun shines and I have this fantasize about buying a beer and sitting on the deck and looking at lake Michigan.( the casino’s here are on riverboats ). Funny because even when I was gambling I had the same thought-but rarely did I even walk out there, didn’t want to waste precious gambling time.
How silly is that??
peace
bettie

[bettie]

OK my interior designers!
Well my one fun thing was the baby shower, and it was very nice except for one minor detail. The "FWB" called me yesterday, and asked if i was going to the party. I told him yes and he told me he was invited too. He did photography for the expectant couple, I work with the dad.Cr*p, I sure didn’t want him showing up. Some of the people I work with knew we were a couple for a while, before he decided he "didn’t want a relationship". Well long story short he said he planned to come alone which was a relief, and finally didn’t show at all. So typical of him, make a commitment and be a no show! He did call me at 8:30 pm asking if I was still there. The party started at 3pm and I left at 7pm so it all worked out. He wanted to know if I like the pictures and frankly, they were lovely.
I did eat like a pig! The future great grandma cooked (she’s 80) and it was so good! Wonderful Mexican food, Desserts galore too! My asst manager just about slapped my hand, telling me to stop! I said Yes Mother! Gee, not too embarrassing.
My lovely daughter took off and let the bf deal with the landlord. I guess he put the cats in a the bedroom and told them he was cat sitting and not to open the door. Jen said that he didn’t say anything else and that they still have no electric in the dinning room ceiling. Well at least they have it back in the hall and bathroom. I wonder when he will call me, as I am sure he will. Oh well, my plan is to tell him to call that brat of mine. It’s not my problem and I need to let her grow up, even if she doesn’t want to.
So the kitchen is a pail yellow. My condo is very small and the front room shares a wall with the kitchen. The front room is pumpkin orange. The colors really work. My brother was over to reinstall my ceiling fan and thought I did a fine job. He can be a harsh critic, so that was a big compliment.
I have my PC back-minus my files! I have to call the nephew and see what can be done. I got a lecture on how dirty the inside was. My brother said there was a lot of fur in there and some was orange. My orange cat ( punkin ) passed in 2006 so yea, I guess it did need a clean up!
It’s 4:15am and I am wide awake. Last day of vacation and I can’t sleep. I stopped taking the xanax as I am out of it and now I keep waking at about 3am and can’t get back to sleep. Well it will work out, just need to adjust. Still have numbness in my right hand and it falls asleep and becomes painful. Thats part of what wakes me up too.
The chat sure has been slow, guess people are sleeping like they are suppose to.
hope to chat soon!
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Everyone!
So , the hard drive WAS the right one-need to take sleeve of the old one to make it work! My fault-i had the old one here when my brother had the new on at his house. He will look at it today.
UGH!!! My daughter! Trying my patience for sure, Since day one she has refused to deal with "the landlord" and has left that to me. She is having an electrical problem and the only time he could get with the electrician is today. Jen called me throwing a royal fit. She doesn’t want him there, she doesn’t want to see him. He ripped her off. "I’m gonna do something to this place to get even with him!" Hey, grow up! It’s done. She has an option, she can move, she doesn’t have to stay. She snuck two cats in the place, after I told her not to, and now she doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. I reminded her who paid the deposit after the fiasco. She was crying like a baby. She’s 29. I don’t know what to say. He will be calling here to complain to me too. Stuck in the middle-right where I put myself.
Yet another lesion!
peace
bettie– 3/26/2011 4:50:19 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

HI Guys!
Wondered if you may have noticed i was gone! lol!
Woke up yesterday to a crashed PC! Brought it to my brother and found i had the dreaded BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!
Well, my brother loaned me his laptop, God love him, and he will be working on mine tonight. I had such PC withdrawal last night-it was awful! PC urges-who knew?? I had to buy a new hard drive and my techie nephew will try to recover some files from the old one. Nothing earthshattering except that ALL my tax records are on there and i haven’t done my taxes yet! Thats what i get for not transferring them but since I no longer have a floppy drive I didn’t know how to do it! Well as always I learn the hard way!
Finally got the painting and patching done but man what a cost! I’ve been going to bed with a pain in the right shin and woke up with a numb right arm. A bit of arthritis and carpal tunnel in that wrist from my cash handling days. Next time I mention painting someone remind me why I hired someone else to do it! I still haven’t retrieved anything from the bedroom to rehang but I bought new rugs and a painting of Poppie flowers that really looks sharp in there.
Well off to GA in a few, need to get ready. Rush all day, shopping for a baby shower for tomorrow. I wish I could stay home but my sponsor will have my head! lol!
hope to catch u all later!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
Boy those life lession are really hard! Hope today finds you feeling good and urge free!
Back to home redecorating for me. I will feel so glad when it’s done!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Woke today feeling quite arthritic! My elbows, hands, knees, wow! I am determined to get done today as this is a vacation week and d*mn it I want to do something fun! My brother was over to inspect my work last night, lol, but we went to dinner and I got a bit sidetracked. He is going to make some trim pieces for the kitchen, as when we put in the laminate floor in 2002 there was a gap in one area and we had always intended to cover it up. Better late than never right?
My spare bed room is loaded with stuff-I have to decide what to put back up and what to get rid of.
Decisions, decisions!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey Liz i got the tequila as a gift-I sure as heck didn’t drink it! That may have killed me! lol!
Procrastinating the painting-patching almost finished and taping is about done.
OK, back to work!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Oh thanks for the birthday wishes! I had a good weekend, got a lot of thoughtful gifts ( and a bottle of my favorite tequila! ) I woke up today with a food hangover! I ate way too much cake and pie too. My body feels hungover and I didn’t have one drink yesterday. ( OK I had 1 beer, lol! )
Well i need to take the things off the wall in the kitchen and get started. That’s the hardest part-just getting started. I want to just go out and spend my gift cards but I made a commitment ( to myself) to do this and I will.
There was something I wanted to write but am sitting here with a blank mind! Is this what happens when you turn 48? Oh well, bring it on! So much better than the alternative!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks guys!
Well I should be moving but dragging my butt!
"Elvis" was a hoot! Turns out Liz50 went to school with him and told me he used to be a male exotic dancer! LOL!
Than explains a lot! He sat on my lap, facing me, singing in my ear then kissed me! What a hoot! As a matted of fact that was the 2nd kiss from him as he had gotten me the first time around the room! It was fun and " Rod Stewart" wasn’t bad either. Here’s a tip for all the impersonator want to Be’s. Know the words to the songs you are trying to sing, makes it more believable!
lol!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
What will I do without a daily post from you Liz, LOL!
Well, no laughing matter but maybe you can get a typing surrogate to read and type for you!
Home from My GA meeting and a 5 year pinning. It was just beautiful. I was honored to be asked to read from the GA RED Book. First time I ever saw it. The message I was asked to read was from some one with 9 months "clean" and how they felt about driving one hour to their meeting and what they thought about driving there and back. Funny how that same story could have been mine with a few little "tweaks". I have 7 months clean today and I drive about 45 minutes. I also received a birthday gift from my sponsor- a copy of the "One Day At A Time" book. I have been looking at ordering one so that came at a good time too.
I should be in bed-big day tomorrow. Going to see a Rod Stewart and Elvis impersonator-a gift from my former gambling buddy. Nice to spend time with her and not even think about gambling. There was a little exception to that today. She had called to have me do some research for her on a bank account thats now closed. Withdrawal after withdrawal from the casino’s we went to together. I’m sure if I went to my statement from the same time frame I’d have just as many withdrawals-if not more. I sure don’t miss that!
Thank you for the birthday wishes early. I have no idea why, with all my self esteem issues, I have always felt special on my birthday. Just like a little kid I guess-cg immaturity-but in a good way.
Looking forward to my birthday cake Sunday-Monday starts my diet! Had a little cheesecake tonight, it was SO GOOD!
I had my beer and corned beef yesterday. Nice dinner with my brother. I am fortunate to have him in my life. I still feel like I can’t share my CG with him-for fear of upsetting him. I am loosing some of the shame I have been carrying around and accept that this is a mental illness. What others think of it is really none of my business-I don’t have to face them in the mirror in the morning. I know I have a family history of mental illness-schizophrenia, depression, and looking back now I believe my deceased brother had a cg problem too. I used to think what the heck is wrong with him? He always bought lottery tickets and cigarettes before gas and groceries. Almost 9 years since he passed and I am just making that connection. You know I had my one "big" win on his birthday a couple years after he died. I thought he was really pulling for me-as I needed it so bad. Little did I know that it was the beginning of the end for my gambling career. Maybe he was pulling for me after all!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

 
Happy St Patrick’s Day!!
I’m getting ready to meet with my brother for some green beer and corned beef-it’s a Chicago thing! lol!
Thanks for the chats today. I hope to catch a few this weekend too!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
L & L, lol!
Thanks for the check up. I talked to my sponsor tonight, just girl talk and it was good. Yea Laura. I can be a real downer however as bad as i can be i am SO much more positive than I used to be. It is frustrating because sometimes it just feels that no matter how much I try to be positive it makes no difference, it all turns to cr*p.
Just life happening, and I have no control over some things and have to let them go. Thats the hard part for me.
I’m gonna paint that kitchen next week! No procrastinating!
My cg friend called me at work today. I had to laugh at him. He called to complain about a new $2 service charge and wanted to know how to avoid it. Now mind you he has paid hundreds in overdraft fees already this year, and I’m sure he accepts that as part of his gambling expenses, but like most cg’s he saves pennies to waste dollars. How insane is that? Been there, done that!
I have also noticed a lot of new folks struggling with the monetary losses. I read something good I want to share.
" When we chose to gamble we willing gave that money to the casino-it doesn’t belong to us anymore! Why do we keep referring to it as our money? If we had bought something tangible with it, say a TV or Car or house, we could accept that we spent the money. Yes, they used marketing to get us to go there, so does the store. They Didn’t drive to our door, put a gun to our head, and force us into a car to go."
Do I regret the money i wasted? Yes, but I accept the fact that it is gone and I choose to move on.
peace
bettie
 

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