[bettie]

I have come to believe that there is something about me that makes me isolate myself. I don’t know what that is or I would try to fix it. I think in general people like me but somehow perceive that I would rather be alone. Maybe that is from being alone for so many years, I don’t have the answer. I do not want to appear clingy and pursue trying to be included. I guess there is a fine line that I end up  on the wrong side of.
I am not having an urge in any way shape or form but I would really like to go to the casino today. Today would have been one of those perfect days. Sun shinning, nothing else planned for the day and I could be alone but have something to do. Drink a couple beers, have a little thrill. Reminding myself that those days are long gone, that they will never be that way again hurts.
Someone at the conference said they entered a raffle, no wager at all, but he had to reset his "clean" date because he gambled. Is recovery that fragile? Are the rules that strict? Thats a standard that I wasn’t prepared for. I am so filled with doubt today. Does anyone really recover? Is it all just random? Is it really just that random that you can do all this work and be right back to day 1 in a nanosecond?

[bettie]

— 5/26/2011 6:06:00 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hey Guys~
Home from my meeting. I was doing fine until my turn. I cried like a baby! I guess the reality of my friends retirement is starting to become a reality. She has 8 days to go. It doesn’t help that yet another customer quizzed me as who would be taking her place. I want to say they don’t want me. I want to say they don’t respect me. I want to say a lot of things but it dawned on me. I’m the reason I wasn’t offered the job. I don’t want to do it "their way". I told my boss that I would not be interested. And I know I said that to let him off the hook and appease my hurt feelings because I know he doesn’t want me as his assistance. My stradgy didn’t work. My feelings are still hurt. Just like all the times I assumed I would be made fun of so I got in the first dig. This is some sick behavior.
I was working my step work last night and came upon a worksheet question that asked me to list 14 reasons I should stay in the fellowship. Boy those answers came fast. The one that sticks in my head is the God has a plan for me. I haven’t been living a "happy" life, I’ve been doing it my way, and my way stinks! There has to be something else in store for me, there just has to be!
On my way home I was listening to "The Dixie Chicks". Mind you I have had this CD for years. The song "I believe in Love" came on. I think I really heard the words of that song for the first time, and they really hit home.
I Believe In Love lyrics
Songwriters: Stuart, Marty; Seidel, Martie; Maines, Natalie;

I made a promise to myself
Locked it way deep down inside
Told my heart we’d wait it out
Swore we never compromise

Oh, I’d rather be alone
Like I am tonight
And settle for the kind of love
That fades before the morning light

Silence stared me in the face
And I finally heard its voice
It seemed to softly say
That in love you have a choice

Today I got the answer
And there’s a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it

I believe in love, I believe in love
Love that’s real, love that’s strong
Love that lives on and on
Yes, I believe in love

I believe in love, I believe in love
Love that’s real, love that’s strong
Love that lives on and on
Yes, I believe in love, yes, I believe in love
Now I just have to believe that I deserve to be loved, because if I don’t then who will?
peace
bettie

 
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Well i am pooped out today. I went to the eye Dr and all is well. Had to reschedule the other appt. Can’t get in for another 3 weeks but it is scheduled.
Good chats today and very thought provoking. Harry nice to chat with you again.
Not much else going on. I think I will attend the GA conference on Saturday. That should be interesting.
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Well so many kind words from you all! I do need the motivation!
Went to the dentist-look ma no cavities!!
I have an eye Dr and girlie Dr appointments on Thursday-such fun!
I hate that customers just expect me to be moving into the assistants position when she leaves. Little do they know that there is no room for age and wisdom in modern banking! SALES SALES SALES!!! Yuck!
Nancy I will be the elder statesman as long as I stay. I’m 48 now-my co banker is 37 and manager is 32! I feel SO OLD!
Well I should be cleaning up but feel like a slug. My daughter went to the Dr today and asked me what I thought her weight was. I took a guess and hit the nail on the head! She was not pleased at all! Maybe she will join me in some workouts. That would be nice.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Just lost my long post, man I hate that!
So it has been a busy weekend. Saw my gf yesterday. Got my nails done went shopping and bought new stuff  for a change! We sat on her porch for hours and talked about some of our past wild adventures. I haven’t laughed that hard in AGES!
Got a call from my GF who is in AA, we haven’t talked in a year! She said she is so proud of my GA membership. She has been having a tough time lately ( still clean-4 years!) and felt renewed after our talk. Said she was going to a meeting very soon.
Up early today for breakfast with my brother. He took a look at my car and replaced my front breaks and rotors. I took him to lunch. Came home cleaned and did wash. I painted my mirror and picture frames today too-y buy new when all they needed was a little paint.
 So beautiful today! Expecting storms tonight-yuck!
SO TIRED!
Hope the storm isn’t too bad.
peace
bettie– 4/11/2011 2:25:57 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Where is the weekend chat??
Off to bed!
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 5:59:51 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well another work day. I need to get moving and stop reading, lol! I’ve got a bit of a headache and need to go do my hair.
Vera i wish I was as cute as that baby! She really is so sweet!
Pumpkin, miss p, carole, keep chatting! Hope to catch u all on the weekend!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I had kind of an awakening today. I hate my job, I mean I really hate it! And why do I keep punishing myself by not even trying to get something else? I know it’s a hard job market and all but there has to be an employer who wants someone reliable and responsible. I hate sales! I’ve decided to get this medical stuff attended to, I have 3 doctor appointments made for next week. I have ordered 3 months of my medicine. First things first. It’s fear that holds me back, plain and simple. I have been discouraged by the last few interviews I did about 10 years ago. So leaving the past in the past I will move forward, one baby step at a time!
Gosh, that is so empowering! After a day of stress and upset ( have you got an account yet? I heard this about 10 times, well it seemed like 10 times! ) I feel free! I feared not going to the casino, isn’t that funny? I thought all the good times were gone.
Maybe they are just starting?
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Oh Wednesday-why can’t it be Thursday? Got an email at work that we have yet another call night scheduled for tonight. They act like we don’t have any life outside of this stupid bank. I have been stressed about it since I saw the email yesterday, In reality I have panic attacks when it comes to calling people! I know that sounds stupid but it I despise making those calls. Well i am getting myself worked up and my mood is going to have to calm down so I can get through the day. All I want to do is climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head.
Thanks Lizbeth~recovery is hard work. So many emotions!
Larry, I always feel like a student getting praise from the wise professor when you post! Thank you for your encouragement and support, it means a lot to me. I do have to question if it is fear or concern that keeps me from telling my "secret". I always fear others opinion of me. My sponsor said my brother would be proud of me but somehow I don’t think I want to risk hurting him so I can have a pat on the back for a job well done. I am embarrassed about being a compulsive gambler. I am ashamed of what I have done, even though I believe I am the primary victim of my actions. The worse thing I think I did to anyone with my gambling was gambling instead of visiting them. I have thought long and hard about that. A lot of my gambling activity was prompted by having nothing else to do, a feeling of exclusion. I don’t blame others for my gambling but I did (do) feel abandoned by them. More onion pealing I guess.
Well, need to get moving, face my fear, and get on with it.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
just trying to get moving! I have to get to work.
I think back to my first communion- my Mom came, we took the bus. Dad had to work. My Mom isn’t even Catholic. I was the only one with out a big group. Band concerts, 8th grade graduation, school plays, my brother who passed was there, maybe my Mom, no one else. Everything I ever tried to do was a hassle, an inconvenience to my family. I dropped out of high school, got pregnant at 17, maybe I wanted the attention.
Still pealing the onion-I should have been a CG much sooner than i was!
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 3:31:14 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Didn’t make work today. Nauseas , dizzy, slept in my chair until 1pm! Feeling better now just dragged down!
Did my income taxes today. Well as long as they don’t disqualify my deductions I’ll be OK. Just will have to worry about that for the next 7 years-lol! Oh well I did my best. God, grant me the serenty……
I did email Harry after the chat went down on Saturday and it came back just in time for me to catch Kathryn, then Lizbeth then Laura! Thanks Harry!! You are the best!
Well i wish I had some junk in the house to eat but I don’t. Oh I did go to the baby’s party yesterday, So Sweet that baby! Lots of little ones there too! I’m rarely around babies so that was a treat.
Mekila and Suzi, nice to meet you on the chat tonight!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Well, i feel so special! Thanks everyone!
Oh I wish I felt better! Wrist is coming along ok but not feeling great. Need to have a few little things checked out so need to make a Dr appt. Let my daughter take my car and i feel like a trapped rat!
Work was just a joy today-NOT!
Went over the expectations-what a laugh! Well, we will see what happens. I am trying to hold on to my sanity but it will take all my might to do it. My co banker has Mondays off so now I am the only one expected to do call nights. He is also now scheduled about 37 hours and getting paid for 40-must be nice! SO SO HARD not to be upset and have a negative attitude. Hard not to dwell on the unequal treatment. I am trying-I really am.
Wish I had some of that birthday cake right now! Oh, the baby great niece turns 1 and her party is tomorrow. I can’t believe it!
Tried to go on the chat but IT’S CLOSED??
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Kathryn,
Oh men! Can’t live with them, can’t live with them! LOL! I know that saying is different but I see your post and see what my sister is going through and I don’t feel so bad about being alone. I know, take the good with the bad but I can be so stuborn one of us would be in jail and the other dead!
Hope u have a restful day. It is a lovely evening but I am grounded. Not feeling well and Jen has my car so I am stuck but it is ok. I need the rest.
I did shop today for my baby great niece- 1 year old already! OMG! Where did the year go? Cake and ice cream tomorrow-can’t wait!
loads of love!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks so much for the support-you really don’t know how much it means to me. I get so much from you all. Everyone should post when ever possible. You may think u have nothing to say but what you say may mean a lot to someone and help them through their day.
Had a good day all in all. Went to my GA meeting and we had a speaker. His name is Micheal J Burke. He is a cg who lost his law practice due to embezzling. He is a speaker now and has a book and web site. His site is http://www.neverenoughthebook.com
He made some very good points. People often talk about their monetary losses but the reality is broke is broke. I have seen so many people say "I would never do xxxxxx". Well never say never. He talks of cross addictions. We are addicts-period. We are vulnerable to addictive things, drugs, alcohol, sex, food, u name it. Awareness is so important. He is also an alcoholic, and was told never to gamble, advice he wished he had taken. A very good speaker indeed!
I talked to my ex gambling buddy tonight. I thanked her for still being my friend. She told me that worked both ways-as I added so much to her life and was always a good sounding board when she needed someone. That made me feel good.
I was told by a customer today I looked elegant~well thats a new one! I should wear slacks more often.
Had a quick chat with the sponsor. She said we need to get working or move on. She said the words I couldn’t say because I feel the same way. She insists I call her at least every other day. I took her schedule-as I don’t know what is a good time to call ( and she has brushed me off when she was busy-I told her that ) so we will see.
Need to hit the hay-I’m pooped!
peace
bettie

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