[bettie]

Hi Diva,
I have worn those shoes you are wearing right now and let me tell you-they HURT!
Keep banning until you head gets it-GAMBLING IS NOT AN OPTION! Work on that list Diva, of why you Can’t gamble-not just why you don’t want to. The cg in us says I don’t want to loose my money (but maybe I can "win" some back")-the REAL person that we are deep inside knows that money must be spent on survival-rent, phone, food, gas, etc. It takes quite a while for money to mean something more than a means to gamble. That is insane-but that is what it is.
I banned the state of Indiana first. I kidded myself into believing that I would not gamble in Illinois because I couldn’t smoke there. That lasted a couple of weeks. I slipped and banned Illinois in the same week. I was good a couple months then I ran 1 & 1/2 hours to Michigan. When I got 90 days "clean" the second time around I gave myself a Christmas gift early- I banned Michigan..
We are pro’s at setting our selves up for failure. Every "slip" I had I planted the seed days even week ahead of time. When you get some clean time going you will get a better perspective of what is going on.
I am still friends with my ex gambling buddy but I had to set some  ground work. IF she gambles she is not to mention it to me. Gambling talk is off limits. GA suggests we stay away people who gamble. It’s not a bad suggestion but somehow not always practical. When people and customers inquire about my gambling-everyone knew I liked to gamble-I tell them I don’t gamble anymore-it just doesn’t pay. Most people will leave it at that. The less that people engage in gambling talk the better it is for me. The cg in me LOVES to hear those stories, so I avoid it.
Stay strong Diva! You are so worth it!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Kathryn,
Just trying to catch up on some threads.
I hope things are settling down for you and yours.
Stay strong-you are one tough chick!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well things are on a bit more of an even keel for me. I did go to my meeting, I spoke with the party involved and I faced my fears straight on. That is a lesson I should have learned in kindergarten, and one I have learned the hard way as always "when wrong promptly admit it and make amends where possible".
I will save my venting to emails and not public forums-better for all involved.
I now see the Cg in me trying to really get my head in a different space. It’s looking for ways to break up my recovery and send me back to the gates of casino hell. If I think "every one dislikes me, I have no friends, the casino was always a place to go, "well there it is. CG logic i guess.
score
bettie 1 CG 0
Just another battle in the war. Nice to come out on the right side for a change.
Hope every one is having a gf weekend. Memorial Day holiday here so I am off Monday.
So tired, I have had a long day.
Liz just add it to the list, I try not to dwell too much on being sick. I feel good for the most part. Stopping smoking could put this thing in remission. I have been advised not to try stopping since I am so new to recovery but I think I am ready to give it a go. I just don’t want to gain weight. My Dr was talking insulin pump again and I want no part of that. A lousy 10 pound loss would go a long way toward getting my sugar back where it should be.
P i hope to see u again soon! Ditto to U Carole!
I should be posting but too sleepy now.
Hope to catch up soon.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Kids,
I’m hanging in  there. I have a lot on my mind. I saw my doctor today to review blood work. Something odd came up. A couple years back I was sent to see a specialist-a blood doctor. He has been monitoring my white cell count. I have had a slight elevation and it has always been a "watch and see" kind of thing. Well I was quite startled today. I was given a diagnosis. I was told "no one dies from this" but I have CLL- Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia. I’ve done some research and most people with this just have it , it doesn’t progress, so we will see.
I almost wish he hadn’t told me. I’ve got a cancer-that is a very weird thing to say.
If you notice holes in my thread thats because i have edited myself. I would rather err on the side of caution than risk hurting someone.
I have said too much already but I will say what was said to me was said in private, not in a group, however at least one other person in the group is aware and i don’t want to face her. I’m not good at awkward. I don’t think I will go to the meeting tomorrow. 3 days of upset is enough and I don’t want to face this tomorrow.
Thanks for your concern guys, I’ll be fine.
I did go to the chiropractic and had the best massage! That was lovely!
peace
bettie
— 5/27/2011 3:50:59 AM: post edited by bettie.– 5/27/2011 3:52:25 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Well that headache I woke up with has returned. I have been thinking about the situation I find myself in and I am very upset about it.
I am re reading my thread to see if anything I posted could be seen as me betraying fellow GA members, retelling their therapy stories in my thread. That is what I stand accused of. I just don’t see repeating comments made to ME about ME at GA as retelling someones therapy. I am guess i am wrong, now that it had been discussed among my sponsor and another member, I feel like an *ss, and I also feel betrayed.
I thought I felt excluded before and now that I feel that i have been deemed untrustworthy I don’t want to go back.
I guess this is why I have so few friends-I really rub people the wrong way. I don’t know how to fix that or I would.I’m not good at just sitting back and taking it when I feel criticized. I think I should just shut up and never say a word because every thing I say is wrong. I feel defeated, ashamed, stupid, worthless. Heck I don’t think I have felt quite this bad since the last time I gambled.
 
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I don’t even know where to start. I have such a headache. I’m at one of those PMS moments where I just want to chuck it all and say to h*ll with it.
I shared some of my thread and was accused of violating "whats said in the room stays in the room". I thought sharing things that were said to ME about ME and how I felt about those things would not be off limits. I’ll try to keep this simple and to the point. I feel really bad that I may have in some way "broken the rules". I was told my posts could be interpreted as having a "spy" in the room and my cg reaction is to just quit GA meeting and run.
If you knew me at all you would know I would never jeopardize someone’s recovery by gossiping about them.
I now feel a bit stifled here, like I am no longer able to share whats on my mind. Kind of like the kid in school who is being shunned by the "cool" kids.
I’m at a cross roads.
bettie

[bettie]

Hey guys,
Well I am just beat! Yea Laura, I worked and we were very busy. I stopped briefly to see my friend, he is still weak but better. He got real emotional when we talked, I just told him it was OK-you have every right to feel like you feel-but it is so hard to see a man cry because being men that is a really hard thing for them to do. I told him I spent lots of time on the farm and in farm houses and nothing really surprises me. I told him my brother cleaned the bathroom and he said he needed hazard pay for doing that!
I did sleep pretty well last night Liz and really didn’t want to get up. 6 & 1/2 months-wow! WTG!!
Went to my nieces graduation – nice ceremony but with almost 400 kids very long.
Tomorrow is another busy day!
living life-who knew??
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I have not been on the chat at all really all weekend. I am sore and very tired today. After all the cleaning yesterday at my friends condo I was up at 3:30am and never went back to bed. I cleaned in my place a bit then went back and finished cleaning at my friends condo. I put  in my wash then went to the store. My brother called, said he was at the hospital and they were letting him come home. My brother said that our friend was upset, said he felt bad that when he called me to take care of his birds that his place was such a mess. My brother said don’t worry about it, bettie has a surprise for you when u get home. He said our friend got all choked up.So glad I got that task done for him. I was not prepared for the mess but the guy’s sick and had really let even the most basic stuff go. I picked up a few grocery’s and left them for him too. I did see him when he got home, he’s very weak but in good spirits. I will keep a better check on him and will just bring stuff to him as he won’t ask for help and he really needs it now.
Well I need some sleep. Today is the anniversary of when my dad passed 11 years ago. I miss him.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hello to all my defenders, super hero’s that you are!
Bettie, CG extraordinary here
I kinda like that intro!
Well, in all fairness, i was feeling especially sensitive when I posted. I have known since I started GA that they were very closed minded about anything that strays from the GA program. They achieved their recovery doing "just what the book says"- no deviation and no other interpretation allowed. I get this. I am also told rebellion to these idea’s is the illness trying to push you back into it’s arms! Well I get that too.
I just got home from my meeting tonight , got a 9 month key chain, felt stupid taking it after all, I only have "abstinence" but didn’t say anything. Then it happen. I was asked if I wanted to tell my story as a speaker at an upcoming meeting. I didn’t know what to say. I told her I needed to think about it and she said that was OK.
I think that is my biggest area of discontent, because even though I am just starting working the steps I sure as h*ll have been working MY recovery-even if it is not considered GA recovery and you know what? Thats OK. I don’t need approval I just need help. If I can be challenged to think in a different way, see what I have been blind to, face my fears, well it’s all good.
Funny that Larry quoited from his post in the topic groups. I just read that this morning, having whole heartedly agreed with every word he typed.
If it takes the rambling of a mad woman to get Jules up and posting well thats a good thing! love Ya Girl!
Tx Linnie, Lizbeth and Carole! Please don’t let me and my mouth turn you away from meetings. There is alot to be said about being in a room with your peers-and thinking to yourself "this person is even nuttier than me!" But on a serious note there but for the Grace of God…. because I see things I could have done, lines I could have crossed. As bad as it was it could have been so much worse. Lots of lesions to be learned for sure.
On a very sad note my neighbor- my brothers best friend, has been fighting lung cancer for a couple years. He called me from the hospital and it doesn’t look good for him. We talked for a while, he is mostly upset about leaving his 17 year old daughter with her alcoholic mother. Any one who prays please say one for my friend-a very sweet guy you would have been glad to know. He said he may come home with hospice care so I called my brother to see if he could come help me clean his place tomorrow-I have the key and will be taking care of his birds and mail.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I made my 9 months yesterday. I was told I had 9 months abstinence and would most likely get my 1 year abstinence however that was all I had, as I have not been working my recovery.
Funny, because of the 14 plus months that I have been posting here I thought I was working on recovery but I guess I am just here kidding myself into believing I was doing something-when the reality is I am just isolating and escaping.
I have a lot of work to do- I don’t believe I have kidded myself into thinking that I didn’t. I find it hurtful that the "work" I have done is totally discounted because I won’t give up my life to attend multiple GA meetings.
I have a lot of fear-this is not news to me. I am still making the "slights" I feel on a daily basis "all about me". I don’t think I imagine them and it is true I read things into situations that really may or may not be the case.
I am human, I have human feelings. I bruise easily. Is it mental illness or the reactions I have due to years of disappointment? Or has my negativity caused all the hurt in my life? It’s all my fault, I should have known that.
I have to change the negativeness I feel. I have to stop telling myself I am worthless, undeserving, and unlovable.
So here I am. CG extraordinary.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Read something funny today. Actually they were talking about this  at my GA meeting too. Seems a woman in the states is suing a national chain of children’s pizza/party place because they have arcade games that, in her opinion, teach children to gamble. It is true that the games spit out tickets and the kid collect prizes – the higher their scores the more tickets given and the better the prize. There was a comment i read where a mom said her kid stole coins from her purse in order to "play" more-and when she didn’t get the prize she wanted threw a tantrum begging just one more quarter mommy!
I look way back to my behaviors. When I was young, like 8 years old, I would steal coins from my DADS COIN COLLECTION to play arcade games. No prizes-just the thrill of the race car winning or hitting a home run on the baseball pin ball machine. I loved those machines! Then video arcades! I loved Ms Pac Man! I was playing in a convenience store while my Apartment was on fire! No Joke! No one could find me ( pre cell phones ) and my brother remembered I might be there.
Even as a young adult i remember pawning jewelry ( some rings my ex had bought and retrieved from an old girl friend) so I could get quarters to play Ms Pac Man. My gf and I would go in the middle of the night and play that game!
WOW, I had forgotten all that!
More recently, the first time i went to the movies they have arcade machines in the lobby. They are so similar to video slots that they gave me urges.
I guess my rambling might hit a nerve and make you wonder too.
I don’t know about the lawsuit however hind site is 20/20.
I would NEVER give a child a scratch off ticket and I would have to re think the whole arcade thing.
peace
bettie
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Looking for something warm to wear to work. Went from 90f to 50f today, Heat is off in the building and it is cold in here. Real funny since I ran my air conditioning for two days!
hope to chat u all soon!
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 2:59:28 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I did hear from P today. She is taking a break but said she would join some chats. Hope to run into her soon.
Very hot again today, so I had to grill more chicken. Made some veggies on a skewer and some brown rice on the stove. Nice to have some home cooked food fast as instant when I get home.
Hope everyone is doing well. I did finally go to the Doctor so he could confirm what i already knew. Feeling better so thats a bonus.
hope to chat u all soon!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wow it is warm here, 33C! (91.6f) Just waiting for a storm, very volatile this time of the year. Calling for rain tomorrow so maybe we will dodge the bullet. Too hot to cook so i threw some boneless skinless chicken thighs on the grill with an ear of corn. I made ice tea too. Yummy!
Went to work, feeling better but not 100%. Wanted to go work out but I think i need to wait until at least Thursday and see how it goes. I am swollen and look 6 months pregnant! The infection, the heat? Who knows so time will tell.
Hope everyone is doing well and staying busy. I still stay on the weekend chat when I am home. A busy mind is not preoccupied with gambling.
Thats a good thing!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey guys,
Hope everyone had a good day. I stayed home, too exhausted, and ate and slept in the chair. I feel better but not well if that makes sense.
Lots of nice chats today, between naps, but i want to run out to the grocery store. Maybe a quick shower would wake me up.
Larry i saw where the closing of the casinos cost 87 million a month. But i know how depressed the economy is and do feel for the workers.  Maybe some good will come of it for those like us who have a problem.
peace
bettie– 5/26/2011 3:00:34 AM: post edited by bettie.

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