[bettie]

Well my friends funeral was today but I decided not to go. Jennie doesn’t understand why I would not go and in some ways I didn’t understand it myself. I feel like our relationship ended a long time ago and we really already said our goodbyes. He told me the last time I saw him that the next time I saw him would be at his funeral. Well I guess he was wrong-not that I feel like I won in any way shape or form. I never posted about him here on my thread because I had become involved with the FWB’s and had stopped seeing him-and in all honesty I was afraid my stupid and impulsive and frankly unsafe behavior could affect his health. It’s one thing to put your own health on the line and quite another thing to put someone else in harms way.
The service for my neighbor is next month and I will have to arrange for time off.
Carole you did what was best for you and I believe I did the same. I have heard many times that recovery is a selfish process and I am starting to get that. I did talk to his daughter yesterday and gave my condolences. Thats all I would have done if I had gone anyways.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I think the speech went well but I walked into the room with a heavy heart.
Got a voice mail from someone i don’t know telling me that a man I was involved with for about 16 years died on Fathers Day this past Sunday. What are the chances of loosing two friends in one week??
The last contact i had with him was not good, and thats all I could think about today. On the way to my meeting I remembered the first time he kissed me-under the street light in a misty rain, just like in a romantic movie. I was 29 then-my daughters age now. Romance is wasted on the young!
I started with my poem, then I talked about my first day at gt, read the first page of my thread. I talked about where I was then, where I am now and where I hoped to be. ( oh and I cried-had some members in tears too-and laughed and made some people smile ). I think it went as well at it could have and I am glad I wrote some stuff too. I read Kin’s post about the two wolves-which one will you feed? He posted that to me a very long time ago. Everyone loved it so thank you Kin for helping my recovery.
Thank you all.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the posts. Trying to get moving but being lazy. ( what? bettie lazy? never! haha! )
Went into my neighbors condo to feed the birds and take in mail. Very strange to be in there now. I opened his windows for a bit. I can "feel" him in there and feel like i am intruding-odd feeling. I will take out the trash and open his fridge as it broke down and is unplugged. It’s needs a wash down because I don’t know what his brother plans to do with his place but that will have to be replaced before the condo can be sold.
Will have to finish my outline for tomorrow. i will be glad when that speaking is done tomorrow.
Off to the Chropractor then maybe to curves. Lizbeth loosing weight is no small feat as i can truly attest to so please share away! I need all the encouragement I can get. I went on line and bought a new workout DVD and a recovery book , the 12 steps illustrated by the Peanuts Characters. Should be interesting and fun. I bought those with the gift card from my friend.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well my neighbor passed this afternoon. My brother told me when he left him last night he went to say good bye and he woke, sat up, and gave him a good long hand shake and was trying to say good by back to him. My poor brother is beside himself.
Well Vera I think I am back to the outline and winging it. I speak this Friday, unless I faint, but we meet at a hospital and the ER is just down the hall so all the bases are covered.
Had a sit down one on one with the new assistant. She’s a bit over the top but nice enough. She told me i carried the day ( I got a GREAT account that should put me over the top for the goal, Thanks God!). She told me she could tell I knew my business and was wonderful with the customers. She said THANK YOU, and I mean that.
I have not had a manager say that to me in SO LONG. It made me nervous-waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’ll take that back, it is as it should be.
Lizbeth, how dare you loose weight AND inches! Color me green!   ( but i guess thats what hard work gets you-success!!)
Today I am thankful.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Oh where to start.
9:30 pm- just got home and ate a bowl of cold cereal. I got out of the call night at work so I went to curves. I decided to call my brother, he’s working on something for my daughters place. My neighbors twin brother had just called him-said to come to the hospital now as my neighbor had turned for the worse. My brother asked me to go and I was 1/2 way there already so I went.
I’ve never seen someone so close to death but I have been told about this type of situation so I had an idea of what to expect. His brother and sister in law were there. I stayed for my brother to get there and stayed until he seemed a bit more comfortable. "Hey buddy", he said to his friend since childhood when he came into the room. His brother had said my neighbor cried earlier when he told him my brother was coming. I doubt he will last much longer. When he was talking earlier he told his brother he "just wanted to sleep now and not wake up". He’s ready. His other sister had to return to California this morning. She has chemo herself tomorrow. When I think of how hard my life can be sometimes I will try to imagine having to leave my brother on his death bed and fly 2000 miles away knowing I will never see him again in this life.
I do have a funny story that I told his family at the hospital.
When I started my workouts 4 years ago I was bouncing all 300lbs of myself all around my condo. I could only imagine the noise this poor guy had to hear. We had gone to dinner with my brother and I apologized about all the noise coming from my unit-He lives right below me. His response, "well i knew SOMETHING was going on up there but I figured whatever it was none of my business!" LOL! What a sweet man. He surly got a raw deal.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice busy day yesterday. Started off a bit rough but worked out in the end.
Stopped by my sisters then my daughter and I drove to see her dad. Went to dinner with my ex, his wife, their son and my daughter. My daughter said he should have updated his face book status to "off to dinner with my 2 baby mommas and my kidz". If u knew my ex u would know how funny that would be.
New assistant manager starts today. That should be interesting.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

OMG!
RG I almost lost it over your story! LOL!
Kathryn, thanks so much. I talked to my sister-she was so upset-and we hashed it all out. Thanks for your help K, it means so much!
bettie

[bettie]

Happy Fathers Day!
Well my sister called and I made her feel really bad! I didn’t mean to but I had to tell her how I felt. Yes, she did not mean to slight me, I knew that. Yes I am always welcome there and no I don’t need an invitation.
So much pain and hurt going on around me right now-hard to tell the truth from the lies my cg mind keeps telling me. All things "normal" people deal with on a daily basis magnified under the weight of a cg affected brain trying to make you look for a way to escape.
Awareness
bettie 2 cg 0
thanks Kathryn for being my sounding board, your sage advice and wisdom and defense of me-always nice to know that I have a true friend in my corner!
I feel much better
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Kathryn,
Are u around?
Looking for a chat partner!!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Liz,
I guess I need to look  at things with an open mind. Sometimes people are so self absorbed they forget the big picture. I just found out that there was a party for the nephew in law that I wasn’t invited to either. I need to take the high road. These are things I make to be about myself and really are they? Disappointing for sure and it is hard not to have feelings of worthlessness but this is a biggie-I have always personalized stuff like this and let it make me feel bad. Maybe she thinks I am doing something for my Ex with my daughter and the thought never crossed her mind. She is under a ton of stress right now. But no more excuses for her.
The speech-ug! I have been writing all day and I am exhausted. I think I will take a suggestion I got and just make bullet points and wing it. I am sorry now that I agreed to do it, getting a bit frustrated I guess.
Working out? What is that???
I seem to have forgotten how!
I’m a mess!
bettie

[bettie]

My neighbors twin brother stopped by with his wife. Wanted to thank me. Of course I am in a night gown and this place reeks of cigarette smoke and cat box! Such a lovely combo!
Got snubbed for fathers day tomorrow-was invited to my sisters house as an after thought. Long story short she is short on cash and she invited my brother and told him he could invite me if he wanted-but they would have to share the ribs that were bought. You know if money was an issue all she had to do was say hey we’re buying for the Dads and u are on your own. That would have been fine.
Gee, in the past something like that would have sent me off to gamble and have my own fun. Well I’ll not go where I am not wanted. And i won’t gamble either.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

don’t light a match Kathryn!
lol!
lovely to see u two times today!!
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had a great one on one with my sponsor. She graduated me to step two! Hey I’m 2!! Yea!
Up early today on my off day. Lots of things to do.
My neighbor has been moved to "comfort care". His sister left a note asking me to care for his birds until his twin brother can come and take them away. It will be hard to let myself into his unit-knowing he’s most likely not coming back. When I have bought flowers for my flower box I have always bought too many and I usually gave him the leftovers to plant. I think i will go down and plant them anyways-my little tribute. At least when his family comes to take care of his condo there will be a sign of life. He is very much the nature lover. He told me when we last talked that he was leaving a nature channel running on his television so when he woke from naps he would wake to something beautiful. I went through this stage with my brother 9 years ago, from praying for a miracle to praying for a peaceful passing. I know he has not been ready to this point, fighting tooth and nail to stay here. Maybe it’s time to let go. May God comfort him on his journey.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Haven’t posted because I have not had much else to say! lol! Bettie? Speechless?
Not really just lazy.
Worked out today-had not planned to but it did make me feel better. I wish I could get rid of the negative thoughts I beat myself up with-eg why bother? too late, your wasting your time, and on and on. I get so disgusted I want to give up. The really funny thing is i get a computer read out that tells you how many calories you burned. It said i burned 689 calories. I don’t think that was the case-when i was in my best shape the most I did was 500. I was soaking wet but I am also doubtful that the measure was correct. That did inspire me to have a nice grilled chicken dinner and motivated me to get a salad for lunch tomorrow.
Just need to ignore the negative thoughts. My sponsor says to watch for things like that-it’s really the cg’s ugly head popping up trying to find ways to out smart me. That does make sense.
Customer asked me about my asst manager who retired-said what a wonderful person she was. I told him "You know XXXX she just retired-we didn’t have her killed!" Told him he was stuck with me and was not going to be nearly as nice to him as she was!  
I need to get it together and write out "my" story. I have been asked to speak at our meeting and have to fill about 30-45 minutes. I have a basic outline but I need to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and get on with doing it.
Scared and flattered, truth be told. I have read before large groups before-(Vera I really screwed up a Mass one time!) but I have never had to speak about my self.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Good chats!
Just a little correction Lynn. My neighbor, who had lung cancer, has his sister, who also has cancer taking care of him! God bless them both!
My diet has been really BAD! I have been increasing my insulin-doctor supervised-but that isn’t good!
Did just find out my sister had a pretty bad car wreck-rear ended by a SUV-and refused to go to the hospital. Niece was in the car too and is complaining of neck pain.
The fish was wonderful.
Daughter called asking if i took (stole) her lottery scratch off ticket! Nice! Like i want to blow my clean time for that crap!
She’s going to apply for unemployment benefits tomorrow. That will give her a better idea about what her next move is. Talking about getting rid of the BF so we will see.
need to hit the hay!
peace
bettie
 

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