[bettie]

Thanks Liz.
Would love to chat but I’m sorry-I have never really adapted to the “new” site.
On the “old” site you could tell when someone was on the chat and join in. This was such a nice feature on the site-please bring it back! Also-very frustrating that unless someone has posted to you that you have to go searching for the end of your thread. Why?
bettie

[bettie]

I never thought being called a crackpot could be called aaa gdthing. Lol.
I have work in the morning but hope to get a good night’s sleep. My niece came over with her little girls and my sister for a swim . I am exhausted something about being in the water I guess it’s nice to have company although I should have went to a meeting tonight instead I have to be up for work in the morning so chalk this up as a gamble free day and move on to tomorrow

[bettie]

Your words are the right words at the right time.
Just for today I did not self destruct. I took my mother out to do something she enjoys.Recovery one day at a time. Glorious

[bettie]

Woke with a screaming headache this morning-up with a low sugar last night. i had to fight myself to get up. i could tell I was having an issue but just didn’t want to get out of bed. I see the specialist today. Must remember to put a can of pop on the nightstand.
No $ = No gambling-that’s an easy one. I will be scraping even with 3 paydays this month.
Had a big big boss randomly show up at my branch yesterday. Quite nerve racking-she hung out all day. I thought someone would be fired as none of us know why she was there. She seemed very snotty and stuck up. Short one word answers, attitude, etc. I told my co-banker she must have a really stressful job as i know she answers directly to the State President-not something I would ever care to do. I had a recent situation where I was told I helped a customer too much-and that I could be terminated over it if certain people were to find out. I thought well maybe “today’s the day”. While I can’t go into detail I did tell my boss what happened and she told me she provided the same service for a customer and didn’t see anything wrong with what I did. I’ll keep that in my back pocket as that is info that could save me if the time comes. I chalked it up to God’s will-if I keep this job or get canned it was is whatever is in His plan. I can’t control the uncontrollable and I can also learn from my mistakes.
I may go see my Mom after my appointment today. My sister and I took her downstate and she spent about 2 weeks with my sister in law and my brother. They took a little trip to Missouri and saw distant family members. My cousin was very happy to see her and made her very welcome.
I went to my sisters and spent 5 hours cleaning my moms bed room. I had hoped to get more done but she is about 6 months from be featured on a “Hoarders” episode. I did a quickie clean up in her Kitchen and bathroom. I never even got close to cleaning front room. Way too much work for one person. I think I mainly went to clean up out of guilt over my gambling. Punishment of some sort I guess. I did talk to my brother and he is on board about getting new flooring throughout her unit. The carpet is way beyond cleaning and frankly she has always been sloppy and now getting to the point where she is no longer able to do a heck of a lot for herself.
I don’t plan to gamble today.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Liz, thanks Kin.
I feel like i’m in constant prayer. The problem is I seem to do all the talking and can’t calm down and listen.
Off to work.
I’ll bring my piggy bank in today.
oh the “good old days”-I haven’t missed this part at all!
bettie

[bettie]

Nice to see so many comments-frankly I didn’t there would be any. I should know you all better by now-its just my lack of self worth telling me I don’t deserve anything, that I am just a hypocrite.
Its sad that our chances of recovery are so similar to the odds of winning the lottery.
No V, Jen doesn’t know I’m gambling-only 2 people know and they know this is something only I can fix.
I still haven’t the guts to confess at a meeting-in fact I avoid them like the plague. I’m not ready-I don’t know why.
All logic tells me I am digging the ditch very deep-I am loosing all interest in outside things. I just posted for the first time in months on the auction site. It seems a waste of time to make a couple dollars when I so carelessly feed a slot machine 20 after 20 thinking I am “due” to hit something. What a joke is that? I know better-there is no “win”-I’ve said it a million times.
I don’t want to stop yet I know its killing me.
I don’t know how to feel good again.
I’m frightened by whats happening-where did my resolve go?
I got totally drunk last week-something I haven’t done in ages. I went to a bar and gambled. I lost money that I didn’t have-thank God I got home. Back in the height of my gambling this was something I did quite frequently. I was close to home-not even 3 minutes away. I had to drive right past the Police station. So glad I didn’t hurt anyone. I had to work the next day so hungover and sick I couldn’t hold my head up.
WTF is wrong with me?
bettie

[bettie]

Ever faithful P! Thanks Cat and Liz!
I wish I could post that things are going smoothly however that would be a lie.
I am getting closer to hitting a new low-and maybe that’s a good thing.
I can’t seem to give up the ghost-surrender seems so far away.
Jen’s making some headway and catching up on bills and making plans to get ahead.
I am in a financial bind-again. Between helping her and gambling and medical bills i have created quite a mess. I am scrambling to figure out how to steal from Peter to pay Paul. I’ve been here before-not good-but maybe the wake up call I need.
Time to get ready for work.
Take care
bettie

[bettie]

Always good to hear from old “friends”!
As for my Mom she has been squirreling away money every month. I do believe she wants to return downstate to live. This would mean my sister would loose her house as my mom pays some of the bills there. Her favorite son and grandson live there however he would never take care of her. She is no longer capable of living on her own and if she was really set on leaving my sister next step is a nursing home. She doesn’t listen when I tell her that if that ever happened she would have no money as you have to sign over everything to the care center. I keep telling her to do something for herself-take a trip, pay a taxi if she really wants to go somewhere – what ever. I also told her when shes gone that I am going to blow that money asap so if she doesn’t enjoy it I will!
On that note I haven’t gambled or even had the urge to gamble since I posted here last week, 2 weeks Wednesday I believe. I did go to a meeting Friday. I know that helps and I will go to another this week.
I return to work tomorrow. I have been off a month. Time flys when I am off work.
I talked to Jen’s dad and he has a small amount of money to help her get the license plates for the car and $100 toward the rent. Every bit helps and it make me feel less stress.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks P Thanks Kpat.
I am in such a bad head space today.
Step 1 my life has become unmanageable. No truer words ever said. I find myself in similar situations, places I thought I would never revisit.
I took a Xanax as I felt I could not make it through the evening without my head exploding.
Talked to Jen this morning. She took all the money left in our joint account-not just what I told her she could have. I now have to come up with all the insurance money that is coming out this weekend. I have decided that once this payment is made ( and the next automatic payment on her credit card) I have to close the account. If I just let the account overdraw it will affect me as it is at my job and I can’t afford to have them noisy in my business.
I saw my mom today. She won’t help me with Jen because she knows I booked the cruse for November. How dare I enjoy myself! Since we all now know that I have always been her “problem child” and got pregnant at 17 “just to spite her” I do not deserve her help! Yes she has loaned me money in the past-which I have paid back with interest. She needs all her money just in case my drug addict brother might need something. I mean you know after all he’s “sick”. I can very well take care of myself and if I have money for cruses then surely I have a lot of money and I can bail Jen out.
Failure-again and again. I feel like I am holding a sign over my head. Or maybe a sign on my back-kick me.
bettie

[bettie]

It doesn’t surprise me to see posts on my thread. I would have posted yesterday however I woke with stomach pains and nausea that lasted most of the day.
I haven’t gambled in almost a week. P your posts to me were really lifesaving as they made me feel guilty and that’s not a bad thing when you ARE guilty!
My knee is on the mend however like my last surgery my blood sugar has been out of control. I went to the diabetic specialist and she has adjusted my insulin settings on my pump. I am taking tons of insulin now but its what I need and I just have to test like 10 times a day to keep a handle on things.
I think I will try to find a meeting closer to home. I have been to a few before just didn’t find what I was looking for at that time. I’ve got nothing to loose really.
I know one big trigger for me this time around had been resentment. I am very frustrated with Jenny and I let her drain almost all of my last retirement roll out. She called today for money to pay her electric bill. I know “cut her off” but easier said than done.
I have also been dealing with abandonment issues. My friend, the one who used to sponsor me, pretty much ditched me over the winter month. I was sick a lot this past winter and she quit smoking and quite frankly didn’t want me around. She is my biggest worry. When I “slipped” the first time around she dumped me as a sponcee saying it was over for when I went back out. Now she and I have a vacation booked for November and if she knows I have been gambling, well, I just don’t know whats going to happen there.
For the record I quit smoking, again, a month ago. I didn’t want to have surgery while I was smoking because I had so much trouble breathing after my shoulder surgery 2 years ago.
Now to stop eating!
bettie

[bettie]

Wow, miss p thank you for always thinking of me.
Thanks too to all here who have supported me on this site-too many to mention and I would not want to miss anyone. If you see your name on my thread then know I meant you!
I have tried to post here a few times-only to have my post disappear into cyber space.
There is no way to soften what I have to say so I will just say it. I am gambling and it is killing me to have to say it.
I am frequenting the slot”cafes” that are on every corner here now. I am not happy-to say the least.
I feel some what boxed out of my meeting and can’t “confess” my sin for fear of rejection.
Jennie has started yet another job. Something better than nothing. She also lost her blind cat that I spent so much money on. She never listens to me and insisted even after he wandered off and animal control picked him up ( cost me $30), on letting him go outside. He got hit by a car and crawled under the neighbors porch and died. Another cat is missing and I am presuming the worst. She just doesn’t seem as upset as I am. I thought I raised her better but she is out of control and irresponsible.
I had surgery on the 27th of April. I had my knee scoped. I had a torn minicus that they cleaned up. I have been off work the last 3 weeks and won’t return until for another week. I may have been able to put it off however I needed a break from work before I did something stupid like quit. The company and the management can be awful. We are still “new” and have so much to learn. The coaching style of my boss runs hot and cold-she manages based on emotion and makes snap judgements without getting the facts first. Everyone there is upset-2 have left. The future there is unknown.
I have also spent 8 hours in the dentist chair in the last 4 weeks. I went for a cleaning and they said I had a cracked tooth. Two fillings and a root canal later and I now have mouth pain where I had none before.
Well I could keep going but I will stop here.
bettie

[bettie]

I was glad to see your post! I am sure you are getting a lot of advice but I’ll add my 2 cents for what its worth.
Lots of care givers are CG. Maybe it’s because they give and give and need to unload all the pent up stress with the numb feeling of hitting a button and waiting for a reward to fill that need. Just a thought.
No cash means no gambling.
Non CGs will never understand this illness or what it means to us. A friend called me Miss Las Vegas yesterday-and she knows I am CG. What a thing to say!
Surender is accepting that if we want a “normal” life and a return to a “normal way of thinking” we can never gamble again. It took me a very long time to accept that but it was very freeing when the feeling hit me. This doesn’t mean we will never want to gamble, we just accept that it is very harmful and doesn’t solve any problems.
Gambling stopped being “fun” a long time ago. When we cross that invisable line into uncontrollable compulsive gambling there is no going back.
CGs never “win”-because there is no win just fuel for the next binge. “Winners” walk away. We can no longer physicaly or mentaly do that.
Gambling is income for the providers-their job is to attract you to gamble so they can make a living. It is not their job to police you. If you choose to gamble they will be glad to take your money.
Well thats it for my rant right now-lol! I will be nursing my strained knee today as I have called off work.
Just for today I choose not to gamble and I hope you choose the same. The longer we don’t gamble the less the urges become. Believe it or not the days will make weeks, weeks make months, and before you know it months make years. The key is “just for today”.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for thinking of me p. As for thing going well, thats another story. I’m dealing with a lot of stress at work, so thats nothing new. Jen is sick-again-and has been let go from her new job. I am going to go see her next week, Had I known this I would have saved the money and sent it to her. And so life goes.
Butch I wish I could say we all recover and live happily ever after but no, thats not the case. As for the forum it’s just not easy to use like it used to be and unless I am venting I don’t get on here much any more.
People move on from the site for many reasons but in my opinion unless we continue to find ways to work recovery we relaspe. There is no one perfect way to “stay clean”-we all have to find a way. This is a lifestyle change that we work on for the rest of our lives. The things that made us CG in the first place are still there-we have to learn to cope with life on lifes terms.
bettie

[bettie]

woke up this morning with an email from Vera. Funny how 5 years on the forum passed so quickly. Well lots of things have changed over the last 5 years not all of them have been good things. I guess it’s just life on life life’s terms. I I wish I had the health I had 5 years ago but unfortunately I do not.
I wish I was 5 years “clean” too but recovery doesn’t work that way for most people.
I just want to thank everyone here for their support. I wouldn’t be here without you all.
bettie

[bettie]

They managed to dump about 4 feet of hard snow behind my car! i had to shovel it myself. Once that was done my wheels were still spinning and I couldn’t move an inch. I got some of the ice melter we use for the walkway and shoved it under my wheels. I managed to get out and kept rolling. I can hear a car stuck outside right now.

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