[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Gee Laura I don’t seem to be catching u on chats at all! Well maybe saturday-if I can manage to wake up.
Dr called about the x-ray. Nothing new there, which is good. i have a lot of scarring in my right lung. I was told I have a lot of scar tissue because of a birth defect-an extra flap of skin in my lung-weird-and from many many untreated childhood illinesses. I do feel much better but can’t sleep well. I cough and wake myself up. I have another Dr appointment in a few weeks so he will follow up. I’m better but when I do start coughing it is still awful
Hey celina here’s a good ga site http://www.cghub.co.za. They have detailed worksheets on working the 12 steps. I have gotten some real good info there.
Caron I did read where you said GT was your only support right now. I was the same my first 4-5 months. I was stubborn about going to ga. To be frank about it I was scared. Do what ever you have to do to arrest this thing. A burden shared is half as bad.
Well time to get ready for work.
Have a great day!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks once again for everything. Carole I think you and Larry hit it on the head. "The people who count, the people who care about me." That was one of the many things I have learned in recovery-I don’t need everyone’s approvial and people DO care about me. Co dependancy is awful and man, I can be full of that!
Vera I do understand your points about GA. A rep from the international service office came to my pinning. She has 16 years clean. She mentioned how wonderful it was to see all the woman there supporting each other. So many people discounted woman cg’s. ( How could ANYONE be addicted to hitting a button! ). My, how things have changed. Maybe it will take some pioneering woman there in Ireland to get the message out. Gambeling is an equal opportunity addiction.
Hey G, I plan to use my bag everyday, no more "saving it for good". It’s all good! Get yours out and go grocery shopping-what u waiting for?? lol!
Thank you Kathryn, Laura, Celina, Geordie, Lizbeth, Pumpkin, Lynn, Reds,Jules, and anyone else I may have missed. I would not be here if not for you all!
peace
bettie
— 8/23/2011 3:21:33 AM: post edited by bettie.– 8/23/2011 12:49:52 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
It has been a lovely week thats for sure!
I did something totally unnessary and frivolous and enjoyed every minute of it.
I went shopping with my gf yesterday and bought a new Coach purse. I bought the matching wallet too!
My gf said "Remember all the times we went to the "boat" and counted how many Coach purses we could have to show for the money spent? Just do it! You deserve it!" So I did!
Well no more treats for me for a while-that one blew a hole in the budget for sure! LOL! If I were gambling though that would have been maybe 1 hour’s money wasted or a "lite" loss for the evening. Funny how money has value again.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Everyone!!
My pinning was everything I thought it would be and more. Quite moving to say the least.
I don’t think there were many dry eyes in the room after the reading of "Marilee Story" as I have now named what I took from her thread. Thank you Marilee, where ever you are. You gave a room full of people a voice, not to mention the thousands of people who have read it here.
I did pretty well with all the attention-not something I am accustomed to. I was really suprised at all the nice things people said, how I had touched their lives. Me. Me touching peoples lives. Me with something worth saying. I kept it together-until my girl friend spoke. My sponser hosted the meeting and asked my gf, my ex gambling buddy if she wanted to say something. She only spoke a few words before she broke down. She said while my attitude and presence had changed the one thing that hadn’t changed was my heart. She cryed, I cryed, my daughter cryed, the room cryed. My daughter went next and said how glad she was that my gf made me cry-as she was afraid she would be the one who did. She told me how happy she was for me and that she was so proud of me. She pinned me after that. It was a beautiful thing. I said a few words after that. I told them about how inportaint all the tools were and that the online support I have gotten here was Godsent. Your support got me to GA. ( Esp Harry nagging me to go!) I mentioned what Charles said to me in the group yesterday. "The one year pin is the hardest to get-and the hardest to keep." Everyone agreed.
I have the weekend off and Jen is hosting my mom’s birthday tomorrow.
Sleepy rainy day.
I think I’ll just take it easy.
peace
bettie
 — 8/20/2011 3:50:41 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

Hi Guys,
P, Laura, Vera, the list is endless. I feel your love, i really do. Too bad I can’t channel that love into love for myself.
I am ashamed to admit that I did just exactly what I shouldn’t do. I tried to escape into the casino and as usual it solved nothing.
I am sorry for my slip but truth be told I want to go again. It is as I always thought it would be, I miss having some place to run to when I want to escape.
There are better ways to deal with life besides running to the casino, I know that. I have to work harder, I have to want recovery more than I do, I have to want a better life, a different life than the one I’ve been living because this one is leading to destruction. I am scared to leave the "known" for the "unknown". that little nagging voice in my head tells me it will never be better, nothing and no one is waiting for you.
But i am a gambler, why not take the chance for something better?
bettie
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom
         Hello,
         My name is Bettie-Greatful Recovering Compulsive Gambler, last day gambled 8-18-2010.
         The post above is from 8-19-2010, the day after the last day I gambled. So filled with pitty and remorse, so
         sorry to post that I blew it yet again.
         How things have changed!
        
The 12 GA Promises

We will be amazed before we are half way through.  (I am amazed every day)
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. (I see things more clearly now)
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. ( If not for the past I would not be here now)
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.(I am calm when i used to be fearful) 
No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experience can benefit others. (I freely share my story)
The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. ( I am quite productive and talented)
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. ( I strive to do the right thing)
Self-seeking will slip away. (I do things for others because i want to-i don’t seek out rewards)
Our whole attitude and outlook towards life will change. ( I have value)
Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. ( I have all that I need)
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. ( I am more mature )
We will suddenly realize that GoD is doing for us that we could not do for ourselves. (AMEN)   
 
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialise if we work for them.
To all my cyber friends, my success is your success. If not for the suport and encouragement from you all I am quite sure that I would be celebrating my "one year" Today!
They say in GA that the group loves you until you can love yourself, and then they love you more! I believe the same is true for all the folks here.
Thank you all!
Much love and peace
"bettie"
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Feeling better but still  not well. Working tomorrow but I am off the rest of the week.
No worries about working out. Just getting dressed and going to work is workout enough.
Just saw a news story. A Priest from a local parish got probation for stealing 295 thousand from the Church coffers to gamble on the riverboats here.
This is a sick disease. It can take anyone down.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the tip lynn. I am a little stuffy this morning but so far so good.
I had a gambling dream last night. Haven’t had one of those in a very long time. I was with my daughter and was looking for someplace to cash in a ticket of some kind. I was telling her we needed to just leave with the money and not play it. Then the cat meowed in my face and woke me up. Still didn’t gamble in the dream. Very strange dream.
I think I am going to try to workout. I have done it for at least two weeks. So hard to get motovated to move but I really need to do it.
Have a lovely Sunday.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

"The hills are alive" well, awake anyways!
Guess I missed you today-I was sleeping soundly until the cat meowed in my face.
Sounds like you had a great time. I am glad for you!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Guys!
Finally feeling a bit better. Took off work again today and I am off tomorrow so that will help.
FWB called to ask how i was. Wow-I am impressed. Would have been better had he called back yesterday and brought me some soup but I can take him or leave him now. Thats some BIG improvement for me. I used to live and die by every word he spoke. It seems he is not importaint to me. That has been an unexpected gift of recovery, an ounce of self esteem, confidence, and less stress. Life is life you know, but it doesn’t defeat me like it used to. Surrender and trusting that my "Higher Power" – "God" – will handle things that used to baffle me has been amazing! Here I have been trying so hard for so many years to control people, places and things only to find that when I let that go I find the soloutions!
I should be headed to sleep but may be up a while yet. I have been sleeping for days and now find myself wide awake!
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hey Larry,
Here’s to the next two years-ODAAT!
Cheers!!
 
 
YSIR,
bettie
 
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So glad I stayed home. Sorry that i have to miss my meeting tonight but I think I am feeling worse! Weak,chest feeling heavy, coughing fits every couple hours. I will ring the doctor back in the morning if I am not feeling better. I may have to go for that x ray after all. It’s warm but I just have the fan going. I think the air makes it worse.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for thinking of me Nancy.
Yes i am on antibiotics. I do work tomorrow but we will see if I go. I need to because I asked for next weekend off. I am glad I stayed home. Just had a coughing fit-not pretty. Glad it didn’t happen at work!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wish I could go back to bed but no rest for the weary.
I’ve been lazy about posting but not too much to talk about when you have not been dooing too much.
Finally went to the doctor about this cough. Bronchitis that has gone on for two weeks. I feel worn out but I am not coughing so that is good.
Debating going to work, I should go but I really should rest. I will make up my mind in the next 30 minutes.
peace
bettie– 8/12/2011 12:24:28 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
Glad you guys like the posts-you know I got them from here on GT.
I think this will be the 3rd and final reading-a classic in my book!
ENOUGH!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always
fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power
and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get
what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN
(But dearly appreciated)
 
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
I think this will be the 2nd reading.
bettie
In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in between place. it’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990
 
 
 

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