[bettie]

Hey Vera, Yes! I have made my goal!
Don’t think I will make much bonus but I got the goal-and thats always my main concern. I get to keep my job for another 6 months!

[bettie]

The party was Sunday but Jen had a special restrurant she wanted to go to today.
I checked the mg on the blood pressure pills this Dr gave me-it’s 4x stronger than the dose I took when my regular doctor had prescribed it. I won’t be taking those but will call my regular guy tomorrow.
Good thing that I stay on top of this stuff!
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole looks like I had just missed you on the community chat.
I saw the lung doctor today. He wants a CAT scan. I reminded him that I had one a few years back and that he needed to go back and find those scans for compairson. He was with a different pratice then. Still coughing but he came up with something I would have never thought of. My blood pressure pill is known to have coughing as a side affect. He is switching mine back to one I used to take-he said acid reflux also presents like this. 2 things I had never thought of. Guess thats why they pay him the Big Bucks! LOL!
Well my little baby girl turned 30 today! OMG! She was 12 when I was 30!
How time flys!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Dawn the funny thing is they look like a cigrette, the end "light’s up" when you puff on it, and the mist looks like smoke when you blow it out. I have heard there are chemicals that are bad in those but the makers claim they are safe. I can’t inhale them-it makes me cough and I don’t like the taste. I have been keeping it in the car-and almost look foward to using it.
I am so stressed right now.
My daughter was to borrow some money from me. She doesn’t need it now-because she "won" some at the casino. She fessed up because when she spent the money she intended she wasn’t ready to go and used the ATM at the casino. I am on her bank account. I didn’t know what to say-I wanted to know but I didn’t want to know. I resent that I can’t gamble and that she can. Does that make sense?
Got up this morning only to find out that my Cousin booked the Florida trip-with out me! I have been baggering her about booking the trip because prices are going up. She wanted to leave from O Hare-I wanted to leave from Midway. I wake this morning to her itinery-and instructions so  can book my own trip. I emailed her back and told her I found her action to be very agressive, and frankly, it showed that she didn’t want me to come along anymore. She emailed me back-what ever gave me that idea?? How could I think that?? She went to all this trouble to find matching flights so we would meet up at the stopover point.
Why am I sitting here thinking I am crazy?
 

[bettie]

Hey guys! Thanks so much! Dawn welcome to the smoke – free train! I know it does get better-like loosing weight I have done this before-for like 5 years-and went back!
I wish I could find the food shutoff switch! I now know why people gain weight-if I can’t smoke it seems that my brain/stomach won’t signal that the meal is done!
I talked to the boss-he did plan to talk to me about the situtation with the schedule. I told him I was looking for someone to kill and he seemed like a fine candidate! lol!
Hey Carole I am using the "fake" e cigrette in the car. I hate the taste so I won’t inhale-besides I heard that there are some chemicals in there too. So I’ll use it as a temp soloution. Suppost to be only menthol-and a vapor mist. Funny because it does have the look and feel of smoking.
Gee I can barely stand the smoke smell in here, need to clean up!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Well day 4 coming to a close.
I was in such a foul mood yesterday- a little better today-but not much.
I will have to explain the ranting email I sent to my boss-I made the mistake of closing one night for him so he snuck me on the schedule to close on wednesday. I told him when I took the keys that I was not avalabe to close. What makes me mad was that he didn’t ask and only by chance did I even notice that he changed the schedule.
He’ll have the keys back tomorrow if he can’t see the error of his ways!
H*ll hath no furry as a woman trying to quit smoking!

[bettie]

My mood is evil and vile, I can barely stand being in the same room with myself.
I am jelious people who can smoke, just like those people who can gamble "normaly".
I want a cigrette!

[bettie]

Well day 2!
Stayed busy busy busy yesterday-out of the condo and with friends who don’t smoke. Got my nails and feet done too-spent my cigrette money on it. I valued my "cigrette money" even more than "my gambling money", my home may have went into forclosure but i had at least 1-2 packs of cigrettes. Talk about screwed up priorties!
The funny part is I keep looking for my smokes. Dringing coffee, going on the PC, driving my car, getting out of bed, all triggers. It will be odd at work today for sure. The one thing though is I have survived gambling urges-and so far nothing conpares to that!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well looks like d-day is here. Just a bit after midnight and I still have 2 smokes left. I’m gonna go flush them, hope the fish in Lake Michigan enjoy them. I can’t put them in the trash because like a voucher fron the casino the temptation to use them will be there unless they are destroyed.
Got a call at work on my cell phone today. My Doctor called. Not his office, not the nurse, the Doctor himself. Miss B I’m calling about your test results. Yikes! That will get your attention and fast! We talked about the white cell count-still up slightly and unchanged, he will foward that to the Blood specialist ( oncologist ) but he was not too concerned about it-the CLL is unchanged and that is good. He said the x-ray still showed the problems I had a number of years ago and suggested a CAT scan. I told him the lung dr had called me and I have an appointment for next week. I asked if there was an urgency about getting the scan and he said no, that that  Dr would most likely want a new one and he would order it.
So thats the update. I feel better-I have been trying not to inhale the cigrettes that I have smoked but I am nervious about stopping smoking. I had a friend call me today just to see how I was feeling as he was concerned. I told him about the dr stuff and he said to me with shock-"You knew about this that long ago and you did nothing about it? You really don’t love yourself". I said at that point in my life I felt like I would be dead by 50, I felt like no one loved me so who cared if I died? I didn’t-thats for sure. But it is different now. I no longer feel like "woke up wishing I was dead today" and in some ways I am so so sorry I named my thread that way. I have thought of changing it but I know how awful I did feel that day-so maybe someone feeling the same way might read my page one and realize that they are not alone because man- I truely thought it was "just me", because I had to be crazy.
No more rambling-off to see my cigrettes "swim with the fishes".
peace
bettie

[bettie]

You folks amaze me.
You know, sometimes I feel like "yesterdays news", with so many newbees hitting the forum. Compelling storys, real pain, sadness, grief. Believe me when I tell you the majority of those that post and read know what you are going through- you are not alone. Just like me, your light in the darkness can be found here.
Look at this GT rally-Carole-who joins me in this new battle for a better life, my oldest buddies-time not age!-Vera, Jules, Laura, Kathryn, Larry, Reds, Female G and The Devil I know-wow-so good to hear from you guys! Missing Me, My Pumkin and my prodigy Lizbeth! Such sweet gals and Gunner-great to see you back posting on GT.
These are just the folks who posted reciently, I can barely fantom the countless others that I know are rooting for me. ( Pp I know you’re out there! )
I feel better today-very little coughing and less chest pain from coughing too. I am ( almost ) looking foward to Thursday. I so want to get back into some kind of workout and loose some of this d*mn weight. I am paying for a Curves membership that I am not using. When I get to feeling better thats first on my list. Just do something! My beautiful fall wardrobe stuffed in bags because my fat cg *ss can’t zip into them anymore! Well, you know, like all CG’s I want me fixed-YESTERDAY- LOL! Not gonna happen that way but it can happen, ODAAT. We have proven that haven’t we?
Got my Zanax RX refilled today. I REFUSE to stress out about what going on. This too I give to God because I am helpless over whats happening but not hopeless. Those of you that pray please continue to do so. Somehow I think God hears us big sinners more-because if we were really saints we would be kind of boring! ( hehe! )
$47 dollars to my goal. I have a loan that closed that should cover that. One less stress to worry about.
Sorry i have not posted to very many of your threads but I plan to make up for that soon.
I love you guys!
bettie– 9/21/2011 12:45:35 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hey guys!
Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers! I took a big step today-I gave away 2 cartons of cigrettes. Here in the US that like a $120 investment! Kind of like throwing money in a slot machine-a big waste! Told my daughter whats up. I cried-not because of the prognosis-because I hated giving away my smokes! The last time I felt that lost was when I decited my 2-3 day a week casino visits had to stop!
Step 1 – I am powerless over smoking. I know that sounds stupid esp if you were never a smoker. But much like gambling this is a big crutch-an escape for me. Something makes me mad at work? Run out for a smoke!
So I have set Thursday as my quit date. I am cutting back but I know cold turkey is best. I am smoking half a cigrette then tossing the rest.
Gotta start somewhere. Had a coughing fit today-it was ugly! I won’t miss that at all!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Got a call frome the doctors office. Not my regular doctor-the lung specalist I saw a few years back. Seems my pcp sent him a copy of my x-ray from August and he wants to see me and talk about it. This can’t be good but necessary. I stayed home from work today-feeling tired and weak. Slept 2 hours and went for the followup x-ray and more bloodwork.
Just like my gambling I don’t want to tell my brother but he is concerned. I don’t want to alarm him prematurerly. I know he is concerned about cancer, having just lost his best friend to it in June. But I am missing symptoms for that-no weight loss, not coughing up blood, everything has been clear. I’m scared to be quite honest. I will be sticking close to this site and my sponser. Fear and grief can make us do stupid things. Don’t need to ad to that list.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

I’m just a bit p*ssed at myself. I went through a cancer scare 11 years ago-had my lung scoped 2x and was cleared by the lung specalist 3 years ago. Now this. How stupid am I? I think it was all part of my "death wish"-smoking, drinking, eating , compulsive gambling. I assumed I would be dead by 50. When I lost the weight ( that I am now gaining back) and stopped drinking so much and started recovery I thought well, maybe I’ll make it. I have to straighten up, make a plan, do the right things. I think once whatever infection I have going on right now clears and I’m not so tired I will have a clear head to think this out.
I need to quit Carole, more so now than ever before. I have 2 and 1/2 cartons of cigrettes -a little less than a month’s worth so I can start planning to stop. Kind of like using up all your comps-lol-before stopping gambling.
The inhaler has helped quite a bit. Very little coughing today. Maybe a full nights sleep-that would be good!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well, I kinda heard what I half way expected at the doctors office. He suspects i have emphysema. He also was not pleased with my x-ray and said I very well could have a bit of pneumonia. I have a rescue inhailer and a new course of antibionics. My allergies are causing my eyes to water and in general I am a mess. I have no one to blame but myself.
(Oh and I’m up about another 3 pounds too)
What am I going to do with me?
discusted
bettie

[bettie]

I’m telling you Carole, God is very very good! I’m down to about $100 to go to my goal-I might even make a few buck just in time for Christmas. ( We get paid out in December)
Doctor appointment tomorrow morning. I wonder what he will tell me, besides quit smoking! I smoked outside 4 times today-and I had 4 customers ask when I was going to quit! One said stop we need you! One said I thought u quit! One said I saw you sneeking back there-u gotta give it up! All i could say was I know I know. Well, I do know-so why don’t I stop?
Cousin stopping by for a late visit. Guess she will spend the night. She’s the one I am going to Florida with. Can’t wait!
peace
bettie
 

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