[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Caron you said just the right thing at just the right time. Thank you, and everyone else who posted. As supected mother nature has taken care of most of my mood but this was an exceptionally low swing. I have tried hormone therapy-so instead of 5-7 unbearable days i had like 30-lol! All kidding aside I even scared myself this time. I will try to call my Dr tomorrow and see what she has to say.
progress not perfection
bettie– 11/29/2011 1:22:31 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your responses and advice.
It’s just one of those pitty party days, where I feel so worthless and hopeless and lonely. It’s hormones and dark skys and rain. It will pass I just haven’t had a spell like this is quite a while. Much like a gambling hangover I don’t miss it much either.
Looking inward is quite frightening Vera-today is just one of those days where I feel empty and without purpose.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Carole as I posted on your thread you re perfectly correct. Me, on the other hand, am perfectly insane. No new news there.
I’m sitting around with nothing to do.I pulled out my recovery work sheets, step 3. I am confused. I have been holding back info from my sponser. I do believe she thinks the fwb is out of my life and has been for a long time. I never said he was, she made the assumpion and I never corrected her. Now why would I do that? Easy. Because I would have to face the truth. It’s one of those "if you really knew me you would not like me" moments. Not sure how I will aproach this with her but I have a real need to. I find myself with many thoughts of gambling, smoking and eating. My exclusion at the native casino has expired and I could apply for readmission or do the right thing-and re up the ban for another 2 years. I am in danger and I know it. It’s the d*mn feeling sorry for self and not being truthful thats gotten me into the shape I’m in. I am depressed about the weight, I know thats part of it too. I am a mess mess mess mess! 
The holidays are here and yet another year I have no one special to share things with. I’m in that funk-the one where you put on the happy face-while you just die on the inside-wanting to know why you are and have always been so different than the rest of the world. Sometimes I think I’ll do something differently the next time but there is no next time. This is it! I feel cheated.
I was going to decorate today but had 2nd thoughts. It’s a lot of work for no one to really see. I will put up the tree and hang the stockings. I was reading Jaysons thread and he mentioned a special stocking. Jen’s stocking was made by my dad. She was the oldest grandchild and the only one who has one made by grandpa. My dad taught her to drive. I remember warning him that she was not a good driver and to keep a close eye on her. He told me to shut up, she’ll do fine. When they got back I asked him how she did. "Fine, she did just fine." Years later she confessed she almost put the car in a ditch taking a corner. Thats a special grandpa-the one who doesn’t rat you out to your mom.
I think I’m a bit pms-sorry for the ramble!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

In this life one should know who their friends are. On this Thanksgiving Day (US) I’ve had 5 hours sleep after having been stood up by the FWB. Went to sleep crying and woke up feeling the same way but u know what? I am greatful because I am finally getting it in my thick head that people can only treat you like cr*p if you let them. I deserve better, and I told him so in an angry text at 2am. That may not sound like much but it is a GIANT step for me, someone with the self esteem of an ant. There is no room in my life to let some one better come along as long as I keep holding on to this  co dependent degrading relationship. I’m tired of being an afterthought. If I asked someone to color and cut my hair, free of charge of course, and they thought enough of me to bake me a treat and were expecting me I doubt I would have started drinking with my buddy and called and lied, "No, I’m still coming over" when in reality the drinking was more fun and importaint than the stupid idiot who’s trying to buy my affection. ( he owes me money too-I thought I had a handle on this co dependent behaviour-but as u can see I was wrong!)
Stick a fork in this turkey- I am done!
I really want a cigrette, I even considered going out at 2am to buy some but didn’t want the store clerk to see my red puffy eyes. Like the casino thoughts I had last night this craving should pass but still thinking I will smoke with my sister today. How stupid is that? I am also thinking about the Thanksgivings that my daughter and I drove from my Mom’s to the "boat". I miss that but again, that was in my pre CG days. No painful memories there. If I did that today it would truely be a disaster, and the new memory would be a nightmare.
So where are all my thankful things today?
My health scares-so far just scary.
My job, I have one.
My family-they make me seem less crazy!
My REAL friends-quality is better than quanity!
The roof over my head and the pets that share it with me. True unconditional love is a wonderful thing!
For all the wonderful recovery people who help me everyday. My sponser, GT, SH-just to name a few.
Of course, for all of you!
peace
bettie
 
 

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Just sitting here waiting for my friend who was suposted to be here hours ago so I could do their hair. I am a bit frustrated, as I feel taken for granted. Had a situtation at work that was similar-must be something in the air.
I know you had not banned at the casino but might I suggest it? When these wild hair thoughts come to my mind I remember that I am banned and that thought holds me until common sence comes back and the thought of gambling leaves.
As I count my Thanksgiving blessings I count our friendship and mutual support high on the list.
Thank you, my friend!
peace
bettie
ps the pumpkins pies are especialy good this year!

[bettie]

Hey V!
No luck involved, just lots of prayers and asking God to take my work stress away.
I will only make my goal if it’s Gods will, so I just have to have faith and let it go. The bank regional manager said they were lowering the goal for the 4th quarter which I thought ment mine would be lower however they meant the branch goal, not the indiviual ones!
It’s all good-I have some serenity!
peace
bettie– 11/22/2011 3:28:50 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Thanks Carole,
Well I tried to do something to cheer myself up today. I cut my hair. Not a trim,  a cut! At least 6 inches off the back. I have been thinking about cutting it all off for a while and I thought today was as good as any. I got an inverted bob, the ladies will know what that is.
Got my nails done too.
Back to work tomorrow, the time really flew!
peace
bettie 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole, i am just starting step 3, but i should be moving that along. I did a lot of recovery work on my vacation, i just didn’t realize it.
For those of you I didn’t see in the chat today I had a real crisis of self loathing during and after the wedding ceremony.
I sat with the grooms family-his Mom, Dad and 2 Aunts, my cousins. It dawned on me that I was going to be in many photos. (For those of you that don’t know the "fwb" is a photographer that I have known for 4 years and he has NO photos of me.)
I am totally uncomfortable in photos. I have such a bad self image. I think that I look ok-very good in fact-but the real problem with pictures is that they don’t lie-and seeing a bad pitcure of myself is enough to send me into a real depression. I could not move to a different seat. After the ceremony they were taking a million photos. They asked me to join my cousin with the bride and groom. I did so to make them happy. They took like 3 or 4, which tells me they must have been bad. Ok I did it, I went back to my seat.
After waiting for a bunch more photo taking I was warm and not feeling well. They decited that they wanted one more shot of everyone left in the church. I had had enough. I said no, and I went out the door. I went down the path and sat on a bench, waiting to go to the reception. About 5 minutes later everyone exited the chapel. My cousin (grooms mom) came up to me, angry, telling me how I had scared her by leaving. (she is a nurse) I told her I had said I didn’t want to be in any more pictures and had said so. I didn’t want to make a fuss and as I felt a panic attack coming on so I did what I thought was best. She didn’t like my explanation and was snotty to me the rest of the day.
Her sister, the cousin I traveled with, asked me the same question. I got to hear about it at the reception, at that point I was really upset. Everywhere I turned there were more photos being taken. They were taking pictures as we got food, taking pictures of people dancing, there was a do it yourself photo booth that my cousins tried to get me get me to join them in.
The next day we went to see the bride and groom and it was brought up again, this time by the bride. (She is a mental health Dr by the way!) Cousin Bettie why didn’t you want to be in our pictures? Why did you leave? I told her I really didn’t want to have a panic attack in her wedding chapel and I thought I was doing her a favor.
My cousin mentioned it yet again when we were on the plane. "XXXXXXX was so cute asking "where did cousin bettie go" when you left the chapel." We were in the plane, taking off to go home. I turned my head away from her and felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and didn’t respond to her. I felt like a total *ss!
I know from the recovery work that I have done that this is my addiction working on me, underminding the success I have had, fighting to get out.
I am so discouraged by my weight gain. This is the point where I usually go back to smoking. Smoking is not an option, not if I want to live. I got an order from the doctor for an ultrasound of my heart, due to the plack buildup found on the Ct scan.
I know I have to be kinder to myself, I just don’t know how.
Today I can see myself gambling over all of this but like smoking, Gambling is not an option.
peace
bettie– 11/19/2011 4:31:59 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Gee Carole, You said a mouthful!
Yes, I did have some fun on my vacation. I also got some big insite into the mental illness that runs in my family. I have spent alot of time with my cousin over the years. Much like my mother she is fine in small doses. I had no idea that she also has control issues. Anything that wasn’t just to her liking was unacceptable, statements like " I will NOT be rushed" as she made me and her sister wait 1 & 1/2 hours for her to get ready to go do something that she wanted to do, were common. I took note how her sister dealt with her-she went along with what ever it was she wanted to do and in her time frame-avoid the problem and it will go away.
Oh well I could go on and on. I will be spending a lot of time hashing this out with my sponser, lol!
I did feel very special when flying into Chicago last night. I have forgotten just how beautiful the lights of the city are, and how fortunate I am to have the chance to do and see so many things that many people only dream of.
My cats really missed me.
peace
bettie
 — 11/17/2011 8:37:02 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

I have arrived. Quite the adventure so far. My cousin insists on doing the driving and I was correcting her before we got out of the airport parking lot! LOL! She was flying down the road, yacking away and I was like, Hey-slow down than’s curve! I swear she would have driven right off the road had I not said something. The next major driving error was a left turn into head on traffic! She claims she knew to swing out but trust me-she didn’t!
God, grant me the serenity……
peace
bettie
( I’m driving today! lol! )

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
3 days and off to Florida! Now I am getting excited. Can’t wait to get away from work.
Trying to get inspired to work out. I got on the scale-even after working out this week-I haven’t lost an ounce. I think thats the most frustrating thing for me. I feel like I should have lost weight yet I have not. I gained like 8 pounds in a week last month and I can’t manage to loose 1 lousy pound when I am making an effort to do so. Ok, I’m not on some big diet or anything but gee-am I asking too much? I mean why can’t I be "normal" on some level? I guess given the chance that’s what I would ask God-there has to be a reason why my life has to always lean toward the "hard way". Maybe I have some built in radar the puts up the blinders and seeks the rough road. I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t get it. Am I asking too much? I can’t seem so surrender this-left to my own device I try to "give up" but wind up "giving in". I would do nothing but eat junk all day and never get out of the chair given a choise. Kind of pitiful I guess, but true none the less.
I have been a bit depressed this week, hormones I suspect. My "friend" canceled plans with me this week. Seems an old friend contacted him and that was more importaint than seeing me. I didn’t take that too well. When do I become importaint enough for him to break plans with someone else to spend time with me? I can answer my own question-never-because I mean nothing to him. And the best part is I still don’t want to stop seeing him-why?-because I don’t want to be alone. Thats a big joke-because I couldn’t be more alone if I tried.
I really need some time away!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
guess I have been reading and not posting.
I had the mamo today-had an untrasound too. All is good! I have an oily cist-never heard of such a thing-but nothing to worry about. Thanks to you all for your prayers and support. Will have another CT in April for the lung.
Still not smoking-thats a plus. Where is all that extra money I should have now? LOL! I always seem to spend it as fast or faster than I make it.
I have mannaged 3 decient workouts this week, thats a start. I haven’t recovered from the Halloween candy yet but I am a work in progress.
Random gambling thoughts and dreams lately. Must fess up to a really stupid thing I did. I looked at some online casino games on a "social network". I got out fast! The look, the sounds, the "feel"-way too close to the real thing. As GA says " Don’t test or tempt yourself". No truer words ever written. I felt like I had gambled-and some hardliners would say I did-but thats as close as I ever hope to get to it again.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
You teach me new stuff all the time. I had no idea how to  get to the stored threads. Like you I would like to send out an SOS to some of the "old timers" we rarely see anymore. A few come right to mind, Colin. Cully, Salina, Kin, Tim-just to name a few.
You are a thoughtful friend Larry.
Thanks!
bettie
ps How about those Cardinals?
 — 10/30/2011 12:39:02 PM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Ok Kathryn,
I do feel all gooey-because I have eaten so much food today I am almost in a food coma! I promised myself Monday is the day! I feel so bloated and sick. We had a catered lunchon at work-sole food-OMG! It was SO GOOD! Fried and grilled chicken, fried fish, seasoned to perfection. Greens, corn bread, rolls, candied sweet potatos, string beans w/potatos, baked macaroni and cheese, sage dressing w/jalpanos, don’t forget the gravy. Almost forgot the German Chocolate Cake. MMMMmmmmmm!!!!!!
If I have gained this week at least it’s because I ate, and ate well! The Florida trip is in less than two weeks. Seems it snuck right up on me.
As for the marrage comment, Vera that was the FWB. Who else in this world can make me feel like a piece of cr*p?
He has asked me that before but he is very insentitave to my feelings. In his defense I think, in retrospect, it’s more of a curious question on his part, because he knows what a nice person I am, and doesn’t understand why I never found anyone. I am the one who thinks no one wanted me. Truth be told I disliked myself so much I did everything in my power to make myself undesirable.  wow-light bulb moment!
Thank you my lovely friends, I know u love me!
What would I do without you??
bettie
speaking of little bundles-my niece is making me a Great Aunt again! Look how long we have been together on the forum-I was only a regular Aunt when I got here.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Larry thanks as always for the thought provoking post. Always exciting to look at a post and see your "trade mark" orignally posted by xxxxxx. Yes the candy is gone. I will buy something on Sunday to leave by my door. Don’t think I have had a Trick or Treater up here in years-but I leave something out "just in case". I remember the frustration when I was a kid and no one answered a door. Love the art work!
Motovatation. There’s a big word. I have none when it comes to working on the next big thing-me. Seems like I always gear up for the Holidays by being "on a diet". I skipped that last year with poor results. On the other hand I am tired of beating myself up over my eating too. I was talking to my friend last night. He asked if I was trying to kill myself with food. I told him that made sense to me. I think more than anything else I am putting the "fat wall" back up around me. In my mind if I am unaproachable then "you can’t hurt me." This illiness just manifestests itself in so many ways. Some days I feel like I got this licked-some days I feel like "who am I trying to kid?"
Talked to my sponser last night. I think I have really put my step work on the back burner. Time to get back on track but frankly, I don’t want to do this. I think I am going through one on those moody stages. My friend asked me why I never remarried. That question always hurts. " Because no one wanted me" is the answer that pops in my head. I guess when you have such low self esteem it just permeates the air and everyone picks up on in.
bettie

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