[bettie]

Originally posted by paul315

Bettie, as you know one of the charistics of a compulsive gambler is found in the GA combo book, "there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconsciously want to lose to punish themselves", another charismatic of a CG is "INABILITY AND UNWILLINGNESS TO ACCEPT REALITY. Hence the escape into the dream world of gambling".
"you can not separate doing good at staying gambling free and doing good at living,  gambling will more than likely win out if the field is divided." 
You know Larry you don’t have to be so right! It’s funny, I read those words every week and they go right over my head. Whenever I read "Inability and Unwillingness to accept reality" i never understood how that applied to MY life. I guess that begs the next question, how does one become able and willing to accept reality? I find reality so painful it is unbearable, hence the "escape".
I have tried to seperate my gamble-free life from the drama filled secret life I still live. I see now what a big mistake that has been, even though it’s not been a secret here. I have tried to be as truthful as possible here, to do less would be pointless.
I feel fragmentated, like I have 2 or 3 split personalities. Sometimes I have no clew who’s showing up to run the show for the day.
Don’t know if anyone might remember the story about the lady who "faith healed" my ankle a while back. She has been a frequent visitor to my cubical at work. On NYE she came to me with a serious look on her face and a gift in her hand. She gave me an angel and said she was told to do so. I can’t help but wonder about that one.
Carole thanks so much for your call. I am feeling so isolated and really have no "live" person to talk to about this. I have yet to figure out what to say to my sponser. I’m off tomorrow and there is a ladies only GA meeting I can go to. That might be a good way to "fess up".
Caron, thanks for your words. I’m feeling much like a hipocrate but rest assured I have not given up on recovery, just hit a pot hole and blew out a tire!
Guess the reasonable "bettie" showed up to run the show today.
bettie

[bettie]

I risked it all.
I risked my sanity.
I risked going to jail.
I risked my financial stability.
I risked my life.
I’ve spent two months complaining and crying about my "relationship", the lonely days when my phone didn’t ring-not even once-feeling like no one cared if I was alive or dead. It has been a stressful couple months-and I had an opportunity to clean the slate with this man-tell him I was done and not to call me again. Did I do it? Of course not. Why? I am sick. I really need medical attention. I can’t blame him anymore for my own self loathing. I do it to myself.
If not for the Grace of God I wouldn’t be here to type this message. I had more than a couple drinks and I was in a blind fit of rage when I left the casino. The roads were slick to boot. I think this falls under the answer to Question 20, and the answer is yes. The funny part is I laughed as I shoved that first bill in the machine. I asked myself if it was worth it. I told myself it really didn’t matter, because I really didn’t matter. If you really knew me you would not like me.
I don’t know what I will tell my sponser, or if she will continue to sponser me.
I only stayed at the casino a short time. I didn’t loose any money, but in no way do I believe for one second that I could "safely" gamble.
I think I need to address my binge drinking.
To answer your question Larry I do believe I found what I was looking for. I wanted to punish myself, and I did it very well.

[bettie]

Where do I even start this post. Bettie here, compulsive gambler, ldg 1-1-2012.
Kind of says it all I guess.
I’ve spent the last 48 hours in my pj’s, almost paralyzed with grief.
I have to get ready for work and plaster that fake smile on my face and get on with it.
— 1/3/2012 1:28:03 PM: post edited by bettie.– 1/4/2012 12:19:19 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Salina i’m on, where are u??
 

[bettie]

Hi Vera,
I’ll give you ODAAT.
Happy New Year!
peace
bettie 

[bettie]

Hi Hope,
Happy New Year my buddy!
4 more hours of 2011 left here. In some ways I won’t miss this year at all.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

December 31, 2011
"Affirming the Good"
  Fun becomes fun, love becomes love, life becomes worth living. And we become grateful. – Beyond Codependency
 Wait , and expect good things-for yourself and for your loved ones.
When you wonder what is coming, tell yourself the best is coming, the very best life and love have to offer, the best God and His universe have to send. Then open your hands and receive it. Claim it, and it is yours.
See the best in your mind;envision what it will look like,what it will feel like. Focus,until you can see it clearly. Let your whole being, body and soul, enter into and hold onto the image for a moment.
Then, let it go. Come back into today, the present moment. Do not obsess. Do not become fearful. Become excited. Live today fully, expressing gratitude for all you have been, all you are, and all you will become.
Wait, and expect good things.
  Today,when I think about the year ahead, I will focus on the good that is coming.- from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
love,
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hey Kathryn!
How is 2012 so far?
Got to get to work, guess I will know in 16 hours or so!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the hugs Hope-cyber ones are all good!
I did go to another meeting-it ran a bit different from my regular one but was interesting none the less.
Jim I have read everything I could get my hands on about compulsive gambling. The majority of cg’s are highly intelligent. We (most not all) also suffer self esteem issues, are co dependent, have a disorder that is considered OCD. ( Chatted with a cg once who told a therapist she was a compulsive gambler-and was asked how many times a day she washed her hands! Guess they heard "compulsive" and just ran with it! ) We also tend to be people pleasers-guilty as charged-and try to avoid conflict. I get that because I think that was part of why I spent so much time at the casino-running from and avoiding life at all cost! Oh yea, and we are "thin skinned"- always worried about what others think. Maybe that comes from the guilt we carry for the "bad" things we have done? Just a thought.
Laura when the stars align I swear we will chat again! I seem to be just missing u quite a bit.
Caron I worked out and ate well today until I got home and baked more cookies for my meeting tomorrow! I think I ate 5/w 2 glasses of milk!
Oh well good pratice for the new year I guess!
BTW- Happy New Year everyone! Praying for Peace and Serenity for us all in 2012!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes I had a lovely Christmas. I have worked the last two days and look foward to being off tomorrow. I am glad that I didn’t get crazy decorating this year because I sure am looking foward to taking everything down.
I was thinking about an additional GA meeting tonight but went shopping instead. I had a gift card and a return to make. Got a sweater set but I feel sloppy in it. I know the cure for that-but I need to get off the chair and move my feet, and stay out of the kitchen.
I am feeling lonely and another meeting will give me a chance to meet new people.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Happy Boxing Day!
Today is the federal "holiday" so I am off.
Got an ultrasound done on my heart today. Seems to me that the scan was of my belly-but I would guess they know where to look! lol!
Doing laundry. Gave away all cookies and cakes and have just 1 unopened box of chocolates here. Saving those in case someone shows with an unexpected gift. I find not having treats around keeps them from becoming more weight for me to loose later. Trying to tell myself the the house cleaning is the same as a workout. It’s not quite the same but will have to do for now.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Wow, Christmas Eve already-but I guess it’s Christmas Day already for some of you.
I have to work till 1pm, then off to my brothers. We will spend the late afternoon/evening  there.
Feeling better about things. Had a long talk with the "fwb". We talked about a lot of things. Maybe I have opened his eyes a bit. maybe he’ll choose to change things that need changing for himself. Thats on him, as I am responsible for me. ( and no Vera-he’s not back ). I’ve stood up for myself and grown a bit in the process. All in all not a bad thing, just that lessons sometimes come with lots of tears. I managed a crisis and I didn’t gamble. Anything is possible!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
To answer your question, the egg came first. Why? Because chickens evolved from reptiles so some poor mother lizzard has some explaining when poppa lizzard asked "Who’s the daddy"?
Merry Christmas!
love,
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks my lovelys!
I am up early-I should still be sleeping but I have a few things I want to do.
Going to lunch with my GF today, she is the only one around here who knows about the "fwb"situtation. I chatted with Lee tuesday, he said it was a hard thing to go through, especally around the holidays. In the 4 years I have known this guy I have been lonely every holiday, as his other obligations were always more importaint than spending any time with me. I brought him holidays treats, which I had to drop off a block away from his place so no one would see me do it, get a quick thanks, then he was on his way.
Never settle for being someone’s "dirty little secret"
I guess I won’t be missing out on too much after all.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well he stopped in at my work today. I was shocked to see him when I went to take the next customer.
He told me his problem. I took care of him, as I would any customer. He looked so sad. I thought this man was not capable of human feelings so I was suprised to see the same dark circles under his eyes that matched mine!
I went to lunch after he left and i broke down and cried. I keep breaking into tears at the oddest times. I just have to keep reminding myself, I can’t make him love me. It doesn’t matter how thin I get or what I do for him, he doesn’t love me.
Just wish the pain would stop.
bettie

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