[bettie]

Hey Carole,
No snakes here either!!
I bit the bullet-I bought a new car. I got an OK deal-not alot for the trade but it’s allright. The car stalled on me yesterday and again today. Whatever problem is next won’t be my problem- I just have to make the payment. I figure you only live once and d*mn it I deserve it and be sides, I am a CG- I can rationalize anything! lol!
I should get the new car Saturday and then off to see "Elvis". It’s a Cheverolet Cruze if you want to look it up. So Carole now you get a first class ride when you come to Chicago.
Fun Fun Fun!!!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Well things are looking up. I mannaged 3 workouts so far this week and had somewhat "normal" readings today. It’s still a pain but it will get better. Come join me Vera.
As much as it will be tough affording it I got pre approved for a car loan. Still debating what i will do however God is Good! 2 years ago my car was almost repossessed and now I can get a new loan without a co signer! Here’s proof that there are benefits to NOT GAMBLING.
Carole I am going to go see "Elvis"- young and old-it’s a dinner show my gf bought tickets for for my birthday. Wow, had to believe another year has passed. 49, doesn’t seem right, I sure don’t feel 49, on my best days I still feel like I am a little kid.
Laura I am debating taking my TV back. The speaker has a hissing sound! I do enjoy the picture and the funiture does make it look a bit different in here.
Bed time already!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
I had a wonder thought provoking post that went into cyberspace!
Just a quick check in.
Not feeling great, trying to get adjusted to the 4x daily insulin injection. I went to dinner with Jen and broke down in tears at the table, snotty watress, slow service and trying to figure out when I should run to the bathroom and take a shot. I feel like I failed yet again-I gained this weight-and now I have to pay the piper. I guess this is a common reaction but I sure hate it.
bettie

[bettie]

Guess it’s time for an update!
Well the funiture, couch and 2 chairs, are nice. I will buy some new stuff someday but this is nicer than what I had but I miss my recliner!
I don’t know what to do about my GA friend. I should reach out but I am determined I will not take blame for their feelings. In my co dependent past I would have been calling and begging for forgiveness even if I had done nothing wrong. That was then – this is now.
Went to my Dr today. After 12 years of being diabetic I guess I will finally feel like one. I will be taking shots 4 times a day and testing 4 times a day too. I have tried to avoid this but it’s finally here. I shed a few tears about it but it’s better than how my dad had it. Insulin in these injector pens can be left at room tempeture so I have that advantage. I really hate this!
Talked to my sister today. She said my brothers Dr said he has an OCD. I told her it runs in familys. We have a really cr*ppy gene pool, thats for sure!
Looks like I may need to buy a new car-long story short-mine is just not reliable anymore. Just back out of the shop again. It will be nice to have a new car but it will be a strain on the budget. I remember buying my current car in Feb 2006 and thinking I would need to cut back on my gambling since I had a car payment to make. On Feb 22nd, 2010, when I first found GT my car was on the verge of being repossessed. It takes time but my how things have changed. Not gambling is a good thing!
Thanks for everything for the last 2 years GT! I dare not think where I would be right now if I had not found you all here!!
much love
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well here’s one for the guys! I bought myself a 42" LCD TV today, and for the ladies, I am waiting for a funiture delivery. I spent what is my first tax refund in about 4 years. Not so long ago that would have ment a couple days gambling but not today! The funiture is from a hotel resale shop. Not a major investment but something to brighten the place up.
I am in need of a change!
I went to my meeting last night. My heart wasn’t in it but I did get a warm reception from a couple people. The one person I would have liked to talk to couldn’t leave after the meeting fast enough. I think my gambling really bothers her. I have to remember that I can’t control people, places or things. If this friendship is lost then it wasn’t much of a friendship anyways. I am not responsible for how someone else feels. They have a right to feel however they feel, and so do I.
Well I am excited about something for a change. Hurry up funiture guys~~!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
L2G, I loved that and still do.
Fresh off the chat. Ken L asked where I was in my recovery right now. I’m stuck, right in the middle. Desisions to make, people to address things with. I just need to do it and get un-stuck!
In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in between place. it’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990
 
 
peace
bettie
 
 
 
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Velvet mentioned this in her post so I thought I would pull it up again.
As Always, Marilee-thank you! You have given a voice to so many cg’s! You have touched so many lives!
Hi Guys,
Just working on some readings for my pinning. I found this early in my GT days and it means alot to me. It helped me understand myself a bit better.
   
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Is it Wednesday already?
Time flys when you are busy working.
Still no smoking or gambling. I really wanted to stop for smokes but I kept driving. Even the drug stores here sell the d*mn things.
Not much to say.
Calm is ok.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well Reds we could have snow-it did sleet last year but it could be springlike too-no telling!
99 stairs? there was a time, not so long ago, I could have done that. I can barely make the 21 up to my 3rd floor condo. I am really mad my cell phone is in the car! I have to make the trip back up at least one more time tonight!
Ate like a p i g! today! No smoking. The thought is there but the urge is not. It will go away-I just have to keep reminding myself.
So Sad, watching Whitney Houston stuff. I remember my friend who passed on Fathers Day talking about her once, saying how people ridiculed her style, saying she manipulated (sp) her voice and now look- a whole new pop singing style based on her. Maybe she is singing right now, at peace with her addiction at last.
bettie

[bettie]

Didn’t go buy smokes last night-score one for me!
Did my big Sunday Breakfast. It’s will be ok as long as I don’t follow it with a big Sunday lunch and supper, and a day filled with snacks.
Can’t even call this baby steps-guess you need to crawl before you can walk! God does seem to have a way of knocking the knees out from under me!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Wow-so nice to see your posts today.
Sitting here in the cold trying to convince myself that smoking is a habit that I have re-taught myself, thats all. I do not want to go out and buy more cigrettes. maybe I can make this a "slip" and not a total relaspe. Just like I really don’t want to gamble, I really don’t want to smoke either. I don’t want to tell my family I am smoking. The worse part is I will isolate from them, cut family outings short or just refuse to go-so I can smoke. I did that FOR YEARS! I couldn’t bear the thought of not smoking for 2 days and missed out on camping trips. It’s the same thing people do when they are gambling.
I ate and ate today. My co workers mil made homemade tamales-omg-i bought a dozen and ate ten. That was lunch and dinner but none the less- i could explode!
I didn’t make my meeting – we had ice on the roads. I will be told I am making excuses . At least they are honest and true. It is what it is.
Velvet we meet on the 12th of April. I wish you were joining us! I don’t know how to be anything but hard on myself. Guess that method doesn’t work.
Reds, Carole-go see "The Vow". It is a love story. It was good, But the reason I would like u to see it is because it’s filmed in Chicago. Maybe you will get an idea of something you might want to go see when you’re here. Please don’t worry about wardrobe. When we meet you will know why! lol! This is a blue jean affair.
Such a shame about Whitney Houston! An example of  what addiction, any addiction will do. It robs us of our health, talent, time and truely our lives.
RG always a pleasure to see your name in a post. Laura I think I will sleep in a bit tomorrow so I might be on the chat 7:30-8 am. Thats about 1 hour later than usual for me. I always love to see you.
Vera, thats 1:30-2 pm your time. Kathryn I have no idea but I think it’s too late for you!
Hope, where are u?
peace
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks Carole. I’m ok. Trying not to beat myself up about things, I keep dweling on the things I worked hard for, but somehow, I just didn’t work hard enough.
I am enjoying a smoke as I type. I bought some when I gambled last and it seemed like something I could "handle" – lol!
I gained all this weight for nothing, chalk up another one for my compulsive behaviours.
I keep thinking about Jen’s baby-I was in hush hush mode, not really "feeling" like I could be a Grandma. I was right. Sometimes it really sucks to be right.
I have no desire to communicate with my sponser. If I call her I will get the lecture how it is my responsibility to stay in contact. I want to tell her she’s off the hook. I sound like an ungrateful brat but I really have learned so much from her and I don’t want to dwell on what didn’t work. Everythings my fault, I accept that. I tried my way and it didn’t work. I thought I was trying the GA steps but i somehow managed to screw those up and wound up with 16 months of abnanstance, not recovery.
Carole the thought of you, reds and Larry coming for the mini conference is the only thing that is holding my recovery – if I can even call it that- together.
I don’t know how to start over. It’s not like it’s just one little thing, it’s everything. I feel like I am stuck in netural.
I need to do the next right thing. I will force myself to go to GA tomorrow. My heart is not in it, but my butt will be there anyways.
On a lighter note…
Things are going well at work. I decited that instead of watching other gals get flowers for Valentine’s Day I would insure I would not be left out for a change. I sent my self 20 tulips. Is that the strangest thing you have ever heard? I guess I have a love-hate relationship with myself and I have put in enough time on the hate part. Time to work on the love.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Alice nice to see u posting! Funny how our addiction blocks out what it doesn’t want to hear.
My niece will be having a girl , her 2nd. Poor Jen, she called me last night, wanted to know if she would be having a shower for the new baby. I told her most likely, as people no longer just give stuff for the first baby. She started crying-"Mom I just don’t know how I could go to it, knowing my baby would have been the same age." I told her not to worry, everyone would understand what ever she decided to do.
I will see my niece tomorrow-first time since Jen lost hers. I thought it would be hard, and now I feel really sad about it, knowing how Jen feels. I know it’s not my fault but somehow I feel like it’s part of my bad karma.
Silly i know.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Funny how things change. When I was at my brothers house he told me about a conversation he had just had with my mom. I have a cousin who is a "professional" poker player. He is a Mensa member (genuis) so maybe he has a edge? (Doubtful, when you have to rely on the turn of a card!) Well I guess he won a tournment, a big pot. Instead of getting excited about his "win" I said out loud "Gee, wonder what it really cost him to win it?"  Even my brother, who doesn’t know about my "problem" said it was funny how gamblers never talked about their losses. I chuckled to myself-no truer words ever spoken-because as gamblers it is just our "cost of doing business". What a cost! Financial, emotional, physical. Insanity? You can say that again. We keep chasing and chasing our losses, making them multiply in leaps and bounds.
Few behaviours are more insane than that.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Great Carole!
I got a gratitute journal at my pinning. Still on the shelf! Blank!
Maybe i need to take it out and write in it!
bettie
 

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