[bettie]

Hi All,
You guys really are thoughtful, compassionate and kind, some of the highest qualities of mankind.
I did have a nice day today. The church service had it’s moment. I didn’t care too much for the preacher condeming the Jewish faith. I was raised to believe that part of being a Christian was not condemming other faiths. Just my thoughts. The people were all very nice and I was told by one of the co-preachers that he was praying for me. I like that, and I thanked him for it. I was a bit suprised that the lady who invited me also invited someone else to lunch with us at the last minute. I had planned to open up to her about what has been going on but I didn’t want the other person there so that took care of that. We had a nice lunch and spent a couple hours in her hot tub and sitting talking in the yard. Odd to be in swim suits in Chicago in March, but that was nice too.
I am trying to figure what to do and where to start my recovery journey again. I guess I never really stopped my recovery, I just stopped working at it. After the Jan 1st slip I didn’t think I needed to go back to step one but I guess I do. I can’t believe the thoughts the addictive voice in my head tells me. I’m at that " just one last gamble" faze. How stupid is that? I choose to ignore that thought. There will never be a time that I can safely gamble.
Some truths have stuck in my mind. I am grateful for that.
bettie– 3/26/2012 3:12:55 AM: post edited by bettie.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for posting to my thread.
Hope I am sorry so you don’t need to be. I am responsible for my own actions and I wish I could control how I feel. That in its self may be the real problem. I have to stop trying to escape my feelings and confront myself head on. I have no control over people places and things. I can not make people love me and respect me when I don’t love and respect myself. Somewhere along the road I have forgotten that.
Surrender. I guess I will keep working my step 1 here. It sure did feel better when I did. I am tired of longing for what I once had. As ugly as I felt in the past doesn’t even come close to the ugly I feel now.
Well I need to get ready for Church. Maybe God can talk some sense into me.
I love u guys!!
bettie

[bettie]

No Hope, you are on the mark.
I am putting into print what I am too ashamed to admit out loud. I am in denial. I accepted scratch off’s and of course didn’t "win". But we all know as a CG there is never a "win". I have been to the casino too. I had not planned to post about it but, if I am ever to find the motovatation to rediscover recovery I need to be honest with myself. Gambling is not an option IF I want a normal happy life. I can continue to try to decieve myself, in fact I am very good at that. I know the end result will be a disaster.
I know my triggers, I tried to work through the steps but didn’t try hard enough. I am falling back into old bad habits and old bad patterns of thinking. I once felt like I would not make it to my 50th birthday. With the health issues, relationship issues, and just plain feeling sorry for myself I am afraid I now feel that way again. If I don’t start making some positive changes (again) I am doomed. Sometimes I feel like it’s too late for me. And the really sad part? I am starting to feel OK about it.
Regret, shame, guilt, worthlessness. I am sick of all those feelings. I surender!
Maybe I’m finding step one all over again. I can not go on like this and expect to survive.
Life is to be lived, not just endured!
"God, Grant me the serenty……."
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just thought I would touch base.
I have had a wonderful birthday week-I am being taken out tomorrow by one of the GA members. She has also invited me to her Church so if a giant earthquake hits Chicago it’s just God in shock!
This lady is so devoted to her recovery. She truely works it everyday. She has 10 years clean and is a mentor/sponser to many. She lives recovery. I wish I had her motovatation.
Speaking of motovatation I sure could use an injection of it. If they sell it somewhere let me know and I will save up to buy it. I feel like I am day one on all fronts, maybe because I am. I am in denial right now so I will just go with it.
Sherrie if you are still reading I was moved by your post. It is awful to feel so bad. I know because I sometime feel like I am a wasted life. I don’t know why we were cast our lot in life however it’s up to us to make the best of it. I need to take my own advice.
Take good care of yourselves.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Everyone!
Got off work early-waiting for Jen to take me to dinner. I had a friend take me to lunch so it’s all good!
Hey Reds-you made my page 200! Love the cake!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole I read your thread. Sounds like hubby is going through something and is covering it up by dwelling on you. Hmmm………Also, it’s not a river boat-lol! Here a "river boat" is a casino-This boat will be sailing on a lake-hehe!
Kathryn Congrats on your car! I love my car, did I mention that? lol! I love that you named it too.
I am exausted. My brother took me to dinner for my B day last night. Corned beef and cabbage, of course, since it was St Pat’s day. Jen had the family over today and I got a lot of nice gifts. It’s my last b day that starts with a 4. My oldest brother was teasing me about being 50 next year and I had to remind him that that only meant that he was beating 60 with a stick-as he is 9 years older than me. I will go to dinner one more time on my real birthday-the 20th. Busy week.
Laura so glad we had a little catch up today!
Reds you have to decide what you want on the pizza. Don’t know if you two are meat eaters but the suggest may be  Italian sausage, onion, green pepper, mushrooms. Keep dreaming it up. It has a ton of cheese, sauce, add ins, then another layer of sauce and cheese. About 1 million calories so wear some loose pants! lol! Another suggestion are italian beef sandwiches. Yummy!!
Ok i think i just clogged an artery with the thought of that food!
I pray for a good nights sleep. I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
CULLY?? OMG! Thought you were still on your honeymoon!
I wish I needed a passport! Carole and Reds and Larry are coming to Chicago for the GA conference in April.
I am looking foward to meeting everyone too.
Late for me and off to bed!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
I am Soooooo Behind~
To quote Elvis " I want you , I need you , I love you, with all my heart"!
I look at my funny fuzzy flower in my kitchen and I think of you.
Every time you post you "beat the odds". Recovery is a life long job.
Keep living! ( and posting )
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Having been a teenage girl and having raised one too she did what I would have done-find something, anything, to change the subject. I’m sure she felt her mom put you up to mentioning whatever it was that she is doing "wrong". She shows high intellegence Larry, I’m pretty sure who she got that from.
I was raised in a two parent home and my dad worked nights. When he was home I avoided him like the plague. He was grumpy ( tired-he worked 50 hours a week ) and I was afraid of him. I didn’t really get to know him until I was an adult. I look back now with adult eyes and I know he did his best for me. I’m sure your daughter will see that in time too.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole I’ll send you an email. I had a couple thoughts-deep dish pizza should be on the list!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
The drive was lovely and the weather couldn’t have  been lovelier. Funny how driving 8 hours in a car can make you exausted.
I am getting ready for my class this morning. I have gained 4 pounds since I started taking the new insulin. I am eating better and much less than I have in months. We will see what she has to say.
Glad I am not working today. I am pooped!
I got a "spam" email from an elderly lady friend of mine. I know it’s a fraud because it says she needs 2000 euros and is in Spain. It also says her cousin need an emergency hysterectomy, then go’s on to say how HE will live a normal life after the surgery!
Have a great one!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sorry I’ve not been posting. I have been getting lazy.
I am on the hormone rollercoaster. I do think some of it is the meds. I meet with the diabetic educater on Monday so I am hoping for info and possible assistance. I went to my GA meeting today and was told there may be some assistance for me somewhere so I need to start looking. Proactive is not one of my better trates so something I have to work on.
Nieces birthday tomorrow and I will skip the cake.
I am not doing some strict diet however I am still gaining 1-2 pounds a week even though I am being careful about everything I put in my mouth. One side affect of my new insulin is weight gain. Nice. I do have a plan B. If the educator can’t help me get it together then I will rethink gastric bypass. I was approved to have it done 5 years ago but decited to do it the old fashion way-diet and workouts. If that won’t work now I will do what ever it takes. I am not going down without a fight!
Carole the conference is just a month away! Chin up!
Good to see u Hope!
Vera, I was driving and a rock hit the car! First chip in the paint and the car doesn’t even have 500 miles yet! Oh well, it’s less than perfect now, just like me!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Everyone,
I love my car!
I am more than a bit frustrated about my meds. As u know I am trying to get my blood sugar down. Long story short I had to get some meds filled at my local pharmacy. Because of the dosage they will only give me a 27 day supply-and my out of pocket co payment is $50. They should give me a full 30 days supply for one co payment -but that means having to give me a second box of insulin injector pens and I have been fighting with the druggest and my RX company about it. It floors me that as being part of the lower middle class you just can’t catch a break when it comes to medcine. I make too much for assistance but it is a struggle to pay for medication. These 2 rx alone will cost me $1000 this year.
My poor belly is all brused from taking these stupid shots. I want to skip the meds, smoke and drink and gamble!
OK, thats vented now. As soon as I can make myself look like I haven’t been crying for 2 hours I will go pay the ransom and get the medication I need to keep me alive a bit longer. I hate feeling like this. I am an emotional wreck. Hormones don’t help either.
Did I mention I love my car?
bettie

[bettie]

Hey kids,
News-news-news~
Talked to my sister last night, her husband GOT A JOB! Thank you Jesus! Talk about making it in the nick of time! He starts next week, it’s in his field and, bonus, Its close to home! It’s a cut in pay from what he was making but with the added conviences he comes out way ahead.
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!
I have spent the last hour looking for the car title. I am a last minute person too!
I have driven many many beater cars and they really served their purpose. I bought my very first new car in 1994, when my dad retired and moved down state. He was the back yard mechanic and it was said by the young men if Mr G couldn’t fix the car it couldn’t be fixed. My experance then is like it is now-when a woman walks in the price of the repair doubles. I love a man who can fix a car~~!!
Hey reds- I do all my workouts at home-dvd’s. the "walk at home" series by Leslie Sansone is a favorite. She works with all fitness ( or lack of fitness ) levels. I need to get back to early AM workouts. By the time I get home I am usually too tired.,
Hey K, I never noticed Sean Penns head-lol!-I’ll look next time I see him.
Carole glad u like the car!
tc
bettie

[bettie]

Thats a good thought Vera!
I talked to my sister last night. It seems her husbands unemployment benefits have run out. I’m not sure what they will do, it really scarry for them. Instead of helping my Mom plans to bail and let them loose the house. She seems to think that she will get a place with my oldest brother. He hasn’t worked in years and just started getting disabality payments. Sad situtation.
Funny how buying this car has made me want to smoke and the gambling thought has been there. I am stressed about taking on the bill, thought for a second maybe I could "win" the car payment! lol!! Well we all know better than that!
peace
bettie

[Author]

Posts