[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Got some shocking news when I left work yesterday. One of the gals I worked with when I moved to that branch has died. Seems she had a heart attack-while on a vacation cruse. How awful for her family. She is a bit younger than me and has 2 children in their late teens. I called my old assistant manager to tell her and she told me another one of the ladies we worked with at that time passed last week too! These two ladies worked together also! Makes you think u know?
3 more work days and I am off for a week. Gonna see Jules Saturday but no plan after than. I am tempted just to stay in the car and keep driving and see where it takes me. I just wish I had someone to come with me. Most likely I’ll just hang around home but lots of stuff I could be doing here.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Deb, I did get a response and It was pretty much what I expected it would be. Out of respect for the program I will not go into detail. "Principals before personalities", that’s what Charles said on the chat today. I told him as women we are full of personalities so that was a tough one for me! 
Laura the dizzy was brief and went away quickly. I’ll take note in case it becomes more regular but I don’t think there is a need for alarm at this point. My gf needed her gall bladder removed-I had mine out at 16-and the Dr told her it was just in time. Another year or two and she would have had cancer. I guess the thing was full of polyups, yuck.
I am going to go to a new meeting this week. There are 2 very close ones that I have not tried so I will give them a go.
Very productive weekend. My oldest brother came and helped me till the garden box in Jen’s yard today. I hope to get a bumper crop-he is like a farmer, having much experence growing various herbs over the years-lol~!
I cooked all kinds of good things today. Fresh string beans, black eye pea’s, corn on the cob, chicken thighs and turkey Italian sausage on the grill. I will eat like a low fat Queen this week!
I am deciding what to do with my week off next week. I hate to just stay home. I wish Jen could go on a road trip with me but the dogs are an issue. My assistant manager has this week off so thats almost like an extra week off for me!
I thought about gambling and remembered-gambling is not an option.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Ok, I sent the email. When I make up my mind to do something I usually just do it! I kept it simple, no critizism or mention of hurt feelings. I simply said Thank you but it was time to move on. Someone once told me that sponsership must be a thank-less job, trying to help a "new-bee" who doesn’t get it. I hope she doesn’t feel that way but if she does she owns those feeling-not me. What she thinks of me is none of my business.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I am up early-restless sleeping and again Mr Jingles doesn’t like me to sleep in.
Sherry I would not exclude someone knowingly but it does happen, even if it is not intentional it still hurts.
I am contemplating sending an email today and thank my sponsor for the things she has taught me and let her off the hook. People and things that hinder my recovery need to be addressed and I need to move on.
It will be very hot here today. My niece is hosting a little party for my brothers birthday. Not sure how long I will stay out in the heat.
I am feeling a bit dizzy. I think maybe it’s from the lack of sleep, maybe I’ll try for a nap in a bit. I checked my sugar and it is just perfect!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I am at home and not at the casino so I guess that says something. I’ve done laundry, some cleaning, a workout, and some reading. I could call my brother but I am not feeling like I could be very good company anyway. It was hot as heck today but the temp has dropped and I have the window open now. I need to stop snacking, just ate a bowl of cereal to minimize the dammage from binge eating.
I’ve tried to listen to the words you have all typed about friends and friendship. I am looking back, way back, to try to figure out why I have always felt odd man out. My mom had no social life, none. She went out of her way to be cynical and always look for an angle-like someone was always wanting to get something from her. I think I am just the opposite in that respect. I get taken advantage of because I take people at face value. For instance if you say you’ll call I believe you’ll call and when you don’t I get my feelings hurt. My first "fwb" asked once why I would be so upset with him when he didn’t call-my response was honest-because sometimes that was all I had to look foward to, and I lived for the attention. Thin skinned, co dependent, it’s very hard to live like this.
I’ve thought about "it’s not about me". But if it isn’t about me why is it then? This pattern repeats and repeats. I guess I do isolate. Try as I might I still worry what other people think of me. I guess it doesn’t matter really.
bettie

[bettie]

I think I need to move to Cananda!
Thanks for the post Vera and Deb, and thanks for the call Laura. I’ll dry my tears and get ready for work now.
bettie

[bettie]

It’s easy to say "****** the lot of them" but it changes nothing. If I always feel excluded why bother looking for another meeting?
I’ve woken up in quite a mood!
You are 100% right about the gambling urges. I had to steer clear of the casino on the way home. The "perfect storm" has arrived to feed my addiction. I can gamble and at least have something to do, or I can stay home and feel sorry for myself all weekend. Neither are very good choises. I am too blinded by my hurt feelings to see any further.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Paul would you believe at my age I would not dream about going into a bar alone? Did I strike you as the shy wall flower type? lol~ For the record Chicago area bars DO have poker machines. They may "payoff"-if you are a regular. Al Capone lives!
Well I am home from what just might be my last meeting at that particular meeting place. I went into the room with a couple hellos, sat next to my "sponser", who didn’t have two words to say to me. The "click" has reared it’s head yet again. The one lady talked of a party she was throwing for family and friends, and then came the mention that my "sponser" was attending. I so wanted to be included! I feel unwanted, unlikable, a sore thumb. I am so much like my Mom. friendless.(I do count u all as friends, but there is a difference between cyber space and a physical presents) There is something about me that must turn people off. The one friend that I did have, my ex gambling buddy, has a boyfriend now. We haven’t hung out in weeks. She had surgery and I offered to care for her and her Mom but she had that covered-thanks but no thanks.
I’ve asked myself many many times what I am doing wrong. I am clewless. I really hate being me.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am so sleepy! I slept good but I had a dream that is trying to come into my memory. Bits and pieces right now.
I don’t know what it is about the weather. It gets sunny and warm and I want to go to the casino and drink beer! Whats that all about? I toyed with the idea, told myself the million reasions why that was a bad idea, cleaned the condo and treated myself to a manipedi! Cute orange finger nails typing this this morning! I read some of my posts from last summer when I was looking foward to my pinning. I seemed to have it all then so where did it go?
Yes Carole, I do need a passport! The thought of having to take my picure is a turn off but a necessary evil-lol~!
Ican I still love that post. I still want to cry when I read it.
Well time to get ready for work then I WILL go to my meeting tonight.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,I caught a little bit of the chat earlier and maria popped on. I thought about this when we were chatting. I have reposted it many times but I think it is time yet again.Have a great day everyone!bettie
Originally posted by bettie

 
 
 Hi Guys,
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sad today. My dad passed 12 years ago today. It’s an easy date to remember, as it’s the same date 28 years ago that I left my husband after he beat me.
I really dislike May 22.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well feeling like an idiot today. I got "secret shopped" at work last month and I failed! Not by a little either! Usually you can tell when you are getting shopped and you step up the conversatation. Long story short I could tell by the report that I spent alot of time with this person but they didn’t seem to like me much. Some of the review ( was banker wearing her name tag, did they ask for your business etc ) had answers of no. I am a stickler about things like that so I know I was not treated fairly. I gave the person my business card-which tells me why would I give a card and NOT say please call me when you are ready to open your account or can I be of further assistance. On some other notes there are things that i know I don’t do-like shake hands-but overall I feel like an idiot. I keep telling myself "oh well" but the truth be told this affects my job-and I am not happy about it at all! I am WAY behind the goals this quater so this could not have come at a worse time. Just pray for me!
On a lighter note-life goes on. Worked out, ate well, numbers are good. Customer told me today that my new hair cut is very nice and made me look much younger! I’ll take that! I did have a very productive day today, I told my boss I was trying for redemption!
Lots of gambling thoughts all weekend but none acted on. Thats a win-win for sure.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Up early, Mr Jingles just doesn’t understand Sundays. It is bright and sunny but may get storms later.
I think I will take my bike to the gas station and go get air in the tires.
I am taking a week off the first week of June. Not sure what I will do but my bedroom could use a coat of paint.
Time to get moving!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Carole, I’m right here! Lazy about posting but still here! I played hooky from my meeting so I could workout. I wore a dress today and I looked like I had a waist! lol~ I was excited to see some shape!
I bought a kit with 6 different nail colors and have used 5 of them to polish my nails. Looks like a rainbow!
Poor Jennie! She went to the dentist and had a tooth pulled. I am so upset! I wish she had come to me, I would have found the money to fix that tooth! My friend said I was enabeling her, offering her money, and that she would not improve her life if I kept bailing her out. Well that may be true but she’s my baby, and she will not grow more teeth! It’s not like I was buying her something silly, it’s a tooth! I was told I can’t fix her till I fix myself. F*** that! I dissagree!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole you sound like a regular farmer! How nice! I am thinking of attempting another garden at Jen’s. Didn’t work out too well last year so maybe I’ll do better this time around.
I have been faithfully working out. I am sore but I am seeing a benifit and that helps motovate me. I wore a dress today that I had planned to return to the store because I didn’t like the way it looked. I liked the way it looked today!
bettie

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