[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well a funny thing happened today. I called my sister and we talked for about 2 hours. She is going through so much. Being torn between your mother and your husband would not be nice for anyone. I called to my brothers house to see if my oldest brother was there. I wanted to see if he wanted to go downstate. My brother said why don’t you come over and bring some antacid as we need to talk about whats going on. Funny how his mind was right where my mind was today.
I went, we all talked. My suggestion for assisted living was voted down. In the US-maybe everywhere-if you are a trouble maker they can kick you out even after you have given them your life savings. My oldest brother is willing to take care of her if there is no other soloution. My 2nd oldest brother was very upset. He had planned to camp this weekend but his heart was not in it. He cried when he said he felt really bad for my sister-and doesn’t know how she has managed to get even this far. We agreed that mom should not bail them out at this point because it is throwing good money after bad. They have not been able to get any assistance with the upside down mortgage because they have managed to pay on time-up in till now. Its a strange goverment program that won’t help until you are almost on the street but it is what it is.
My brother has agreed to join me for the trip. His son lives there and I will stay at a hotel for a couple days. I want to pick up my nieces and go do something with them. I told my brother that maybe mom would want to come too and she was welcome. I found out later in the day her response was-well SHE could not AFFORD it. See Carole she is a twin to your mom for sure!
My sister came over for a swim and my 2nd oldest brother joined us. The conversation continued about mom. We told her that we all have to handle mom a bit differently. She is agatated and scared. We assured my sister that mom would not be homeless-and she needed to be reassured about that. I told my sister that it would take time to forclose on her and she needed to work now any possible relief that was available.
All in all I have had a pretty full and busy day. Everything is in the open. That alone takes the pressure off. I so wanted to tell my brother my "secret"-that I am a CG. I had  second thoughts as seeing his tears about my sister really made me feel he had taken on enough for now. He has become the "head of the family". One day I will share that-not to burden him with worry-but to let him know that I am firm in my recovery, and that I am OK.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes Carole I know u are right. Your Granddaughter is so fortunate to have you.
Well lots of family drama going on. My brother in law has lost his job yet again. My sister is 2 months behind on the mortgage. My mom has decited that she will not bail them out-even though that means that she will loose her home too. She has it in her head that she will buy yet another house for my oldest brother and go live with him. It’s time for a family pow wow. My oldest brother-who is a moocher and is now getting dissability payments-is willing to go right along with with it. The problem is that he will not be able to care for her long and she is going to wind up in a nursing home. My mom keeps going on and on how awful and lazy my brother in law is and how awful he is to her. She thinks it’s all about HER. Well all things being equal if thats what she really wants then so be it. It frustrates me. My 2nd oldest brother and I agreed to forgo any type of inherdence as long as my mom was taken care of. We are the only two kids that never received any money from my Dad’s estate. It hurts in a way. Any time I ever borrowed a penny repayment was expected and always received. It feels like she always loved everyone else more than me,( my mother believes money equals love) I was expected to fend for myself. I know in a lot of ways she did me a favor because I can take care of myself but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel slighted-and I need to let that go.I am trying not to let this affect me yet I believe thats almost impossible. I know this is not about me-but I want to help. I would love it if my sister would try to work a deal with my deceased neighbors brother. The selling price for his condo is now almost 1/2 of what I owe on my condo-but he would have to do some kind of seller financing as they would not qualify for a loan. The wheels are turning in my head.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I got quite a suprise tonight. My bell rang and it was the Fedex delivery guy, My cousin mentioned she bought me something. I could not imagine what in the world it could be. It was a painting-a retro print of the funnest cat face and it says "Bossy Kitty" cat food-feed me now! Resistance is futile! It’s already hung in my kitchen near the spot where I feed the cats. I am the crazy cat lady-except my cats are in various non living forms. I have TV cat lamps, figurines, pictures and wall hanging. My brother made me a knick nack shelf. Cats! lol~I never realized how many I have.
So I had nothing really to do after work and I did my best to stay busy. I went to my daughters and worked the garden a bit and cut the grass. I need tomato cages. I took the grand dogs for a walk and let them run the yard while I worked there. I came home and took a pain pill then worked out. Yes my knee is so much better-almost as good as before I injured it. I took all the meat that has been in the freezer for a while and cooked it on the grill. Chicken thighs, 2 steaks, 4 hambugers, an ear of corn, baked potato and mushrooms. My neighbor asked if I was having a party. I told him no, just me and the cats and I was extra hungry tonight!
I cleaned the kitchen and I’ve had a shower, shave-lol-plucked my eyebrows and polished my nails.
For a brief moment I fely very sorry for myself because I feel alone, the perfect excuse to run to the casino for an escape. The stupid thoughts this sick mind has. I had plenty of options-I have a phone list, my brother, my sister, my daughter, any number of people I could have shared my feast with but I chose to be alone. Isolated. I don’t feel like socalizing. My only really close gf has a bf now-I rarely see her. I am jelious. She held out after a really toxic relationship and now she has Mr Right. It took 2 years. Do I even have that much time left? I wonder about that.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Hey Cat-yes we are too good to be victims. In some cases of negative behaviours-gambling, bad relationships-we do have a choise.
Laura going back to work will do that to you! I didn’t make it for my bloodwork today-well I did but they were too busy to stay-so I have to go tomorrow. I may not make it on at all but I will try.
Had a couple remarks made to me about not wanting to pay $30 a visit for physical therapy. While it is true that in the scheme of things I would have spent that in 10 minutes in a casino, I would have also done a cash advance on a credit card to do it. For most CG a financial recovery happens fast but in a one income household and tackling a car payment-well you get the picture. My friend questioned why I was only doing 1 meeting a week and it’s the same thing. "Well u found time to gamble"- Yea-on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I guess It upsets me when my motatives are questioned. I make a sacrafice to go to one weekly meeting-I work full time and it is hard to manage my meds and meal times and workouts when I am gone from home 12 hours on that meeting day.I make what time I can and I am not asking for a reward or a pat on the back. I guess I resent being questioned. Oh well, another for the step 4 list!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I wish it was that easy Carole. I can’t block his number on this new phone I bought. He never calls my house phone so I can turn the cell off in the evening and not worry about getting a call from him. I think it may be all setteled by now anyway. I sent him a text pitcure of the bruse on my leg and the phone calls have stopped. Maybe guilt or fear, who knows. I am tired of thinking about all of it, my mind has been obsessed with this for over 10 days now and it is just eating me up so enough is enough.
Went to a new meeting last night. Funny how they are all a bit different. I cried like a baby-just talking about things in general. Still looking for a new sponser. It is odd how few people have worked the steps.
I am tired today but need to leave early and get some bloodwork done.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well I am in a really p*ssy mood. Maybe the heat, maybe the Dr appointment keeping me waiting to give me info that really could have been discussed over the phone. Seems my GP overreacted-there is NOT a tear but a birth defect in my knee. Whatever. He says I have arthritis and wants me to go to physical therapy and see him in 2 months. After telling me that he said wait for the nurse for rx for a pain med and script for the physical therapy. At $30 a session there is no financial way I can go for 2 months. I might go to 1 or 2 and then do it on my own
Someone nicked the door on my car! B*stards!
The fwb called 2x today. That is stressing me. My co dependent behaviors are screaming at me-pick up-you’re making him mad! What the h*ll? I am nothing to him, invisable really, so why oh why would I want to pick up? I am really sick.
Thanks for your posts.
bettie

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
Some good info I found-we had a few questions about co dependency so maybe this wil explain a bit.
I see the orthopedic dr tomorrow-talked to my GP today. Not good news. My knee is full of arthritis-and there is a tear. I will know what the course of action should be tommorrow.
Thw FWB called today. I didn’t pick up.
bettie
 Characteristics of Co – dependency
 
Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of co- dependency
 
1         My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2         My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
3         Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems / relieving your pain.
4         My mental attention is focused on you
5         My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6         My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
7         My self –esteem is boistered by solving your problems.
8         My self –esteem is boistered by relieving your pain.
9         My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spendt sharing your hobbies/interests.
10     Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desire and I feel you are a reflection of me.
11     Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
12     I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13     I am not aware of what I want- I ask what you want. I am not aware-I assume.
14     The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15     My fear ofrejectio determines what I say or do.
16     My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
17     I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
18     My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
19     I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
20     I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
21     The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’m sure that Sandra Gams5 from SH won’t mind what I "borrowed" from her post.
Good info to know!
bettie
    This is a few of the symptoms I felt over the course of ending gambling .I found it helpful for me ,when thinking I was off the WAll in emotions , feelings , irrational thoughts – To understand where I was coming from, I read this : without this information I would have thought I was going insane ; but it was part of the process out of the Cycle Of Hell I was leaving Behind and Each time I went back out after 1 bet was placed the Cycle re ignited and I felt these symptoms anew.
 "And since I don’t like these symptoms at all , I don’t place a bet of any kind. The actual laying of the bet , was not the killer, it was the leading up to and the leaving behind THE BET -that Slayed me.
———————————————————- 
 
 

Withdrawal Symptoms
 
 
As with other addictions, withdrawal symptoms often occur. Among the most common are:

Anger and verbal abuse, sometimes extreme*

A feeling of emptiness

Depression

Relief

A disruption in sleep pattern

Fantasies and dreams about the game

The urge to go back to gaming and try to control the time played

Thinking about the game for extended periods of time

Uncontrollable feelings or rampant mood swings

Excessive crying

Anxiety

Fear

Irritability or restlessness

Sadness

Loneliness

Boredom/inability to find an activity of interest

Lack of motivation/direction

Excessive amounts of time spent sleeping

Nausea

Difficulty facing obligations, procrastination

Feeling as though a return to gaming will make you feel better

Physical illness – colds, allergies

Restless, unfulfilling, taunting dreams

 

[bettie]

Its a mixed bag of things today.
My niece is safely delivered, 8lb 9 0z Anya, sister to Elise. God Bless my nieces!
My Brother in Law lost his job again!
My Dr called and left a messege for me to call him. I did, he was busy, said the Nurse would call back, that was 1 1/2 hours ago. I called the office again and they are closed!
Oh well, guess I will find out tomorrow.
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Carole,
I got a copy of the MRI – it’s on a dvd. There are two different views of the knee-and u can click through every stage of the MRI. The Dr  showed me the minnicus-i know i can’t spell-in the office on a fake knee but I can’t locate it in the pictures. Guess I will have to wait for the Dr’s report.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
A little late but Happy Fathers Day!
Had a nice time at my sisters-where i as called to duty to do 4 haircuts! Oh well, I don’t mind too much just wish I knew more hairdressers-better to know one than to be one-lol~!
Deb I am sure anything by Melody is inspirational and wonderful.
Carole I didn’t ask and I did look at the disk-it ment nothing to me but it was very cool.
Need to relax a bit-kind of over did it. The strained knee is achey but the left knee-the one with the giant bruse behind it-had a bit of a burning pain and is ichy. It’s healing but I look like I had the cr*p beat out of me!
My niece will have her c-section and deliver a baby sister to her 2 year old. My gosh when I got to GT I wasn’t a Great Aunt yet-and this time around-NO PROBLEM buying a gift!
Yet another thing to be greatful for.
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I should be sleeping-I just called off work. Coughing all night and sick to my stomach to boot!
I had a great meeting last night and got a phone call when I got home. My ex sponser called-and she really helped me see more clearly the reality of this past weeks events.
I am greatfull to all of you for your support during this rough patch. Kathryn and Laura your advice has not fallen on deaf ears and my eyes are wide open now too.
Just like gambling we swear over and over I am done and I won’t do this again. Well I think the line was finally crossed and I now have sight where I was so pitfully blind. I will never be touched again by a hand that does not love me. I deserve better.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Maybe anyone reading this weeks posts from me are scratching their heads wondering why I am posting about whats going on in my life and the connection to gambling. Well for me it is HUGE. Feeling like this were the catalist to my gambling in January. The feelings I have about myself, the true hatred when you get down to it, makes me feel like it doesn’t matter if I gamble, I am worthless and unlovable and a big fat jerk! I am blaming myself for what happened now-and I made some foolish choices and did make an *ss of myself. But here’s the flip side. I am not the only person at fault for the things that happened. I always felt the real reason that the "fwb" and I didn’t have a more public relationship was because deep down he didn’t think I measured up. For years he has picked up on my insecurities and used them to his advantage.
I have such a headache. The fact that he knows that I have an injury and he hasn’t called even once to see how i am is really eating at me.( It says a lot about him doesn’t it?)  Maybe thats just what I need, to really really hurt, and reach a "bottom" with this unhealthy and self destructive "relationship". I could get out of the hole I am in-if I stop digging.
Well it’s time to dress and go to work. I need to go to my meeting tonight but do not feel that I could even scratch the surface of whats been going on. I am just tired of being me this week.
bettie

[bettie]

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
You are right Deb. He said he would call me back later today. Carole thanks for the chat, I needed it.
I am a bit down today. Just trying to clear my head.
Managed 2 loads of wash and making the bed. Something about a fresh bed to sleep in that makes the world seem ok afterall.
tc
bettie

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