[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I have a lot on my mind.
I reread my thread last night-from about Oct to present. I remember an email that vera sent me a while back about how my self worth was tied to being -or not being-in a relationship. I reread something Larry had posted to me just before my "slip", about relationships and men who are dogs-and of course he hit the nail on the head.
Being around my mother reminds me of her opinion of me. I am a failure because I divorced a man who abused me. I am a failure because I never found a man to "take care of me". 
Discount anything i may have acheaved in my life or any disadvantage that I have over come. I could have been dependent on public aid, being a highschool dropout and all, but I chose to work two jobs and keep a roof over my head. I was able to provide my daughter with the best health care because I had spent my hard earned money to give her private insurance. Of course I was told quite clearly ( by guess who ) that I was to blame for her accident in the first place because I wasn’t watching her like I should have been. I still carry that guilt. Her survival was my survival. I lived for a very long time on caring for and rehabing her. Seven years later she left home-and took my idenity with her. I was no longer a care giver, I was no one’s partner, I was nothing. I found a new idenity for myself soon enough. Gambler. It made me feel good, successful, cared about. All lies I now know but at the time it was something, much like the onesided "relationships" I have had over the years. Settling for "something" as opposed to having nothing-and being greatful for the random hour spent with me.
I guess I am rambling a bit-my mind is racing. I don’t want to be upset anymore tonight. My kitty is nudging me for a pet. Funny how animals sense when things are not quite right. There are fireworks tonight for the 4th but it is so hot I think I will pass.
bettie

[bettie]

What can I say Kathryn?
Somehow Bali sounds like more fun than a road trip with my mom~~LOL~~!
Oh well enjoy yourself!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Hey Sherrie-no need for sorry! I got a phone call and I was hoping that maybe a little one on one w/cathie might help u sort things.
Bright Star I have to laugh- My mom has said more than once if she had known about birth control she would have only had 3 kids. Being the 5th child- well-you get the picture! lol!
Carole I will call my boss on Thursday, I just got home and tomorrow is the 4th of July holiday here so the bank is closed. Fingers crossed!
Deb the knee is better-achy but not limping. That did give me a scare.
I have had gambling urges all the way home today. I think the stress of being around my mom and all the life events of late are taking a toll on me. I am good- I don’t plan to act on them. I am very aware just how fragile recovery can be sometimes.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi guys,
She’s a gem in the rough! All the positive reinenforcement a gal could want! If I have to hear one more story about constpatation I’m gonna loose it! lol~~Oh well, I can only change me.
I have been a slug this whole trip. Fried chicken, chicken and dumplings, sister in law picked rasberries and made a scratch pie! Fried catfish to boot! I need to spend the rest of my time off in the gym!
My knee is not too bad but it does ache behind my knee cap.I set myself back a couple weeks.
Funny how I feel so close to my dad and my brother here. This is the area they were both living in when they passed. I see a store or a place we used to go and it brings back happy memories. Drove past my unckles old dary farm. So few of them left now-ghosts of the past, I miss those days.
Home tomorrow.
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Carole I think it’s catfish-as SIL’s BF caught them Saturday night.
Mother-well she’s still mother. She made a remark about the car not having something or other. I said too bad I was born Beautiful instead of rich-she said yea well too bad you didn’t get either one. Such a sweet loving person-NOT! She was mad at me because we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken and as always she took the breast. There were two pieces left-she could not have eaten another bite-yet she wanted the 2nd breast so there would be no leftovers as I mentioned my brother could take it back for his son..
I’m ready to go home. All in all not a bad trip but it is too hot!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Larry- I’m in Southern Illinois till tuesday-I know of the heat that you speak about. Preview of Hell?- I think I better get it togetherand fly right!!
Deb maybe it’s the shoes! Same ones I had on the first time I twisted my knee. Time for a new pair!
Having a fish fry with my Sister in Law tonight. Home tomorrow.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just checking in. Hot today. So far so good. Saw one of my nieces and sister in law. Mom is on good behaviour -so far-lol.
Larry my brother said Merle Haggard ( Along with Dwight Yokum-my favorite ) will be playing the state fair here this year. I won’t make it but maybe your plans will bring you here.
Deb my hair is a humid wreck!
bettie 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Storming here tonight. Tired as heck! I still have not packed and I need to get up real early tomorrow. No chat for me. I hope to be on the road at 5:30 am so I need to get moving.
I am bring my PC and will be checking in!
Be Good!!
lol~
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yea Carole, if u remember just right my passport photo is from a "professional" also! I should have paid the $15 bucks and had it done at the drug store!
U know some people refer to themselves as a  "Greatful Recovering Compulsive Gambler". I think I am finally starting to see what they mean.
If not for recovery I would have continued to "live" the cg life. No friends, no family, nothing to look foward to. Do you think I would have ever gotten a passport? For what? I wasn’t ever going anywhere. I am thrilled to have made the good friends that I have met here. For that I am truly greatful!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes my mother is extreamly child like and will be treated as such. I don’t want to have to keep repeating the Serenty Prayer as a Mantra but I will if necessary.
I got my passport today! Yea! The picture-well-I think people will look at it and say Gee-you look so much better in person-lol!
Saw my great neices today. The 2 year old needed her bangs trimed. She said Aunt buney is a princess-I went there straight from work and had a dress on. Her mom said anyone in a dress is a princess in her opinion. I had on a headband and I told her that was my crown. She took off my watch and necklace and put it on herself. So So cute! The new baby is still sleeping most of the time but that will change soon enough. My niece already has her on a pretty good schedule. She is such a good mom. I remember when She was a little girl, my sister and I both divorced and raised our girls together. Time truely does fly. I can barely remember Jen at that age.
I took a swim when I got home. I remember that was a big factor in picking this condo complex. Free pool for the girls. I think this is only the 2nd time in 18 years that I have swam by myself, not a soul in there but me. Warm evening, cool pool, all to myself. Sometimes life is good like that.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Had to chuckle at your post Carole. Someone who doesn’t know us might take that the wrong way! LOL!!!! It’s good to start the day with a chuckle!
Well the vacation time that had no plans is now packed full of stuff to do.
I’m taking my Mom and brother downstate with me for a visit with my nieces and nephew. I have contacted some entended family for a visit too. Mother will be told that certain subjects are taboo and unless she wants our visits cut short she will be on good behaviour! lol! One of my nieces will come back with me and spend 10 days here. We will come back Tuesday as I want to be home for the 4th. After that the tentative plan is to camp the following weekend.
2 more working days and I am out of here! Yea!!
Thanks for the encouragement on all fronts. I need it and I truely apprecatate it! ( even if I can’t spell it! )
peace
bettie  

[bettie]

Thanks guys!
I am pooped out and going to bed!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Jules-
U owe me a visit. The pool was great yesterday!
Wish u were here~
bettie

[bettie]

Sending love and good vibs your way!
bettie

[bettie]

Well Guys-Good news!
What? How can that be? Am i reading betties thread??? lol~
I had a dr appointment today. My Dr asked me what I had been doing. I told him about stopping the 2nd insulin, working out and feeling better. He told me he really didn’t know what I needed him for-my blood work is the best that it’s been in over a year. I’m down 18 pounds, blood pressure is good and my A1c is 7.6-down 2 whole points in 2 months. (that measures sugar control – non diabetics measure below 6.5)  He told me when I stay motovated that I can do anything-and he wishes all his diabetic patients were doing as well as I am. I am very pleased-as I really struggeled to regain control once I lost it. A lot like gambling-when we do what we know to do and use the tools we have been given we get closer and closer to a normal, happy life.
No time for complacency now. I think I am going to change into my gym shoes and take a nice long walk.
I feel good!
bettie
 

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