[bettie]

Well this is a long story but i will try to make it short.
I gambled on the 20th. I am a fool.
I made the arrangements to go see my friend in the detention center. I went online, did the required forms and somehow I didn’t get on the list to visit. I had spent the night in the state where he was at, my sister drove with me. I had worked that day, picked her up and drove until 7pm. I had a very long and tiring day only to be turned away the next morning. I called my sister, she had waited at the motel, and asked her to be ready to go. I was so hurt and felt so humiliated. I cried most of the drive home and gambled what little I had left in my pocket.
He got released on bail on the following Wednesday and finally found the time to see me tonight. See it was important to me to see and support him but somehow someway I was not important enough to see until tonight. He was suppose to be here at 7, showed at 9:30.
He hurt my feelings when he was here and I threw him out.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t gamble over him. I can’t let myself be the least and last in any ones life anymore. I’m sad-he was sad when he left telling me he always felt safe with me and that he could come to me for advice. I treated him like a king-I would have liked that too-whats not to like?
I’m just so tired of being hurt-and I hate hurting anyone-even him.
bettie

[bettie]

Our moms are sisters Liz-my mom just turned 80 and acts just like yours. Maybe it’s that generation?
I accept that my mom will never approve of me. I recently found out that she has been selling anyone who will listen to her that I have always been her problem child and that I got pregnant to spite Her. What a joke! Study’s show troubled teens sometimes get pregnant in an effort to find unconditional love. Maybe I’ll tell her about that some day.
bettie

[bettie]

Sorry I didn’t make a group today.
I went to the Dentist. Still having problems with a tooth he filled ( unnecessary if you ask me ). I only saw the hygienist and she thinks it now needs a crown too. My dental insurance is worse than my medical and I am out of benefits. $2 thousand dollars worth of dental work needed-only get $1 thousand in coverage per year. I might have to just have that tooth pulled. Time will tell.
Took my niece shopping at the thrift. Got things to post on my auction account. Need to clean-so what else is new.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks Charles
I did go to my meeting-it was good and I should make some extra ones.
I had a chance to gamble yesterday-I chose to say no.
Score one for me
Broke is good!
bettie

[bettie]

I hear you loud and clear.
I had the urge today but came home instead.
some sayings keep rolling i my head.
“1 bet is to many yet 1000 is not enough”
This is an illiness that is progressive in nature.
I am never happy with $20 to bet with, I always need more and more.
“I have lots of bets left in me but the question is do I have even one more recovery?”
I don’t want to risk finding out.
bettie

[bettie]

Went to the eye Dr-everything looks good. Came home with good intentions-you know, the kind of intentions that pave the road to hell-lol! I fell asleep and napped most of the afternoon.
Did some dishes and ate the roast I made yesterday night-it was very good. Beef has been so high I only buy it on sale, guess thats just the CG in me. Well, that and being broke.
I did have strong urges today so better I went to sleep. I could make a meeting-there is one in a hour-but I am feeling extra lazy and think I will just make my regular one tomorrow.
Big argument with Jen via text message. She doesn’t have the money for her Car insurance and hasn’t paid rent yet this month. I don’t know how long the landlord will put up with her but I can’t give what I don’t have.
Well I should go clean up a bit-we’ll see.
bettie

[bettie]

Wishing you much love and happiness in the next year of life!
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for the comment FG!
I was intending to post yesterday but got home late. Also, I hate looking for the end of my thread so glad to see a post!
Things are smoothing out a bit-and I am grateful.
I spent the day yesterday with my friend. She’s seems to have gotten over the distress of my gambling. We didn’t talk about it much and that’s fine by me.
I did go to my regular meeting on Friday and owned up to my situation. Not so bad because I have gotten over my initial shame and put out an apology to any one else who may feel I have some way ( unintentionally ) hurt them or their sobriety.
If I said I wasn’t having “urges” to gamble I would be a liar. I am leaning on the tried and true. No cash, credit cards at home in case I get a wild hair and decide maybe a little gamble won’t hurt. “Caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances” as the book says.
I got the cancellation notice for Jen’s car insurance. I called her. I can’t pay it. I reminded her they can repo the car unless she reinstates so the ball is in her court. Today is a holiday and she can’t do it today but I will text her a reminded tomorrow.
Got a call from my friend who is in custody. He asked about my health then clarified my mental health. He has a lot of time on his hands. I think it just might make him a better person. He is very self centered. I sent him some self help books that he should get this week. I hope he finds them helpful.I can tell he is bored. He still has a long road ahead of him but there is nothing more I can do for him.
I have to learn to be selfish – not easy for a controlling co-dependent person but I am working on it. When I catch to behaviors I try to correct myself. I am powerless over people, places and things-especially gambling-it can control me and I can’t control it. I know because believe me when I tell you I have tried and tried!
Lots to do on this day off. I need to figure out what I would like to get done 1 hour at a time so its not so overwhelming!
bettie

[bettie]

You know it’s funny to find myself back in this position after so much time. I’m glad to see you’re on the site. Come back and post a few. Thanks for thinking about me.

[bettie]

Thanks guys.
I expect to be around on Thursday so if I am home I will join the groups.
Busy day and I didn’t make the meeting tonight. There are meetings around every night but none close until Thursday, I have plans for tomorrow pm so Wednesday could be a good night to pick up another meeting.
I haven’t talked to my friends sponsor-I do owe an apology to her and need to find the right words. My friend was a bit colder yesterday-and didn’t call today. Again, I will not beg-she has to get over herself. Charles is right-it speaks volumes about her own insecurity. Well I can only work on me-then I can save the world-lol!
I have picked up a bad habit of eating in the evening. I need to work on that.
bettie

[bettie]

Funny how things can change so quickly.
Some charges have been dropped on my friend and things are looking up for him. He has always been a bit erratic in his lifestyle-odd hours-not much structure. he has adult ADHD and can be really scattered. He said the detention center is some what like a casino-funny he used that analogy! For the first time in his life he has 3 meals a day, a hot shower and clean clothes. He has a private shower – a blessing for sure-and is free to go work out, watch TV play cards, read and he has the time to do it. I am able to mail him some books as long as they come from the source-I ordered self help and a Spanish-English dictionary so he can work on his English. He is fluent but has spelling issues and wants to take the time to improve himself. I (almost but not really) wish I had a break like that. He is also taking advantage of the medical there and is finally getting a through check up. I doubt he has had one in many many years.
I called my friend and talked to her. She seemed more at peace with what has happened and she was helpful and not hurtful and I am relieved. I hate to see anyone in pain, especially if I am the cause of it. I think she “gets it”-she couldn’t stop me and I alone am responsible for my actions.
I do plan on the Monday meeting.
I did some thrifting tonight and found a couple of items I picked up to sell that are quite valuable. I have a hand crafted piece if Italian pottery that is listed for $40. I paid $1.46~also some art prints for $8 that are listed for $60! now I just have to post and sell them.
After midnight-time for sleep.
bettie

[bettie]

I am baffled by her reaction but what you came up with does make some sense.
I do plan to reach out to her sponsor-she kind of got stuck in the middle.
I am stronger now than in the past and there was a time not so long ago that I would fall back into codependent behaviors and beg and beg forgiveness. I have grown and I have apologized and I am sorry, however, I will not allow myself to be beat up over this. I beat myself up enough being my own worse enemy most of the time.
My friend just called me from the detention center. He sounds good-one less worry.
God is Good!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey did you get that refund for the debit on your bank account? If not you only have 60 days to file a complaint at your bank and they will get the refund for you. Last year my daughter had an issue with an unauthorized payment and after 3 months they were still taking the payment. She waited too long and the bank only refunded her the last one.
Hope its all resolved.
bettie

[bettie]

I get it I get I get it!
not mad at ya P-Its just the frustration spilling out.
I am still upset-didn’t go to my home meeting. It felt a bit pointless. XXXX gave my “therapy” and xxx responded so what did I need to be there for? Well, thats how my CG mind saw it anyway.
I did text my friend yesterday, I still don’t really understand why she is so mad at me. If the tables were turned I would be sad for her and want to help-I wouldn’t be mad AT her. This is the reaction I expected and why I delayed going back to a meeting. Great excuse that my addictive voice screamed in my ears time after time. Oh well its done but sadly I am afraid this friendship is doomed. I will not beg her to be my friend. Not sure whats going to happen to our trip come November. We will both be out about $1000 and the cruse is not refundable. Time will tell.
Stress has taken me over. I am so tired. Came home from work and slept in my bed for about 2 hours. I think thats depression. There is a meeting tomorrow but the area is a bit shaky. There is a Monday meeting that I am inclined to go to.
I did catch “Desdemona” on FB yesterday and called her on the phone last night. She is hanging in there-good for her. I also got an email from Kathryn, speak at least weekly with Laura and of course talk to Debbie a couple times a week.
I am blessed and God is good all the time.
bettie

[bettie]

Well I was contemplating going to my “regular” meeting tonight but I got a text at 8 am as I was walking out the door. My “friend” apparently called her sponsor and she texted me this morning. I feel so betrayed – and this is a very nice woman-but my point being it was my story to tell. She said she wanted me to feel supported with the drilling I got from her.
“Hey, know you are loved and supported. Hang in there. Sometimes it helps to ask yourself the hard questions about what you are doing in recovery. Is it enough? What can u do differently? Are you only doing what is comfortable? Will you do what ever it takes or only what you are comfortable with? Are you surrendered? Most importantly ….do u want to get well? I hope you do because until u r 6 feet under there is always hope. What is past is past where r u headed is the thing that really matters. Agree?
I wasn’t positive who posted at first because I didn’t recognize the number. She texted back her name and I responded
“Sorry I wasn’t the one to talk to you. Thats how it should have been. I’m going to work-take care” I was too ticked off to say much-
She responded “I understand. XXXXX is taken aback and reached out. Remember no one is more for u than we are. We care because we care. Talk sometime soon?”
My response” I told her yesterday before the meeting out of respect for her feelings. I didn’t want her to hear 2nd hand. This is not about her. I feel gossiped about and judged. No need for me to give a “therapy”since its been given for me. Am I mad? Yes. do I feel supported? You can answer that for me.”
Response from her ” No gossip just concern. wanted to reach out and offer support. Will keep u in my prayers. Wish you the best.”
Did I overreact? Maybe but I am so upset.
Is her recovery so shakey that she can’t hear someone’s relaspe put her in danger?
This is the reaction I was afraid of. I called my friend last night when I left the meeting and she raged on and on about all the people who didn’t do the steps-they are just kidding themselves and will relapse. You can’t do this without a sponsor. These people you talk to- your just kidding yourself. etc. etc.
I’m frustrated.
bettie

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