[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I did go to a meeting tonight. I didn’t want to but made myself go. Yesterday was way too close a call for me!
I was up in pain last night so I was up at 2am taking a pain pill. Sure enough the idiots next door came home and were very loud in the parking lot. I noticed a beer can on the balcony this morning. I put in ear plugs and went back to bed and was able to go back to sleep. I called the assocation-again-and they are tired of hearing from me. TOO BAD! The new girl down stairs is 8 & 1/2 month pregnant. I saw her in the hallway and introduced myself. I told her about the issue and she said she was too afraid to call the management company. I told them about her today too. With a new baby she doesn’t want to be woke up either. I hope she called today too.
Thanks for all your replys. I feel like a rat fink since I have not been returning posts and it is kind of you all to care about me.
I have to arrange the physical therapy. I will just charge it Carole. I owe about $1000 on my card but it is the only one I am using. Maybe I will get a little tax refund and can pay it off again.
My tree is up but not decorated. Maybe tomorrow.
nite friends!
bettie

[bettie]

Well I was right!
I thought the MRI tech’s reaction to my test was odd-my regular Dr called me at 8:15pm to give me the test results. I have 2 protruding disks that are causing a narowing of my spinal cord hence the pinched nerve hence the pain. I asked if there was a surgery for that and he said no good one. Physical therapy, pain meds. Thats it. I am a bit stunned as this type of injury is usually the result of a car accident. The only accident I have had was when I hurt my knee in June. Some of you know the awful details of that experance-but there are a lot of details I had forgotten. I was tripped and hit the ground that evening too and I can’t help but wonder if that is what did this to me.
I almost gambled today. I went to go look at the new VTL’s at the bowling alley but had enough sense to turn around and leave. I’m not in a good place right now. I feel like I will be crippled soon so why not gamble? Doesn’t seem like such a big deal any more.
I know I am feeling sorry fo myself and this will pass. I am just stunned right now.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Gee Carole I seem to have missed your calls-and I didn’t get the message or I would have called you back.
I had my MRI last night. It was really a pain in the backside! I had to itch my head after one of the 3 minutes of the test and I guess I moved my neck and they had to start over! Very distressing! I felt like I was in a coffin! I am glad it is over. The tech who did my test asked when I would see my Dr again and I told her I was to call and make n appointment after I took the test. My mind says she saw something alarming but that could also be the drama queen in me. It is what it is and I will find out soon enough. Dr gave me muscle relaxant and narcotic pain killers, which I try not to take unless I am already in pain at bed time. I am also wearing my carpel tunnel hand brace at night. The pain comes and goes-some days are almost pain free-others not so good. I need to start physical therapy but I was waiting for the MRI and of course some money as it will cost me $30 a session for 2-4 sessions for 4-6 weeks. With Christmas and Jenn now being cut off of unemployment money is getting hard to come by. I had so hoped to save my little ebay money but as always it seems like I can never save. When I get even a little ahead the money is never mine to keep.
My niece is still in treatment and will be there until the insurance says no more. I have been with my brother alot-he seems a bit better so I guess his anti depressant is working. I have been trying to get him to speak to a councler so he has better tools to deal with this child. She is very materal and manipulative and he doesn’t know what he should or should not say to her. The insurance had paid out over $50K in her treatment since June and my brother had paid over $15k out of his pocket.
As far as recovery goes I have not been going to meetings and the only real recovery work I have been doing is the step work that I am doing with my buddy on the phone on Sundays. I am being lazy and complancent and I know it but after almost 3 years of recovery I am tired of even thinking about gambling. I hate hate hate it! It took so much from me or should I say I "gave" it so much of me? Either way I am afraid I would be there today, numb, drunk and stupid if not for the lack of cash. But self distruction is not on my agenda today. I have too much to do.
I have started wearing ear plugs to bed in case the neighbors "act up". I had the police here last Saturday at 3 and 4 am. I have filed a complaint with the condo assocation and was told her landlord is receiving  a find. They have been quite since that time so maybe they got the message? Not sure but really, I need my sleep. I get really stressed out at bed time just thinking that I will have another confrontation with them.
Neck is hurting so time to get off the PC.
Take care you guys. I am reading even if I am not posting.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very slow day at work. One of my elderly customers called me, saying she needed to get in to cash a check and get a deposit in to her account. I asked her if she wanted me to come over and bring her some cash and pick up her deposit. She was pleased that I would do that for her. She is almost 90 and nearly blind. She told me whenever someone took her to the bank she had to give them $25 dollars to take her. She asked if I needed some money and I told her of course not-I was on the clock and she wasn’t that far away. Besides, I might get old some day and maybe someone will help me out.
 She is an old time Evangelist-she was certified in California sometime in the 1950’s. She told me how she was filled with the Holy Spirit and told me about how good God is. She also told me the Nativaty story from a biblical view point. She was so beatiful and sincere. So here is this Old blind lady, struggeling to pay a mortgage her deceased husband took on the house, living alone in the kind of neighborhood where you have bars on the windows and security doors double locked in order to be safe. Greatful, happy and independent. I think her incredible belief in " a power greater than herself" gets her  through the day.
I envy her.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
As promised I am posting today Carole! lol!
After my restless sleep last night I am a bit groggy today. I must have been sleeping on my left side as I woke with such pain in my shoulder that I couldn’t easily roll off of it. Can’t wait to get my approval for my MRI so I can go foward with some kind of treatment.
I am off to visit my gf for a bit. My brother wanted me over but I told him I would stop by later. My home is a pigsty but If I stay home I won’t do much anyway.
Maybe I will finish my Christmas shopping today. It is so much easier since I have eliminated most gift giving with the exception of family and have put on a moterate spending limit. It’s easier to buy gifts than try to "win" money to buy bigger and better ones! lol! Hard to believe that some of us thought that was possible!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Not much news from the specalist. Physical therapy, ( $30 a session ) pain meds. the usual. I need an MRI but need approval from the insurance first. They poked and pulled on me and now I am as sore as heck! Looking foward to a drug induced sleep.
Just on FB and my GF posted a picture of her beautiful niece with the caption "Rest in Peace". That girl was only 27! I don’t know what happened but it sure is sad.
Thanksgiving here tomorrow. Happy Turkey Day! I am going to my sisters tomorrow to eat and be a slug.
I am ready for bed.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for your posts. Neck pain not too bad today but yesterday-just awful.
I convinced my boss to give me Saturday off so I will have 4 days in a row off. I haven’t told the family that I will be off Saturday-I’m keeping that to myself. I need a day to myself.
Went to my brothers after work. He has a week off, bad timing in my opinion. His Dr gave him anti depressants and they are making him sick to his stomach. That is normal and should pass. He only had eaten crackers for lunch so I took him out for dinner. He went right home after. He has an appointment to talk to his daughters counclers tomorrow. He is just worried sick. His Dr recommed he see a therapist for him self and I agree. He is afraid to spend a dime-as he has already spent almost $20 thousand in co payments for his daughters treatments. Just outragious! Thats a big chunk of his retirement savings and at his age he has no idea how he will make that up.
Off to the spine specialist tomorrow.
Someone from my group finally contacted me to see what was up.( I have not been to a meeting in weeks) She texted me. I told her she could call. She texted back. The pestimist in me says she just wanted the gossip-to see if I was gambling. You know the assumption is if you stop going to meetings you have "failed". Sorry if I dissapointed anyone. Somehow I feel "cured". LOL! It complancey I know but I am too sore-crabby-busy-etc to even think about gambling.
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thought I would post as I have been home all afternoon and my phone has not rung even once.
See thats the sneeky thing about being a cg. Lonelyness was always a great excuse to drive off to the casino and the thought did cross my mind.
I went grocery shopping and noticed all the Christmas stuff out. The thought that yet another year has past, another year older, and still here I am, alone. Thoughts of the things that lead to my new years gambling were also on my mind too. I don’t want the gambling life, I just can’t afford it on many levels, but yet on a night like tonight it would have been something to do.
To "play the tape" I would have drank too much, spent money I didn’t have, cash advanced any credit I might have found, then spent the night and all of tomorrow sick with regret and worry of "what the hell do i do now?"
Too much stress with my brother, too much stress at work-having accounts taken from me-because my appointment came in while i was at lunch and didn’t want to wait! Being berated by the bosses "girl" because a customer that she made an error on will not accept having her account charged and blaming me because I was obligated to do the report! New neighbor waking me at 5am talking loud outside on her balcony which is about 10 feet from my bedroom window, calling the cops, then having to address her and her guy friends myself at 5:45 am when they did it again! I don’t need this aggravation and I threatened to file a complaint with the condo assocation board. God, I don’t want to fight with the neighbors!
Neck pain starting up so it’s time to get off the pc.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Larry and congrats on yet another month gamble free.
It is very hard not to get caught up in the "what if’s" e g "if I hadn’t gambled Jan 1st I would be looking back at 2years 3 months "clean"- instead of just a couple months. I think that looking back can cause me more issues-so now I just try to look foward.
but it ain’t always easy….
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
So nice to see posts! I am such a slug these days.
My appt is next Wednesday but I wish it was tomorrow. Bad neck pain most of today. Sleeping is tough. I finally got comfortable enough to sleep and my knee started hurting! I bought new reclining sofa and loveseat just in time Reds as thats where I wind up. I got maybe 5 solid hours last night and i am pooped.
Sherry I sure could have used that deposit as I am really down on all my goals for this quarter! Well I refuse to worry because it makes no difference. I’ll just do my best, thats all anyone can ask.
I did get a bug up my butt to cook yesterday and I made chili, chicken soup, meatloaf and the best Pumpkin cranberry walnut muffins ever! I dropped food off as a suprise for my brother and he was really pleased that I did it for him. I did it for myself too but none the less he enjoyed having home cooked food when he got home.
Daughter is here to watch "Sons of Anarchy".
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Sorry for not posting as I have been really in a funk. My brother has nearly had a breakdown-the center that his daughter is in sent him a promise note to the tune of $45 thousand dollars. He flipped out. I have never seen this man in tears before-even at our dad’s funeral. I stepped in and took control. I called the insurance company after hours and got him some much needed info. I gave him a course of action to follow and even though it will cost him about $7 thousand he is willing to pay almost anything he can to get his daughter healthy. I got him dinner and litterly sedated him and got him to make a dr appointment for himself on Monday. I told him it was OK to ask for some help, thats what we pay these doctors for after all!
I was in a lot of pain today and since my Dr hadn’t called me about my x-rays I called him. The nurse told me to hold for the Dr-which is never a good thing-and I waited about 20 munites. Not good news I am afraid. He gave me some big medical term which I asked him to spell. (I don’t think he knew how to spell it!) He told me I had degenerative disk disease, that I have arthritis in my neck, and I have two disks that are hitting each other. He said I need an MRI and he referred me to a spinal specalist and I have an appointment the 21st.
I am just discusted!
bettie

[bettie]

Originally posted by paul315

 At the closing when we lined up in a circle to light a candle by the flame of the one before us, a circle beginning with the one with the most uninterrupted clean time and ending with the one with the less, it was an emotional experience for me to be at the end and not nearer the middle.
 

            Hi Larry!
            If you remember I had the same reseveratations at the Chicago GA conference. I put up one of the last "bricks"   in the construction wall. I didn’t want to be so "low in the ranks"-esp since members outside of my regular group did know of my falling off the wagon.
I really did just stop by to thank you for your post on my thread. Your advice has always ment a lot to me. In an odd way I think it means even more to me now. Like you when I went to gamble on January 1st I had no thought to do it before hand. No urges, just a "what the F***! My life is awful so who cares if I gamble or not! It doesn’t matter because I don’t matter!
You being active on GT proves a point to all of us cg’s-Just because we " failed" at perfect recovery abstinence dosen’t make us "failures", unless of course we choose to be.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’ve not been posting but I’ve not been gambling either-which is good. The bad part is that I have been having lots of thoughts about gambling here and there. The have made poker machines legal in the bars and clubs here now and the bowling alley that’s just down the hill has some machines. I so want to go "look" at them-which is a joke. I want to try "just 20 bucks" and see what happens-and we all know where that would lead. It’s never "just 20".
Lots of issues on the homefront. I have been spending more time with my brother. His daughter is going into a 45 day inpatient treatment center for her "eating disorder". Frankly I am pretty sure she is bypolor. She told my daughter some pretty lousey stuff her mother told her about her dad-my brother. All lies. Told her that my brother left the marrage because her DIDN"T WANT HER! My daughter set her straight-that her MOTHER had an affair with the neighbor and destroyed her own marrage! What a b*tch! My niece is high strung, and suffers with the "worthless" feelings that seem to run in the family. I guess she acts out with her eating like I act out with my gambling. Her mom also told her that she didn’t want her to be fat like all of her dad’s family. Nice!
Got a clear report on my stress test. Still waiting for info about my neck x-ray. My right had is so numb that typing is difficult. The pain wakes me at night. The pain in the left arm is annoying also. My range of motion is affected and it is hard to even dress myself some days.This seems to be getting worse so I hope to have some answers . I hope that I can see a pain specalist soon.
My brother in law lost another job-my sister is frantic. My niece ( her daughter ) has a cist on her ankle bone and may need surgery. Not real sure how this will all work out.
Well I need to get something done today. So much going on in my head I don’t know where to start.
I still love my car!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Good to see u posting CC!
Just pondering some thoughts I have had today about things I have learned in relaspe and recovery.
Gambling doesn’t fix anything-it makes the pain worse. The days where it was "fun" have been over for YEARS.
The pain is waiting for you-that is the constant.
The "gambling" me is selfish, self centered, and does foolish things that the "real" me would not consider.
"Bottoms have basements." Time to remodel from the basement ( the "gambler ) up ( my "higher power" ).
Cg’s are not bad people-we are people with a bad illiness.
When I get past the sad feelings I come away stronger.
I don’t like the person I became when I was "in action".
Just because I am broke doesn’t mean I am broken.
I am right where I am suppost be-even if I don’t understand why.
Surrender is freedom.
The time to set barriers is long before we need them.
I need more sleep!
lol!!
bettie
 
 

[bettie]

Ha ha vera!
Yes, he is a "gambler" – HUGH CG in my opinion however my opinion doesn’t matter-only he can make that call for himself. He is a customer that I went out with a time or to-we never gambeled together. He bets horses and gets an odd look on his face when he talks about it.
Funny how the selling goes. I have a Las Vegas tablecloth posted that has a bidding war going on. Up to around $20 right now. They can have it- i don’t need it. Also some vintage glassware-big in Japan as my bidder is willing to pay $100 USD to have it shipped to him!
Who knew??
bettie

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