[bettie]

Thanks everyone.
Getting ready to go, no coffee! Not a nice way to start.
We didn’t freeze so the roads should be good. More snow later today.
bettie

[bettie]

Tx Ican,
I called my GF and she said no problem-but she can’t spend the night. I will enlist Jen to stay.
Prayers seemed to work fast.
We really are getting a lot of snow. Hope roads do get cleared tonight.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Just very frustrated. My flakey cousin is flaking out about the weather and doesn’t want to come over to take me for my surgery tomorrow. I just texted Jen and asked her to take off tomorrow. Surgery center called-said I should have been off some of me meds-for the last 5 days! No communication from this stupid Dr’s office!
I don’t need more stress.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
How fortunate we are to have the internet as a tool for our recovery! I have been able to find so many things to help me that I may never have known about.
I am on my first day off leading up to my surgery. I made a couple fruitless calls today as no one is in to answer calls until Monday. I hope it is all setteled by then. I took care of my blood work today and called my friend for a haircut and she was glad to do it. ( I did a bit of chopping myself-not a good thing~lol! ) I also had to do my ex asst managers hair, color and cut, and my neck and shoulder is in agony.
Funny that on the way to my gf’s house I had a surge of a gambling urge ( no one will know, no one would know, ). I knew I had a comitment which helped and the fact that I had no cash on hand helped too. In retrospect I know that came from the stress about the surgery, nothing being finalized, and thinking if I am doing the right thing as my left arm isn’t too bad right now. I am getting chicken I guess and I am stressing about it. My friend asked why are you doing this, my daughter telling me I don’t want you to have surgery. I guess they are freaking me out a bit too. I just keep telling everyone it will be fine, so it will be.
bettie

[bettie]

 
Hi Guys,
Carole looks like you posted about when I did! I just saw your note. As far as i know surgery is still on for the 27th,
Larry, as always, your posts are so well thought out. I was confusted on my "bottom out" date too- I thought last month that I was in Febuary and posted a bit about how I was feeling then. In Reality Today is the Date, the day when I wasted two paychecks that I had not even earned yet. The night I spent in a restless panic attack. The night I gave serious thought of how to end my life.
   "Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me"
I called off work the next morning, the 22th of Feburary 2010, sick, hungover, terrified. I googled Gambling Help and found GT and Harry on the helpline. Thank God! Thank God!
 "I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I SEE"
Progress not perfection, a work in progress, ODAAT, insanity-doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome, as broken as I am God still has a plan and purpose for me-and he Loves me.
Just a few things I learned that day.
My life is far from perfect. My health has declined and I have yet to find that financial relief but is my life better today? I would have to say yes.
Velvet I couldn’t agree with you more. "Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers".
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice to see you back and posting Lizbeth. Feels odd to be refered to as a "mentor". It’s very flattering but I am just another CG trying to muddle through this mad illiness just like everyone else.
Today is my brother’s oldest daughters 21 birthday. He was so scared! I was the birthing coach as he refused to be anywhere near when the time came. I held my sil’s hand as they forcept delivered my niece. Poor mom, just in agony. They pulled so hard I thought the babys head would pop off! My niece still bares a slight distortion where the forcept pressed on the side of her face. When it was all said and done I went to get my brother who so greatly wanted a son. He was pouting, didn’t want to see the baby! I told him to get his *ss in there and go thank his wife and go fall in love with his beautiful daughter. He did, and he did cry tears of joy when he saw her! She became his "little buddy" and he took that girl everywhere with him.
I know he would be so proud of her. I miss him as much today as the day he left us. Hard to believe he’s gone 11 years in July.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I decited to skip my meeting tonight because my sister had called last week to invite me out for dinner. When I got off work I called her cell and it just rang and rang. I knew she was suppost to get her hair done so I thought she couldn’t pick up. I called my niece’s cell to see what was up and I asked her what she was doing. Washing dinner dishes she says. Really? Seems their plans changed and they went Yesterday-and forgot about me. I just said oh. She said her mom hadn’t mentioned me coming along for dinner after they got their hair done. I told her it was OK-and cried the rest of the way home.
I walked in the door to my phone ringing. It was my sister apologizing. I told her it was OK. She offered to come stay with me the Friday after my surgery. She offered to have my mom come stay with me too. I told her I needed someone who could help me. My mom can barely make it up my stairs and frankly I would rather be alone. Shameful of me but it is the truth. She drives me crazy.
I feel so unlovable-I know it’s hormones but it really sucks to be forgotten. I know too these feeling drove me to the casino more that once.
Guess I should go eat.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Valentines day-just a day to make lonely people feel bad I think, Sour grapes-yep, no doubt about it. Had someone tell me "what a special day it is for some people" I said yea and I sure wasn’t one of them! I hung up the phone and cried for an hour.Then I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself no wonder I’m alone. Who in their right mind would want that? Hormones suck.
Just read an artical about a ex politican in California who stole from charity to gamble. Her wagers totaled over 1 BILLION, and her net loss $13 MILLION. Of course she was going to pay that back when she "won". She blames it on a brain tumor. I think that is the strongest denial I have ever heard of. They are delaying her jail time to give her a chance to "pay the money back". Really? Maybe she has a "system" yet to try. I did not see the words "compulsive gambler" in there anywhere.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
Just wanted to let everyone know that you in New Orleans. Hope you had a nice trip and look foward to seeing you post.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very generous offer Carole! Maybe you can come in for the GA conference if you are interested in that this year. I should be able to attend-hopefull I will be somewhat healed by then. It’s in April. I should be off until around the 22nd so you could stay longer and maybe really see part of the city this time. My birthday is the 20th of March.
My cousin sent a one line answer- I will take you. Well beggars can’t be choosers so hopefully she doesn’t mind too much. Jen flat out said she doesn’t want to take off work but another friend said she would come over every day to feed my cats if i can’t manage to open the cans and she can run errands. My brother will do the heavy lifting-grocerys, laundry etc. I am going to hate accepting help-but what else can I do?
Doing laundry, cleaning and doing some stock up shopping today. Gonna buy all the caned cat food I can get because there is only 1 brand I buy them. If you give cats a choice of food they get picky so I only feed them one kind.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Very frustrating dealing with this Doctor. They finally called today ( were suppost to call last Thursday ) and booked my surgery, Unless they find a reason to reschedule I will have it Feb 27th. My primary care Dr has already signed off so I may just need more current blood work. I have to get hold of my cousin to see if she is able to help if not I have a girlfriend that might be able to do it. Worse case I’ll have to ask Jenny to get a day off work. I hate to do that since she just started that job.
This place is a pig sty and I really need to get on the ball in the next week. I will not have use of my left arm for at least a couple weeks, and then it will be limited.
I have been trying to talk myself out of doing surgery at this point but I have been having sharp pain every so often today. Just a reminder I guess. Will be glad when this is taken care of.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Williame,
You have a valid point. When I started recovery I assumed, incorrectly, that my life would just get better overnight. How wrong I was!
The good news is when we confront the past, "peal the onion" as it were, thats when real recovery begins. As we learn new coping tools we will find that gambling is not the fix we once thought it was, and we "grow up". 
Most people find that the heavy urges seem to stop at the 6 month mark. Look how far you have come!
bettie 

[bettie]

Hi Larry,
I had to laugh at the youtube video!
Couldn’t help but wonder had you gone looking for it or had you found it before?
Hope you have a wonderful trip!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I am in a foul mood. I did my income taxes tonight. Not good, not good at all. I had the last distribution from my retirement plan that I cashed in due to my gambling. Once I started taking it I could not stop until it was gone. I paid bills etc and of course the money had been spent for months. I swear I thought I had withheld more taxes. I owe the goverment-big time!
I think what bugs me the most it I know how people cheat the goverment, claim kids that are not theirs, and get thousands in refunds-on top of the fact that some are self employed and never even pay income taxes in the first place.
I considered some of the things I might do, things I have done in the past and decited I would just be honest and not cheat-so why don’t I feel good about it?
I have 3 choises. 1. Try for a hardship withdrawl from my 401K ( and have to pay additional taxes on that next year! )
2. Try for a loan ( that I can’t really afford ) or 3. Max out the little bit of credit that I have open.
I can do a payment arrangement with the goverment-but If I missed a payment with them they could freeze my bank account and really screw me up!
Just here living the "American Dream"=lol!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Reds,
Congrats on your new baby grandson.
My down stairs neighbor’s little guy is always asleep when I see him. I came home yesterday to a note "from Noah". His mom left a note and said maybe I would like to see what he looks like a awake and gave me his birth anouncement. Such a sweet beautiful baby.
bettie

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