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  • in reply to: Woke up wishing I was dead today #19754
    bettie
    Participant

     
     
     
     Hi Guys, thought it was time to repeate this-a classic if I must say!
    ENOUGH!

    A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

    Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

    You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always
    fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

    You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

    You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

    You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

    You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power
    and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

    You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

    You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

    You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

    You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

    You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

    And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

    You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
    More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

    You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get
    what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

    And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
    and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

    Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

    Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

    — AUTHOR UNKNOWN
    (But dearly appreciated)
     

    in reply to: Feeling hopeful #15283
    bettie
    Participant

    I am jealous!
    Glad you had a good time. Chicago would have paled on comparison!
    Bettie

    in reply to: Woke up wishing I was dead today #19750
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi guys,
    Posting on my phone so no telling what word it will change!
    Good news to report. I contacted the insurance about the bill from the knock out Dr. They will fix that one as she should have paid so I only owe the in network price. That should save me hundreds off dollars.I might go to the beach even if I have to go alone. Last good sunny day before rain.
    Yes Larry it is good not to have gambling regrets. The last aventure into the casino resulted in me seeing a member of my group. He has yet to make it back and I am sorry now my shame kept me from saying something to him. All I can do is pray for those still suffering
    bettie
    PS I have duplicated most of the things I do in therapy and they tell me I am now way ahead of most others at this stage. I will not get a second chance to fix this shoulder and I an determined to have my arm back 100% 🙂
    — 5/8/2013 3:51:08 AM: post edited by bettie.

    in reply to: 7 years and recovery #11661
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Sherry,
    Just wanted to say hi!
    I loved feeding the calves on my unckles dairy farm! Such a treat for a city girl!
    bettie

    in reply to: Woke up wishing I was dead today #19747
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Guys,
    Always good to see some posts.
    Larry I saw Phantom back in 1992 in Chicago. What a show!
    P I am glad to see you posting-always a good sign!
    Rg just tickeled that you are back.
    Deb if we lived closer you would tire of me!
    Cat look foward to seeing you again my friend.
    Vera, so glad to see you taking positive steps and taking care of YOU!
    I think it’s going to take months and months to sort through all the Doctor bills. I need to protest some of the bills as the insurance should have paid some of them as in network. Really need to be an insurance expert to know whats right and wrong. My physical therapy has been cut to 2x a week-due to insurance issues.
    I am not looking foward to going back to work but I am physicaly ready. I have good movement and little pain. I am sure that will change as I get back into the swing of working 40 hours. My assistant manager has been fired so it will be intersting.
    I have done nothing about finding a therapist ( mental health ). I know I need it, just afraid to do it. I cry at 12 step meetings. They might have to carry me out of an individual session!
    I think i need to start changing my thoughts from physical recovery to gambling recovery. There have been more than a few times that I might have gambeled when I was off work-if I had the money. Thats a scary thought!
    bettie

    in reply to: Life goes on…. #10683
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Vera,
    I wish I could take credit for you not gambling today. I just posted the reminder, you did the work!
    Trying to do a lot of stuff before I am back at work next week. It will be different as the assistant manager was let go last Thursday. Just taking deep breaths and trying not to stress about it.
    bettie

    in reply to: Looking For Understanding and Hope #1779
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Juju,
    You will find your post moved to the family and friend forum. There you will meet the Lovely Velvet-and a number of other partners that share your situtation.
    I am a compulsive gambler. Much like a **** addict we will do most anything to get our "fix". In the throws of "being in action" we can be very convincing ***rs. We have praticed that skill for years. We even *** to ourselves-"This is it, I’ll never do it again",etc. The sad part is we mean it when we say it-that is until the urge strikes again and we find ourselves back in front of a slot machine swearing that yet again this will be tha last time.
    I think you will find that his love for you is very seperate for his **** for gambling. It’s like a mistress in reality. I often described "my machine" as an abusiver lover who took all I had and left me wanting and kicked me to the curb until I could find the next "gift" ( cash) to give him.
    I wish you the best Juju. I hope by reading here in the forums you will see that you are not alone, and that there is hope for a better life.
    bettie

    in reply to: Feeling hopeful #15275
    bettie
    Participant

    Have a great time you two!
    bettie

    in reply to: Life goes on…. #10678
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Vera,
    Hind sight is always 20/20.
    Had I stayed the course I was on five years ago I might be dead by now. In fact, I never dreamed I would make it to 50, which I have.
    I was glad to find you here 3 years ago when I found GT. I’m glad to find you here now .
    bettie

    in reply to: Progress not perfection #10747
    bettie
    Participant

    Hang in there P!
    The longer you are away from the bet the easier it gets.
    Don’t choose to gamble, choose peace of mind!
    bettie

    in reply to: Woke up wishing I was dead today #19741
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Guys,
    Well time does fly when you are having fun! Deb treated me like a queen. And yes, her apartment is very cozy, cute and comfortable. Her grand baby is the sweetest thing. I listened in while she rocked and sang her to sleep. I couldn’t help but think that Jen’s baby would have been about the same age. Maybe some day, when the time is right, I’ll get my chance to spoil a little grand of my own.
    bettie

    in reply to: Woke up wishing I was dead today #19739
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Guys,
    Thanks for the posts P and Vera!
    Well I will try to make it to Deb’s-again! No worries about gambling. The casino that is near by is one I am also banned from.
    GOOD NEWS! I will get paid tomorrow! That surely helps!
    Still no word on my incentive pay but the last time one of the tellers saw it posted I was at 180%. That seems about right to me. It won’t be $13K , not even close, but it will be welcome. Dr bills rolling in now. I should be back at work in about 2 & 1/2 weeks.
    Recovery from surgery is coming right along. Arm is about 70%-will start weight training in about 3 weeks. I still can’t lift or raise my elbow straight out but it will work in time.
    bettie

    in reply to: BELIEVE (new thread) #23655
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Kathryn,
    Sorry that you have that feeling but glad you posted about it.
    At this stage I go weeks and maybe months without urges and BAM, the thoughts hit. Sometimes it as simple as blow drying my hair and looking in the mirror, because that was one of the "games" my brain played to justify going to gamble. "If xxxx doesn’t call by the time I am done doing xxxx then I am going to the casino. I deserve a night out, no one cares, etc."
    This is a lousy disorder really. Sneeky b*stard!
    A urge will never hurt us-unless we act on it.
    Love ya K!!
    bettie

    in reply to: Woke up wishing I was dead today #19736
    bettie
    Participant

    Hi Guys,
    Fred Rodgers was show was known as "Mr Rodgers Neighborhood". It was on public television in the US. Lots of people thought he was very nerdy but I always thought he has a nice message for kids-unlike most of the crap shows on TV today.
    Finally got leave adminstration to extend my leave until May 10th. The "witch", for lack of a better word, stalled it just long enough that I won’t get another check for 3 weeks. Looks like I will be paying late next month. Oh well, it is what it is.
    Got an invite for the weekennd so I am going! I have been looking foward to it for some time.
    Can’t wait to see the colors in her apartment……….
    bettie

    in reply to: Woke up wishing I was dead today #19734
    bettie
    Participant

    I found this very comforting. Mr Rogers has been gone for years but I watched his show with my daughter when she was little.
    I think this goes for recovery too-"Look for the helpers".
    bettie

Viewing 15 posts - 406 through 420 (of 1,601 total)