[bettie]

Hi Carole,
Talk about denial! The way you describe Danny is like a little kid-promise everything then when he doesn’t get his way he sticks out his tounge and stomps his feet!
I do believe he thinks this is a phase you are going through and that you will change your mind. Maybe try and call his bluff-tell him to start anger management and marrige consulling and in a few months you might consider some kind of relationship.
I would guess that would cool his heels for a bit!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Carole,
Change is painful thats for sure!
Just remember all the trials and tribulations are just life happening-not happening to you! It’s easy to fall into a pity party when so much happens at one time. Our addiction loves that path-makes it easy to justify a little "gamble" to make us feel better-lol!. We know where that leads!
Did you open a new FB account? I don’t see you posting anything there and you are on my "friends" list. If that is the case could you refriend me?
bettie

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

 
Hi Guys,
I think this will be the 2nd reading.
bettie
In Between

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in between.

One of the hardest parts of recovery is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don’t want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for God to fill them.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need to first let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird in hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in between can apply to many areas of life and recovery. We can be in between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life, such as caretaking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we’re in between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what’s ahead. These are normal feelings for the in between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in between isn’t fun, but it’s necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we’re standing still, but we’re not. We’re standing at the in between place. it’s how we get from here to there. It is not the destination.

We are moving forward, even when we’re in between.

Today, I will accept where I am as the ideal place for me to be. If I am in between, I will strive for the faith that this place is not without purpose, that it is moving me toward something good.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990
 
 
 

[bettie]

More reruns from the vaut-
Originally posted by bettie

 
Hi Guys,
Glad you guys like the posts-you know I got them from here on GT.
I think this will be the 3rd and final reading-a classic in my book!
ENOUGH!

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always
fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power
and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get
what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

— AUTHOR UNKNOWN
(But dearly appreciated)
 
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Originally posted by bettie

 
  
 Hi Guys,
Just working on some readings for my pinning. I found this early in my GT days and it means alot to me. It helped me understand myself a bit better.
   
I copied this from Marilee’s thread. It speaks so much truth ( at least to me ) that I almost cried when I read it.
I would recomend having someone to whom you are trying to explain this illiness to read it.
Thanks Marilee, hope you are ok where ever you are. 
  
It often crosses my mind that being an addict is like trying to communicate with a deaf world.  You are trying and trying to say the words, but no one can hear you.  It is a disease of incredible loneliness, isolation, secrecy, fear and depression.  Since you don’t walk with crutches, have a cast, bandages or bruises, others do not know you are sick. In the beginning, you don’t know you are sick either.  It may be more visible to others who notice your mood, your unhappiness, your withdrawal, than it is to you.  Make no mistake – the denial of a problem is protecting the addict from a pain they are not ready to handle.  With all addictions, moving from denial is a risky process.  It involves putting your relationships, your self-esteem, your sanity on the line.  To get from denial to acknowledgement, those who surround you need to understand this:  gambling is NOT about the money.  Money is only the tool that helps us continue to use a coping mechanism to deal with negative emotions.  The power of the addiction is that, in the beginning, this tool worked amazingly well.  In the beginning, a casino feels like a safe place.  No one asks anything of you, the lights and noise distract your thoughts, for one hour or ten, you have nothing to do but sit and press a button that randomly rewards you.  Go back to any Psychology 101 class and you will find that it is proven that random rewards are far more powerful in sustaining the behavior.  This would be an ideal solution, except that – like an alcoholic who needs more and more alcohol to get drunk – a gambler needs to go more often to shut off the negative emotions and the anxiety, depression and despair that those emotions cause.  Eventually, the financial losses accumulate, and you add yet another layer of problems to the many you already couldn’t cope with.  In many ways, it is easier to see the financial problems as the only ones you really have.  There isn’t a gambler out there who doesn’t say "if only I could win $10,000 my problems would be solved".  Well, they would be solved on one level – relief from the stress of unpaid bills, collection calls, legal action – but the reasons why you gamble have not been addressed and you would begin the cycle all over again.
Gamblers are both alike and different.  We are alike because we have chosen a coping mechanism for psychological pain that, without question, will lead to financial ruin, destruction of relationships and often death.  We are alike because we all play a negative tape in our heads – "I am stupid", "I am worthless", "If anyone really knew me they would not love me"; and on and on it goes.  We are only different in the life situations that cause us to have the negative emotions.
What can those who are close to a gambler do?  Perhaps it is easier to list what I believe they should not do.  Do not judge, belittle or demean us.  That is what we do to ourselves in our head.  Words like "shocked" "disappointed" "angry" will not help us.  They will increase the negative emotions, and increase the drive to release that pressure by gambling more.  Do not place the blame for your emotions on us.  "You hurt me because you lied" "You have taken my trust".  We can’t deal with our own emotions, how in God’s name are we supposed to deal with yours?  Those close to a gambler need to work concurrently with us – find your own outlet and help for your emotions while we are dealing with ours.  We are not indifferent to how those around us are feeling, we are simply not capable of helping them.  Do not expect a gambler to tell you why they gamble.  For some it is a lifelong pursuit to understand it themselves.  At a minimum, it is a lengthy process of uncovering the many things in their past that brought them here.  Do not expect a gambler to just stop once they have acknowledged the gambling.  You are an addict for life.  Recovery often involves relapse.  Think of it this way – if someone tells you that you can never, ever have chocolate again, wouldn’t you run around and binge on it before it was gone?  A gambler is losing the only crutch they have and it is very scary.  Until other, different and healthy coping mechanisms are in place, we are terrified to be without our gambling crutch.
What can you do?  Always, always have compassion.  Someone you love is in terrible pain.  If they had a physical disease, you would unquestionably be there to support them.  But they have an emotional disease – and they need you even more.  Tell them you love them, need them, and want to suppport them to get well.  Don’t threaten them – "If you gamble again I am leaving".  Unless of course that is how you really feel.  If so, say it, mean it, do it.  This is an intensive battle for the gambler’s life.  If you’re not in it for the long haul, then get out of the way.  It is okay to place reasonable conditions on your support  – "I’ll drive you to your meetings but I won’t give you money" – but that doesn’t mean your love can be conditional. 
Respect the gambler.  There is no dignity in this disease.  We have spent a long time and a lot of energy creating a false mask for others in order to hide our disease and our pain.  Admitting you are an addict takes more courage than most people will ever know.  We deserve to be respected for this.
It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….
Looking for the Wisdom

Hi Guys,
With so many new folks (welcome!) on the forum it seems time for a repeat.
I am reading at a pinning tommorrow. I am honored! I was at this ladys first meeting-directed her to the room.
I am glad for her milestone!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well interesting weekend. My sister spent the night and vented off some steam. We talked alot. I gave her some compulsive gambling insite-she was really blown away-as we have never really talked about it. She can’t imagine spending the mortgage money-she even said "why couldn’t you just stop". I asked her why she can’t just stop smoking or just stop overeating. I told he the worst part was when "in action" being a cg is baffaling-the "real" me could never dream of doing it while the "cg" me had no control-and if I could get it I would spend it. I think she has a better understanding now. It is funny that the few who know have no idea just how bad this is. Two that I have confided in thought I was going to tell them I had a body buried somewhere! They are like-well it’s no big thing. That is fine really-because if they really understood I think they would be terrified. That is the good thing about group support-they get it and I don’t have to explain it.
We slept through some excitement-our club house in my condo complex had a fire last night. The interior is destroyed but the structure stands. The really bad part is the swiming pools filter and heater are housed in that building. I guess there will be no more pool this summer! Right now I have no gas, which means no stove and no hot water. i talked to the assocation president and he said that the gas company will not restore service until they can check every gas stove. Mine is newer and has no pilot light but if I am not home they are coming in with a locksmith tomorrow to check anyway. I guess I am staying home. If my cat Tiger runs out no one will be able to get him back in my unit.
bettie

[bettie]

Gotta laugh V,
We were glad no one pointed and laughed!
Nice evening, water was cool but the area is so beautiful!
Happy Sunday!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well today was not the best day. It started well enough as the boss is off until Sept 3rd. The asst got my goat as I went to take a loan application at a business and she called me after 50 minutes wanting to know where I was! I took a deep breath before I answered. WHF?? She doesn’t know the job, the branch was dead and I was busy doing my job! I told her I was on my way back-she said you have been gone since 3:30. I told her no, it was closer to 4pm and the time she called me was 4:45pm! I said no worrys-I was on my way. When I got back I smiled, sat at her desk, and asked her if she knew I was doing a 5 page application and what all had to be done. Frustration!
I went to my meeting and my friend restated how she had had a wonderful last minute invite to the lake cottage of one of the other members. It felt like my nose was being rubbed in it? Oh yea, forgot to mention that we had tentative plans to camp last saturday with my brother if he was going. My feelings were hurt when I text her to find out why she was a no show at the meeting last week and she said where she was. Next text was "are you camping tomorrow?" me-Don’t know yet-her "oh".That was it-no further contact till Sunday night when she called to say what a good time and what all they did etc. I thought we were becoming close friends but now it seems like she in just like most other people in my life-I’m good enough until something better or more interesting comes along.
My feelings are hurt. Can you tell?? I feel like a kid not invited to the party because that has happened to me before too.
I had gambling urges again yesterday-even borrowed money from Jen just in case I decited to go. Wound up calling another gf who said I could come by. At first  she didn’t want company but had a change of heart. God does help us because if she hadn’t had a change of heart my next stop was lunch then the casino.
Enough of that!
10years, if you are north of Illinois then no I never went to that casino. I did most of my damage in Indiana. Glad to see your post and welcome back!
Yea Carole I did pay for an office visit to get the first papers filled out.
Cat my kitties are my salvation most days. They make me laugh.
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well round one-HR totally blew me out of the water with the request-said it was Preference not a medical need. Doctor said it would take more game playing when I first approached him. I have to call him again and ask him to be more specefic about my medical NEEDS as apposed to my Wants.The HR person was such a snot. I am sure she works 9-5. Oh well she’s just doing her job and I need to be more proactive and stop thinking I don’t deserve to be accomodated.My addiction just loves this-it creates a perfect storm of self loathing and pitty that makes me depressed and want to gamble.
Attitude not so good today cat! lol!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Well today was the day I went to the Dr to have him fill out my paperwork for my accomodation for my schedule. Not so sure they will accept it-he left one part blank and his writing is so bad I can hardly make it out. He used abreavations for my Illinesses and even I had to look them up. Generalized Anaxity Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Hypertention, Insulin Dependent Diabetes Melitus,Vitimin D Defeciency, Hyperlipidema and something else I couldn’t make out.
I think it is a miracle I get out of bed in the morning most days!
Oh well is sounds bad but I feel good.
I guess thats what counts.
bettie

[bettie]

Saw this on FB and thought of you today!

[bettie]

Hi Debbie,
Sometimes life is like a country song.
"Well have you left the one you left me for? Did she hear like me that slamming door? Did you leave for good or just get bored? Well have you left the one you left me for."
Or maybe she did the leaving…..
What comes around goes around.
Smile!
bettie
 

[bettie]

It is ironic to see your post larry, as I had thought to "pull up" your thread and say hello!
Glad to see your continued recovery-and congrats on your 4 years in recovery. I, too, recognise my time in GT as the start of my "return to a normal way of thinking and living". I am greatful that GT was here for me the day I found out what "hitting bottom" felt like. It’s my answer to #20 of the 20 Questions and it is  resounding YES.
God puts people in our path, be it a time, reason or season. I am glad that he made you "one of those people".
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Carole,
It’s odd in a way. I just had a conversation with my sister. We talked about when we lived together and bought the condo downstairs together. At the time she told the realitor "some day I want a really big house" and he told her be careful what you wish for. She said givin all the problems she has had since she moved in she wished she was still in our little condo.
Big life changes do make us want to run to the old familiar places. It’s like me STILL talking to the FWB-after all the pain and sadness he has brought into my life. I cling to the good ***** I have had with him, the few ***** when he was supportative to me, and the deep down belief that I can’t seem to shake that I won’t find anyone else, period.
I doubt that my sister staying at the condo would have made her happier. Life’s trials and tribulations happen anyway.
I think Ruffus will be happy with a family to love and pay attention to him.
Some people chose to live alone and are very happy with the freedom. Some like me have been left to live alone and learn to live with it. I find the older i get the happier I am that I don’t have to answer to anyone, I can sit when I get home exausted from work. I don’t have to **** and clean if I don’t want to.
I know you are making hard choises. Freedom isn’t free. There is always a cost to pay.
At the end of the day Carole, you know what is best for you.
bettie
ps- i didn’t get your email

[bettie]

Hi guys,
Hey Carole I sent you an email. I didn’t get an email from you so maybe you have the wrong email for me.
It is sad about Sandra. I think no matter how much time we get it goes by in the wink of an eye. Even more reason not to waste time gambling.
Lee i checked the chat and saw your question.
Yes, people DO recovery from gambling. It takes a lot of want and getting all the support that you can. Check out GA in England. There is also Gamecare, Gordon Moody and a US site that has a chat. http://www.sfcghub.com just to mention a few.
You can never get too much help or support. Most CG’s have to hit some kind of a "bottom", for a lot of us it is financial, before we are broken enough to get help. Don’t give up! You ARE worth it!
bettie

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