[bettie]

Oh Lorraine!
I read your post and I cringe! I can not imagine trying live much less be sober in the situtation you find yourself in.
I get the need to help family but I also know being a CG that our addiction LOVES this stuff. It keeps us confused and people pleasing as we put other peoples feelings and needs before our own. Demanding rent from a CG is daunting at best. I’m with Vera-can you manage without your sister there? I can’t see where she is assisting you with expenses and is just causing you greif.
It’s easy to look from the out side and say “I would do this or that” and yet I know it’s much different when you are living it. I allowed much abuse to myself in the throws of my addiction . I enabled my own abuse because I didn’t believe I deserved any better or was worthy of anyones attention or love.
I still deal with this stuff and these feelings but I think I handle this better that I did a few years back.
bettie

[bettie]

Maybe it’s time to require cashier checks or money orders from the renters. Tell them you need them for tax purposes.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Yes P i do believe I have passed the 2 year mark again. I am not sure but that day might just be today.
V so glad to see you posting again. It works when we work it you know.
Well is has been quite a day today. the “landlord” showed up at work today-asking me for a fee reversal! What nerve after all that has passed between the two of us. Seems he took a check from one of his newer renters and the check bounced and it caused him to be overdrawn. Boo who! I guess Jen wasn’t such a bad renter after all! He wanted to tell me his troubles and how he was loosing the renter on the other property here in town. Thats a big hit for him-$1600 a month to be exact. If he doesn’t rent that property very soon he will be in some financial trouble. I told him with the new company I had no authority to reverse service charges( that is true ) and that he would have to talk to the manager. ( She didn’t give him any fee reversals either!)
So that churned up some old feelings for sure. A bit later I had a customer who pulled me aside and told me she could tell that someone had hurt me really bad. She told me that I needed to pray for forgivnness for that person as the hurt they caused me caused me to have bad feelings about myself! She said I know sometimes you sit at home and you are lonely and you feel unloved and that is not true! Not only does your family love you more importaintly Jesus loves you and being hurt by this person doesn’t hurt them at all-it just hurts you!
She said she really felt compelled to say these things to me and she wanted to say them to me the last time she saw me but the timing didn’t seem right and she didn’t want me to think she was a nut.
Her timing was spot on and I am gobsmacked because today could have turned into one of those day when I could have been caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances made a return to gambling to escape the hurt and bad feelings I have about myself.
What a day!
bettie

[bettie]

Wow Cat looks like you are coming right up on 2 years “clean”. I remember fighting so hard to get 2 weeks, 2 months, etc. I too am over the 2 year mark and frankly we haven’t missed out on a thing!
We gain alot when we become “quitters”!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi V and welcome.
I believe we don’t want to ban because that requires us to admit that we truely do have a problem and we have to tell someone else about it. That d*mn addictive voice told me over and over “some day” I can come back and be “controled”. I know the devil is a liar and so is my addiction.
This is a big part of step one-surrender!
One bet is too many and 1000 is never enough!
I am a compulsive gambler and I know it!
bettie

[bettie]

Ok 56f is a bit chilly and yes someone has turned the furnace on. I hope we warm a bit before real winter sets in.
Today my brother would have been 54 years old. Today is also my unoffical anniversary of “crossing the invisable line” into uncontrolled and compulsive gambling. I “hit” the jackpot or in retrospect maybe it “hit” me! I remember seeing the first 2 7’s roll and praying to my brother Frankie just let it be something as I had gotten those numbers then blank ( which paid nothing ). When the last 7 hit I just froze. Unbelieveable! I had finally hit a big one! Did I give up gambling, oh heck no! I had so much debt at that point that 10 thousand was a mear drop in the bucket. I paid some bills, sent my daughter a check, bragged a bit and then it was all gone. Did that detour me from gambling when the money was gone? Of course not because now it was “game on” and I spent the next 3 and 1/2 years chasing that high and racking up 6 figure ( over 100K ) in debt, not to mention draining my retirement account, almost loosing my car and home.
Things have changed in the last 4 and 1/2 years for sure. Some really good and some well not so good but thats life on lifes terms.
My brother really did give me a gift on that birthday 8 years ago. He shoved me across that line I was headed for anyways and that has gotten me where I am today, on the recovery road.
I think he saved me.
bettie

[bettie]

We can’t control the uncontrollable. This is an addiction just like any other addiction. We Cg’s are wired a bit differently. A slap on a slot button is very much like taking a drug, it has the same effect on endorphins in the brain.
This is a tool just like any other. Set your barriers high-don’t close the door and leave the windows open!
bettie

[bettie]

I am sorry but it takes too many steps to find the end of the threads and God Forbid you answer an old post! Its lost in cyber space forever. Can someone turn these post around?
Ok, vent over!
Funny how desperate that addiction voice gets. In years past C it was always “just 100”-now I find it saying “just 20”! It’s these new cafe gambling spots that are all over the place. The temption to “check it out” gets to me sometimes. Today was one of those days. I thrift shopped today to get some stock for my auction. I bought some new tops for myself and a beautiful vintage bedspread. All in all it was $20 well spent as opposed to giving it away to a slot machine.
I will always be “recovering”-I believe I won’t be “recovered” untill I am 6 feet under.
I can’t believe I had the air on last week and wish the furnace was on downstairs today. If it stays this way I am sure it will get turned on very soon.
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Kin, glad to see you post as I have been thinking about you lately.
Hope you are well.
Keep working recovery Kin-it works only when we work it.
bettie

[bettie]

May you have many many more to come!
bettie

[bettie]

C I just noticed your profile. We are almost neighbors. If you want to meet at a meeting I would be more than glad to meet you at one. I am in the south suburbs. There are two meetings close to me on Thursdays. If you are so inclined ask GT for my email and we could comminucate in private.
bettie

[bettie]

Welcome to the world of being a CG. I can speak for myself when I tell you that I too had a relaspe 1 week in. If you go to my page 1 I would get days, weeks, a month then go right back. I liked to refer to myself as a bad rap group-Banned in 3 States-because it took that then face to face meetings before I started making real “clean” time.
It’s ok C, most of us have been where you are now. It’s part of the journey.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks for your post on my thread C.
I heard it said by a new comer to a meeting once. He asked why someone was still attending meetings after 10 plus years, he asked the person if they were still that weak. Their repy was brillant. They said it’s not that I am weak, this addiction is just that strong. The new comer hasn’t been back. I can’t say that I am suprised. Thats part of surrender-admiting that something has you beat.
It’s OK knowing the addiction is strong because now I am aware and I know it’s a can of worms that I can’t put the lid back on once I start. We really arn’t weak we just have to surrender and stop being stuborn if that makes any sence to you.
The CG mind is a complicated mess! lol!
bettie

[bettie]

Guess its time for a check in.
I took a silly survey on FB about what you might become addicted to. Mine came up “gambling”- lol! Who would have guessed? not one of the quizz questions were about gambling-they were about life style but it tickeled me when the answer came back.
New boss starts next week. Kind of nervious about that. We have a person helping at the branch and she mentioned that they are cutting out vacation time next year. We already took one cut as they don’t give personal days and only 6 “sick” days ( that was 7 days cut already ) and now you need 20 years to get 4 weeks. I will have 18 in March ( if I make it that far ). Part of why I have not jumped ship during the last 17 years was because of the good medical benifits and my accrued vacation time. They really are pushing us now. If something were to come my way I might start looking.
Rainy day here-I should be cleaning. Feeling LAZY.
bettie

[bettie]

So ask yourself the question “Whats the dollar amount that you need to win that will keep you out of the casino for the rest of your life?” There is no answer really because as a Compulsive Gambler there is no “win”. We might recoop a bit of what we lost but that only leads us to more gambling. As a CG if I won a million dollars I can guarentee that I would gamble away one million and one.
My GA fear was running into customers from my work. ( I am a banker) so I go to further away meetings. I no longer fear that-if someone is in a meeting they are the smart one for being there. Funny how it didn’t bother me to see them in the casinos!
I would suggest that you RUN to the nearest meeting you can find. The best advice we get is what our addiction doesn’t want you to know. You CAN have a better life than the one you have now.
bettie

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