[bettie]

Hi Guys,
What a happy chat yesterday! I even had a dream that i banned my self. A big part of what is stopping me is the thought of not having anyplace to go when I am lonely. Gambling has been a social outlet even though when i go with my buddy we split up and play alone. I know in my deepest heart of hearts that i would go to the boat if I had some way to  get at some money. I need to stop but i don’t want to. Stupid isn’t it? I really don’t mind loosing if I only spend what I entend to. This past month was the first time I spent two weeks pay in a row and it really freaked me out! Did I catch myself before it gets like that all the time until I’m on the street of was that a momentary slip?
This gambling is just like dieting. I always thought that once I lost the weight I could eat like a "normal" person. That led me to loose and gain back over 100lbs two other times in my life. Now my sick brain thinks I can control this gambling monster again. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!! I have read enough posts to know it doesn’t work like that but even if I ban where I like to go there are many back doors to close too. I am overwelming myself looking at the whole picture.
No gambling today, none tomorrow. Thats as far as I can think right now.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Vera, Hi Guys!
haven’t been on the chat, work schedules getting in the way. Need to work out, not gambling is putting weight on me and I can’t let that happen.Will try to chat later.
(funny about the quaters!)
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’m home, worked out for an hour, plan to stay home (trigger night). Really want to go but I think I’ll read posts instead. I just won’t go today!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Keep trying to post but having trouble with the site kicking me out!
No boat tomorrow! Bills already sent out, can’t stop them now, money well spent for a change!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Tried to post eariley and the web site kept kicking me off. Very busy today, two b-day parties. My ex husbands boy turned 14 and my niece turned 17.
I wanted to respond to Charmaine. I understand when you fall to the bottom of the hill it’s hard to get up! I have lost this weight twice before, when I was 16 and again at 30. I gained it all back plus after my daughters accident( she was hit by a car when she was 12) and I wasted years avoiding seeing people because I felt so bad about my failure. What a waste! These folks I cut out of my life could have supported me but instead I lost the majority of them by not reaching out. Lession learned, the hard way as always!
I know its hard but reach out to those GA people. I sure alot wonder what happened to you and will welcome you back!
I too, worry about what others think of me. Hard habit to break. I try to please everyone except my self. Time to change that!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Salina, Hi guys!
S, I did talk to my daughter. She said, Oh Mom, you know I was just playing with you! I told her I am walking a very fine line here and little things really bring me down. The CG fight,the money, the ex "friend with benifits", it’s all a little bit too much for me right now. It’s not funny when you had all the credit in the world and could pick up a tab any time you felt like it. I’m not used to being in this position and I’ve not got my usual sense of humor right now.
I hate being broke but I did this! I have to laugh because the casino I went to is in bankrupcy too! With all my money I just don’t see how! LOL!
Gonna catch somes posts. Called an old boyfriend and have a "maybe" date tomorrow. He is a truck driver and is gone alot. He’s good for a steak dinner and some laughs. We are more like real friends, at least he likes to show me off in public, not like the other one. Wish the weather was better, he has a great motorcycle and I love to ride! I almost fell asleep the last time we were riding. The way the seat is you can’t really fall off! That sounds so relaxing and fun right now! I could really use some fun!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Still here, no boat. Went to dinner w/my daugter and brother. Daughter embarrased me. Thought she remembered I have no cash. I had a coupon for a free meal and assumed that she was paying tonight. She made a fuss about splitting the bill. I couldn’t remind her in front of my brother that I had no cash. I need to call her and tell her what an *ss she made me look like!
I guess she’s not used to me being so broke. Not her fault, all mine!
I hope life has some better things in store for me, the last 10 have not been the best and this year  has had a pretty rocky start!
Need to count my blessings, things could always be worse!
Hanging in there, Vera get some rest!!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Howana
This is yet another distructive behaviour of mine, setteling for less than I deserve. After 3 years he decited for another try with his wife. Didn’t say a word about it when he was here Sunday night. It wont work, but I’m not going to be there every time he screws up and she tosses him out.
He can’t have us both, sorry, he shouldn’t have either one of us. The real down side is that I can talk to him freely about my CG. He is really the only one who knows the full scope of this.
I guess I’ll have to burden you all with that now, Glad you’re here!lol!
bettie
 It’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Vera and all,
broke it off with"friend" tonight. Took a Valiem,going to cry myself to sleep. It’s best but I hurt so much.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I’m home, tired as heck, need to get ready for tomorrow.Vera, as tired as I am today was a better day, thanks!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the help Larry, I got it straight now.
Got to go to work.
Bettie

[bettie]

How do you make a profile signature??

[bettie]

Hi Vera
yea, chat went down,my" friend" stopped by so timing was good. He suprised me. He is not good for me but some times i just want to feel something besides numb.
I don’t know what the health care system is there but even with insurance my medical bill are very high. Co payments are outageous but i get a pay roll deduction that is placed into a credit card for medical only. That saves me because I am insulin dependent and would spend money at the casino before buying medicine. That is how serious this cg is.
Call a lawyer about this money stuff. I’m sure the law is different there than here. If repayment is unrealistic there may be a better way. At a mininum you may be able to repay with out the burden of paying interest on that loan. here i know that they can’t get retirement income.
Tomorrow starts a new week. I can see I must must must do a better job of protecting myself from this toxic life.
I have got to stop stressing about my job. I must realease my brain from the stress I put in there and find an outlet for my idle time. So much can be done for free. Maybe I’ll get a new library card. Haven’t had one in years. Look at the self help books. I should have been a doctor. I can figure out the problems but not the cure.
This was in my horoscope today.
"Its one thing to know where you want to go, it’s another thing entirely to have the wisdom to actually get there."
Peace
bettie 

[bettie]

Hi DD, Hi Everyone,
Didn’t plan to confess but I blew it yesterday. What’s the saying, The road to hell is paived with good intentions? The plan to gamble has been in my mind since Wednesday, since $$ went to my account. I talked, I posted, I placed (some) barriers, but I failed counting on other people to call me to keep me home. I did leave casino when my daughter called. She was over but left with her boyfriend. I resent him. When she moved back to the area I thought we would spend more time together but I’m out ranked!
I must not blame my "support system". I have been somewhat of a loaner, not by choice, but everyone thinks I have this great soical life. My social life is basicly being with a man who is "seperated"and has 8 kids by 4 woman. He doesn’t want a "relationship". Even he doesn’t think I’m good enough for him! The rest of my "social life" consists of going to the casino. If I stop, what am I going to do?? Sit around here and eat??
Can you say pitty party?? Crying now, feeling useless!
Got a wake up call from CC Company. I went over limit on my card at the boat 3 weeks ago so now they wake my stupid *ss out of bed on Sunday mornings to make sure that they will get at least a minimal payment.
Should go on open chat, too ashamed to do that too. See, even I knew I was being smug and my head kept telling me don’t brag, you will fail and how are you ever going to tell anyone?
I do this when I try to quit smoking. I won’t tell anyone because I expect to fail and just don’t want to see their dissapointment in their faces or hear the "I told you so" . I don’t want any accountabality! Immature reaction? You’re right!
If I could find the courage to ban I know I would keep my money where it should be. I have a large amount from a retirement plan coming in May. My retirement money is almost gone. I know I will have to work until I die and won’t ever retire. My fault!
I could keep whinning but even I’m sick of hearing it!
Got to stop crying, check my blood sugar, sky high I’m sure because I went on an eating binge after the casino binge!
I may not have to wish myself dead if I eat like that because it just might kill me! Funny, how can you not want to die but wish you were dead???????????????????
wishing you peace, hoping i can find some
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys, Saturday afternoon, doing 4 loads of wash I couldn’t do last week due to no money for quarters! This will take awhile.
Daughter is on her way over. DMV gave me an extention for my plates, My car won’t pass emmissions test. I thought for sure I would be without a car next week! What do you know, something worked out and things are looking up! Yea!
Gotta stay busy. Saturday is a "casino" night. Hope daughter stays late!!!! Will look at chat soon too!
Peace
bettie

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