[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Nice chat on Tuesday! I have long days Mon And Tues so hard to post and chat but too good to miss.
My "friend" offered me $$ to give to my daughter to get her off my back. I now owe one more person but the money is out of my hands and daughter has calmed down.
My "friend" that I hadn’t heard from since telling him about my CG showed up at my work yesterday and today.
He just doesn;t get it. I asked why he hadn’t called. He just couldn’t come to terms with what i told him. I told him that as my friend this was not the time to stay away, i was not ( and will not) ask him for money and if he didn’t know what to say just ask how I am and call me to let me know he was thinking about me. Just a little emotional support, thats all.
It makes me so upset that I have to ask for such little things. I never ask or expect anything from anyone but i would give the shirt off my back if you needed it. If everyone in the world were like me the world would be perfect! LOL!
Oh well, thats my story and I’m sticking to it! I can be so full of myself!
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for all the good chats this weekend! Life savers, all of U!
I am so tired I could puke! LOL!
I saw my (ex) gambling buddy. I told her about the exclusion. She said, "Girl if I had known you were going to do that I would have gone with and done it too!" I almost dropped to the floor! I just wasn’t prepaired for that! She is happy because she said if I don’t go, she won’t go and she promised not to ask or go with me to any other Casino, period!
She doesn’t think she is a CG but that is her judgement call, not mine. she is happy for me and thinks this may be just what i need to turn things around. I went to her house and we went to Indiana to SHOP! That was a first! LOL!
After that I saw my friend J and she made dinner and ragged at me about GA and how I was going to gamble again if I didn’t get to a meeting ASAP! I told her slow down, this banning was enough for now and now I do have some barriers and people to reach out to. She is kind of ticking me off but her intentions are good.
Fought with my daughter on the phone over $$. She begged me for my last dollar, which I gave her, no lunch $$ for me this week, and no lunch food in the house! I will have to resort to the freezer, we have a microwaive at work. She doesn’t know why she has to suffer for my mistakes. ( I owe her $650, which I was to pay back to a friend she owes. ) She is telling me about all these things she had to pay but i can do the math. What the H*ll is she doing with all the extra $$ she has had in the last 9 months?????
To bed soon, Hopt to be on chat tomorrow, 9pm I think, here.
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Got on chat ok later and good today. I’ll be back on later

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
checked the chat, no one there or there is connection problems.
Vera, u crack me up! Soup is done and very good. FWB called, going to wedding recption ( without me) Why did he have to tell me that? I can’t stand him! Really, what was the purpose of that? Just to make me feel unworthy? I hate him! Would love to blow off steam and go out but thats not happening! I will not be defeated today!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Feeling good, still have not had the "talk" with my gambling buddy but I am waiting for her call tomorrow or tonight. No big deal, she won’t go to Joliet so she will not tempt me to go there.
I paid a big bill today, no cash, no gas money, no problems man.
Thanks for all the well wishes! I am looking foward to tomorrow, don’t ask me why. Guess I just want it to be over with. I’ve got something to prove to myself.
My AA friend called to check on me, wants to know when my first GA meeting is. She is relentless! (which is a good thing!) She says if I really want to be better I have to go. She is right! (and 3 years sober!)
I’ll catch U all on the chat!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Everyone!
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for the posts!
I said I would give u the details.
My friend cut short a date to go with me. I assumed she had nothing to do but when I talked to her yesterday she said"I have this date but don’t worry, meet me there and we then we are going to the  boat." Period, no if’s and’s or butt’s.
She would not give me an out and knew it was serious by the message left the night before.
When we got there I went to look for the guard and told him what i was there to do. I had to tell him 3 times. He acted like he had never heard a person say I want to be excluded, who do I need to see.
He called his boss, who asked me the same D*m question, like, are u sure. I guess they didn’t want to loose someone from their "Biggest Looser Club!"
He had me follow him down stairs, my friend said thay only do this in Vegas when their going to break your knee caps!
( I told you, she made me laugh!)
They have a person from the gaiming commission there to do the paper work. The "boss" changed his tune once we were off the floor. He was very compassionate and said this was a smart move and I was doing the right thing.
We filled out the paper work and the commission person had the nerve to ask why I was doing this. I gave her "THE LOOK". ( My friend says this LOOK makes me look like i’m going to punch you in the head!) Needless to say she asked no more silly questions and goy down to business. Funny, when I won 10,000.00 I wouldn’t let them take my picture, now I had no choice. Also, the girl doing the paper work said now you can keep your paycheck, and thats a good thing.
On the ride back my friend asked me some questions, she didn’t even know about the bankrupcy. She was shocked about the wishing I was dead part, and hurt that I didn’t call her. I told her I was too ashamed to tell her but no more, now she knows. And I would not hessatate to call her in a crisis now.
So yes, not as bad as I thought. Lots of back doors here that need closing but one at a time. I hate gambling in Illinois because the boats are smoke free and i HAVE to smoke when I drink and gamble so thats a good thing.
I told her when the weather got better we would drive to michigan ( 1 hour away) and ban there too. Then to Joliet, and that will take care of the tri-state area!
Got to get to my brothers for supper, he made a stew. Great on a cold day. Any other time I would have declined and headed to the boat but not today, I heard they are all closed!!!!!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
Please stay tuned for a very importaint annoucement.
Bettie is no longer a VIP on the Indiana Riverboats, she is now a VEP, Voluntarly Excluded Person.
I got there by the grace of God and the support of all the loving, compassionate, and caring people I have found here at GT.
I know now how Salina felt. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry, but mostly I’m relieved!
My brain is exausted but I will post the details tomorrow. A big thanks to my friend J, what a rock she is. She made me laugh while I did this, then took me out for cake and icecream, and told me to get my *ss to GA.
thank you all again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I hate to put anything in writing that I don’t plan to do.
I left a message on my friends maching that i want her to go with me to ban tomorrow.
pray for me!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I read my thread trying to figure out my trigger this time. How do you work on your own self esteem? I can plainly see that the sadness of the unfulfilled date, seeing the fwb, feeling lonely on Sunday, they all led to this last binge. I need to make the calls and stop waiting on people to call me. I keep thinking if so and so only called me I would have stayed home. Maybe I need to reach out.
Every mistake is a learning experance.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Thanks Kathryn
I am sick of myself. Mtg company called, trying to get some of this mortgage relief. In the long run I don’t think it will make more $$ for gambling. If I can get a reduced payment it will free up money but will also reduce some stress. I am looking at a hospital sponsered gym and woud love to have the money to go. Think positive! Do something right! Stop procrastnating! I got coupons for free buffet at the casino. Have I gotten rid of them? NO! I am trying to figure out how to use them without gambling. Who am I kidding?? Thats like saying I can play $20 and leave! I’m even laughing out loud at that one! This buffet is GREAT, the best one in town but it’s not Really FREE! I will waste 100-200 just for going. How many really great meals could I get for that??
Need to thing about something besides CG. I been online all day!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Nancy, Hi Salina,
Weak, weak weak! I am a cg mess if ever there was one! I spent the night at the casino hotel, i had planned it weeks ago but wound up by myself. My daughter doesn’t want to enable me by going ( or take time away from her boyfriend). I know, maybe thats the cg but I don’t think so. FWB was suppost to show but didn’t so I stayed in the hotel, broke by 10, and spent a restless night by myself. Sounds like great fun, doesn’t it??( see what a great support he is for me??lol!)
Almost banned, walked past security 2x, but just couldn’t do it! I called my aa buddy today and couldn’t tell her what I did. I might see her this week so since I have no $$ and used my comps up maybe I will find the courage to have her go with me and just do it!
Pray for me to find the strength to do this! It will make my life so much better, I just know it will!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
I blew it yesterday. got off work early for my long weekend, went to see a friend in Indiana, picked up my gambling buddy and went to the boat. Due to cash restrictions I didn’t kill my budget but I couldn’t leave a winner. My friend had to leave so I took her home AND WENT BACK! Stayed out until 3:30 am, lost what I "won" then added 30 bucks to that!
Really sad at midnight to find myself alone, sitting in front of a GD slot maching with the small screen flashing "Happy Birthday".
I did mannage to have a nice day today, spent day w/family and my daughter invited a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time.
When am I going to get serious about quitting?? I am telling myself it’s ok, not a big loss. Thats not really the point. All these losses add up and if I can’t keep a "win" then why bother going? What is fun about this? I don’t get it.
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
My other guy "friend" came over today. I told him about my Cg. I can’t believe I did it. I spilled my guts! I wonder if he will ever call me again. The consept of how serious this is went over his head at first. By the time he left i was almont in tears and so was he. I am depressed about the blind date not coming through. I want a real relationship with a man who wants the same. I have’ve only had that once in my life, that was with my husband and that was 27 years ago!
Depressed, lonely, sad. Almost went to the boat, went to the goodwill and bought a pair of shoes instead. Daughter called, met me for a snack. Want to cry, tears falling now. I just can’t get a break. gonna go to bed.
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
So Nice to see you all here. Vera, talk about bad habbits, went with "fwb", my resolve is so weak! Had a nice enough time but I really need to cut him off for good! He is so toxic to me. The blind date for today isn’t going to happen. He sent me a beautiful message to set up this date but has not responded to me to set this date up. I don’t get it, we have been talking on and off since November, met on an online dating site.I suspect he has a girl friend and contacts me when he gets mad at her. I have met enough jerks to know somethings not right here! 
Got into an arguement with my daughter about $$.
She is in the middle of a bankrupcy and needs to pay her lawyer. She lent me $$ after the big bindge, I paid her some but she owes a friend some $$ and told me to pay her friend back. She was crying about how broke she is. She is blaming my CG for her being short of money. I told her at least I can account for my $$. She has 2x the income I have and half the bills. She hasn’t paid on her mtg in 9 months and frankly is very defensive when I ask where the money is. I think she is doing some kind of heavy duty drugs, her boyfriend is a "pot head" but I’m sure it’s more than just that. She’s 28. What do I say with out her cutting me off??
B, as for the sucide thoughts, I’ve only had them after a big binge. I do not feel that way when I am not gambling which is a wonderful feeling! When I had the big binges in Feb I had panic attacks thet kept me up all night and wished I was dead so I didn’t have to face up to what I did.I mannaged to sepnd the night with a friend because I knew what was going to happen so I wouldn’t have to be alone feeling that dangerious feeling.Yea, I do need more help with this. I keep thinking I will go to a meeting. I will, it’s just a matter of time.
Thanks for the posts, S,N,B,S and V!
I’ll check posts latter. got to go to work. Birthday is Sat, 47 this year! Boy 50 is almost here!
love you all,
Bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the advice. weak moment, all is well. Going to workout. Windows open, sun is shinning, it’s a beautiful day even though I have not gotten used to the time change.
Hang in there Salina, you’re doing great girl! ( no pressure! lol!)
peace
bettie

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