[bettie]

Hi Guys,
Baby named Elise, 8lb 9 oz. I’ll see her after mom settles in at home.
Worked out hard tonight, trigger days but ok today. Thinking about "last hurrah" but i’m on Vera’s pledge so I will fight hard not to do that!
I keep thinking how it would be nice to bring baby a gift and I won’t have money to do that if I stray from my plan so here I am!
Tired, haven’t eaten but don’t plan to eat much. I need to get back on target so I plan to workout every day if possible but time will tell.
Gonna check some posts. I missed the tuesday night chat and wish i hadn’t but I had company.
Time to do the dishes!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

baby update…
She was born around 10:30 pm Tuesday night-c section. New daddy almost fainted and had to be taken out of the delivery room!
Mom & baby doing fine!
bettie

[bettie]

Hey Guys
Ban set for Saturday, I will be here alot until then!
No grand Niece yet-no update since 3pm.
bettie

[bettie]

Thanks DD and Vera,
www,walkathome.com Leslie Sansone Vera, look at her dvd’s, beginner to advanced. I started with the 1 mile, and take off from there. She has stuff for teen’s to sr’s!
Still need to shut down pc and get to picking up. Water back on! Yea!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for all the posts. Today was stressful but OK. I hate to admit I had that "wish I was dead feeling" yesterday. I looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and they just looked defeated! (Thats bettie 2, the cg, showing her true side!)
Scary!
I came home after work, water is off in the building, but I didn’t let that stop me from working out. Too bad I smell like a skunk, LOL, but I sleep alone so I won’t offend anyone!
Long day tomorrow. My friend hasn’t called with her schedule yet but she works until 10pm.
Niece is just settling into hospital now, I should be a great aunt tomorrow. I asked about comimg to the hospital if she needed a coach. I was put off right away. No, grandparents only allowed. That really hurt. I delivered her, coaching her mom after her dad left my sister when she was 6 months pregnant. Not the first time I have felt slighted by family but I love her none the less.
Gonna try to pick up, this place is a dump! I hate when I get lazy.
peace
bettie
ps Vera, sorry I blew the monthly pledge. I want back in so I will just have to make it a 3& 1/2 week pledge

[bettie]

Thanks Nancy,
My friend just called. She doesn’t have her schedule yet but she will call me today with it. No chance to back out with her on my case, and thats ok. I am acting like a child and need to be treated like one! Tough love but that’s what is needed right now.
Thanks for the chat harry, cully and kathyrn. You are right, i do need to tell my sister about the slip but the timming is so bad! I will have to wait untill we can have a one on one. Very hard to do with my Mom and her husband around 24/7.
Pray for her daughter. They will induce labor tonight and are thinking c-section. I know my sister is out of her mind with worry.
Can’t wait to see my first great-niece!
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Golden, Hi Laura,
I have not banned in Illinois yet and that is where I played. I will ban this week as I am not going to do this to myself again! It hurts too much. I know that I am banned at assocated casinos so while I broke no laws I did break my word, which is just killing me!
I would love to hear your story Golden! It helps when I read what others have gone through and how they have grown and/or struggled. It’s all part of the journey for me.
Laura thanks for the faith in my recovery. Lots of work to do here, odaat right? I slept good, valiem induced, but sound 8 plus hours. Long day ahead. I need to check into counciling today if time allows. Work has something that starts out free and I have no reason not to try something.
I think part of the relcutance to seek face to face help is denial. I’m not as bad as that, etc. I don’t feel that way but my CG mind does! It is almost like that person is Bettie-part 2. Today she is asleep in my head but I need to find a way to out smart her before she pops up again. She is smart and sneeky but bettie-part 1 suffers today for the choices bettie 2 made Saturday.
Scary isn’t it? I am now talking about myself in the 3rd person!
I have to find a way to make myself whole again. Big Job!
I did call my friend about going with me this week so I have a solid plan and thats a start.
peace
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

[bettie]

Hi Guys,
This is not the message I thought I would be writing tonight. I was out with my sister helping her with an event she helps with monthly. Long story short, we were talking about money problems and I told her I was getting help with mine. She asked "mental help"? I said yes and she said "with gambling?" I broke down and said yes. She said she was glad and I told her I didn;t want to burden her, she has so much on her plate right now. My support friend called to check on me and we talked. Now this story should end in a success story right? Remember, this is my story so don’t be to suprised when I tell you I made an excuse to my sister to leave and went to the casino, where I’m not banned! I Blew It! And the funny part is the urge hit and knowing I was so close I just went for it. I hate that casino. I can’t say I even enjoyed one moment of it yet I stayed.(and my sister will know I lied to her because I used my card there and she is on my account!)
Lost the fight last nite, spent $$ that had a better place to go, covering my butt tomorrow but now have to call my friend and make a date to ban there now to. Why would anyone go and waste money someplace they don’t even like?
I have the binge hangover, spent most of the day covered in a blanket, eating Easter candy, with a pounding head and sick stomach!
I am sorry. I’m sure I’ve dissapointed all of you rooting for me and supporting me.
Like I said, I lost the fight, this time, but the war is only just starting!
Too sad to chat now, dissapointed in myself! Monday, day 1.
bettie

[bettie]

So, postman rang the bell, twice, for me to sign for a registered letter. I an getting mail from casinos I’ve never been to telling me I am banned for life. I never knew indiana had so many!! I also got ad’s from "my" casino in the mix. Oh well, tore them up with out looking!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Everyone,
I guess I "sank" the boat before it"sank" me! Thanks for all the lovely posts. I got a letter from the casino saying I was not welcome there since I excluded! I have another letter waiting at the post office. I thought maybe I won something ,lol ,but I don’t think I will bother picking that one up!
On a personal note, today turned out sucky! I got a call early from my trucker friend. He was going to be near me and wanted to get together after I got off of work. Well, he called me an hour before I got off to tell me his plans changed but he would call me later. Well it;s later and he still hasn’t called! I GIVE UP! I understand things happen but what curse is on me that even when I have a pretty solid invite I can count on the guy backing out??
So disapointed! I attract just the worst scumbags when it comes to men! (sorry guys, all u good one’s seem to be taken!) Maybe I need to switch teams!
My fwb called at work today. Would it kill him to pay me even the smallest complement? I brought it up to him and he thinks I am an ego freak! Never mind he used to answer my calls with Hey Beautful, how are u today?
I miss the way things used to be between us, when I thought we could be a couple. I was so wrong! He is such a piece of work! I keep thinking I’ll meet some one worth my time but every time i reach out they just slip through my hands.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day! Glad for the exclusion or I would be there right now, drinking away my sorrows over my dissapointments and throwing my money in the slot trash can. Guess I will just have to grow up, cry my eyes out as usual, then suck it up and get over it!
bettie
 

[bettie]

Hi Kathryn,
Breakfast? Oh yea, the time change. I just had a turkey sausage off the grill and some lite chocolate ice cream. I ate too much! I am eating instead of gambling. Not good. I keep promsing next week… Well enough of this nonsence.
I did get the mother curse with my daughter, I hope you have a child just like yourself. When does that end? Mine is 28 and continues to try my patience every day!
Hope to see you on the chat, have a wonderful day!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Wow, I must have hit a common thread here! Again, I thought it was just me with the dreams but some of those were really scary!
I really have no problem or preconcived notions about going to GA. I have no excuse that is valid. I just don’t feel like going. Lazy, yes! When I was in a more desprete spot, like I was in Feb. I almost went but didn’t want to cry in front of striangers and I was too embarssed. I could walk into a meeting tonight. But with the support I have gotten here I can tell you one thing, I WILL NOT GAMBLE TONIGHT! Two weeks ago, I think I did but not today.I know this is just the start but I am making progress with you all and I couldn’t have said that two months ago.
Got lots of calls today, and a customer made an Easter basket for me! Bath stuff, lotion and slippers and candles! What a sweetie! She said you are always so nice I just wanted to do a little something for you! How nice of her!
Day 11
Thanks ALl!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

My friend J called and is making me nuts! She is on me big time about GA. You need real support, you need to be talking to real people. People online can be lieing to you. Aren’t you just enableing each other by not being tough and saying sorry you slipped??
I told her she was welcome to come here and look around. If someone had to make this stuff up about compulsive gambling then they are way more messed up then me! And we do have tough love too! She needs to see a post by Larry (LOL! Not to pick on him, he give GREAT advice!)
Oh well, had to vent. This is my support in real life. See what I’m up aganist??????!!!!!!!!
So glad you are all here for me and each other!
peace
bettie

[bettie]

Hi P,
I knew I missed someone!
Thanks again!
bettie

[bettie]

Hi Guys!
Thanks for all the posts! Nancy, I do have a friend I can talk to but somehow I don’t want to tell her everything because I feel judged by her ( like when she drilled me about how much i really have lost ). No words but I got the feeling, you know?
Vera, I would say the latter part is the truth about your FWB, Mine is worth about one million dollars, (I’m not kidding) and he has never given me more than  a bottle of wine for my birthday, cheap b*stard!
I’m sure now he has backed off because he thought I would ask him for money, I had not though of that. I hate to admit it but he is the one who bailed me out with my daughter. I just want to be honnest here. He offered, I accepted. Trust me, I was in tears when I took it but I just wanted to get my daughter off my back and he offered me an out. He reminded me not to take it to the casino, even though I told him I was excluded, and reminded me This is just a loan, you know my situtation! ( he just bought a 650,000.00 house) I have no pride or shame left! He is just an *ss! My self esteem is non-existent! Thats ok, when I pull my butt out of this mess I will not repeat this borrowing money thing. I have been independent and pretty much on my own since I was 18 years old and the CG caused this, not the real me!
Where the heck did I go? when did I loose me? I used to be fun and had a few friends to run with. Will the "real" bettie please stand up?!
I had a CG customer today with an overdrawn account. She went to "my" casinos. Can you believe that gave me an urge?? Sick puppy that I am, just seeing the withdraws from her account made me want to go! (and she owes the bank 800.00!) But, it’s wednesday and Here I am. blogging away!
Does anyone have casino dreams? This is like going on a big diet and you dream about dessert! In my dream I was trying to cash out tickets at the cash despencer without getting caught there! How silly! At least I wasn’t playing or spending money!
I know i’m missing some of you but G, and everyone thanks for the great chats and posts. Gonna go read. have a wonderful day!!
Day 9 feels good!
bettieIt’s one thing to know where you want to go-it’s another thing entirely to have the Wisdom to get there….Looking for the Wisdom

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