[Berto08]

Hey Kin,

Commencement of genuine recovery is my answer to your question….finally through honesty.

I can’t begin to describe how relieved I feel that I have now told my truth. Further, it has enabled me to release all anxiety around my debt, share with my wife and create a plan. The desire to gamble to “make” that money has now been destroyed – I no longer need to hide.

So, all in all Kin, finally being honest has enabled a change. A better understanding of my addiction has become more apparent and I can now work on a day by day basis to create a better life.

For the first time in a long time, I feel at ease with myself, have peace and feel happy again.

Bert

[Berto08]

What a simplistic view of life…brought a year to my eye. Awesome Kin – thank you again for sharing, it will be a clip that I watch daily.

[Berto08]

Thanks Velvet, will let this thread go idle I think. I will just keep posting on the my journal thread.
Rob

[Berto08]

Hey Velvet,

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom.

It has been a very intense couple of days, but nice that it is so because of honesty as opposed to further issues that my addiction could have caused if I didn’t confront.

I am very mindful of my wife’s recovery and mindset through this time and beyond – as I alluded to earlier, the addiction continued to allow me to believe that I was protecting her by not sharing the level of debt when in fact it just wanted to continue the misery. Being honest has set us both free to be able to work toward recovery.

Thankfully today, my wife has informed me that she started to take some steps to protect herself and seek advice. I am proud of her for doing so. I have actively encouraged her to do so and have shared each thread and response that I am receiving from this forum with her. If I can assist her in anyway to understand my addiction further and set herself free from my addiction I should think that be a positive start for us. I have caused her so much pain and I have suffered the internal pain for far too long. I will encourage her to create her own account and seek advice /further learning from peers that have also been in her position.

My wife has never, in my mind, enabled my addiction. I don’t blame her at all for where I am at. I purely was not strong enough to help me or her due to my fear. That has now been overcome.

I attended GA this evening and spent considerable time with my sponsor discussing the events of the past 48 hours. Was most helpful and I received further insight as to what to expect from here on in as I realise the emotional journey will now encompass various transformations between anger, resentment, confusion, understanding, clarity and reassurance. I have had a long time in active addiction, I now have plenty of time to understand and implement recovery!

Most of all, it is action time For me…words are no longer enough. My wife really surprised me with her approach which sounded somewhat similar to many of the comments I have seen posted from other partners of CG’s on this site. She suggested I come up with the financial plan moving forward in relation to MY debts. She wanted me to own it, make the plan and discuss it with her. Straight away this told me that she is absorbing the advice on this site. The opposite would have been for her to take control of it, control the situation thus not allowing me to take responsibility for the state of affairs. In essence she removed herself from my addiction whilst at the same time offering me support. This was hugely encouraging to me and most appreciated. I have now started to work on this plan.

I will keep posting, reading and learning. I want to gain as much understanding and seek as much advice from my peers as possible is order to build my strength in recovery.

I know that this will be with me forever, I am under no illusions about that. However, I also take great hope from those on this forum, my friends at GA and my support network that there is a better way of life and it is achievable.

Thanks again Velvet and I do hope you get to chat with my wife at some stage should she wish to join the forum.
Rob

[Berto08]

Hey Kin,

I really appreciate you taking the time to post the above.

I can identify with all three scenario’s. The internal fight is horrendous.

I feel much lighter now that I have released my fear and found my truth. This was, I felt in the end, the only way I was going to achieve active recovery. I could no longer live the constant lies and deception – but the courage to overcome my fears of honesty took me some time to realise.

I now see and understand that my illness had created that fear. My illness had lead me to feel that fear so it could remain active. I had to overcome that fear and close down the beast.

It is a truly baffling experience.
The last 24 hours have been extremely painful, difficult, exhilarating, empowering and life changing all mixed into one.

I have found great strength in these forums and in speaking privately via chat with the therapists on this site.

It is only my beginning now, but it is better than what my end was and I look forward to working the program of recovery now on an honest and transparent level.

The work has just begun and I am ever so grateful of the support I have received here.
Rob

[Berto08]

Hi Velvet,
Firstly a great deal of thanks to Harry who was fantastic in private chat recently and also yourself whom I appreciate greatly. I have read a number of your comments to other forum members and admire your strength/advice….I was hopeful we would also chat.

I posted on this site and then directed my wife to the site in the hope that she would view my post. She did. It broke the ice and I have now confronted the situation with 100% honesty which was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life…although I do regret not doing it earlier, it may have saved me a hell of a lot of anguish, anxiety, hurt and pain.

We are now working through the various issues, at this stage, in a calm manner. I have hurt my wife so much and it is hard for me to believe that I would continue my behaviour because of my fear of losing her by being honest. Now it all seems very surreal to me that I would believe that notion for so long. In fact it is the complete opposite – the truth was only ever going to be the way I could rid myself of the monster in my corner. He now has nothing to feed off – my journey into full recovery can now begin.

In reference to your questions, my wife has struggled with seeking help throughout my addiction. She is a very proud and private person – she internalises a lot. Since referring her to this forum, she has taken it upon herself to read and gain a better understanding which I feel is a positive step for her to work toward getting help her help herself. I am attempting to be as gentle as possible in assisting her with getting herself that help that she may need because I don’t want her to feel that I am pushing it down her throat – I don’t have all the answers.

I am hopeful she reads your comments above, I am confident they will bouy her with the fact that there is hope for change and it is possible.

I am now in a position to be able to effect change because I have finally been honest…I now have no requirement to hide, lie and manoeuvre.

My wife is aware that I attend GA twice a week and yes my sponsor is aware of my struggles. Between my sponsor and psych counsellor, advice from this site and a growing desperation in my mind to live a better life – I was able to finally archive the strength of courage to confront the truth.

I am ever so glad I did, although belatedly but that can’t be changed.

Thank you so much again – Rob !

[Berto08]

Thanks Harry….I am looking forward to being involved in the community and learning, listening to other advice from members.
I want to make this happen and am close to doing so

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