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I too am not too keen on informing anyone of my problem. I have worked very hard all of my life and don’ t want to lose the respect that I have garnered over it. Gambling has taken enough from me and I wont let it take that too. We had a guy at work who had lost everything was sleeping in his car and the talk about him!!!! I know what people are like and they tend to judge and criticize without thinking about the consequences. I will keep it to myself when it comes to people outside my immediate family. Even still, telling family can be a source of great strength and help for some and negativity and judgement. If it’s not going to be the former then avoid it if at all possible. No need for more shadows cast upon you while you fight your way through it. Just do what feels right for you.
I’m not telling anyone myself and I feel ok about it.

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You are such a dynamo. You just keep inspiring me. Will try the jar. I have lived in the same house for 27 years or so and have little odd jobs that never seem to be finished.  I was great at getting things done before CG. I used to go into work with a woman who was recently widowed and we would chat about all of the projects I was engaged in and she joke and said that I would eventually lose my stamina! I never thought that it would happen but with CG I find that I  dont have the focus to do things like I used to. I am distracted to the point of drugged because there is something else interfering with my thought patterns. It makes me sit when I should stand and although the thought of gambling seems unpleasant, I go to it anyways. The jars seem to be a random way of getting things done. 

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Its all good RG. Thanks to you and Meghna for your support. I am working the next few days so I should be good for now. I am so disappointed in my resolve, which is probably the worst feeling I have right now. I have picked up a book and started to read again, so I gave something to fill in the time gaps . I am going to make a master list of all things that I need to do around the house to make it right and will start to assign tasks that I will have for specific days . I find my problem is when i wait to see what i feel like doing on my time off. I dont ever feel like doing anything until i have already done something to begin with. Action motivates me and I am going to start treating it more like work and non optional. I am a machine when it comes to work and I just have to carry over the same energy and ethics as I have while on the clock. You guys are the greatest and I will post every day with my progress. Thanks again.

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I hate my boss. She knows half of what I know and treats me like her servant. Wanna smack her half the time I talk to her.
My daughter has just been diagnosed with depression and a.d.h.d. Trying out new meds that have lots of side effects. Trying to get her started on therapy but she doesnt really want to talk to anyone!!!! Shes always tired and feeling sick and I have to be there to support her. It feels like I cant do anything right. I have consistently been gaining weight ever since the great change of life and dont even know who I am anymore. Skinny ass boss snickers at me sometimes. Wanna smack her again and again. I am a CG. Icing on the slanted, not so fresh cake that is my life. I’m trying to fix things but more just seems to break in the meantime. I am frustrated beyond reason sometimes and can’t get away from it anywhere. I need to ponder what to fix first and that is hard.

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I need to get some of my thoughts (and life) together before I can proceed any further. 

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Tired of these mornings. Something has to give. Bad day that I cant even explain. Was good then lost my mind. Dont feel like trying to explain because I dont think I could even if I wanted to. Self hate abundant today.

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Knowing that I have to come on here and admit that I failed again is such a very large detractor from the excitement of going on to the sites that I cannot find it in me to do it. I kept myself quite occupied yesterday as I had another free day at home. I painted two benches in the morning and did some cleaning, and then went out in the afternoon to do some shopping. Had a late lunch and then was presented by a huge gap of time before dinner that was looming before me. What to do? I would have sat at the computer and gambled for hours , forgetting about dinner until someone said something. This time I thought about two days. That’s what I would have to admit to. I only lasted two days. No way. So i didn’t even put my hands on it. I feel relief this morning and glad that i have you guys to answer to. It’s what I need to keep in check and it is enough, for now, to spur me on. Have to get to at least 10 weeks, right RG? Steev, I hope to someday be that voice of experience and comfort as you are. Here’s to a good day for all.

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The question to ask yourself is if you are an addict for life or living with addiction? I prefer living with addiction because it allows you to live with it but not let it control who you are. O come from s family with multiple addictions in the course of a few generations and they have learned to deal with them and live a life after full blown addictions. Mine is silent. No one knows. It is mine to deal with so I am in a position to avoid letting it define me in the family. I dont waht to be the aunt with the gambling in the family tree. To me using the term addict for life allows for the perception that it was out of control for the duration of your stay on this earth. Living with addiction means that you are doing just that- living and having the monkey take a back seat. I’m.in the driver seat at this point do I’ll be living with it but not necessarily enjoying its company.
Its semantics, I know. Maybe part ego as well. I live with my issues, all of them. Gambling is merely one

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Hate is a very fleeting emotion. It is strong but will pitter out before you know it so don’t let it be the only fuel you use to run your recovery on. You need to find where you want to be in 10 more years and let that guide your decisions. Do you ever want to retire? You wont ever if you keep going. You will keep working forever to fund the casinos.You are in a tough spot at this point with so much in jeopardy. Is it really worth losing everything you have for one more trip to the casino?

Fear can be a great motivator as well. If you read the stories on this site you can see that they are in or have been in the same place as you. In debt. Relationships in tatters. Bleak outlooks. They also have the desire to stop and the need to put the gambling out of their lives. Fight for what you really want. A job,a family, a home that is yours? It is plain to see that you will not be able to have all of those WITH gambling. It will have to be without .

Good luck on your travels and use this period as the trial. Put it to good use. Start a new habit. When your not working go for a walk or to the gym if at a hotel. Swim. Read. Each day that you are gone and do not gamble post here. Make a record of your success. It works.

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Steev is right. There are so many peripheral things that you can do with decorating that your mind wont have a chance to engage in”the chase ” . Are you handy? Take one room at a time and look at upgrades as well as decorating and then find out how to do it yourself. Try your hand at do it yourselfing some repairs. I love to research and find out how to fix something myself. Not only does it save you money (lots if you don’t hire a professional) but it engages you and makes you feel competent- able to do anything. It also takes up time. The enemy when you used to use your free time to gamble. I hope the next round of painting results in a room color that you love!

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I was at a point before I went on here last month that I was off for 2 on for 1 and so on. I didnt have to be accountable to anyone. I’m not one to lie online or in person so it’s not in me to come back on and continually lie about my progress and I need the support of all of this group, as each one of us brings something new to the table for discussion. Each day I wake up I know from the minute I open my eyes if I was a success in the previous day and it spurs me on to do well again. Yesterday was bad and today will be better. That’s all I feel we can do is literally take it one day at a time .

I made it 11 days and now I must make it at least 22. Its my pledge to myself. Thanks for your post. It always encourages me to hear feedback from someone who has been there before. 

Btw: what is the hump? How long before it just became stop?

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Sorry to say that i slipped up yesterday guys and I realize the error that I made as big as day. Or a day. I was laid up for the latter half of the day and did not have anything constructive to do and ended up on the computer! I thought that I may have been in a better place because I was 11 days free but I was wrong. I didn’t seem to enjoy myself at all while I was doing it and self excluded as soon as I was done. I know now that I can do this for sure. I know that if I have to go on this site and post the truth, then there is no fun in gambling anymore. And it must be the truth because if it isnt then I am only fooling myself. Thanks to all for posting and supporting each other. It affects us all directly and indirectly in times of stark ugly truth. We need to be there to support each other and to have someone unbiased to answer to. I am back on track!

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I woke up early this morning and decided to tackle the day with life and hope. I had a great talk with my daughter last night and we both decided to try to take a long look at the things we do and why we do them. She had been shopping a little too much lately and decided that perhaps she needs to address this and I need to address my gambling. I didnt tell her that but I know she knows that something has been different these last few years. The time I spent talking with her and the time we spent together after work would not have happened a few months ago as i would have been otherwise engaged, so it is time that we have recaptured.
I have started a list of things to do tomorrow and am stealing little bits of free time daily to do things to catch up. It’s never too late to start over until your dead. I am going to start over. Reboot the computer. Refresh maybe? Take it back to an earlier time when I knew who I was and never had to make excuses for my behavior. I’m tired of the guilt and shame. I want to be proud of what I do each day and not have to hide it from others. I feel like a degenerate. Times up on that. Time to start holding my head high again and never being afraid of what I cant control myself from doing. If I wanted something to ruin my life I would have gone out and got remarried and I knowingly do everything that I possibly can to stop that from happening. Why do I go back to the thing that inevitably will make me miserable again?

Today is my day.

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I was out doing done shopping when I got a call from my condo Corp saying that I had missed a payment (it it was screwed up by the bank) and the second notice date was up. I have lived on the same House for 26 years and they put a lien on my house because of one payment not going through? I was livid. After a firm tongue lashing I hung up and got real pissy with my daughter. I hate having things out of my control. I pay all of my bills weekly and have not ever missed a payment in 25 years on this place. Never missed a mortgage payment either. I am the picture of a analy in control and I cant believe I missed this. Two notices and the actual missed payment as well? Time to clean up my act.
Thanks again RG for the shout out. You have got to be the utmost in supportive and I bet you are a great mom. I will have a jack and coke and watch some t.v. tonight. I have to work tomorrow so I am saved by the miserable boss who can’t make a schedule right to save her life . I am finding all kinds of things that I can take care of one day at a time. Still finding it hard to schedule anything yo do on my day off because I never know what I will feel like doing. Keeping focused. Have a fantastic weekend

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  I am sorry if I sounded as though I thought that you did not realize that you were addicted.  My point is that the reason why you started gambling is a peripheral issue. The whole point in this is to understand that you are an addict and like/all others that have come before you the question as to why you keep gambling is moot. You just have to realize that you have no control, like an alcoholic or drug addict, and it doesn’t matter why you keep wanting to you just have to stop. Once we get over any misconceptions of how and why and stop thinking about how we could do it differently I think it becomes crystal clear. Just give it time and it gets easier.

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