[Berta24449787]

So busy that I have had little time to post. Keeping gf is easy when you are this busy

[Berta24449787]

The worst of my issues reared its ugly head yesterday and I regret to inform you of a minor slip. I had been 8 says gf and was feeling great about it when the beast that lies within – I have an anxiety disorder that seems to be hormone related hit with full force yesterday afternoon. If you suffer from panic attacks you will know the feeling, and the resulting side effects on your body can be incredibly unpleasant. I did try everything I could to let it pass. I went shopping to get plants for my elderly neighbors garden- they are both in a temporary care facility for a month and I thought it would be nice to do their garden up a bit since they both cant bend anymore. I tried to let it pass while shook g buf it only intensified until I had to run home. I did go out and spend a couple of hours in their garden in the afternoon but that didnt help. I had a nagging panic that the troubles at my work that were caused by my boss on the weekend were somehow going to come back at me. It was panic if the worst type and I couldn’t get it out of my head. So I tried the only thing I know that calms it. I felt like I had no choice at the time. My stomach was in knots and I was fighting the worst feelings that I experience- that feeling of impending doom. It comes out of nowhere and can be triggered by the smallest of things. It can last days or hours. All I know is that the resulting physical reaction to the panic became so bad a few years back that I developed food sensitivities that became anaphylactic and had to carry an epi pen for a year. My stress is very real to me and I thought that I had dealt with it. My ga is a result of trying to cope with my stress in other ways so that I could calm my body down and the food sensitivities would subside. I would gamble to ease my mind and change my thought processes. It just became another issue for me to deal with.
This morning I wake with the anxiety and the knowledge that I failed again. I’m not sure what the day will hold for me but I am pretty sure that I need to start looking for ways of changing the dynamics of work in my life. I took this demotion with the hopes that life would be become more balanced, but it has not. My schedule is all over the place as are my start times. My narcissistic ass of a boss is dragging us all down with her and I am tired of it. I will need to reassess what my job means to me and perhaps let her take the big fall on her own. No more propping her up her the sake of us all. Time to let the crap hit the floor.

[Berta24449787]

Thanks RG. I’m determined this time in a way that i hadn’t been before . I started to think what would happen to my daughter if I gambled it all away and then I was gone, leaving her nothing. It is a cold shower. I’m not going to leave her without a good platform to launch off of. Life us tougher out there now and we need to set them on an even keel to help them be successful. It’s my job. I will be good this weekend and I hope that all is well for you too . Raining in your neck of the woods?

[Berta24449787]

I enjoyed a CG free week so far and am looking at number 4 with hope. I have found the perfect shift at work and wisk that I had it all of the time. 9:30 -6. LOVE IT. I get up early and can putter around the house. I am a morning person and I love to do little bits and pieces in the morning. I get to work a little early, get home quicker because rush hour has passed my work area by then. It’s too late to even think about any gambling. I have time for dinner and some time with family. That’s it. I have to worry about Saturday. Day off. I have made plans to go out shopping early in the day which will take me out of the danger zone for a while and hopefully will mean that I will keep my momentum going. Have a great day

[Berta24449787]

Had a miserable day at work and feeling down about myself and my ability to get along with others. I am a very strong personality . That’s the kind way to put it, believe me. I am almost always in a good mood, very energetic and playful. In the last few years, since I gave put on weight, I have noticed a certain disapproval of the general way that I am. Like overweight people are not really supposed to be that happy. I have also noticed people questioning my abilities more, as if heavier people somehow dont work as hard. My weight gain is definately not due to lack of energy or lack of physical movement- I walk at least 20000 steps every day. I am in that oh so wonderful point in my life where weight somehow magically finds you. I know that I shouldn’t care about the perception of others and that if they are judging me on my weight then they’re not worth my time, but the whole experience at work with the boss not seeming to like me and her boss also seemingly sharing that opinion makes me want to spin spin spin so that my mind forgets all that stupidity. I want to start over. Something new. I went shopping with my daughter after work and did not come home until later so that the temptation would pass. It was great. Nice sunny day. Got two new pairs of pants and a slice of pizza. I guess a good way to avoid the work depression gambling for me is not to come directly home from it. Go somewhere and fill my heart with new feelings so that when I get home I am not sad and in need of relief. Hope it works

[Berta24449787]

Had a long talk with my daughter last night about her apprehension to enter the workforce in the future. Shes not ever wanting to go through the torment of my “career” as she has seen me struggle with work/life balance and the lack of appreciation one gets when working on for those who no longer appreciate the individual vs the massive collective. I am ashamed that I have had such a horrible effect on her desire to make her own way in the work world, as it is a very necessary evil to ones own development. Not too sure that this is normal at her age of 20 and told her to seek advice from her therapist about how deeply it saddens her to get out there and try. It has reassured me, however, that I have to be here, in mind and body, and able to support her emotionally and financially in the meantime and I guess it has come at a good time on my recovery since nothing will spur me on more than family in need. I woke more hopeful and energetic today and am going to try to keep the momentum going as I am one of those creatures that likes to ride the wave of good energy for as long as I can. Hope everyone has a bright and hopeful CG free day today.

[Berta24449787]

I’m a die hard impulse junky and have been all of my life. Explains many of the bad ( and some of the rather exciting)situations in my life that I have found myself in. I need to learn to deal with impulses to do and say, and not to do and not to say. It will be a growing experience for me and who knows, maybe 53 will be the year I mature. Thanks for the concern and the words. You will all be on my thoughts as I drift in the murky waters of responsible behavior

[Berta24449787]

It seems like my whole adult life I have been supporting others in one way or another. I gave up my professional designation because my ex was in an accident and one of us had to work full time. I bought a house at a very young age on my own and gave up all the fun of being in my twenties to work and make a place for myself where I was at home. I kicked put my ex in my 30s when he thought he had trapped me in a relationship where he could do whatever he wanted because he got me pregnant. I gave up a lot to raise my daughter alone but in a happy home. I am in my 50s and have no idea of who I am in the grand scheme of things because when I  grew up, I didnt know anyone like me. I am happy to be single. Ecstatic, actually. I dont really need or want others in my life for the most part because if means sacrifice. My life is sad. I’m not sure if it’s sad because I gamble or if I gamble because it’s sad. I just know that something has to change in a big way  but I’m not sure that i have the direction and the energy with everything else that I am going through with my daughter. I go out every day looking a mess and swearing that I will change it someday. Never  seems to be time enough to do it all. I guess it might be time to make time

[Berta24449787]

I am going to start my journal again. This time; no excuses. No attempts to fool myself. This time, no gambling. I have a hangover from some online gambling from yesterday and didnt even want to get out of bed this morning. I am in complete despair that I have no self control anymore. I used to. Lots of it. I cant figure out where it went to but think it has something to do with sacrificing so much for so long. I’ve been self supportive since the age of 15 and, with the exception of a brief period where I went back home for a few years to finish high school at 19, have been the only one who has looked after me. My husband left ( kicked him out actually) when my daughter was only 18 months old and I have been supporting the two of us ever since. I have done well and sacrificed everything to make sure she had the same opportunities as kids with two parents. Shes in university and has all the trappings that all kids her age do. What about me? I need to learn to reward myself better. Ways to do it that dont involve me losing everything. I need to start to keep thinking instead of just playing and losing myself in the spinning reels. I need to start again.

[Berta24449787]

I have to work with the lazy cow this morning and am seething the entire time. She walks in this morning and throws all of her work of top of mine and then proceeds to walk around sucking up to everyone and playing the title role in the dance of the social butterfly. I feel a slow down happening. I’m going to make sure that i slow down just enough to match everyone else pace and when they wonder why her work isnt done I will just have to tell them why. I’m not playing this game anymore. Time to stop being the hardest working woman. Its not getting me anywhere and I’m not happy. With work being my biggest trigger I need to start something new change the dynamic in my life.

[Berta24449787]

You are the #1 priority these days. Focus your reorganization on your situation instead of your house and put yourself first, whether it be your physical or mental health. Let your husband see you working on you instead of his dinner and his laundry.

[Berta24449787]

I know that I need to figure out a way that works for me so I tried something new today. I have to work today so this morning I put a small wager in, played it and walked away. I have to learn to deal with the panic feelings I have when I want to play. Maybe this can work for me. I’ve never been able to walk away before and I had to. I had to deal with the feelings. I need to deal with all of my feelings. I feel liberated and still guilty. Not sure what to make of that. I am going to get gamban as you advised RG, but since I have always found a way to play I need to try to work through the addiction instead of avoiding it. Hope your day is good and CG free all.

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Sometimes the people that you least expect can be the most insightful. The folks that I work with heard the talk of what my boss has been trying to pull with me and voted me the “hardest working woman in the building “. Guess my boss won’t be liking that too much. They acknowledge she is a nice person, for the most part, but a weak manager who lacks experience. Hallelujah. Someone gets it. She was in today but avoided me like the plaque. Suits me fine. I’m not one of those political people that can smile when I want to punch you in the face. My face just reads “wanna punch you in the face”. Could be the short coming extraordinaire of my career life. Personal maybe too. I will get through this like I have the last 10 years or so since the workplace that I have loved for so long began to morph into the horror show that if is now. It’s hard to keep good people and those you can keep are only waiting to retire.
I shouldn’t let it trigger me though, as I understand that it will and should make a plan for when I know I’m coming home with pent up rage and disappointment.

How are YOU feeling today?

[Berta24449787]

Thanks RG. I had a bad day yesterday seemingly because I had an awful day the day before that. Work does seem to be my trigger. It wasnt as bad yesterday as it was before I started here so I seem to be a bit more in control, but the boss got me in a mood that I just couldn’t shake yesterday. It is so hard to feel unappreciated and inept when you had been the one that knew it all not one year ago. You see, I was the boss one year ago but decided that I wanted to be closer to home so I took a demotion to save myself 2 hours a day in travel time. My daughter was growing sad and lonely and needed me home more so I took the decrease in pay and a position that I can retire too in a year or so if it suits me. Mow I work for someone who they put in a position of authority who had never really managed before and had stayed home with her kids until her 40s. She is limited in experience and is very immature in treatment of others ( gossips and back stabs and is as fake as a $3 bill).  She is unprofessional to say the least and I tire of it. My decision took into consideration that I would have to work for someone else and I have to accept it. It bites though. Anyways, really bad day with her Monday and I am back on track today. Does anyone know if I install gamban on my daughters laptop, can I hide the app or will she see it?

Have a great CG free day

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I fully understand your position about not being financially in charge of yourself and your obligations but I am sure that if the roles were reversed you would be the rock  of Gibraltar and carry the family for a long as it takes. I had to support my ex once when he was in an apprenticeship program. I didnt mind a bit and he said he would do the same for me (/little did we know how that would end up). You aren’t defined by working or not. What you are doing right now is creating a new definition of you. I work and have CG. Does working make it any less serious? If you quit then you are one up on it. Value what matters most. Only then will you value your efforts as you should. 

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