[Berta24449787]

I have often found that my impulsive nature leads me to be living on the edge of both ends of many spectrums in many aspects of my life since I was a child. The cg part is relatively new to the pile,  and it has been the most damaging financially and emotionally thus far. I know that a lot of my impulsivity in my latter years was to compensate for a stressful job that, in the end, brought me little to no joy. I loathed what the role had made me into, and yearned for the days when there was hope of a better job, light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. I have none of that anymore. I know that after 35 years at the same company, 25 years at the same job, this was it. That’s been my identity for many years and it was something I lived for a long time, until new management came in and changed the culture of our workplace. Our moral has never been lower. Gambling was my way of trying to find joy and excitement again. 

   I have to find peace and comfort, like you, in doing things right and well in my own life now. A clean kitchen is worth a smidge of pride in a job well done. Introspection is a good thing to be having. I remember when my daughter was born. My first child and I didnt know what to do to keep myself busy. I was so used to running the show at work that this was unusually relaxed for me and I dove down to the end of the spectrum that I knew. I ran the house like a military camp. No dirt, dust or a thing out of place. I’m goin yo yry to get a little more of that back. There can be happiness in organization and order. It can be soothing to the mind and relax the soul do clean away. Do what makes you feel good. You need to find a replacement and your search will lead you to what makes the need to gamble go away. I like bargain shopping because it focuses my attention on many things at once and gives a sense of accomplishment in the end. There is no right or wrong when  it comes to coping ( unless if is another self destructive behavior then it is wrong) and do if it is cleaning that floats your boat, go to it. There is nothing mundane or ordinary in the life of a cg. It’s all coping and struggle so feel good about where you are

[Berta24449787]

Hi RG;

  Thanks for letting us know what’s going on. You had me worried. I understand that sometimes this monkey on our backs can become too much to bear, and I was concerned  that you took a turn for the worse. I hope you find that strength again. It is always with us to beat this if we focus on what it is that drives us to self destruct, over and over again. 

   I know that your advice on the gamban had worked wonders for me letting go of the online issues that I faced, and although I don’t frequent land based casinos as a habit, I found myself thinking about going back to that hall again and decided that I had to remove the opportunity, especially when I knew that I had some down time coming and it would be very tempting. I dont want to be humiliated and I dont want to be seen as being weak  so I will never show my face in any of them again. I hope. I know its easy to say never, and it is what I plan on doing, so here’s hoping  that the plan works. I wish you all the best and hope you keep on touch.

  Berta 

[Berta24449787]

With all of my talk about putting barriers in place and my last “oops” I decided to go to one of the local gaming centers to have myself self excluded from all places that would otherwise be the dancer zones for me at this time. I was looking at time off soon and thinking that it would be ok to maybe go once and that was it. I knew that I needed to act fast while the iron was still hot. It is embarrassing to say the least, but the lady was wonderful and very understanding and didnt ask any questions . I am now banned from every casino and gaming center in my province. This is helpful to me because I would never even think of going with my dad or friends again if I was going to be called out. I would never go and be kicked out either. Now there is no forum for me online or land based, so I am hoping that all daydreams of going at some point on a day off disappear like the hope of playing online has. It seems that, to my mind, it is easier to abstain if there is no chance. Imagine that. The desire fades with time and I hope that this will be the definitive step necessary to rid myself of the nasty habit that has the potential of ruining my life.

Anyone still struggling, do the same. Rid yourself of the opportunity and change your life.

[Berta24449787]

I’m unsure as to what you are referring. Is it that RG is not with us? Do you know why? 

[Berta24449787]

I didn’t take Rgs advise at first regarding the software either. There was a little tiny part of me that was afraid to cut off all possibility of gambling so I didnt do it at first. When I went on a bender and lost a ton on my phone, I installed it right after. Then it happened on my kids laptop. Installed it right after. Then I got the iPad out. Same. As long as you have access you are tempted. Keep a prepaid card handy so that after you lose it all from your accounts, you can install the software. I had to go to the store to get cards to install and in the meantime used up more finds from my bank gambling. You will come to the realization sooner or later that you cant have access and abstain at this point. Set yourself up for success and confront that discomfort right now. It will save you 

[Berta24449787]

Cant find you anywhere on here and Steev said to reply to this post. Are you still with us?

[Berta24449787]

I agree with RG. It is a beautiful post that really highlights the cons of being a cg. We would be the ones easy to spot in a casino. Nothing fancy or new. Spending all of our earnings to make sure that the casino looks it’s best and has nice new things. My kids always have everything they want and need but I will wait for months to buy something new that I need to make sure I can find it on sale. And can I save a penny on everything I buy. Coupons are my best friend. So is max betting. Ridiculous,  the two ends of the spectrum that we can occupy at the same time….

[Berta24449787]

Steev;
Do you know where rg went? I cant find her thread

[Berta24449787]

Steev;

   The app to which we are talking is the gamban software, not a gambling app. I would never advise that at all. I simply am telling him to put barriers in place immediately as he begins his journey. It was what worked for so many do far, I thought it was sound advise in his case.

[Berta24449787]

The app on my phone is. It is unfortunate but necessary. I have no one using my phone so it is of no consequence, but my tablet and computer will only show the software if someone tries to go onto gambling sites and then tries to bypass the non descriptive block that comes up. How often do they use your phone? If it is just to dial someone then the app only shows up as a vpn at the top left on my phone. No icon. There may even be ways to hide that on your phone. Make sure that you are not using it as an excuse not to use the app. Be really honest with yourself because I thought the same thing about the app and it hasnt come up with anyone using or looking at my phone in 5 months. Just get it and forget the rest. Weigh  the pros and cons. 

[Berta24449787]

I could give you a whole lot of advice about finding out more about your pain and triggers, but that can come later. If you read through anyone’s threads that have been on here for a while you will learn that 90% of the battle in the beginning is access. It’s all about dopamine release and your mind wanting it so you have to stop the cycle long enough for your brain to start to repair itself. If you want to be of success , and of this I have learned the hard way, remove all access to online slots by installing gamcare ir gamban. Some of your devices may be eligible for a trial membership which is free. Buy it for the rest. Dont say you cant find the funds because you can find them to gamble. It is the first and only step to preventing this from continuing. Do this first and see what happens next

[Berta24449787]

If you read my thread you will know that I recently had a relapse due to access. I ended up in a place that had slots. If  you truly want to succeed at this you must cut off all access to gambling. If you go to casinos you must make sure  that you are banned or restricted. If you play online you must secure your devices with gamcare or gamban to stop. It is not about willpower at this point and you really have no excuse not to install anti gambling software on you devices. If you can find money to gamble then you can find it for this. Yhe only reason you dont is that part of you is still fighting, still wanting to gamble. Address this immediately and put a stop to it. You say that gambling is going to kill you? Do something to save your own life. Make sure you explore every Avenue to find ways to stop yourself before you get access and you will succeed. If you continue use this way then it will be a never ending cycle that will kill your soul. Take charge.

[Berta24449787]

I thought that I had a better control and that was probably what did me in. The insane feeling while I was amongst the machines is what scares me the most, and that longing, that urge to keep playing that overrides all time and logic was still there, although not as bad. It was still there though, and I know that my brain has not changed so much in that time I considered my recovery time, and I still am powerless once I get near to them.

The people that I ran into that brought me there were not good friends, certainly not the kind of people that I would tell that I am a cg, so while I do accept the responsibility of going, I didn’t even leave with these people at the end of the day, which shows you how close we really were. I am sad that I wasted my chance to just walk away, say no, and not play. You think that the lure would lessen after time, and it may at some point, but just not yet.

I know that a relapse is likely to happen and that I havent lost all of my progress. I look back at all that I have accomplished in the last few months as I have been trying to replace the behavior and I am proud at what I have been able to accomplish. My life seems do much more in control, and when something unexpected happens I dont feel the terror of being out of control anymore. I am a responsible mom and child again. I am a person that others can rely on again. That wont go away and I want to continue to build on it now more than ever. I had to lie . I hate that. I hate feeling sneaky. It makes the disease even more hideous and dark. I want to be transparent. This is who I am. This is who I want to be. None of that includes being a cg anymore. People may not have known exactly what was wrong, but there was something that made me unreliable, flighty and moody. Let’s just say that that person, GAMBLOR, has left the building.

RG, I am not a counter either, and had stopped because it wasnt ss important to me as replacing the behavior was. The more I got accomplished, the better i felt. It didn’t really matter how many days it was as the history, the accomplishments, became the reason for carrying on, not the number of days. I am not discouraged that I am back to day one, I am discouraged that I gave in. I will not do that because there were things that I needed to do that day that didnt get done. No success that day, only failure. I dont like that feeling either. I want to feel good about myself every day and build on it every day. That is back to day one. Hope that you can find your groove again to feel good about what you are doing with your life and find a better way to cope.

[Berta24449787]

Got home and feel even worse than when I was on the way. I want to cry because I have that empty feeling again. All the hope that I had for having fun and staying in control slid past me once I walked by the shiny machines and I feel a fool for thinking that I should even go to a bingo hall- da, it’s still more gambling. I think because I dont prefer that kind of betting that i will be immune, and if I had thought it through, really carefully, I would have thought about the possibility that there would be other forms on site. Did I really hope to go to a gambling establishment and eat lunch? Have a drink? I guess one if the issues with not telling anyone is that they dont know not to ask me to go. The upside is I left before they did, so I guess I seem in control (ran out of funds is the real truth) and they didnt really seem to notice me playing much anyways as the bingo hall is separate. Live and learn. And I mean learn the hard way. I will feel gross and horrible for days. I wish it lasted longer, maybe months, so I could remember why I chose not to do this anymore. Please remind me when I get too cocky again.

[Berta24449787]

I blew it. I was out shopping today, ran in to some old old friends and they convinced me to go to a bingo hall. Just for kicks. I dont play bingo but they have a bar and restaurant. Guess what else they have? Slots. Just got 30 new machines. I didnt do well and am on my way home doing the lies, and the walk of shame. Back to day one tomorrow. Crap I thought I had this licked. Tightening the hold again and starting a new. No more. No more. No more.

[Author]

Posts