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Thanks again for your comments RG and I was hoping that by finishing up the backyard I would have a sanctuary to retreat to. Have to wait for the weather to get better though…. Its funny but I work with people all day long so I am a bit if a recluse when it comes to my day off. I dont even like to talk to my neighbors. I am holding firm to the bad feelings I got when I tried to self exclude from the online casino and they put me off. Am I really that transparent that they know by ignoring my request for a day that I will be back? How pathetic am I?  I used to think that I was a strong person and that I could do anything that I put my mind to, but now I realize that I only stopped indulging in negative behaviors when they no longer provided me with what I needed. I am an extreme impulse junky. It makes me fun and a bit unpredictable, which makes me a hoot to be around, but it has wreaked havoc on my personal life for as long as I can remember. I dont remember doing anything in the traditional sort of manner. 

   I suppose the CAMH is an alternative to what I have been doing but my biggest fear is that someone in my family will find out. I have no support system as of yet and I havent told anyone that I have a problem. I dont know if that is because I dont want them to look at  me differently or that I dont want anyone to try to stop me. I think the latter is probably the biggest fear. I dont go to casinos because of two reasons. Firstly, because I have to travel a total of 4 hours to and from and I hate the long ride home with all of the regret. Secondly, I am sensitive to light sound and smell. People too. I dont find the atmosphere to be one of enjoyment. It might be better if I could find a place where there is hardly any people in it but my locals are busy. Too much noise because people cant turn there machines down. The lights from the machines are enough to bring on a seizure. People wear too much perfume and cologne or they smell of cigarettes or need to shower. And of course there is the sad people. People betting 10 cents or less. People slapping the buttons to try to affect the outcome. Elderly people wandering  aimlessly. People that have lost it all and walking around with that look of despair. It’s a reality check in there and it ruins what little enjoyment I have while I’m there. Perhaps that is a good thing. I only go  a few times a year with my family and dont have to worry too much about avoiding  them when I go elsewhere. It’s the online ease that I am trying  to avoid and will continue to do so until the pathway to my pleasure center learns to crave something else. I hope you are well and that you are finding strength in your success. One step forward gets you one step closer to who you want to be. I am trying to remember that every morning when I want to pick up the computer and play mindlessly for hours. Thanks and have a great weekend.

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Thanks again RG. A canuck? Where abouts? I’m an Ontarian myself. Had a revelation last night while trying to self exclude from one of the online casinos. They are making it very hard to do it and I felt like a fool. Of course they are because they figure i will slip up before they get back to me in a few days and put more in . Do you ever feel like everyone as so much more control than you.? I feel like such a loser (literally) when I am at work because I cant wait to find time in the evening to get a little screen time after a hard day at work. I could be doing so much more with my time and money. I want my control back. I am off work for the next while and am going to try to refocus on what is slipping away from me. Work can be all consuming sometimes and I dont really ever find any time for anything else. Work and gambling have been my staples for too long. I need balance and am going to try. Hope you are well and that you continue to be strong and an inspiration to the rest of us

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Awesome that you made it this far and dont fret about the relapse because it will happen to the best. We do everything in our lives one day at a time because its/all you can do. It would be nice to be able to get the bad things done faster and it does seem to go slower than the really good things, but if you can put one more day behind you can have one to look back on and another and another. Having any day is a privilege whether you gamble in them or not. Dont let work get you down because it can be a great occupier until you feel stronger. Have faith in yourself

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Hi Emma;

   I was where you are two years ago. Went on holidays and there was no access for two weeks. Came home and was too busy catching up after the holidays to have time. Thought I had it licked so convinced myself i had it under control and I could gamble a bit here and there no problem. Problem. Once your brain starts to get that fix again- you know, the chemical release from the pleasure center, it wants to keep it coming. Keep up your guard and understand it’s like all other addictions. It only takes one slip and your falling again. I hope you dont succumb and you beat this. We all need to know that it can be done so we can look to our future with hope. Keep up the great work.

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I started yesterday with the greatest of intentions and had a hiccup (as I believe it may be called ), but did not do too poorly on my day two. I went in to self exclude on the last site i was registered on AND I HAD A BONUS IN DOLLARS AND SPINS. I couldn’t just leave that sitting there, now could I? Of course I played it all through and won a bit, but ended up losing it all and depositing a bit before I caught myself and self excluded in what i hope is my last and final time. I am fighting with brain fog daily as i try to deter myself from plopping my butt on the couch and losing myself in the bells and bonus spin glory. It really feels like you’ve accomplished something good when you manage to get those 3 symbols. I miss the anticipation followed by the adrenaline of the third symbol making its appearance. The bonus rounds didn’t even compare to the feeling of getting that third symbol. 

   I am not implying that working is the answer to CG at all as it is the stress and lack of fulfillment there that got me to start. I know that while I am working  I am not on my butt at home so the opportunity is not there. I have been trying to declutter and clean and start new projects as well but have difficulty at this point with the fog. I just want to gamble. I want the brain chemicals to flow and make me feel good and I cant. It’s just like a drug with me. I think because I do it from home I associate the home as the place to be to get my fix. I cleaned out the back yard to prepare for a new pergola I am having installed on Friday and new furniture is coming for the deck as well. It was what I should have done last year but was too wrapped up in cg to bother. I am going to try to get a plan together for the next week. I will try 7 days at a time as my work is a big detractor to me making any personal plans of my own. I just know I need to be free of this monster in the next year as I was planning on early retirement in the next couple of years and at this rate, would be doing nothing but gambling all day every day. 

   I hope your Easter was good and that you find a bright sunny day for all of your endeavours today. P.s. where are you residing?

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Congrats on 2 months and happy birthday. Take your presents and invest in short term options. If you cant touch it you cant spend it (or gamble it) and you can begin the thought process of investing in your future. I’m on day two and want to get to day 60 and will keep trying. Remember even though you fail in the past you can be an inspiration to others now and in the future. Think of this as a parallel to drug addiction. You are not cured after the first day or week. It’s a maintenance program that requires daily attention and gets easier with time. Believe in yourself and don’t let your guard down. I will do the same

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I am working on day two today and feeling encouraged with my post. I know this can be done as all addictions can be managed through hard work and focus. I am going to try to have a stricter daily regiment to keep me focused and feeling like I can achieve something each and every day. I will continue to read your journeys and hope that we all end up in the same place at the end of every day- gamble free and happy with ourselves

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Hey CMC;
Hang in there and stay strong because it sounds like you need to. In reading your posts I read my own diary and it hurts and liberates at the same time. Sometimes it is hard to put feelings to paper and it is so much easier to identify when someone else does it for you. I too started to gamble while dealing with an unhealthy work environment as it was the only way to escape the feelings of desperation that followed me during the hours I wasn’t there. I loved my job and spent most of my waking hours thinking about ways I could do it better until a new manager ruined what then was my life. I have never recovered my feelings or reputation from that time and still feel lost and alone. I too ended up taking a demotion to survive and am looking to retirement instead of a vibrant career full of recognition and reward. It hurts. Every day. It keeps getting worse instead of better in part because my gambling has affected how I do my job and how I feel about me. Perhaps they were right in how they treated me, maybe I deserved it? Is that how I should feel? Absolutely not but I do and it reinforces my addiction in ways that never ebb. I need to find me outside of the workplace and you need to find you out of the emptiness that your gambling creates. I believe that dr Phil has the 10 life lessons and one is “there is no reality, only perception”. If you woke up tomorrow and wrote your own script for that day, one where you are happy and in control and in charge of where you go and what you do, then that would be your reality if you chose it. Write your own script each day. Dont let the world set your reality because they dont have to live it. As for the bonus rounds, they play in all of our heads. I hear the music and feel the adrenaline when you get the three symbol trigger. It is sad to note that it never ends there and they keep pulling you back for more and more. Just like heroin. You get it and it feels good so you want more. And more. Acknowledge what it is and then you can effectively deal with it. Another dr. Phil. Look him up. And get gamban on your devices. They wont let you gamble. It doesnt help to self exclude from sites because you can always get more email addresses to use. Been there. I have 6 different ones and have to self exclude every time I found a new site. Its easter weekend. Go help at a charity is a food bank. Go to church and pray for strength. Just get put of the house and avoid the temptation.

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Everyone is right about gambling not being about money. I am so frugal in my day to day life I will go out of my way to save a $1 and even use coupons! For some reason,though, I have no problem losing hundreds in a day online or in a casino though?? I’m not sure if gambling compulsively is the same for everyone. I am a compulsive personality and have control issues, and am not really using gambling to cope for past issues, I use it to get the rush. I am lacking any stimulation in my day to day that brings me the same rush, so I look to gambling and that feeling I get when I see the bonus coming to give me the thrill. They day to find an activity to replace it. I’m sure you all know that that is really hard. I can go for a week or so with no gambling at all because I work and have no time, but come the day off, I’m ready for a little r&r and that is usually what my mind wants. Chasing bonus symbols. I always win, frequently big, but can never cash in because I want more, more more of that brain tingle that feels so good at the time, but leaves me hung over the next day swearing that I will never do it again. If you keep gambling you will keep winning, then losing. Is it reasonable to think that after 50 years you have it under control? If you smoked for 50 years they would tell you to ease off, and that is what you should do. The end result though, should be that you intend to quit. Keep that in your mind, and dont think that you can somehow just start to make a living. I hope you find strength in knowing that we know how it is and will hove you an honest recap of what you need to know.

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Thanks for sharing so much of your life with us and letting us know that it can run such a destructive path through ones life. I can’t say that I have considered myself lucky ever since realizing I had such a problem as well, but hearing g what you have been through and are coping with gives me hope. It is rock bottom for you and keep looking up for the light. It will come and if you relapse, don’t lose heart. Try again and again until you succeed.

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It really is a cliche, one day at a a time. But the longer you put it off, the better you will feel about it and the easier it will get. Just give yourself a goal that is tough but not impossible. If you went daily, then try not to gamble for a week. If you went weekly, try a month. Soon you will be extending until it becomes easier and easier. Dont look at it as you will never be able to gamble again because your mind will not be able to accept it. Small steps. Wish you strength and luck.

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If it takes a couple of months to rid yourself of a bad habit you’re almost half way there. I made one week and lapsed but am trying for two this time. I wish all of the best for all put ggerd fighting this beast on their backs

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Its a funny thing about gambling addiction, that it’s never really about the money until it’s all gone. That’s when money and the lack of it comes into play. Most people will quit when they are up, having “won” money. We won’t stop. It just keeps us playing for longer. I crave the surge of adrenaline I get when I see the bonus symbols pop up for the bonus. It means I beat the odds. The amount thereafter never gives me as big a thrill as those dam bonus symbols. That’s why the manufacturers of the machines make it loud and colorful for us. It fuels the fire. I crave that feeling every day. I too have registered many times on the same online casinos. I have many many email accounts to use and have a middle name as well. I have self excluded from every one and still find new ones to lose money to every week. My life isn’t in shambles yet, but I am the mother of a girl in university and want to get my crap together for her future and mine.
I think that we all want to stop, and want to do anything we can do it. Or do we? The only thing we actually have to stop is gambling, nothing more, nothing less. Seems simple enough. I don’t want to be one of those poor souls wandering around casinos looking lost and searching for that one machine that’s going to hit big. I hate casinos. I always have a headache by the time I leave. It’s never a good time. Same as online. I will play until I actually hate playing. It’s the bonus symbols all the time. I am waiting for them to appearance give me the rush that I need. I am not a compulsive gambler, I am addicted to the rush of the bonus rounds, of beating the odds. When I get them, I feel victorious. Anyone understand? It says that to successfully beat any addiction that is of a behavioural nature you must replace one behavior with a healthier one that brings about the same feeling. I am going to try getting a rush from not gambling one day at a time. Its a .long shot. I made 7 days last week with nothing. Then my day off was a bust. I’m not sure what you are getting from the type of gambling that you do but is it so much better than the feeling of being in control that you are willing to live with the feelings of waste and disappointment in yourself? What would you really give to feel pride in yourself again? Imagine the feeling of being gamble free for one month. Then just do it and see how you feel. I felt great for the 7 days I was free, then awful for one. It wasnt worth it for me and I am going back on the wagon. I’m trying for 2 weeks. Gonna see how good that feels and go from there. If it truly is like any other addiction then we have to free ourselves from the rush, reprogram our brains to simpler methods of getting the pleasure, and that takes time. Try one day at a time, then two and walk the walk that will make this happen. It won’t be easy. Addiction is a bitch. Fight for your life because it’s only you that can do it and no one else.

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It’s an addiction like all others. I have a nephew whose addicted to heroin. No different than what we are here. You wouldn’t expect him to drop the habit in one day so why are you torturing yourself. It takes time to break the reliance on the high. Miserywill be your company until your brain becomes accustomed to no release from the win. It will happen though. I look forward to waking every morning Not feeling the hangover. No shame feels pretty good. Counting good days instead of bad s very welcome. Don’t do a 24 hour freeze- do it for good. It’s hard but it’s worth it. Just keep trying and find reasons to do other things. Don’t sit home alone because that’s when you will be most vulnerable

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Good. Day two is underway and you have the aspirations of paying off the debt. Remember that there are thousands of people around you each day that are drowning in debt for any number of reasons. Don’t let the shame make you feel do bad you try to startwinning back your losses. Been there. Just journal and be aware of what you do and how you are feeling and then try very hard not to do it again. Avoid the situation that puts you back in the seat to gamble. Mine is my day off. First thing in the morning and no one around yet. That’s tomorrow so wish me luck.

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