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Thanks we win. I’m not making excuses, I promise, it’s just that with working 2 jobs and little to no privacy in my house it’s hard. I had tried to do meetings in the past but they were always at 7 p.m. just after I get home from work, dinner time and my daughter is usually home. I also have 2 or 3 days a week where I work late so I cant attend those either. I will try to find a way to reach out to a professional organization of some sort, its just not working really well at this point. Hope you are gamble free today.

Thanks again kin for posting that autobiography again. I love it. It is so insightful and really hits home every time I read it. I may just have to put that on my laptop home screen. I hope you are well.

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Thanks to both of you for your replies. There are no ga meetings where I am ( that I know of) and really wouldn’t have a chance to go even if there was. I am working out a way to be a bit more in touch with how I am feeling when I relapse, as it seems to be related to down time when I have time to think and there are things in my mind that I would rather not deal with. I have swallowed up a lot of emotions over the last 40 years and it seems as though I have finally got indigestion from it all. I am now vulnerable and not happy with that at all. I need to let myself feel some of the more unpleasant after effects of not dealing with life when it slams you in a corner, and it’s time to deal with my addiction. I’m taking it day by day, white knuckling for now, but looking to see what’s available for me at a later date. I am trying to see the big picture, the long road, the epic journey ahead, and I know that they all begin with one foot in front of the other. One baby step at a time.

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It’s the time of truth. I an sitting in my living room at 8 a.m. and it is my day off. This is where I know I am at my most vulnerable. I have time. I want to relax and forget. It’s dark and a bit gloomy right now, raining and breezy. My favorite weather. For some reason it reminds me of the Texas coast. I love the weather there. It’s similar to ours here but nice all year. I feel sad when I remember because the thought of not being able to travel anymore because of the strain on my finances makes me very sick to my stomach. I have lost so much- not just money, but faith in myself. I often forget that I am strong, I often neglect to remember the many years that I never even bought a lottery ticket. I only started this downward spiral 4 years ago. Surely I can recover some of what was my reality before then? How to I get back to before the madness started? Do I need to find out why? With covid still among us and a second wave imminent, there will be no one on one sessions. I must wait to uncover my deep dark truths. I am strong. I will try harder. I will dream of walking on the beach again. I will dream of vacations and getaways and times when my struggles will not be against the potential for three bonus symbols on a line. Hope that you all find strength to fight the outcome.

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I liken it to me being in a casino but not playing any machines. Its soundslike you are gaining a hold on your demons. Hope to say day 50 one day. Hopefully in 47 more.  

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Сравнявам го с това, че съм в казино, но не играя на никакви машини. Звучи сякаш набирате власт над демоните си. Надявам се да кажа ден 50 един ден. Надяваме се в още 47.

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Ik vergelijk het met me in een casino bevinden, maar geen machines spelen. Het klinkt alsof je je demonen te pakken krijgt. Hoop op een dag dag 50 te zeggen. Hopelijk nog 47.

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I was just admitting to myself the other day that I have begun to have feelings of inadequacy when dealing with others that I live near and work with. I was not one to want all that others had because it came with horrible shame. I come from a lower middle class family that aspired to be upper middle class at one point and then an accident changed the life of my family. We lost most of what we had and had to work very hard (my parents did) to try to gain it all back. They were not successful and it was a drain on both of my parents who worked tirelessly to try to have what was just out of their reach. I was determined at that time not to ever be like that. We were not any happier before the accident than after, and the only real misery was in trying to be what we were not.
n My neighbors just started putting in a grand bricked plot at the front of their house. A little off scale, but it is new. I felt pangs of jealousy and envy. I cant afford to do that at this point without incurring serious debt. I questioned my feelings. Why am I jealous of something that I dont think necessary or even desirable? I believe that my gambling has,left me feeling insecure about who I am, and that with time, and effort, I won’t feel that others are better than me and hence, wont feel the jealousy as strongly. Could it be that how you feel about yourself leads you to need false representations of who you really are? Loving yourself will lessen the need for the finer things that give others a quick glance of your worth. Know your value and it doesnt matter what others think.

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Dont let the casino tell you that you cant close your account. Just inform them of your intent to do so and make it final. I have closed over 50 accounts,at different online casinos and some make it easy, others not so much. If they quibble with you about closing it, see if you can impose a maximum daily bet on the account yourself. I do so if the casino drags its feet in closing my accounts. If you tell them that you want to self exclude then I believe that they are obligated to close it for you. Be the stronger and the wiser and know that they are trying to keep you to get more money, not because they love you. Dont let them manipulate you. Keep trying until they do it. Email them daily. Stay strong.

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Was fine this morning. Feeling good. I gambled away my money and my day. Feeling lost. I dont know how my brain convinces me to do this over and over. Need some help to figure this out.

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Its surprising how much you can actually achieve in a day when your mind and body are free from your phone. I gamble on my phone. I have gotten so many major projects done when I break free, but in the absence of something else all consuming to work on, I fall back on from time and boredom. I need to have something  else to compell me up from my spot and make it my focus. Perhaps me is a good thing to start focusing on. I used to be quite fetching….. I did take some time to shave my legs today since I was actually early in getting ready for work. Lately, i would gamble before work and always be late getting  started or getting in. I actually had time today to do a little grooming. I guess there are all kinds of things that could open up to be  a replacement… 

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Why do you still gave the ability to gamble online anyways? Why torture yourself when gamban or gamcare is just a click away. Stop giving yourself the choice. No choice means no choice of a yes or no. Do it quick and you will never look back 

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If you gave email you can mark things as spam and they wont be sent to your email box anymore. I did this with all of my online casinos and once a week, on a good day when I’m busy, I mark and delete them quickly. You have to have a trigger finger with these things. Delete delete delete. Fast. Get back on track and outsmart them at their own game. They won the battle but not the war.

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I have an account through my bank that is a savings account not attached to my debit card. If you have funds deposited into this account then you must go into a bank and actually withdraw the funds in person. I find that having to get dressed, go to the bank and withdraw us deterrent enough when the urge hits. You can gave direct deposit or transfer through your bank. Would this limit your access enough?

[Berta24449787]

I have an account through my bank that is a savings account not attached to my debit card. If you have funds deposited into this account then you must go into a bank and actually withdraw the funds in person. I find that having to get dressed, go to the bank and withdraw us deterrent enough when the urge hits. You can gave direct deposit or transfer through your bank. Would this limit your access enough?

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I hear that you are quite pleased with the life that others take for granted and I feel a kinship. I look at people and think ” I wonder what it would be like to be them. No cg addiction.” I wonder what it would be like to just pick up a computer without hesitation or worry that somehow the gamban will fail and I will be able to gamble again. I am sure that the people I look at most likely have their own issues and concerns. Maybe they are alcoholics, sex addicts, shopaholics, abusers and on and on. We feel alone but there are many others afflictions out there that are as isolating as this is, and people suffer as well. I mean this to be uplifting, that no ones life is without trials, disappointments and struggle. It is too easy to get used to looking up from what you consider the bottom. The bottom is a frame of mind. If you really look around the globe, the bottom takes on new meaning. That being said, the joy you feel from raising your situation up after a few months brings joy and hope. You can build on that so that you feel the climb from your place at the bottom. If you falter, you must not fall. The bottom has a way of making us stuck. Like mud. We wallow in it. Look around you every day and see the good in your life. See what you’ve done. Feel pride. If we stay off of the bottom, our bottom, then we have no excuse not to look around instead of looking up. I hope that the little things you do bring you joy today.

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