[berber]

Dear Ell,
Have a good weekend! I feel for you and I hope we can chat live again soon.
Filakia,
Koukla 😉

[berber]

Hi!
I have so much to be thankful for, yet the day seems to be weighing down on me today. It’s been costing me a lot of energy, being confronted every day with the ‘CG in recovery’ as I am the one responsible for all of our spendings, checking receipts he gives me and dealing with everything that has happened so far: trust is such a huge issue.
As many of us, here on the forum, I too have put my CG and his ***** before my own on many occasions and I am trying to find myself back. Some days I feel fine and strong and other days I feel weak and hopeless. On those days my husband asks me for patience and to look ahead and at how well everything is going.
It’s hard. Why should I always be the patient one? Why, after all that’s happened, should I be the supporting one – instead of him supporting me? Yes, I want our marriage to work. Things are going well, in general.
I just feel so ‘tired’ of it all some days… I have decided to (finally) get help myself. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist (she doesn’t know me/my husband) to try and become balanced again. I hope it helps and I can slowly become ‘me’ again.
X
B.

[berber]

Hi Madge,
I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
Best,
Berber

[berber]

Dear friends,
Yeps V., baby Bear was not happy last night. Hope this evening is a bit calmer. My husband is going to NA/GA meetings 6 evenings per week and we are trying to find a balance so that I don’t feel like a ‘single’ mom with 2 kids. My cg has trouble waking up his brain in the morning and I’m running around doing ‘everything’, fun things he can handle fine with the baby (as he is not yet working) but as soon as there is ‘stress’ I can see he is ready to throw in the towel. Example: at lunch/dinner time, when the baby does not like something/is upset.
The counselling session was good, 2 days ago. She (the counselor) managed to explain to my husband how important it is to me that he helps more around the house and with our son. She also asked me if I was ‘angry’ – which I am not. I am feeling frustrated, disappointed and hurt sometimes, but ‘angry’ ..well, not with my husband. With the addiction: yes! Of course.
Also, I had commented earlier that he should clear my name with my inlaws. Inspite of how embarrassed he feels, I know it will make me feel more at peace if he tells them that I did not parasite off of him nor that I ever took any of his money. And, that he has **** for the benefit of his addiction. We got quite emotional and the counselor set a date for the next appointment, which is when my husband has got to have come clean to his parents.
Since yesterday he found a ‘sponsor’ to help with his recovery. Today my husband asked me if I would ‘do the 12 steps’ together with him. I am hesitant because I don’t want him to ‘lean’ on me since I know I would work hard and seriously on them but I do not want to hold his hand as he ***** to do this himself. Has anyone of you, non-cg’ers, done the 12 steps?
What was weird, this morning, all of a sudden my husband came downstairs, done with meditating and he hurridly gave me his bankcard: "here, take it. I just had this idea to go and buy a credit-receipt at the gasstation and gamble online in an internetcafé." (We both have gamble blockers on our computers) I had given him his bankcard last night so he could use it for parking, but I always keep close watch. This was a big warning for me to never be complacent.
Have a good weekend all.
***
B.

[berber]

Hi,
The meeting with the counselor was good yesterday. I wish I could talk live time today but babyBerber is keeping me busy (teething). Besides the counselor I also went to an NA meeting with my husband, which was quite interesting. Since there’s no GA meetings in our area we went there, 12 others were present (NA/AA/etc.). What surprised me was that everyone got to ‘share’ whatever they wanted to but nobody received/gave any feedback. Ok, will write more soon or hopefully meet on chat because I feel I need to vent. Husband is still gamble-free, which is .
Hugs,
Berber

[berber]

Dear Mnn,
Good that you can vent, by writing down your feelings, for one. There’s a saying: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” which I think applies to CG’s and non-cg’s. There comes a point when even the littlest things, that you would normally not care about, start to bug you. When I’m not ‘that’ mad yet, I try to think WHY the other person is annoying me, it can help at *****. Maybe your brother is a bit lonely that he ******* to talk to someone when you get home and you actually need a break. Is there a way he can volunteer somewhere and get out of the house in the daytime whilst staying out of trouble? Saying the ‘serenity prayer’ also really helps me. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” “Just for today! ” The other day I was sooooo angry that I said the prayer like 3 or 4 ***** in a row and somehow it calmed me down again. Have a good weekend!
xoxo

[berber]

You’re doing very well San. This day is almost over, when your head hits your pillow I wish for you to have lovely dreams without worries! Big hugs. X

[berber]

Hi!
Thanks a lot for your understanding and kind words. Today I am feeling full of energy again, the baby and I went swimming which was a blast! Haha – wish I could post a photo of how he was splashing in the water, super cute.
My hb couldn’t join the fun, as he had a session with his counselor. Besides the counseling he faithfully goes to GA/NA meetings 6 evenings a week (except tonight, he’s staying home with BabyBerber so I can go out for dinner!) which is more than any of his fellow-rehab people do. He is very much in touch with those people, talks to someone from rehab just about every day on the phone. It is a complete transformation, as he doesn’t have (m)any friends and now feels accepted and I guess respected. Next week I am invited to come and speak to the counselor too, uhoh – feels like I’m called in for detention – not sure why, but if it helps us open up and have a dialogue with a professional there, I’ll be happy to try it.
In answer to your suggestion Monique, we do talk when the baby is asleep. In the evenings usually and things can go quite profound, however the other day he told me quite clearly that there is no space for my feelings in his recovery process. Literally he said: I don’t care how you feel, I can only think of myself now! Although I get that, he did ask me how I felt so: uhm, ≈why ask me in the first place?≈
I love those quotes, about happiness – it feels good to pause for a moment and realize that any negative thoughts in my head can be replaced with my own brainpower, just have to train my brain really hard some days
Adele: yes, I have come really far. Thank you! So has my husband, but since it’s my thread I can proudly say that I’ve grown so much since my first post. Wow, from insecure and super-naive to not-so-naive and strong/less insecure!
His parents seem to have backed off a bit and my hb does not always have his phone or computer near him (which is new!) and the distance is doing everyone good. My MIL seems willing to help us wherever she can (genuinely), seems interested, even asked me if I eat enough (yes yes, I lost so much weight but doing my best to gain again!). I will always beware, but hey.
Today we can smile at eachother again and to our little boy as always, he shows us God exists and we have been brought together for a reason.
Love,
Berber

[berber]

Dear friends,
An hour ago-I was fine. Extatic. My hb came back from rehab a changed man. We woke up together this morning, meditated, said the serenity prayer… He’s gone to GA meetings… and showed me some of his process at rehab. He asked me to read his ‘life story’,which makes me sad right now. Sad for him, how things went in his youth and the relationships he has had, but even more sad because I feel hurt. Things had happened that he has not told me before, things I will not write here.. and, on top of everything: the reason he was almost late to his own wedding was because he gambled! I feel soooo hurt, even though he is trying to be a better person now-and every day is a day at a time, I need time and space to feel better. I HATE the addiction! Hate it! Hate it!

[berber]

Hi!
As Adele, I agree that reading a string of posts from you, Velvet, is comforting and lovely. Actually,…I agree with almist everything Adele just wrote. Haha…
I hope you are feeling better physically and that I can manage a chat later today!
X
P.s. Sending you and Adele a big cyberhug!

[berber]

Dear MMZ,
First of all, welcome to this website and well done on your first post: it is the hardest. I can relate to ‘not knowing where to start’ as so much has happened in the past years, and you have done well in describing how you feel. As you might have read in other posts on this site, we are all learning about the addiction and in that – speaking for myself – I realize that the most important person to take care of now is *me* (and my little son). The addiction does not care about anybody, just to get cash to gamble. Like you, I felt destroyed and the terrible nonsense lies added to this sense of destruction. Thanks to this website we (my hb and me) have learned a lot about compulsive gamblers and the way to handle things, we are just at the beginning of a long road ahead, that’s just how it is. Dear MMZ-my little bit of advice is: read other posts on this site and you will know that you are not alone. Joining the chat groups (top right corner of the screen for the *****) has also helped me. Take care and write more soon! Sending over a cyberhug, Berber.

[berber]

Hi Adele,
Thanks for the Mojo! It has been well received. On top of that it gives me strength to know that you have read my thread and can relate. I love how you say "God doesn’t give us more than we can handle" – and it’s true. Look after yourself, like Velvet said. Treat yourself to something really nice!
Dear Adele, have a good weekend and hope to chat with you again soon.
XXX
B.
 

[berber]

Dear BB,
Thanks for your message. I read your last post and I can relate to your emotions when you drove him to GA. Well done, he went. A minor victory, but any spark of hope is better than none, right?
I understand how betrayed you must feel (I know I did!) with the inlaws knowing about this ‘deep dark secret’. Slowly I am starting to realize that they too were a victim of the ‘beast’. The addiction **** to protect itself and in that – people (me) got hurt. I am assuming that he probably scared his parents about telling me before we got married, perhaps he convinced them that I would leave him, or God knows what! I know he had tried to scare/manipulate me not to address the ‘gambling issue’ to his parents *ever*. When he found out I did he got so angry and said that if bad things would happen it would be my fault… I’ll just leave it at that.
So, I do realize that *if* his parents would have wanted to tell me (which I do not know), it was not easy. And also, I believe that blood is thicker than water so in the end they did not care about their Daughter In Law (me) nearly as much as about their son (the beast at the time). In the end, I think it’s due to ignorance on their part that they are not helping their son and I shouldn’t really get angry for people being ignorant, should I? This is the theory, practice is harder!
Have a peaceful weekend!!
God Bless,
X
Berber

[berber]

Hi Adele
I’ so glad that God has also led you to this website, just like me. You will learn so much about the addiction and gain power by this. Don’t think your problems are petty, your feelings are yours and you will not be judged. I am hopeful that my hb can control his addiction someday, but I also realize that (besides God) he can only help himself. Velvet’s message on yesterday/today/tomorrow makes so much sense. The sun is shining here today and I’ve decided to go outside and have a nice day. Wishing you a good weekend and take care.
X
Berber.

One life: live it.– 4-5-2013 07:04:26: post edited by Berber.

[berber]

Dear Velvet and Jenny46,
You have really voiced my feelings and understand my situation very well. That comforts me .The lack of communication really is beneficial (but also incredibly hard) and I got a nice again last night. Perhaps we will speak again this week, but it’s obvious to me now that he’s on a different wavelength/level at this moment. Yes, selfish as never before, only focussing on himself: but I understand it is best that way now. I am looking forward to his return but before that I’ll try and get myself as balanced and relaxed as possible too. Thanks for the advice Jenny! Hard work is better than letting the addiction thrive, in any case and I’m looking forward to taking the bull by the horns – especially with all your support, I know we can do it!

[Author]

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