[bananaman]

(continued from part 1 below)

You’re definitely correct about the disappointment, anger, and frustrations I have faced coming to terms with this problem. 

I love my mother so so much,  to see her treat the family and I like this  is beyond heart-breaking. My soul feels sick. I hate waking up in the mornings; this set of problems are the first thoughts I have, and they stick with me through every moment throughout the day. 

I’m definitely trying my best to be the mature person in this relationship. I see that there are many problems to solve in the foreseeable future, and I want to be solid as a rock for my family. I’ve been learning to stay calm and not get dragged into fights with my Mother. I feel lucky that she’s at least she’s somewhat willing to talk. I’ve gobbled up whatever experiences I can find and relate to online – I feel lighter just knowing others like you have gone through similar experiences – and I can better understand how to move forward. Forward, I like that. 

 

Yes I’m currently looking for lawyers to talk to – it’s my next best move and hopefully there will be more options after that. However, I worry about how unwilling she’s been to speaking about the true nature of the debts and problems. This is likely related to the guilt she may feel internally. Hopefully she’ll understand that the lawyer can help best if the truth comes out. 

 

My poor father is working tirelessly to pay off the interests on the debt, but he’s largely in the dark. My mother and father’s relationship has largely soured, and for good reason. All his earnings go towards the debt. But oftentimes after a hard day of labour he returns to home to a missing dinner.  And his body is full of aches and pains, which is so so terrible. I’m motivated so much by this man, I see how honest and good he is. I often remind myself in darker moments to move forward for him. Do it for Dad, it’s a great slogan, hah.

 Moments ago I had to break the news to him about having to sell the house – it took me twenty minutes to call him over, all the while I was googling “How to break bad news,” and finding advice from Doctors. He took it far better than I could’ve imagined, and we had a good discussion about responsibility and morals. 

 

I’ve read  your comment about the “beast in the corner” idea, and I think you’ve nailed it precisely. When we try to talk, I’m on the lookout for a point where it’s like she becomes possessed by something – the look in her eye changes and she tries to attack me. And if I’m calm and try to remain on the subject, she hurries away from me, into another room, saying “Enough!” or “I don’t want to talk about it right now!” or something along those lines. Once she threatened to go to the Casino if I didn’t stop.

I will take your words to heart regarding a CG watching his loved ones suffer. Perhaps I’m forgetting that at the heart of it, this is an addiction issue. Like a junkie who would trade everything away for the next hit. Speaking of addiction, I’m reminded that environmental factors play a big role in addiction as well. A few times my mother has told me, “I gamble when I’m sad.” But all the debts and her attitude towards the family has heavily damaged her relationships with us – everyone is always sad. Does picking up new activities help CGs recover? I know that’s further down the road but perhaps I can start thinking of hobbies that may help her, but that’ll come after the home trouble is dealt with.

I will definitely do my absolute best to live a full life, the one I feel I deserve after this. A big reason why I’m deep into trying to fix this is I see my father being harmed in the process. She has dragged him down to the bottom. I can’t leave him there. But I will so careful not to tie myself to her so that I will be drowned too. Thank you for the concern.

The idea of inheritance is almost foreign to me. All that my Father had worked for has been swallowed up by debts and gambling. All I can hope for is that legal help can help recover what’s left to save. 

It’s reassuring to know that the addiction can be curbed, the urges controlled. I just wish I knew how to better guide my Mother there before things bottom out. But that really is the million dollar question everyone is asking. I definitely will take a look into the 20 questions and the Gamblers anonymous resources.

Many many thanks again.

Kirin

[bananaman]

Hey Velvet,

Thanks so much for sharing your kind thoughts with me. I’m sorry it took me two days to reply.

I don’t believe I’m the one to “blame” or blameable, at least not exactly. It’s just that with the advent of all these problems happening in my life and family, I’ve realized through some reflection that I could’ve done something earlier – even if I could’ve spoken up earlier, the debts may not have gotten so big. In a sense, I’d say I’m at least partially responsible for the problem my family will face here,( i.e. debts, moving, lawyers) but I know I’m not responsible or blamable for the gambling. I couldn’t have effected the gambling issues, which are the real problem.

But I could’ve at least caught on to the true nature of the debts earlier, or I could’ve started dialogues within the family earlier which would’ve lead to the debts being caught on earlier, and not becoming so big. It seems pedantic, ha, but in this case it could’ve been difference between hundreds of thousands.

There’s a lot of complicated factors here. For one, I was raised by my mother (my father being the provider), who instilled these passive behaviour patterns into me and my sibling. She taught us to not question her and respect her authority, and so living under her household I continued these patterns until now, early adulthood. But it’s not as though I was not a conscious person with a free will leading up to now, and I knew that a problem brewed in my family – the lines of responsibility intersect with the lines of victim-hood by circumstance – everything is blurry and deep in the past, it’s up to me to interpret the past to guide my future.

I like to give a lot of thought in my posts too, i guess. I’ve hardly addressed what I’ve wanted to say yet, but I have to leave and continue later. Sorry! I will return to finish this post, as soon as I can.

Before I part, Velvet, you mentioned my mother was lucky to have a son like me. But even more so I feel that I and world are beyond fortunate to have anyone like you.

Best regards,

Kirin

[bananaman]

Hello, I realized it’s strange being called bananaman.

Y’all can call me Kirin if you’d like. It’s a pleasure to be here.

[Author]

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