[B Free]

I love my family more than gambling.
To gamble while owing dear friends and family money is horrible betrayal, so gambling is not even an option as I have many good people to repay.
Gambling is a lie. The chase is a lie. The urge is a whisper from the addiction and devil – a lie veiled in a fleeting hope.
$200 a month to gamble is nothing – I burn through that in 5 minutes. But $200/month is $2,400 a year – a nice holiday with the family. $2,400/month for 15 years is $36,00 which is a nice chunk of college, or home down payment, or security for my then 18 year old daughter. $200 a month is a LOT of money in the right perspective.

More reminders later…

[B Free]

I appreciate yoru encouragement, Steev.  I managed to get through day 2 but not day 3.  I took that loan and chased a lost chase of a lost chase, and you guessed it, I lost.  I told my wife the clanging in my head and the loss from the past few days was unbearable, and that I was going to take a shot.  We have no co-dependency so she is incredible and supportive and always acknowledges that the decision is mine without any control over me – very healthy but she has also reached her wits end.  I promised her that I am setting a six month goal and that if I break that promise I will enroll in a serious medical treatment program.  

This morning is Day One.  I have to say that I feel different than usual.  I regret my decision, and I am unhappy with myself, but it isn’t the normal pit of despair, inner rage and sadness and frustration.  I feel some resolve and confidence even though I just fell off last night.  For the past week I have been listening to After Gambling podcast and started reading Allen Carr’s Easy to Quit, and reading this forum.  I have been doing guided meditation for the first time in my life the past two weeks – on YouTube just searching “letting go of regret” or new beginnings, etc and there is a ton of great material.  And it will lull you to sleep, don’t listen while driving.

Up until 5 years ago, I was single and had no real responsibility to anyone but myself.  It made it very hard to quit gambling – living in Vegas, making decent money, etc.  Now with a wife and daughter to answer to and to be responsible for, I feel confident that with her support and this new multi-faceted source of education, support, and daily awareness-raising that I can succceed at this, and start the next chapter of life.  The one where I thrive and am an excellent husband and father.  We’ve moved back to Vegas but I have been down that road so many times with the lifestyle and struggling to get away from gambling – it is really old hat.  I can do ti differently this time.  I can let go of the $300K+ losses over the past 17 years – being a good father and husband for the next 17 years is far more important than that money, plus over the next 5-10 years, I know I can make it back doing extra projects at work.  So, why dwell on the losses and chase a ghost with such beauty in real life right before me?  I feel good.  

I told my best friend this week I have a serious problem and that we are going to have to go to non-gaming establishments for our happy hour meet-ups.  Told another wealthy friend who gambles full time every day to not ever invite me to a casino again.  Restaurants for dinner only, no late night cocktails in casinos ever. (used to be our norm)

On the podcast, he mentions that one father – his daughters confronted him on robbing them of their entire childhoods from gambling away the family money over all those years.  Had I had a daughter for 10-12 of my past 17 years, I would have totally done the same, I was in the worst depths of addiction.  It breaks my heart to think about and I am going to cling to that horrible idea and know that if I don’t get this demon out of my life, I will be suffering the same conversation with my wife and daughter in another 17 years.

Wishing you a successful day.  Day one done.

[B Free]

After severe damage this past week and access to a loan, I am fighting a strong urge to take a chance and chase the loss. To do that would be to betray my daughter, my wife, and my self. In the grand scheme of life, the past week’s damage is negligible, whereas to succeed in leaving gambling behind is an epic victory. That knowledge and true perspective will carry me through to success today. Life is a gift, gambling is a lie.

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