[Austin123]

I have been keeping myself really busy and trying to get more work done. I am happy about the progress I have been making and hoping to gain more momentum. I have resisted to have any negative confrontation with my boss, he knows how to rub me off the wrong way, but so far I have resisted any temptation of back insults or complaining about the load of work he is pushing my way. My other colleague has taken full advantage of the rift between myself and my boss..and he has become the favorite go-to-guy. I would have preferred a different working environment, but until I can find another employment I have to be strong enough to make it work.

My wife and I have been really distant since my last casino outing 17 days ago…we have been very quite and hardly ever had a conversation. For some reason I feel really down when I am around her, she has tried to make a conversation and I have just cut it short for some reason.

I dont like the state I am in, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed about my situation and other times I am upbeat and actually looking forward to overcoming these challenges. I would like to know how to overcome these swing of emotions.

I have managed to take a 5km jog, which felt very good. It is so cold i have not been able to take any run..it is one of my best medicines to let negativity off my my system. But i need to be careful not to over do it and wake my calf injury..so although i fell i can do 10 or 15 k..i need the discipline to nurse my injury.
But i am doing much better that 15 days ago when everything was just dark and directionless. I believe that so long as my pocket is not leaking because of gambling I can overcome whatever financial challenges i currently find myself in.

I am praying for better days, I hope I can find a new job soon and I would like to return my relationship with my wife back to normal.

It is really tough..but I am taking it one day at a time. One small positive step at a time.

[Austin123]

I had a really quiet weekend, spend most of the time with my family indoors. I kept myself busy with some cable installations for extra TV point upstairs. We have also being bothered by pigeons on top of the roof, so I put a dummy owl to scare them away and it worked, for the first time in 6 weeks we slept very peacefully. But on Saturday morning I was really down for no reason, i did not like it and that early in the morning i had my first drink. My wife was away for a greater part of the day, attending a baby shower,and i stayed with the kids. So I took them to do their hair at the salon and while we were there I felt so drunk and exhausted. Only the younger one saw how uncomfortable I was, and I did not like that she saw me in that state. I was really drunk, i would have thrown up if I had something to eat, I was just throwing up air..and my young one was looking. eish! But fortunately no one else noticed. i never want be like that again.

i hoping to complete lots of my work this week and just hoping that God give me the strength to resist the temptation of getting into an argument with my boss..I have committed myself to making our work relationship work and will actively take the lead in that. I do not want to see myself to having reacted badly after his usual insults and negative insinuations.
Today is also my brother’s birthday, me and him have not being talking for a few months primarily because i had a fallout with his wife. In one of those Christmas lunches, she was throwing insults and really bad words to my niece for no reason, she is type of person who like to look down on the less fortunate and she has been a common factor in all the Christmas fall outs. i dont even know how to describe her..anyway I defended my niece and after a couple of weeks my brother was trying to defend her, obviously. I mean all my family members knows what type of person she is, only my brother sees otherwise..In any case we stopped talking after an argument and haven’t spoken since..it has been about 9 months..i chose not to attend the following Christmas lunch. But I decided to send him a happy birthday wish, just to try and pave the way to us mending things again. He was very happy with my msg.

After having watched the comrades marathon this weekend, I have decided to start focusing on being physically fit as part of my rehabilitation goals. My tummy area is just out of proportion and I want to start digging it down. I must eat better, reduce my drinking habit and exercise more.

One day at a time

[Austin123]

I had a goo day yesterday..I managed to do a lot of work that I was falling behind with and fortunately my boss was not here. He is not here again today, but I have just discovered that he has given one of my project to my colleague, honestly he made it extremely difficult for me to get it started and I always felt like he was setting me up for failure. Now I know he will have a field day in months to come and even go extra length to make it easy for my colleague to complete the project. But in any case, I am ok with it and will thank him for taking it off my plate. Today I asked my wife to give me the bank card because I need to pay for my daughter class photos. She left it for me and later called to ask if I received the pin. I think she is trying to come around. But just holding that card in my hands reminded me of the casino. I know that if I have not self-excluded myself, somehow before this day is over i will be sitting on the tables. I am so grateful that I swallowed my pride and self-excluded. I do not have any trip outside my Province or country for the next few months so i feel safe. I also do soccer bets, but have avoided them since i took a decision to stop with casino…i know as a compulsive gambler i should stay away from all form of gambling, but i know deep down that i will put a soccer bet in the near future. I shoud’nt but i feel i am not read to give it up yet. That is me just being honest with myself. But as for black jack.. i dont ever want to put a bet on it because i am not able to stop the chase..i can play 24 hrs non-stop. I once lost R 90 000 in one night. My head was spinning for weeks. I am going through my days trying to focus on the now and as difiicult as it is, forget about my past and not think too much about the debts , but just do the best i can on the day. I have also being reading a lot of other peoples journals..some are very sad stories and God bless of of you. One day at a time.

[Austin123]

I have been thinking a lot about my past and how reckless I have been with my finances. So, sometimes I feel optimistic and other times I feel so down and discouraged. My moods swings so often in a day. I am now out of cash, we have some money in our joint account, but asking my wife for some pocket money just brings her sadness all over again. We are really not doing well but i know it will improve in time. She is a very beautiful woman and I can see how my actions have brought tremendeous sadness to her throughout the years. That is the thing about my gambling, the worst thing will not be about loosing money, but keeping a secret about the money I lost. Then after telling the truth there is a transfer of negative emotions from me to her..I will really feel ok and look at her face overwhelmed with deep sadness. Very unfair. I am very happy with my kids, two daughters and the love I have for them has scored me some extra credit..Without them I am not sure if we will still be here. I have not seen my boss in over 2 weeks and my work is a bit behind with all the travelling I have been doing. I have already seen some of his negative remarks on emails and his attitude on video conferencing yersterday. At this momement I need to hold on to my job with everything I got, so he can bring his worst I can handle it. I am really prepared to try and improve our working relationship as hard as it will be. So, I am still doing small things that makes me feel good inside..i look clean, I am always on time and above all I am not gambling..not even sports betting. Thanx for you message Charles..

One day at a time.

[Austin123]

The past fout days have been very busy for me. I am now back in Johannesburg from the mountain Kingdom of Lesotho. The good thing is that I have not set my foot in a Casino for black jack. It was not without temptations though. Yet anorther event was hosted at the Casino..again i did not opt to go, but i could not stay in a hotel room again, so i decided to go to local pub, I met a colleague who also did not want to join the rest of the group at the Casino. Later on, some other delegates joined and we must have dranked the whole night. In the morning after realisng how much I spent, that feeling creeped in again..it is like i wanted to win back what i spent the previous night, but i did not give in. On the second occassion, i was noticing that i am running low on cash and had that feeling to go and play. But I am happy I did not give in. We are now talking with my wife, but things are not 100%. She agreed to take a loan to cover our montlhy expenses and that took a lot of weight off my shoulder. The next loan I take will be for my own house. I have a long way to go, but i feel very optimistic about my future. Now that I am safe around Gauteng, i will be concentrating on my work, my family and debt rehabilitation. I feel so much different from 8 days ago..it is still early but i am excited about overcoming all my challenges.

[Austin123]

Yertserday was a much better day for me, emotionally. I did not break down or dwell on negative thinking about debts and past. I made a significant contribution to the conference and influenced it to adopt a certain proposal. It felt veey good. One of our delegates did not attend this conference and the head of delegation asked me to fill for him. So I will be making a presentation today..i am hoping to ace it..just to help give me more confidence and uplift my spirit. There was anorther dinner last nite, it was my intention to attend and network, but I found out the venue has a casino. So I just ate at my hotel and spend the rest of the night preparing my presentation. I could not handle not speaking to my wife, so i decided to try and call her..this time she answered…I have never said so many sorries inside 10 seconds..i did not anticipate she will pick up, so i did not prepare a proper speech..she did not make any conversation but I was glad to hear here voice. This months bills are beggining to come..but i will just deal it when I arrive back home..one thing I learned about gambling is that somehow a solution always comes. One day at a time..i will get there. Thanks for the support.

[Austin123]

Yersterday was a really tough day for me..I was just an emotuonal wreck and easily breaking down. I dont know how many times my eyes were full of tears while attendinf the conference. Triggered by many things. I met some of my varsity friends..they have made so much progress in thier careers..executive head of this..chief technical what what..and i t got to me..feeling sorry for myself. There was also a social media article about a former soccer star that askes people to pray for him because he is a gambling addict..he was just mocked and laughed at by so many people. It just brought tears to my eyes.

I want to get out of the emotional down state..so I put my best outfit to the conference and looked really clean. The way delegates responded gave me some boost. I also worked on building and improving my relationship with my boss..send a couple of emails apologising about non submission of some tasks..and thanking him for sending me to this conference..he must have been really suprised..we despise each other..but i am going to commit myself to resolving that.

I sent a “Hi” message to my wife..ifcourse she did not respond..I I felt so empty in the evening. I was supposed to attend this dinner..but i just could not. I also wantee to avoid alcohol..bevause i have already noticed where the casino is. I missed my familt so much..i called my niece just to speak to my kids..hearing the voices..and them being so happy was awesome. Atleast I was able to havr some good 8 hour sleep.

For now, I am going to focus on getting myself out of this negative emotional state. I do small good things that makes me better..one day at a time.

Thanks for the message of support.

[Austin123]

Thank you for messages of support.

I self excluded myself from all Casinos in Gauteng Province. I felt really good about it. But I had a tough day, emotionally full of anger and easily getting iritated. It got better by the day, though.

My wife is so upset with me, and unfortunately we could not speak yersterday. I tried to apply for a loan, my speciality, to cover our this month expenses and to cover the business trip cost..she called the bank and cancelled it. Now I had to use money meant to cover rent, bcos missing this trip will seriously compromise my employment. So before I left home I put the confirmation of self exxlusion and a letter asking her to reapply for the loan and to give me a last chance. I hope it is not too little too late..but after reading some of the stories here, i feel I will accept any eventuality.

The rest of this week, I will be in different Province, and then in a neighboring country…where my self exclusion will not apply.
But I dont feel the cravings..i feel so much hate towards Casinos right now.

[Author]

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