[Austin123]

Wow..40 days and 40 nights. I am very happy to be where i a at the moment. i look back to day number one, when I felt like a piece of it and everything was on the brink of breaking up. Today I am in a much much better mental and spiritual place. Bit by bit i will put my life together.

it has been an easy two days..it is freezing cold..so there are no edges to go out or anything..just going from work and back to be with family is good enough.

A couple of days ago as i was scrolling Facebook, I came across a quote ” The point of Buddhism is to teach us that we are all capable of much more than we might believe we are” ~ Mogan Freeman. So I Googled a bit about Buddhism and come across one of Ajahn Brahm’s youtube video–The four ways of letting go. It was so inspiring to me and in a way has validated the principles I have used to get to day 40.

Firstly, I have stopped to beating myself up about how much I have lost, what i could have done with the money, how far behind I am compared to my varsity friends and son. I have choose to let go and deal with the issues of the day..and so far it has worked for me. I used to feel so awful that, although i have earned more than an average South African for the past 8 years..i have nothing tangible to show for it except huge debts..i have never bought a house and this was killing me..but today I have accepted it and moved on. When i pray, I say God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change. I think God has granted me that serenity and I am so grateful about it. The other good thing that I loved about this video was to work on changing my attitude so that my work environment is not my prison. He taught me that, no matter how hard it is..or what anybody does, I can be able to rise above any situation..no matter how bad it is.

I will recommend it to anyone, not only recovering addicts, but these are amazing amazing teachings ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USC5MJVZLy8 or google “Fourways of leeting go”.

I am looking forward to the weekend, nothing major planned but just to sit and hangout with my family is something to look forward to.

One day at a time, we will get there eventually. God bless you all and have a wonderful weekend away from gambling.

[Austin123]

I have not done much in the past two days, just going to work and back home. I have not been thinking about the cards at all, just the thought of entering the casino makes my heart beat fast. My moods and emotions are now very stable, i hardly turn from hot to cold like in the first few weeks of my recovery.

It feels good to have a “normal” life for a change..no more lies, sneaking out and spending nights and nights away from my home. Yes it feels good to be “normal”.

It is long way from home, but one day at a time, i will get there eventually. I got to there!

[Austin123]

Thank you RG for your message, you have been a good friend to me and i am very happy to hear you are still fighting.

Hi Steev, thank you for your message. Most of the time I am just documenting my thoughts ,daily events and challenges in my life and this journey to recovery. It is not necessarily to seek advice, but really any comment from a fellow member is always welcome, if anything it may help provoke a certain thought that help in my decision making or recovery progress.

I had an ok weekend..on Saturday I decided to clean up on the cable installation that I did a couple of weeks ago, making sure it is tidy and there are no cables hanging loose on the wall or ceiling. I spent the rest of Saturday with my wife and kids just watching Netflix and lazying around.

On Sunday I went for an early morning run, again I had a very good run. I noticed it is better when I skip a few days in between than to try and do it every second day with bad runs now and again. I love it! Later we took the kids to theme park and we had a really good time. The kids were so excited and i just realized how quickly they grow up. My oldest one was not allowed in many of the kiddies rides..like she used to a year or two ago. It was just a great day.

We have decided to let go of our helper..my wife has been wanting to do for a few months now..i was against it because, although she had good reasons..terminating employment is not a nice thing to do. But it had to be done. We have also put in a notice to terminate my youngest one’s nursery school..she hardly attends it and when she does..she can hardly go through the entire month without getting sick. So i am initiating a home development program ahead of her Grade 0 next year. So, I am expecting to have more ammunition paying up my debts in the next couple of months.

I also decided not to apply for my previous post..my work situation is currently not good for me but taking this step will just be a short term solution for my current situation..but my career progress will suffer some detriment. I dont want it hanging over my thoughts for long and I will stick it out with my current boss until I get the job that is suitable. Or who know, the situation might even change inside my current organisation. So I am leaving it in the hands of the Lord and will hang in there for as long as it takes.

It is day 36..one day at a time I go forward with the believe and hope that HE has not brought me this far to let me fail.

[Austin123]

I discovered that a certain position that I used to hold in my previous organisation has been advertised. So, I spent most of my evening thinking of whether to apply for it or not.

I was one of the best performers in this organisation, started in this advertised position and then promoted to manage a different division within two years.

I do not want to apply because of a few reasons. Firstly, It will be emotionally taxing for me if I am not the selected candidate. If everything was fair, I will get this job hands down. But since leaving that organisation I have tried a couple of times to return without success. There are senior officials who are blocking my way because they were not happy about how I left the company three years ago. I hoping they can overlook that because this is not such a high position.

The second reason is, obviously I will have to give up a few thousands rands a month because of the salary drop.

Thirdly, I will have to face the humiliation of returning back to where I started..it is in a sense a demotion.

I want to apply for it because I know the environment and i will be more happier there. The closing date is on July 11 and I will toss and turn about it for a few more days.

But in way this job advertisement got me thinking a lot about how I got to my current situation..again i realize how much gambling has negatively influenced my decisions. I would have not left my previous organisation..in fact, even in my previous organisation, I dont think i would have wanted to apply for the manager job that i was given..because I was so happy doing what I was doing then. But because of gambling debts I kept on making decisions based on how much money will i get if a take a certain position.

So yah, all these thoughts about this position and my past and my current situation got me into a mild low…but today it is Friday and that is just good enough.

We are still pushing..one day at a time.

[Austin123]

I am having a better day today, I have been able to do some work yesterday and today. But I keep on getting more work..I dont know how this man thinks I am going to do all of this things. But I have chosen not to complain anymore..just record how i spend my time at work, because really he has been very unreasonable the way he distributes work between myself and my colleague..but i dont have the energy to keep fighting it..i will just do the best I can until I can find another employment.

After work, I just wen straight home, helped with the cooking and relaxed watching the African Nations Cup, then off to bed. I am having good sleeps..it has been a while since one of those awful nights when one is tossing and turning thinking of how stupid can one be. Never is a very long time, but i do not wanna put my soul in the hell hole again.

Today is a much better day than yesterday. I arrived on time and have been on top of my work ever since…taking a couple of small walks to stretch my legs..i am hoping my next run will be as good as my last. so i carry on one day at a time and I will get to that special place that the almighty has in store for me..I believe that.

[Austin123]

I feel a little better today..I needed payday to uplift my spirit a bit. This is another milestone, my first salary after deciding to come on this self-rehabilitation platform. I have already spent most of it, making sure that all the bills are paid up, debts are paid with a little bit extra and left something aside for family nice time. My goal this month is to struggle through the month and hoping to get to the end of it without having to go for my credit card or even worse ask for more money from the bank. The past few days having been emotionally bad for me, I could not even come to work yesterday. I went to do our monthly grocery list and after which had to take my niece to catch her long distance bus..she is visiting her mom for a couple of days about 450 km from our place. After that, I bought some takeaways for our evening meal as there was no electricity due to some substation maintenance. It has been so cold for the past few days, but this morning I managed to wake up and went jogging for about an hour twenty minutes. I have not done a morning run in a long time and it felt amazing. So today I am at work, i feel a little bit better and I am hoping to get some work done. Some days are very good, some days are good, some days are just okay, some days are bad and some days are very bad, but i am taking it one day at a time and dealing with issues of that time. So long as i am not on the tables, playing black jack or anywhere in the casino I am making progress. Thank you GT.

[Austin123]

The past few days have been a bit of a drag..I have been really low and hardly been able to push any work. I am not sure what is it, but I know that in times like this I am so grateful for the self-exclusion, because I would have definitely ran to the casino for some Adrenalin shot! So I will take this low moods over black jack anytime.

On Saturday I was invited to a 40th birthday celebration of a colleague..I was so looking forward to it during the week, but when the day finally arrived I was just not in the mood. So I stayed at home on Netflix the whole day.

On Sunday my mood still had not changed, so I took my family to a different church than ours. A more upbeat church..with live bands..surround audio and high projectors. I enjoyed it a bit, but they did not. But even that could not do the trick..I was still very down spiritually.

So today it is back to work I have been here for about two hours already, but i am still not in gear. I have just opened up my journal and realized just how much progress I have made in the past 28 days. Not only have i not played black jack for the entire month, I have spend so much time with my family, my marriage is well on its way to healthy status and I have made tremendous progress to improving my work environment..something I have failed to handle in the past three years.

So, I will take these low moods anytime, just to make these little advances that improves my living. It is hard but I have to stay strong..one day at a time.

[Austin123]

It has been a sluggish few days, especially at work. I have not done as much as I would have liked in the past two days. I hoping to have a better today.

My niece wants to study teaching, but her grades where so low she could not be admitted into most programmes. So I enrolled her for a certificate course in early childhood development. I have just discovered that it will not help much, in terms of admission into further tertiary programs. This got me a bit stressed out and I spent a few days searching for alternatives.

Other than that, all is going well..my family is very happy and I am not gambling, ofcourse.

one day at a time.

[Austin123]

Thank you very much RG. I had an awesome long weekend, spent with my wife’ sister and her family. Although i was hesitant to visit, I am glad i went because not only did we have a good time, I feel me and my wife are closer than before our visit. So it was good. This morning I found a new email from my boss..he was assigning a huge task..and i felt he was up to his old tricks again…i was so disappointed and felt sudden stress because we were doing so well. I held my response to avoid sying something nasty..and i prayed that i have the strength and energy to accept and look fwd to this new assignment on top of everything else. So later on he started a conversation which i did not entertain..i think he realised that and he started talking very professionally about this new task..i was happy about it because we have made so much progress and i have realised he want this relationship to work as much as i do…so we ended the day well. I have had some low momements..but day by day they became few and far apart. So one day at a time, I am becoming stronger and stronger and my positive outlook and attitude is making every day a little better than the day before. One day at a time.

[Austin123]

Last night we went to visit my wife’s sister to celebrate her husband’s birthday. We had an awesome night out with great food, alcohol and laughter..it was really good. I still managed to wake up to do my morning jog, it was a great run, i did 8km and my leg did not have any issues afterwards. I then spend the rest of my day just lazing around..i have learnt it is ok not to be always on a high..so i took a nap and just woke up to watch TV. I am not allowing anything to drive me into a self-pity mode..there are conversations or things on TV that triggers those feeling of regret or sudden realisation of the reality of my situation..but I fight not to dwell in it and find a way to direct my mind to escape it. It is almost the end of Day 21..it is still early days considering the road ahead..but I am doing it..one day at a time. Thanx GT.

[Austin123]

Anorther good day for me, at work and at home. On Monday it is a public holiday and this long weekend, we have been invited to two events. I was not looking fwd to a couple of days ago..but now i feel up to it…I just hope no one ask me that dreaded question again..so have you bought a house?..oohh why cant they just mind thier own business. I am approaching my life one day at a time, naturing what i love and what i need most, accepting the depth of the challenge and looking to the future with more optimism. It is a tough challenge I am facing, that much I admit..but i will not face it with a defeated spirit..so all in God’s time.

[Austin123]

I have thought about it..i think when the time is right i will go..but i had a not so nice expirence years ago. All my counsellor could focus on was my debts and how to pay them..it sounded more like financial advisor than a counsillor. And again if i attend six sessions, then I am eligible to uplift my self exclusion, i dont wanna open that opportunity currently. But in time when certain things in my life are in place..i will go for counselling. Thanx.

[Austin123]

Thank you RG for reading my story and for your comments. I gave my home situation some thought, so in the early hours of this morning , while we were in bed i touch her feet with mine..she dis not react positively but she did not back away either. I waited a few more minutes and tried again..this time she touched back..and the rest was history…it is not like us to be so distant for such a long time..it does not solve everything but we are atleast chatting again..i need to apologise properly for what i have done..but i must demostrate my abilty to resolve first. So it looks like things will shape up here as well.

I had anirther good day..my work was only about this meeting and i was making good contributions. I know my boss does not like being overshadowed, so i made sure he gives approval fir any proposal that I made..so far we are still good. I will continue to work on this.

I tried to go for a jog, but my legs were just to heavy. On tuesday i went for a walk around lucntime, just to clear my head off office setup..it was about 1km single way. And later went for 5km jog. Then yersterday lunch time i took the same walk again..but this time i went twice because i thought i lost my car keys..long story..so that day i did 4km walk. So today my legs were just too heavy and decided to stop running…and instead made a braai for our supper…which everyone in the house enjoyed.

I feel really good..there were no mood swings today and I am looking forward to tommorrow…and may be tonight as well :))).

I still have a long way to go and there are big challenges ahead..but i feel i am on my way to giving the best version of me yet. It is only 18 days..but today is much better than day one..so i will build on it and take it one day at a time.

[Austin123]

I was a bit angry in the early morning, but today was a good day. I did well at work completing one of my projects in time and making contribution to other team projects. I need to keep operating at that level. I am still working on my relationship with my boss..i know how to rub him the right way..and bit by bit I will get there.

I agreed to go to a birthday celebratuon of my brother in law this coming saturday , even though um not in mood to mingle. But not going will put more drift between me and my wife and going may bring us a little closer…or may be disastrous

I also met a guy..a mechanic, he noticed a funny sound from my car’s engine and told me what it was..he seemed very knowlegable..we exchanged numbers and i hope he will not cost me an arm and a leg…i was happy we met.

It was a very good day..day by day..i will get there….

[Austin123]

i have been reading your journal and think that you are truly amazing..you have inspired me to hang in there. I cannot believe with so much happening in your life..you can work 2..3 jobs and still study..and pass for that matter. God bless you and you give hope for all of us. ..BTW , I share your sentiments about GA.

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