[Austin123]

Another 14 days have passed in my recovery journey and I have not been to the casino for 145 days.

It feels extremely good to be at this point. I have had an ordinary two weeks with mostly just attending to routine activities.

I have had bad moments though..there were a couple of days when I felt that I really want to go play black jack. At some point it was almost certain that i will go. I had to fight really hard avoid state of mind..at first I went for a jog and later on when the edge was still there I went to visit a friend of mine that I have not seen for a while..and took only enough cash for a a bottle. I realized that it was the fact that i was by myself for sometime on a weekend that created those edges. A situation i used to exploit to the fullest before my recovery journey. I was able to survive..this time..i hate that i still have these thoughts and still entertaining them.

My weight loss efforts are showing good dividends..i feel so good about my progress and am currently lighter than i have been in a very very longtime. i have stayed strictly on Banting diet and also complemented it with regular exercises..i have not yet received an acknowledgement from anyone (except my wife) so I ll assume it is all in my mind..i feel so good though.

it is still all so good and the journey continues. One step at a time!

[Austin123]

Hi Jen I hope you are holding up ok and i just wanted to let you know than my thoughts are with you, pop in and say hi when you get a chance.

I appreciate the last comment you left on my thread, thank you.I hope you realize how much on an inspiration your progress was to me..and i think to many other people. Even if you start yet another day one tomorrow, when I am 1000 days..you will be on 868 days..wouldn’t that just be awesome.?

I hope to see you again…and keep well.

[Austin123]

It has been 14 days since my last post, i think the longest time I have not accessed this platform since the beginning of my recover. Which is good..the longer I can stay away without support, it means the more “normal” I am becoming…i think!

Finally our vacation came and gone and it was too amazing (with a capital A) for all of us. For a good four days we had nothing but fun, water slides, beach swimming..more swimming, ice cream, alcohol, nothing to door..four amazing nights….aaah..it was good!

I came back to a lot work waiting for me back at office, i might need to spend some time this weekend trying to half it..unpaid for that matter. So one gets the leave days..but the work still needs to be done..

So all was good..the casino has not been on my mind, i have had no cravings. In fact there were times when I knock off early from work..the feeling of wanting to gamble will come..because that is what i used to do before this recovery. It will be the perfect time for me because my wife thinks i am still at work. Those feelings are not so intense anymore..i dislike that it still crosses my mind..but i am happy the edge is not that overpowering.

..and my weight loss efforts…eish!..I will start again on Monday..i have a vacation for a good excuse and it is so difficult to start again..but i will keep trying..it is for my own good.

Apologies if you notice my broken english…it is not my mother tongue..but I am trying.

Day 131 done!..it is still baby steps..but i will get there God willing.

God bless you all.

[Austin123]

It is now day 17 of my second hundred since the last time I played black jack or entered the casino door.

The past week has been “normal” doing mostly routine staff, going to work and looking after family, with really no major highlights.

I have spent a lot of effort on controlling and sticking to my diet. Big mistake I decided to go on the scale yesterday and found that I have only lost 1 kg from the last tie i went up on the scale…really?? after so much effort??..I planned to go on the scale only after someone, other than my wife, notices my progress…ayayaya..it really discourages. But I kinda like the challenge and even though the progress is mynute, the feeling is huge and it is rewarding waking up in the morning knowing that the day before I have eaten only the things that were in my plans. I also like this challenge because it has taken my focus away from “not gambling” and into something else that will also yield positive results.

I was hurt a couple of days ago to hear learn that Jen has relapsed after 40 or so days. I hope she gets back in her and i hoping to find some time and words to put on her thread.

Another 7 days gone..and I am still committed to taking small, fulfilling steps.

God bless!

[Austin123]

Thank you Murr for your comments, yes this is my 10th day of my second hundred days and i have not had a single entry into the casino. fortunately for me, online gambling is not my pill. I am very happy with my small achievement. It was not without many attempts though. I cannot even begin to ***** how many times I left the casino and said this is the last time, i cant do this to myself anymore..only to be back within three days. So this platform has been the key to my recovery so far. Like you, I also saw a post from a recovering addict here, doing what I am doing now, and I told myself that is how I am also gonna do it…and today I am on day 110. So I hope it also works for you.

I have had a good week. I stuck to my diet plan (Banting) and have not drunk beer as part of my commitment to reduce my weight. Boy, this is even tougher than quiting black jack because there are temptations everywhere…i mean everywhere is food or beer adverts, especially because we are now well into spring. I am avoiding the scale, but I am feeling very good about myself.

I am a little bit disappointed that I had to increase my overdraft..yyaah that sucked a bit, but looking at the money we have now and our holiday coming in week, we were just not gonna get to the end of the month..i felt so bad, but i will be ok.

I have hardly thought about gambling this week, i hope to stay that way forever. I hope someday it is just a distant memory and something that i hardly ever think about..something that is completely in the past..in another lifetime, i wonder if anyone ever gets there…may be in a 1000 days??

So all is well…family is good..work is good and I am on day 10 of my 2nd century.

All the best to everyone out there and God bless.

[Austin123]

Hi Jen

Sorry to hear about your family friend, may her soul rest in peace.

It feels so good to me to see your numbers climbing up, you have build a very solid base and keep it up. Easy really does it, hey.

Austin

[Austin123]

Thank you Steev and Jen for having my back! much appreciated 🙂

I am happy to say that I did not gamble while I was away, within a day or two i was over the temptations and focused on something else, enjoying the beachfront, conversations with colleagues and morning runs. But a few days later, i another serious cravings. i was attending a function on Saturday night and at one point towards the middle of the night I felt a bit out of place and was seriously thinking about heading to a nearby Casino which is on the border of my province and another province. The Casino is actually located in my province, but no one will argue with me if I say I thought it was in bordering province. But again I managed to get hold of myself.

It feels good to be beyond a hundred days. I am feeling very strong and I have developed goals for my next hundred days.

I have not really been paying my debts as much as I should, now I feel like the time has arrived for me to do the best that i can..i have not missed any of my bills or taken a loan in the past 100 days, but I know I can do better than i have been doing..

i have to get my weight to healthy levels and levels that makes me look good. It really bother me, I dont feels excessively over weight, but i wanna look better and i wanna be within healthy BMI. So, I have to commit myself to the effort that is required.

and finally I would like to bridge the gap between myself and my brother. It is really a tough one , but I dont feel ok to leave the situation as it is for a life time. It is the toughest of my goals, I feel, but i have faith that, if i try, God will give me the wisdom for my resolve.

So on top of maintaining what I have already accomplished so far, good family, good work relation and being gambling free, I d be very happy to add just these three things and sort them out in the next 97 days.

It is a tough journey..but it is still a journey and with the right frame of mind it can actually be an enjoyable one. Great stories are not those of smooth rides through life, but great stories are those of people who have overcome difficult challenges. Bit by bit, I am writing a great story.

Good bless you and do your best to stay gambling free.

[Austin123]

Hi Jen

Great job, you are doing really well. Keep it up girl!

The is so true about quick cash..it disappears so quckly on useless things most of the time..and then one has to go back to casino to try and get it back…i mean this is so silly!

[Austin123]

Thanks, Jen, RG and Hambone for your wonderful messages and support.

I have had a relatively quiet time over the last 11 days, just spending time with family, being there for kids and doing normal routines.. This too is ok, just to do basic stuff and doing them really well.

I am away for a week on work, i really miss them. I am in one of the provinces were my self exclusion does not apply. I really should have attended to it by now, but since I have been using public transport I have not being able to. This morning I searched for Casinos in the area, not only that I checked to see if they have black jack tables and the times that they operate. I felt really bad just doing that, it is like I have gambled already. What a monster this thing really is.

A few days ago I had a really bad dream..I had gone back to my old ways. I lost my entire salary (as I have done many times) and had to go to the bank to seek a new loan to cover my monthly expenses (again as I have done many times). It was such a painful dream, I woke up still feeling the pain..i was so disappointed in myself and worse I did no longer think that I am capable of changing..it hurt so bad.

I will use the pain I felt in this dream as a reminder of how it will feel. When I am tempted I will not entice myself with the possibility of winning, I will remember this dream and how it really feels to gamble. And this is how I managed to snap out of the temptation I felt this morning.

I have been gambling for 15 years. Today i have not been in the casino for 93 days..it sound very little by the scale of things..but it has been the best life i have had in the past 15 years. I have never been able to go so long without hitting the tables in 15 years. In these few days, my wife loves me again, i have spent so much time with kids, I have not had a single loan, all my bills are paid on time, I have managed to improve my work relationship with my boss (something i struggled with for 3 years) and I am happy for a change. So I will continue to abstain, do simple things, take baby steps and pray.

[Austin123]

Hi Jen

I have just cried reading your entire thread because I saw myself in you. I have also been gambling for so many many years, i cried, i hated God..on many occasions i will be the only person on the road around 03:00 in the morning. Reading your stories just brought that overwhelming feelings.

Well done for another try..one drop of water fills a bucket. Keep it up!

[Austin123]

Thank you I did it and Jen for your lovely comments, they really mean a lot to me.

The week did not start that well. On Saturday my wife took the kids to do their hair at the nearby salon. I normally drive them around on weekends (well since my non-gambling days), but because I was nursing my flu, i decided to stay in bed almost the entire day. They all come back crying, including my wife, my heart was pumping so fast as they all walked into my arms. I thought an accident may be..but then my older daughter starting telling the story in her cry. Two men walked into the salon, one had a gun, they closed the door and ordered everyone on the floor, searching their bags and pants and taking whatever is available. From my wife’s bag, they took about $150, her phone, and two tablets that belong to my kids. And then she said one of them hit mommy on the face..i just went furious, took the car and went looking for those bastards..my blood was just boiling. Needless to say they were gone..I am still so mad just writing about it. Crime is just a stats until it happens directly to you..then it is something so unfair and outrageous. At the end of it, we just have to be grateful that no one was hurt and everyone seems to be over it except me. I am still tracking one of the tablets and as soon as it is connected, i will be able to see its locations. Damit!

Other than that, I suffered one of the most horrible flu ever..i honestly thought it was more than it..i lost about 7 kg in a space of 10 days..I wanna loose some weight but this is not the way..i think i must have went for four days eating only one apple a day because I did not have any appetite. But I am now fully recovered and feeling my old self again. Boy that was horrible.

As we approach the weekend, I am feeling good, my family is fine, my work is so unbelievably fine and i am getting stronger and stronger by the day. So this really works, staying out of the casino, dealing only with issues of today, baby steps, and taking it one day at a time. God bless all of you and have a great weekend!

[Austin123]

Thank you i did it for reading my journal and I am happy that you found some of the things I do useful for your own recovery.

I have been battling ill health for the past week or so and have been bed ridden and not able to go to work…killer flu it is and I am relived that it is the only problem. I have been on blood pressure medication since 2012 and doctors have always predicted that i will eventually suffer some kidney complications..I thought it is finally happening, but after some blood tests..both kidneys are perfect. I was not able to sleep for 4 nights, I have never suffered such torture in my life, so the doctors advised that i stay off antibiotics and was finally able to get some sleep. Good health though, it takes priority over everything doesn’t it? It was really a wake up call and I have to take better care of myself. I am still not fully recovered but i am feeling much better.

My car insurance made a payout of about $1600 towards damages on my car, i was able to fix it for a fraction of that payout and the car is working fine. The most responsible thing was to put most of it towards my debts, but after what i have put my family through this year, I have decided to spoil them with a vacation in the next few weeks..we cant wait. And there was also a bit left to fix some minor issues on my wife’s car as well.

So a few weeks ago I decided not to apply for my previous positions, well my old friend called to tell me that he had been invited for the interview and knowing that i used to hold that position he asked me to help with with the preparations. We spend a a couple of days going through possible questions and what the position is all about and he called to tell me that it went very well..i am keeping my fingers crossed for him.

Gambling has been the furthest thing on my mind, I have not had a single thought or cravings about it…so that is always good.

I keep going one day at time, baby steps until I get to my destination.

God bless all of you

[Austin123]

Another week has passed and the journey continues.

I was affected by thoughts of my relationship with my siblings earlier in my week. This was further enhanced by my niece’s unexpected announcement that she has decided to return back home next week and she will be spending this week with her cousin, not too far from here. As the week went by started to recover from it and accepted that the situations is what it is. So we are staying only the four of us for the first time in like six years..we have always had our helper staying with us to help with the kids. It is awesome..we enjoy each other so much and although it is tough to prepare kids for school and handle all domestic requirements..i think we wanna give it our best shot and not look for a helper for now.

I have not had thoughts of the casino at all, it is slowly beginning to feel like a distant memory. My car still has radiator issues, and I have resorted to public transport to limit its usage. Fortunately my insurance agreed to a payout to have them fixed…yey :-)..so it wont hit my pocket as hard. As a result, I have not being able to do the self exclusion thing. But it ain’t no big deal at the moment.

Those were the highlights of my week..i accept things i cannot change, i stay the hell away from the casino, i have my priorities straight, i take it one day at a time and I pray. still a long long way to go, but i can see and feel the progress. God Bless!

[Austin123]

Hi RG, thank you for your continued support and it is also good to see you fighting back, we really can and will beat this thing.

It has been a long week for me. I found out on Friday the 12th that my teacher’s funeral was on the 13th and not on this coming Saturday as i anticipated. I just felt I wanted to go pay my last respect to the man who has contributed so much to my upbringing. Back then, good teachers were hard to find..and he was the best. May his sweet soul rest in peace.

So off i drove, about 400 km away from my home. Driven the early hours of Saturday and I was constantly thinking about how am I going to avoid gambling in that province. After the funeral I immediately wanted to drive back to my province, first to avoid gambling and secondly because I did not want to over spend. But my sister called me to join them and other high school friends for “after tears”. So I went and boy did we have a lot of fun..it was really really nice to see so many people I grew up with, they were so equally happy to see me..it was great. I was not thinking about gambling anymore and I was happy to have gone to bed without hitting the local casino. But in the morning, I had that “gambling-like” hangover..i guess it is because I spent far too much than I planed to, I dont know why, may be because I am chasing the same “kick” out of spending and drinking as I would get playing cards..i felt a bit irresponsible, but that bad feeling was gone in a couple of hours. Happy i did not gamble.

Unfortunately I hit a hump on my way back and now I am not only broke but I have some radiator leaks that has be quoted at around $1600 to fix. I am not letting it pull me down, though.

My relationship with my brother and sisters has been on my mind a lot lately. I wish we can find time to sit together and be like family. Me and my younger sister we have a very good relationship but I foresee complexities because her husband, i think, wants to act like an agent for my son who is on the brink of signing a football contract with a professional soccer team. I advised him (my son) that he must send me his contract and the contract of his development team to avoid any potential legal issues. My brother in law comes to me and repeats this same advise to me as if he is the one that gave to my son. I kept quite but it bothered me that he acted this way. They have a kid, almost the same age as my son so i guess he (my son) has always been close them. My bro in law is also into development soccer so they interact more frequently. I dont know hey, I have not been an active father to him and feel like my motives will be questioned if I want to get involve now..so it is tough and i have at the back of my head a voice that is telling me to stay out of it.

My older sister, I am staying with her daughter for the past 18 months. I really wanted to take her out of the area that she was staying in, for safety reasons. So even if I was not prepared, I took her in and enrolled her for studies in early childhood development. She wanted to study teaching, but she did not score enough in her exams so we were trying other avenues to get her there. Now she has completed this course and in the next six months she will have nothing to do. I planned to take my youngest daughter out of nursery school for various reasons, and my niece can look after her for the next few months, since her course was related to early childhood development…and we will pay her. But I think she spoke to her mom and they think I am turning her into a nanny or something, so she turned my offer down. Now she is just sitting at home and my wife will not like that for long, I will not like it for long and we will have to send her back home…that will open another can of worms.

And my brother, we have not been that close ever since I had a word-fight with his wife about two years ago. We have not talked much ever since.

So for the first time since my journey started, I feel a little bit of stress. I think these things could be sorted out just with communication and open-mindedness but yeah, it is tough.

The weather is clearing up a bit, we are starting to have more frequent sunny days so I will be running more frequently to offload this things that are weighing down sometimes.

I did not manage to execute the national self-exclusion, but it is very high on my to-do list.

Another week has gone by without gambling, it is now day 53 and the lord is still with me. I leave all these negativeness in HIS hands and take it one day at a time. If I am not gambling, I am winning, I am making progress.

God bless all of you!

[Austin123]

Hi Steev, I am happy you found the video useful and thank you for reading and commenting on my recovery journal.

It has been a fairly quite week for me just spending a lot of time with family and on my work..and both of them are going great.

A few days ago, my boss asked me to make arrangements for business trips for the remainder of the year. There are only two major ones, one is in Province K later in August, it will last one week and another one is in Country E north of Africa and will last 6 weeks.

The first trip in Province k has been on my thoughts for a couple of days and for two reasons. Firstly i realized how far i have come. Just 47 days ago I was willing to throw this man out of the third floor window, today i have no issues at all to go together with him, sitting on a plane , sharing a rented car and staying in the same hotel. I cannot believe it, my colleagues cannot believe it. I once googled..”will I be arrested if I beat up my boss”. Seriously!! I was willing to get fired..if that was the only punishment I will receive for beating him up. So i thank God, I thank this platform, because right now that sound like so absurd. I could not even bring myself to call him my boss.

The second reason this trip has been on my mind is that I know, almost certain that I will gamble if I do not make prior arrangements or put up mitigation measures to prevent it. It has been on my mind for such a long time and i know it will happen. The stage is so well setup, it my most favorite place in SA, my self exclusion does not apply, I played there before, I will be away from family probably with some cash..and things are starting to take a good shape in my life. I have toyed with the imaginations..me sitting on the black jack table..having fun, smoking, drinking and laughing..I know for certain that I will be defeated. I have been thinking about my options….and non is as water tight as extending my self exclusion to cover the entire country, something I should have done in the first place. So I will do that before my trip.

The second business trip is to highly religious and Islamic country and i have not thought of it as much of a thread, at the moment. So I am not so worried about it and in any case I will be in a very very busy conference and hopefully there will be no time to wonder around.

Two days ago I was informed of the passing away of one of my high school teachers, A man who contributed a lot towards my upbringing, he was a really good person and we were all very shocked about it. So I will be attending his funeral in the weekend of the 20th which will be held in Province O, again where my self exclusion does not apply. I have also played in the Casino there, but somehow, I do not feel that edge like I do with Province K, but one will never know, so I would like to have this self exclusion done before Friday the 19th.

Other than that i feel so good, I have so much time on my hands, my mind is never intensely stressed, family is great and work is begging to shape up. I have avoided thinking too much about creating another income stream to help tackle my debts more rapidly. I did not want to overwhelm myself thinking to much about my debts at the begging, but I am much stronger now and I will put some attention in to it.

So back in Day 1, my most primary concerns were family, work and debts…it is just day 46..family is great..work is shaping up and debts will follow…who knows what I will achieve by day 1000…

It is a long way to go still and I am very careful not to let my guard down, every day that I am not at Casino it is victory for me..but only for that day…tomorrow is a completely different day and I know too well that this monster has many tricks up her sleeves..so I just take it easy and one day at a time.

Lastly, thank you to everyone who has contributed to the development of this platform. I dont go to GA meetings for my own reasons and I am avoiding professional counselling for now..because once you attend six sessions you are eligible to uplift self exclusion..and that is a no-no for me. So this is my only real refuge and thank you so much.

God bless all of you in your recovery journey.

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