[asdfghost]

Please, help me. Somebody. Anybody. Please. I know no one cares or would read this. I don’t care either. Help me.

[asdfghost]

I’m very close now to the conditions I was back then, at the time I seriously considered suicide. I don’t want to think about it. I want to threw these goddamn thoughts away. They are awful and unreasonable. Nobody including me would ever benefit from that. This addiction has been killing me mentally for so long, and I need to cut it off me. But I can’t. What to do? I don’t know. It’s fucking impossible. It’s no use. I have no escape ways. I’m done.

[asdfghost]

Hi marcus,
Can’t say I’m doing ok, it’s being rough currently. You can check my journal, I’m posting there a little bit much for last couple of weeks and if it’s not a bad sign I don’t know what is then.
Thanks for responding anyway, best wishes to you as well.

[asdfghost]

Yesterday and today it happened again. I wasted my time and money on this disgusting addiction. To think I somehow lived more than half of the year in ’23 without any problem. I don’t know. I just feel myself as a pathetic subhuman being that cannot control its impulses, emotions, bad habits, etc.

It all cuts off, little by little, that tiny bit of hope I had at some point, and still have, but it becomes nothing more quickly than slowly. I wish, I really wish it didn’t come to this. But our wishes, you know, they aren’t real. Actions need to be taken for them to come true. And in this case, these actions have never been so obvious. Just stop betting. Pretend you have never done that. Tear up that dirty page of your life away from the book. Start improving yourself.

I want to cry. Again.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by asdfghost.

[asdfghost]

Second this, also I’m concerned about kin’s journal as it was wrongly flagged it seems (“This topic has been reported for inappropriate content”), and I cannot write there anymore.

[asdfghost]

I want to end this nightmare. I just can’t stop ruining my f***ing good for nothing life. I know what I’m getting punished for, honestly. Lack of confidence, procrastination 90% of the time, stupid decisions and losing faith in myself. That’s all symptoms you could say, I’m surely in a bigger trouble than all that put together. I have no real interest in anything but videogames. It may be a stretch, and I have an ability to concentrate on work or study, but I don’t use it very often as I should do. I’m so, so tired of all that shit. I’m at risk of being expelled from university due to tons of academic debts. Not right now, sure, after this summer I’ll have the last chance. If not, three years wasted for nothing. And then the real danger comes. I live in a piece of shit country with conscription. Not only that. There’s ongoing war. If I get drafted I’m dead for sure.

A messy situation don’t you think? I wish I had more abilities to change my life perspectives for at least alright. I’m constantly trying to escape reality by getting into imaginary world. That’s what my parents always told me. I don’t wanna look at this dirty, stinky, garbage reality. It’s painful, and becomes even worse each freaking day. You could say I’m exaggerating. I have no pictures to take from to compare with mine. But that’s what it is for me.

[asdfghost]

Been gambling again today. And the day before. And on 8-9th May a week ago. It’s getting worse and worse. I have no real money, and that’s really good so my losses each time do not exceed $15-20 which is still kinda lot for me though. And it’s not even my own money, I’m getting everything from my parents as allowance.

It’s starting to get sick. I can’t stop wasting my time on games and money on nothing. I’ve been here, two or three years ago when I had suicidal thoughts related to the insane amounts I lost that time. And my mental condition overall was shitty to put it mildly. I don’t want to be there again. Not this time.

[asdfghost]

I’m f***ing stupid. Thought I could make it to May without any problems, just because I started to feel a little bit better…

I have no idea. Not a small grain of idea. Why my own brain works maliciously like that.

I have so many things to care about, and yet. It forces me to stay carefree, and then the addiction catches me in the most vulnerable state.

I want to cry. It’s been a long time since I did it last time, for the same reason as now. Why can’t I just stop being so reckless, why can’t I get rid of these awful thoughts.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Get well soon.

About your thoughts on operators, I agree. They are evil people… You cannot underestimate casino or bookmaker. They use their advantage over gamblers (mentally ill people) to steal money from them. We need to stay far away from these sick places.

[asdfghost]

Hey kin,

I’m doing alright. Two weeks have passed since my last failure. I had a lot of bad thoughts lately. Now I feel better.

Do you keep attending these? I think that’s nice when you have a company to share your struggles and ideas with. Should help a lot.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Stay strong, man. You can do it today, tomorrow you will do the same thing.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

I think you have a point. Every defeat we had, every fight we lost, every relapse we suffered… they turned us the better way. At first it sounds counterintuitive. However, that’s the truth.

[asdfghost]

Here we go again. That didn’t take a long time. I fell with my face down in the dirt. Is it over? I don’t know.

I’m feeling awful these days. Things just aren’t going right at all. Isn’t it pathetic to have a negative self-control value?

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Can your mind always prevail over your heart?

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

Thank you for your support, unfortunately I have no idea where to seek that help. I won’t be able to tell my parents, or any people I know irl about my problem.

What “saves” me now is the fact I do not have a considerable amount of money as I have no job, so I cannot spend my whole monthly salary, for instance. It’s kind of blessing and a curse. I constantly remind myself and am getting reminded by my parents for that reason. My family situation is also rather complicated…

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