[asdfghost]

Hi kin,
I’m glad your surgery went smoothly. Stay strong.

[asdfghost]

Hi iamhere,

Thank you for the kind words. Even though I don’t deserve them. I can tell where my life is going. That makes me sad. I’m literally 20. But it doesn’t mean anything. I’m so done with all this. Can you imagine a man that weak.

[asdfghost]

On Friday evening my mom sent me $30 to buy products until the end of month. I’ve spent 1/3 of that amount in supermarket. Five minutes ago I’ve lost the remaining money I had to gambling. I want to kill myself.

I’ve never ever said to my parents about my addiction. It started even before they got divorced. A lot of time had passed since then. My life was never truly satisfying. My only so-called joy was the form of escapism called videogames. You can say I’m young, haven’t seen anything. That I have a whole life ahead of me. I don’t want to live a life like that. Constant mental suffering and, to save at least some of the nerve cells, escaping reality. And then gambling, a mental illness that keeps destroying them all the same, and, as a result, destroys my life.

I have no perspective ahead of me. Born in a shithole country sanctioned to hell, with a fear of conscription. Even if I find a job, that would be stuff I mentioned like delivery-whatever with little-to-no pay, not enough even for renting a room. Not to mention going abroad, like, I can dream all day and night, it’s not gonna happen. I was born here and will die here. A pathetic fate.

I’m at the fourth year of university. What do you think I study? Computer f**king science. I wanted to be a programmer. Jokes on my seven-years ago self, a little child that wanted to be a “cool-hacker”. Not quite like that, but you get the point. My father has paid for programming courses for three years. I liked them. All the time and money my parents spent on me. All their love they put into me. Was it all for nothing? Isn’t that crazy?

• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by asdfghost.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by asdfghost.

[asdfghost]

Hey, my beloved GT Forums. Today I’ve gambled again. For no reason at all. Last time it happened ten days ago.
I lost about $40 this August for nothing. My parents, even though they don’t know about my addiction, finally made a good move. They stopped giving me money.
My mother wanted me to find a job, any kind of, like food/pizza delivery. I’m 20, still student, don’t have a job. That’s a shame. I think so too.
I tried only once. I came to job interview, they said I can use my own bicycle for delivery. Its back wheel was broken that time. After I went to repair it and came to pizzeria again,
the other man said you cannot use your own, you need to lease our electric bike for $60-70 per month. So funny. I gambled away my left money after that. It’s been ten days.
I haven’t come to any other place yet. I should do it. My mother with my younger siblings are going out of town almost till September. She left me $50.
I already lost $10 of them to gambling. I’m a pathetic piece of scum. Can you imagine an adult who cannot earn for himself. It’s a bad joke.

[asdfghost]

I wish I had no real reason to write here. I wish.

Here we go again. I fell for the bait of “freebets”, you know these?
They want you to deposit a small amount like $5 to get a “freebet” which is a virtual number that you can bet and if you win, you’ll have the profit (not including the amount of “freebet”) on your record.
Yesterday, or well, two days ago I downloaded a new betting app, and they gave away that stuff to me.
And I managed to keep it. The amount I won. Not for long.
Today, presumably because I did a cashout operation, they sent me another “deal” which was a “freebet” that equals to the amount you deposit.
You can think ahead what has happened next.
Yes, I lost everything again. That’s not a rocket science. That’s freaking gambling. It always ends the same. ALWAYS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Why can’t I understand matter that simple? Why, why, why, why?
Why I have to keep coming back and hurt myself, not being able to stop, always rushing with my brainless, empty head, into void.
Into places I will never come back from. Even to the place I’m being right now. Let alone these wet dreams of “full recovery” and such.

I’m very angry at myself now. I’m not afraid. But I’m really depressed at the same time, and that feeling seems to overtake my anger.
No. Just no. I need to remind myself every day. Not today. You don’t bet today.
Imagine how pathetic that sounds for a normal person to read.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by asdfghost.

[asdfghost]

Thank you, kin!

Gotta find a way to pass the next challenge now.

[asdfghost]

9 days have passed since my last bet. I managed to stay away and not gamble.
I passed my last exam five days ago. I was exaggerating honestly when I said about “tons” of my academic debts in uni.
I finished pretty much everything, expect one subject that consists only of “laboratory tasks” aka labs, and not require an exam or even a test. I’m gonna finish it off in September.
Today I came to job interview for internship for first time in my life. I can’t say I did well, neither messed up. The results will come soon in a span of one week.

Have I cleaned myself from the mud that I’ve got into while betting again? Yes.
Have I cured myself from the deeply placed disease called addiction? No, and it seems I will never properly do that.
To live in constant fear and anxiety, to suffer from these compulsive thoughts from time to time, or even every passing moment.
A destiny of an addict, truly dreadful.

I still have a light of hope. That I wake up some day. And tell myself: this is it. This is the end. You’re free.
No more addiction. No more struggles and beating yourself up. No more suicidal thoughts. No more fear, no more freaking gambling.
It’s okay to have a dream sometimes.

[asdfghost]

Glad to see the site being fixed.
Unfortunately, I slipped again. I’m writing this today, 19th June, at 12:35 am.
I managed to stay away from gambling for barely 3 days. That is pathetic.
I should be ashamed of myself for being so reckless. So dumb and careless.
That’s insane how I cannot control myself no matter what. IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE.
I cannot explain it to myself at all. There’s no logic involved. Pure idiocy.
I would give anything to cure from this sickness. Give me a break.
I’m feeling so ashamed in front of anyone who reads this.

This place slowly becomes more and more quiet and abandoned, there’s hardly any activity here.
That feels awful. No more groups, even though I’ve had a chance to take part in them last year, I haven’t even tried… and then they closed, after many and many years of existing.
No more online services such as “GT live support”, nothing left here working but forums.
And they are dying too. Spam attacks, occasional breakdowns. And less and less activity with each passing day.
It’s heartbreaking to witness. I’ve had and still have such a great respect for people who kept this place alive for an insanely long time.
From the moderators to regular visitors and posters.
I want the forum to stay. Three or four days ago, when it broke, I’ve had such terrible thoughts that it all just ended like that.
Now, even though it’s available again I can’t help but think we’re close to an end.
Maybe I’m exaggerating. Dunc or someone else from moderation team could correct me. I wish I’m wrong.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by asdfghost.

[asdfghost]

I don’t want to write it, because of the deepest shame.
But I should. I should write it down here every time it happens.

So I gambled again. Was it a sudden impulse or inevitable desire? It does not really matter after all.
I consider myself a deeply sick in the head human, and I cannot help but feel this sickness is gonna be with me forever, my whole life.
It is a pretty terrible disease.
How can I deal with it?

To kin,

Like many times before, your words told me exactly what would happen to me, and I ended up in the same pit again.
Am I not teachable? There’s been years of doing the same thing. Failing every time.
I need to reconsider my so-called strategy or whatever I’m just using to avoid gambling because it seems like nothing works at all.
There’s not even a little light of hope in the end of this damn tunnel. Only misery, disgust and suffering.
I appreciate you writing something here in my thread, trying to give an advice.
I know it’s no use before I take a step myself. Nothing will happen before I do it myself.
And honestly, it needs to be done as fast as possible, otherwise… at some point I will end up in a pit so deep, that I won’t have any option such that I still have right now.

[asdfghost]

Hi kin,

I wish I knew. To this moment my strategy was to distract myself from that by doing something else.
It didn’t really help in the end of day as we can see. My longest gamble-free period was 9 months from March to December last year.
Was it just a coincidence?

[asdfghost]

Shitty day today. Lost a lot of time to you know what.
First time didn’t lose any money. As if it’s something to be glad about.
I’m a disgusting unhuman being. Installed old ass betting app on my phone even though I’ve blocked my account in another, almost two weeks ago.
I’ve deleted it now. I can’t recover my nerves and time. I can’t get back lost opportunities through the years of addiction,
can’t repair broken mental health, can’t live my life as if I’ve never placed a bet.
I want to cry.

[asdfghost]

Two and a half days without gambling. It’s deadly hot today out there, and I go to uni every day this week because of the tests and stuff.
I’m having enough troubles to spend my time to. That’s good.
I’m still feeling anxious. Better than a week ago, sure. I’m not going to give up.

[asdfghost]

Tomorrow is my Day 1.
Enough said.

[asdfghost]

Hi, kin!

I’m so glad to be able to reply here to you again. I’ll join marcus and suggest you to keep up the good fight.

Thank you for your posts.

[asdfghost]

Thank you Dunc. You can delete two of my previous posts here, clearly they were not needed.

[Author]

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