[angie73]

once again, thanks Mav, your support and others is invaluable. i will take your advice, post in the good times and the bad. it can only help.

[angie73]

Thanks Mav for your post. i didnt see it until just now. kicking myself about that… as you know i had a binge yesterday and now going thru the emotions again. We all know that feeling… we all dread it and do what we can to avoid it. This time feels the same as last time and the time before that and so on, but I do not understand why I keep doing this to myself. A clear mind in a few days may give me some clues, but for now i must go through the self loathing, feeling sick about what I have done, and as i have read on other peoples post, re arranging numbers to get thru the next few weeks. I let myself down and on top of lifes dramas I now have this as well. I think i have said it before, but it is cruel how I punish myself by gambling, i get 1 step ahead with getting back on track and then take 7 back, feel sorry for myself, look for help that i should of sought before gambling urge took over. I NEED TO TAKE THE BLINDFOLD OFF AND SEE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ME. There is support here for me and I should use it more, even when i am feeling ok. complacency is the problem today. i was not focused on my recovery but on my destruction. There was no obvious trigger for me, just opportunity- bad opportunity. So, day 1 again. I will not count the days, I will use the phrase others are using, I WILL NOT GAMBLE TODAY. and if i can do that…..

[angie73]

Very true about keeping the body and mind healthy. It really can affect your mood by eating well and getting some exercise. Sometimes going the easy way by getting take out and sitting on the couch feels like a good idea, but it is just another way of feeding the negative parts of yourself. I do find that when I put some effort into my eating and plan some activity to get me off the couch, emotionally I feel stronger, and that helps keep the gambling thoughts away, or at least the strength to push them aside. There are so many things we can do to help ourselves, and by being kind to ourselves emotionally and physically can assist with the battle we all have with this.

[angie73]

I wish sometimes there was a quick fix for this, but there isn’t. It took a long time to get to the position I got myself in, it will take a long time to get out of it. I still have urges, they come, but they also go. So slowly does it, each day as it comes, each day as it passes is another day that I can say I am gamble free.

[angie73]

ahh, thought I was doing so well. So confident in myself. Then this weekend happened. First weekend I have been out drinking, and then the remorse of the hangover got to me. This is my weakness. The anxiety of a hangover, led me to accessing online gambling on a borrowed computer. From there, I went on to create even more anxiety. I lost (of course), not a fortune, but enough to raise the anxiety level to that old familiar level. I guess I have found a trigger, and upon reflection, that would be a common time for me to gamble, after an evening on the booze. The following day, going thru the feeling of remorse, knowing I over drank, trying to recollect if I made a fool of myself, searching for something to give me a feeling of numbness. Well I am disappointed in myself. If I can take anything out of this, I know I need to be even more aware of my actions and reactions, thoughts and emotions.
Back to Basics.

[angie73]

None of us know what the future holds, but when we are feeling depressed or overwhelmed or anxious we are tricked by our thoughts, our little voices we talk to ourselves with can be meaner and nastier than anyone could ever be. but we can challenge those voices. We can have a future, wecan make a change we can find success / love / happiness. there are no limits to what we can do, we need to be kind to ourselves first.As hard as it is to see at times you have a future Mav, it will have challenges, wont be easy, but it will be worth the fight.

[angie73]

thanks for your post.
i have shut down the online accounts, placed a blocker on the computer , and constantly reminding myself that i do not gamble. If i was able to tell myself before that i needed to gamble, i cant see why i cant tell myself I don’t. I am aware the temptations will always be there, but I hope I can get myself strong enough to see them as unnecessary distractions to my future self. We live in a world that has become full of instant gratification in most ways. Like, you need to have this, the latest that, the newest model, but its just like what gambling was … its never enough, so, I am simplifying myself. Can i function without gambling- absolutely. I did yesterday, I did today, and I will tomorrow. Its not instant, but it will last.

[angie73]

Hi P,
i have been in a couple of chats, but not many. The timing is a bit tricky for me, but when i have been in, i have gotten a lot out of them. they are a great help. I havent self excluded from any physical places, I don’t see it as a problem, nor do I have any desire to go into them. I remember the last time I was in one, and I took a good look around, I saw a room of people like me – chasing a false dream of a win that will never come, that will never be enough. i didn’t like what i saw…. i guess that what got me with online- no physical reminders no mirroring of people. a hidden nightmare.
But, I have woken up from that. Facing my reality. Its hard, very hard,but i know we can all overcome it. I am glad i found this place to connect , learn and share this journey back to finding ourselves again. All is not lost, we all have hope and a future.

[angie73]

Still checking in and reading a lot of the posts by everyone. I havent gambled, and although i still get urges and thoughts, I am trying to push them aside and tell myself that I wont go back. I have had enough of the gambling taking away my opportunities of happiness and kindness to myself. I want a future i am proud of, that I create for me and not have it taken by the chasing of losses. its time to cut it loose and reclaim myself.

[angie73]

Hi mav,
i am doing ok. no gambling, haven’t self excluded, just using the onlline blocking- really helps, feeling ok about it too. i do get the urge every now and then (even dream about it a few times), but when the urge hits, i remind myself how it makes me feel- and that seems to work. I have been getting back into exercise too which helps. I hope you are doing well, i have been reading your posts, and I know you have a lot of love and support from everyone here .

[angie73]

Hi Fritz,
Really enjoy reading thru your posts, and your approach to overcoming gambling. I have the Alan Carr smoking book, but never got around to reading it…so I will dig it out and see if i can use it to help with the gambling, and perhaps I will be able to get a copy of the gambling one in the not too distant future. Keep posting, i know I am getting a lot out of it.
Angie.

[angie73]

So i have just woken up to a new day. My first thought was what am I going to do today? And I had no idea. Which is probably something I need to look at. So then my thoughts went on. What would I do If i had some money behind me, and then it occurred to me. What I have done, in the past would of been … I got some money- go gamble, why? to keep me away from the things in life that can change me. I am a loner, an isolator. What better way to do this to myself than to get rid of my money so I don’t go out into the world and let people see me. The gambling feeds my insecurity, my loneliness and takes away any chance of change. If gambling didn’t involve taking money would I do it… probably not, I. So what would i do if I had money, would it change my approach to myself? or would I look at another way to sabotage myself. I thought about times where I wasn’t gambling, and what I did. So if I wasnt gambling, had some cash, I would probably go out on benders with friends. I don’t enjoy trashing my body that way, but I have done it many a time, and afterwards the same ugly emotions surface. So again, I don’t gamble, I don’t trash myself, what do I do? well for now, i keep digging into my thoughts and look for the root of the problem. I don’t want to substitute gambling for another self destructive action.

[angie73]

thanks, I have been reading thru your posts, and whilst that overwhelming feeling is there for you, I can sense that you have the determination to beat this, and get back on track. The business seems to be something you love, imagine how much more you can enjoy it when gambling isnt taking away your joy. Gambling is a thief of our money, time, and emotions. It hurts us and our loved ones. If it was a person, it would be the worst person to know and we would avoid them, but it is not, it is an illusion that takes away the happiness we all deserve.

[angie73]

So whilst i am gambling free since sunday, I am of the opinion it is because i have no $ to spend, so the waiting begins for payday. I have no plan to gamble. When payday comes around this week, the money is to go straight to the debt, its all set up to be instant transferred, with minimal available for the basic living expenses to get me thru to the next one. So thats the waiting, the waiting to break thru that first pay, to prove to myself that it can be done, the gambling is done with. It doesn’t serve any purpose but to bring me down, its not for winning but for punishing myself. Its time to treat myself in a positive way, i deserve better, and wont let myself damage my life. Here is the future, the past is done, it is a memory, a reminder, a lesson to improve myself and in the end, with my change, the past will have good memories,reminders and lessons to carry me forward. No regrets.

[angie73]

it was my first time on chat, and thanks for being a part of it. it was such a releif just to talk openly to you all, early days yet, but i think this is a great start.

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