[Amz1234]

Hi all,

Thank you to everyone who has been responding to my posts, I am sorry I’ve not been around. It’s been a mad few weeks. My nana can’t live on her own so I had to stay with her while mum was away and my dad had a bad motorbike accident.

It’s been stressful and I’m definitely feeling the effect.

My partner and I have been up and down constantly because of the gambling too. It got quite heated on his part over the weekend – he got paid. He keeps writing out plans together and he can’t stick to it. He is getting quite upset with himself but still is active. Now the words ‘ I don’t know what to do’ are coming out and how low he is feeling. He is paying off our holiday though and his savings are increasing so there are positives. Just the fact that all money is gone as soon as payday arrives.

The money he owes me is still the same, he gives it to me then manipulates me to give it back. He admitted to the manipulative behaviour this weekend and he says he doesn’t know how to stop it? Not always but often. It hasn’t increased but I’m getting so upset with myself. Also I have told him that I’d rather not have it back than be put through this torture, he is feeling guilty now as I know he doesn’t want to put me through this. It’s his birthday this weekend and we have a weekend away booked which again has been called off and on as punishment to me which he admitted to being punishment again he says he doesn’t want to behave the way he is but doesn’t know what to do. I can see he is is scared to rely on himself. I also know that say if he won £3k he would pay me back first, pay all of the holiday etc etc but then how long he would be happy for is another thing altogether!

He is opening up a bit more and looks for new ways to be better. I’m not sure whether he’s ready to really face it, he keeps talking about how it’s been the main focus in his life for so many years and I know he is really insecure which doesn’t help.

I am gutted as well as my finances are getting stripped. Come payday, I spent all my money on stuff and book myself things straight away so I know that it’s gone, which is good as I get respite but I wouldn’t usually act like that, I’d do things when I choose. I showed him my bank transactions since payday and he felt instantly sick and guilty as my money goes in bills, savings, a bit to him £5 here and there) but not a whole lot on me! He was pretty shocked.

Not sure where to go from here really but will continue to move forward
Amy
Xxx

[Amz1234]

So since my last post … he has been asking me to access my credit card, sending pictures of random sites with credit card acceptance. Can I send money from my credit card to my back etc etc.

Obviously none of that is possible and to be honest, even if it was, I wouldn’t do it. The desperation of this abuse and addiction becomes clearer by the day.

It is shocking, he has messaged to tell me that he will stay at home on his own this weekend. I’m somehow winding him up and making him angry. I’m not sure if he is trying to punish me in some way or thinks I’ll give in and withdraw cash from my CC or something. I won’t.

He gets paid Monday, into my account still as he said he wanted to do it for a few more pays and if he continues to hassle me he will change it. I agreed but also unsure what to do if he won’t change it? What a mess!

Thanks
Amy

[Amz1234]

Hi,

I hope to speak in real time tonight to update you and clear my mind. I have had a tough week.

I have protected my savings and left myself with nothing… yet he is still telling me how much he wants to bet (the masters) … he borrowed money from his dad at the weekend for the grand national and golf. He lied to him and told him he was short. Got very upset with himself.

I don’t know what I can say as I feel like he is going to ask me to use my credit card or something (I am keeping that as I know I’m responsible (999 credit rating) however I’ve told him I’m keeping it only until I get paid. I’m scared he is going to leave me no option but to leave soon. I don’t want to but this can’t continue. I think he is worried about it but it’s hard to tell.

I wish I knew what to say to pacify him about the masters, he now not only can’t accept losing he can’t accept not being able to bet? Is this part of it?

I’m feeling at a loss and incredibly small and stuck.

Thanks
Amy

[Amz1234]

So yesterday was not a good day for my strength in breaking my own cycle. I am really angry at myself for giving in to the manipulation and yesterday afternoon I did. Not terribly but enough to make me realise that the words used are still having this panic affect on me.

Some of the funds were for him to sort himself out with a haircut and things and some was because he was just begging. It really frustrates me how I can be so strong willed one day with him and the next be so weak and tired and just give in. Is this common?

Because of this, I have taken steps to protect myself and him by moving all my accessible non necessary cash to fixed notice accounts and savings accounts held away from my main bank. Realising I am part of the problem is a massive step and I know if the choice is taken away from me and I leave myself with actually what I need to live on and put things in places I can’t see it easily access it will stop me enabling him completely rather than strength one day, weak the next and then feeling awful because I know it just prolongs everything. It makes the NO a lot easier to say and the conversation shorter. I shouldn’t have to do this but it is where I find myself and I am pleased I’ve done it – putting the money in there will absolutely not be an issue for me and keeping it in there won’t even be a conversation!

He is aware I have done this too. I feel good about it – also that my savings will now be respected (by me for my own spending habits too- so it’s a good decision for a few reasons!) … I never have given him cash I need and I would Nineveh either, it has always been savings I don’t need in the short term. Total lack of respect for myself and my hard work.

This was a habit I developed when I didn’t know the strength of this addiction. At first he asked to borrow money because of a tax bill issue – naively I believed him. That is where this started. Then guilt tripping, using it as a reason not to see me so I gave in, it’s incredibly hard no to think he might be using me when I start to really analyse what’s been going on. However there have been times with no gambling and he stayed with me so I don’t think he is using me, I think his addiction is.

I hope this all makes sense?

Thank you Velvet, I look forward to speaking to you too. You are a great help x

[Amz1234]

Hi Momof2kids

I feel for you, I really do. This illness is the most horrendous i’ve ever faced and seen someone have. I thought I knew addiction – I really was naive.

There are some really helpful people on the forums. I also joined a chat, I think there is one tonight. which really helped me find a positive mindset.

I hope you are coping ok
Amy

[Amz1234]

A little update from me, the threats are continuing about how as I’ve not helped him we should break up. He’s sending the most awful messages, like screenshots of messages about events saying I can’t come, and he is already planning his life without me… then 5 mins later sending me a picture of a horse race and the odds, that particular horse won and he then sent a screenshot of that too.

I am still holding my nerve and still remaining calm, even though I just want to shout, scream and cry. I have of course not given in – I recognise the pattern now and I still hold in my mind that he doesn’t want to be like this and I choose to think he will be disgusted by his behaviour. I am responding reconfirming the boundaries conversations we’ve had also explaining that I’m not giving in because I want to protect us. I love him very much and I’m struggling to understand how he can do this to himself, and me too.

The gambler in him is so toxic to his wellbeing, it is awful to see.

I haven’t seen him yet, I intend to wait but I expect to see him this week. He has been telling me all sorts of lies about getting paid Monday so it will be ok to lend him money, the desperation in his tone of text is so sad. I wish he could see it. I am hopeful he will see it again soon. It hurts so much especially knowing I can’t really help him unless he wants to help himself.

I at least feel proud of myself for not backtracking on our serious conversation about boundaries on Sunday. I can say that I have not enabled him this week and that alone is an achievement for me.

Thanks
Amy

[Amz1234]

Thank you Velvet – i seem to have missed your last comment on the forum. Your time was so very appreciated this evening. 

I need to have a think about a few things re his family, how to best approach the conversation, in addition to how to handle the money situation too. I will be back soon.

Amy

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