[Amber_Disfordone]

Cruising do sweet of you to check in on me. I’m doing good. Day 24 now! I hope you’re doing well too!! ❤️

[Amber_Disfordone]

Thanks guys! That is so true and I think that that is something that has finally clicked this time… I know not that one I stop going to meetings and writing here it’s only a matter of time until I will gamble again… not this time I’m sticking around I’m going to continue with GA!! I will be diligent. Odaat! ❤️

[Amber_Disfordone]

Happy birthday to you! What a great gift to give yourself! Freedom!

[Amber_Disfordone]

I’m so tired of ending every year thinking thank goodness this year is over…as if the year has anything to do with it. So tired of the life I was choosing to live before. I really hope that I can stay focused on what is important. I want to be in December next year thinking “Wow! This was an amazing year!” And be able to be proud of myself and my growth and look back at all the happy memories created because I didn’t let gambling tarnish any of them. I don’t know if it’s good to be wishing into the future… but I can get there one day at a time. ❤️

[Amber_Disfordone]

I don’t know about you all, but for me when I’m in these very low days time slows down almost to a halt. I relive every last relapse try to remember all the mistakes that I made to get me back to this place. It’s almost as if God slows down time because he wants to make sure I take the time to GET it finally. I hope so. I hope I’m learning. I hope I can grow and change from all these terrible dark times and experiences so that one day I can look back and say they were all worth it because I will be so proud of the person I became and this was just the path I took to get there.

[Amber_Disfordone]

So today is my 7th day. Feeling better,feeling like I can stick to this. Going to a meeting every day reading a lot tuning in to some podcasts. Looking forward to it beautiful life one day at a time

[Amber_Disfordone]

Well today is my fifth day for sure without gambling. Went to a zoom meeting this morning but I didn’t share. I’m just so emotional now. I am going to make it a goal to share something every time tho and also to get to a face to face meeting

[Amber_Disfordone]

Great achievement! I love the acknowledgment that God is walking beside you… all of us… I’m certain he is tired of the casinos too!!

[Amber_Disfordone]

I’m so upset about the money, but that’s gone and I can earn more. I’m just so livid about the joy that I wanted to say it stole from me, but no that I chose to give away to gambling. I am so humiliated I can’t look a single person in the eyes for the past 4 days because I’m scared they’ll be able to see the ugliness inside of me. All day at work avoiding and then the worst part is when I go home and feel the same. And they have the whole truth and want to try to love me through this. I hope I change so it is all worth it for them. The joy that I give away to gambling even once I’m done. I have a date with my daughter tomorrow I hope I can muster up the excitement she deserves. I have been here before I know it gets easier but I don’t know if I want it to because in the past that is a beginning of another go around in the ring with my demon. Not this time!! This time I won’t get back in the ring, at least not today one day at a time.

[Amber_Disfordone]

I didn’t make it to the in person meeting this morning but I did go to one online that I think I was meant to be in instead. A lot of things said I needed to hear. I spent some time today looking back at what I was writing here in the past. There is hope. The longest I’ve stayed committed to this journal was 43 days from what I can see. The fact that it got me to 43 days shows me that it does help. I must be diligent with this, with meetings, prayer. Those things have helped. Not doing them has always led me back to devastation. I can not do this alone. I am powerless to gambling.

[Amber_Disfordone]

Thank you Charles and I know that’s true. I cannot let go of the life line that keeps me safer from gambling. I tried to get int a ga meeting online today but I am having technical difficulties. I’m happy that there are in person meeting options again I intend to go to my first in person meeting in 13 years in the morning. Zoom is so great and such a convenient option but I feel like it will feel a whole lot more real in person. I’ll see tomorrow.

[Amber_Disfordone]

Thank you so much! I know that you are right. Time and effort and proof of dedication to living the right way is what I need to do. It’s so hard not to focus on the pain that I’ve caused yet. But someday one day at a time I know. I hope you are having a blessed day ❤️

[Amber_Disfordone]

You’re so right Kin that is I’m sure where I have gone wrong with every attempt at recovery is when I think I’m strong enough I forget that I need ga I need God and I need to acknowledge every day that I am an addict and forever will be. But I want to acknowledge that daily so I can stay in recovery instead of this constant round and round with relapse. I wish you strength. I wish someday we all wake up from this nightmare.

[Amber_Disfordone]

So happy to see that attempt 3 is going well for you!! It’s also so nice to see some success stories that stick around. Keeping hope alive. I hope to never catch up to your many days but to gain on them one day at a time indefinitely

[Amber_Disfordone]

Just wanted to get some messed up thoughts out of my head. As much peace I know I will have once I have finally let go of this demon the thought of saying never again scares me. I’m in this abusive relationship with gambling where I remember all the good times just to get punched around again and again. And worst of all I have become the emotional abuser to the people who I really love. All the passion I’ve put in my demon has been devastating misplaced. I hope to see the day when they are finally getting what they deserve from me and not the bs that I have left for them once I come limping home with my tail between my legs. They greet me with love and forgiveness that I don’t deserve and so far I just take that back to the casino. Not again. Not today at least one day at a time. Today the emotions are coming a lot of tears shed. Hopefully the ones that will finally show me that this is rock bottom. Tears that can float me another day further from my self destruction. I listened to a podcast today that suggested I never forget this pain. Don’t dwell but don’t forget. I hope I can always heed this advice

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