[AmandaKN]

Hi!

A little update on how things are going for me. I’m now 10 days clean from gambling. A lot of things have happened personally that has kept me busy, and today I knew that the busy-ness would be coming to an end and really felt that urge to go – realizing I tended to gamble when I had spare time and no structure. But I am staying true to myself and fighting that urge and made myself work on some things and take time to write on the gambling help websites. I did end up taking a week off, last week. I then decided to finally get myself off this anti-depressant that I had been tapering down off of for months now (okay-ed by doctor of course) and I had been going through severe withdrawals, so I submitted for a personal leave of absence – kind of tieing everything together – stopping gambling, going through the withdrawals, and once those withdrawals stop (coming soon, it’s already been getting a lot better), going to be looking into finding a new job and looking into going to school. I took my own advice, some advice from people on forums, and took the leap of finally getting out of the call center field I’ve been stuck in for years. I am going to find something new and take a leap of faith. I know a horrible job is a huge reason I do gamble – to escape. When you’re in a job – whether you want to admit it or not it’s the majority of what you do during waking hours and if you don’t like it, it’ll slowly kill you inside. So, I still have my job, but I’m on a leave and hoping to find a new one. In the midst of all this was some legal issues with my sister’s boyfriend so I was helping them out with that and being there for them. I’m feeling pretty good… withdrawals are still there but getting better (its hard to explain, but the medication Effexor is horrible to get off of and it takes so long to finally feel “normal” again). I’m damn proud of myself for not gambling throughout this 10 days and I’m gonna keep fighting it. That’s all I can do! It’ll be a bit tough financially on my boyfriend and I during my leave and finding a new job, but it has to happen. If I don’t do it now, I don’t know when another opportunity will come. Saw my therapist again yesterday and that was really good! It made me feel good about my decisions – I laid it all out to her – explained everything that’s been happening and she agrees with what I’m doing. She really helped me to realize I am one that needs structure, no doubt about it. I always kind of knew I thrived better with structure to my day. But I’m now realizing how important that really is. It’s when I have no plans and am bored that I am most likely to gamble. So I’m going to try and plan my days with structure and instead of overwhelming myself with this big task – find a job that I can do while going to school that doesn’t make you wanna shoot myself – I need to break it down into little bite-size pieces and schedule it out. Write down the goal and all the different branches that stem from that goal in order to achieve it.

Here’s to not listening to that horrible little voice trying to get you to gamble!! The little voice was nagging me today pretty bad for a bit – but I was vocal about it – to my sister and boyfriend and they helped remind me not to do it, and it felt good to be honest that it was happening a bunch and own up to it. Usually I’d internalize it until it bugged me enough to give in. NOT ANYMORE!!

I also mentioned to my therapist that I am interested in the counseling field and was thinking that I would make a great addiction counselor once I have more recovery time under my belt. I felt kind of silly, since I’m just now starting my recovery – but she made a good point. That a lot of addiction counselors go into those fields because they once were there, too. And starting recovery and then looking into it and educating myself and taking steps to make that profession happen are all part of my recovery, too. And it would all be helping me and making that much more capable of helping others, while helping myself. Just a thought – not sure that’s what I want exactly but I think I’d make a damn good one 😉

[AmandaKN]

Hi again –

Yes, out situations may be very different, but it’s all the same since we both struggle with gambling addiction. I don’t know if I necessarily don’t have good opportunities to control it…there are things I can do (GA, forums such as this, etc) and people I can reach out to (again GA, boyfriend, good friend)…

But yes, my mother was my rock and that shattered my world when she passed. She was the first person I ever brought up my gambling problem to… And she was surprised, but supportive and loving. My dad just doesn’t understand it… my sister and her boyfriend just get frustrated because it continually happens. You mention your dad has the same problem – it definitely can play a factor… genes that is. I found out after confessing to my dad that my great grandfather had a bad gambling problem. So much so that he bet his really nice cabin in a poker game and lost it – or it would still be in the family…

Thank you so much for the control strategies you listed. I will definitely be putting them into motion. I already started iwth the positive affirmation this morning – today I will not gamble. I’m on day 3. I’ll be looking into GA again – it’s a necessary.

I love that “Remember you never won and never will.” Very true. Instead, I lost – big time.

Journaling is on my list of things to start doing consistently – I would do it here or there, but not much else. Journaling kind of goes hand in hand with these posts I do, too. Just letting stuff out.

I also love that “Take one day at a time. Focus on the now and forget about the past…” I don’t want to forget about the future because that’s my motivation. A better future. Just have to figure out what that means/is.

There’s a website called fuckgambling.com that I found helpful in the past and will start to regularly read it again. It’s all about how casinoes hypnotize us and everything about casinoes is meant to pull us in and get us hooked. Even from the way the machines are set up, where the doors are, the sounds/lights, everything. It’s sick and twisted and reminds me again why I like that website because it puts it point blank how it’s like us addicts are rats in their maze.

It is all in the mind and I need to clear my mind. That’s why I’m taking multiple days off to try and start some kind of foundation to take on reality. You and I are both strong, intelligent people. This addiction can take hold of anyone. Please keep writing and anyone who reads this also! Love the communication of people who understand.

[AmandaKN]

I don’t gamble online – tried it once but didn’t get the same thrill or whatever it is I’m seeking. I go to Indian casino’s. And I had banned/excluded myself 2 times in the past, currently am excluded right now through June. However, that doesn’t stop me, obviously. I don’t go to the real local one in town here, but there’s one that is 20 minutes away that I still go to and never get caught even though I’m on their exclusion list… risky as all hell, I know. But knowing I haven’t got caught in the past keeps me going.

What triggers me? Boredom. #1 thing. It’s the only hobby (for lack of a better word) I have – since I started going consistently it’s the only thing that gives me a thrill. Sometimes I have to just go to sleep to stop the urge. My boyfriend suggests many other things to do but I don’t want to do them when I’m “in it”… so sleep helps stop it. But I need more than that to stop it, because obviously it hasn’t worked.

My family knows all about it. And my dad just thinks I’m nuts and it should just be cut and dry – just quit, just stop. He loves me, but he doesn’t understand it. My mom passed away not long after I confessed to her I could tell I had a problem. This was when it wasn’t nearly as bad as it is now. She understood the irrationality of addiction, she was a nurse, so she was comforting and there for me. Still didn’t understand it like someone going through it, but she was a lot more willing to listen and not roll her eyes at me like my dad. My sister and her boyfriend know all about it and finally just got to the point of not wanting to hear about it anymore. They know the damage it is doing to me, they don’t understand this addiction, but my sister is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but she doesn’t understand the psychological part of this type of addiction. It isn’t physical – it’s all in the mind. The last time I reached out after a gambling binge she and her boyfriend basically came back and told me that if I don’t reach out beforehand to try and stop going, don’t tell them after because they don’t want to hear it. So, they’ve had enough – as have I.

I use cash to gamble. Used to use credit cards, but luckily my cash limit on them is low so haven’t used them in over a year. Doesn’t help I declared bankruptcy for reasons besides this, but then my credit card debt was wiped away, too. So, it was like a fresh start, but here I sit with over $1,000 in credit card debt again. Even though the cash limit is low, I’d use up my money and then use credit card for everyday expenses when I shouldn’t have been. That has also lessened quite a bit.

So, I don’t really know what strategies I could use to control my finances. Besides start with asking my sister if she would be willing to monitor my online account so she can check for when I withdraw large amounts of money. Then again, my addict would come up with other ways I’m sure. Sneaky son of a bitch.

Sounds like you have a plan in place. A good one, too. And that you’re making progress. Good for you!

And I’ve felt the way it feels to be gamble-free for over 30 days and the way it felt to have $ to spend on other things – enjoyable things. It feels amazing. But the addict is stronger than that feeling, so that’s where the struggle is.

I’ve decided I’m going to really start being healthy in the physical sense too – I love walking and feel so much better when I’m healthier. So, today I am starting that again too. I’m obese and have a binge eating disorder, too. So, that’s something I’m working on with my therapist, too.

Lot of things I typed out there – but for today I’ve come up with the following as a plan:

-Use Online forums – read and write
-Go back to GA (work up courage)
-Live healthier – eating and being active
-Journal
-Hobbies – try a new one each week – for a 1/2 hour

[AmandaKN]

Thank you for replying back to my post.

I agree – I need to find someone to control my money. My boyfriend struggles with the same problem, though not nearly as much as me, but he enables me. So, I don’t think he’d be the best to watch my finances. We have a lot to work on with us, at this point it feels we are toxic to each other. But he saw me at my absolute worst these past couple of days and I think he’s finally understanding that it’s not something I can play around with – go only so often type thing. It has to be an end all this time. So, that makes me wonder who I should have watch my finances – my sister or my father… but doing that is something that seems very hard to do. I’ll have to keep thinking on that. Maybe start by giving them access to my bank accounts so they can watch what I do… Not sure yet.

It most definitely is a disease. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I never imagined in a million years I’d be dealing with this for myself. I’m intelligent. I know that I am. But, sadly this has nothing to do with intelligence – it can happen to anyone.

I gamble when I’m bored or when I have a good chunk of $ in my bank account. I’ve never had over $2,000 at one time in my account. I don’t know how that even feels. I don’t save anything, I spend it all – at the damn casino. Even when I’m way up, I go way down before I can stop. Even then I don’t want to.

Yes, there is hope. I’m starting to believe that. The only way I’ve been able to get up and do things today – cleaning the house and putting in time on various forums. Trying to come up with an ultimate plan for this to be my last time. Still not sure yet, but gonna look back into GA and gonna use these forums consistently. That’s my plan at the moment.

[Author]

Posts