[alicyat824]

Laurie,

First of all let me say that you have come to the right place. I myself have met many a great person on here and I’m glad you’ve found the community we have. As Velvet said above this is the place to LEARN more about your situation and how to interpret it. Also in agreement with her, your first priority should indeed be yourself. It will be the hardest habit to break but you should work at it diligently. You are IMPORTANT. You are the only one who knows yourself well enough to give YOU everything YOU want and need. And the best way you can remind yourself how important you are is to remember that Self-care and Selfishness are two COMPLETELY different things. You can never see yourself as ready to support and help someone if you cannot do those things for yourself.

I encourage you to use the live chats (they’re great for instant feedback) and to continue to peruse the forums. We understand as perhaps no one can.

All my support
Ali

[alicyat824]

Velvet, I very much can understand your insight especially more now that I went to my Gam-Anon meeting last night and my “family” there told me essentially the same thing as you when you say I have allowed my CG’s gambling to affect me too much as I very much have. They offered me the ideas that many of my plans and ideas on how to better the situation while in my head are good decisions for me I still am basing a lot of my decisions on him and his gambling also. I am helping myself without fully “letting go and letting god” and that is my biggest and deepest underlying struggle.

Jenny, my happiness does very often seem to depend on him these days, no matter the amount I supposedly concentrate on me I have yet to find what exactly works for me to actually seperate my happiness from his. I have indeed taken the necessary steps to secure my own finances, and do not feel that I am at any risk financial unless I were to enable him willingly I dont think he could access any of my money

Ali

[alicyat824]

Hi San

Welcome to the site, you have definitely come to the right place for insight on any thoughts you may have related to your loved ones gambling.

I commend your position on your CG’s gambling and your strength in your position and the realization you cannot control or fix your CG’s problems. I myself still struggle with this regularly. You have made all healthy decisions for the two of you. You have remembered that you are the most important person in your own life and that you must take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else. That is the absolute most important realization you could have come to.

kudos to you
Ali

[alicyat824]

Jenny,
I certainly have plenty more to learn in the communication department so no I am not communicating the way I should (I think thats what you are asking) and I am wholeheartedly listening when he talks to me but this is a rare thing, I don’t have to work very hard at it because it isn’t happening regularly. I am listening to myself and hearing it but it is hard for me to implement.

Velvet,
The information that put me between a rock and a hard place requires a bit of back story so I’m sorry if this is long and drawn out. I have long since known about the gambling issue itself and have not “officially”found anything that leads me to believe he has relapsed. When he originally came clean to me about his financial troubles related to gambling I was put in charge of the finances (we are not legally married but we may as well be for this purpose) in an effort to put me in charge I was given a list of all login info for any sort of financial accounts online such as the bank account, credit card accounts etc. In this process I was NOT given the login info for one particular account used for credit purposes (it lists accounts, debt and an estimated credit score). But I am able to log in to this website because all of his usernames and passwords are about the same so I figured it out.

So, one day I tried to log in to one of his Credit card accounts and was locked out, i asked him why and he said he had to reset the password, ok, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave him a day or two to resolve it. He kept saying he had to call, now this was about a month or so ago. In the mean time by logging into the credit reporting site I discovered he had not only applied for a new credit card, gotten approved for it, and maxed it out. None of which he told me. This new card is with the same old company he already has one with. Now if I had been able to log in to this company I would have seen it right away which is why I think he has failed to rectify the login issue with the account. I also found the new card in his wallet. Now because he technically did not give me the login info for the credit reporting site I never would have found this info had I not been snooping. I’ve tried to get him to simply tell me about the card by bringing the website login up multiple times to no avail.

As for your other questions, he had been attending GA with me for awhile but has not attended in a couple of weeks. I support him and “remind” him of which meetings are in session on any given night but he’s always “too tired” or “not feeling well” So I go alone and enjoy my reprieve but wish he would make more of an effort in his own recovery.

thanks girls
Ali

[alicyat824]

Been so long since I posted, I miss the community but I have found so much comfort in my Gam-Anon family I haven’t been compelled to post unfortunately. I need to work to give back to the community here also!

I’ve been feeling very frustrated with my CG and myself as of late.  I’m frustrated in general because of our lack of communication over his struggles with his gambling problem for one. He is not big on communicating his issues to me and I find that just being there to listen when he is having some sort of mental battle is my best role. I am not enabling nor trying to change but simply lending an ear to listen and it worked well for both of us (I think) for a while. But not so much anymore, we don’t talk about much lately. And besides him not being forthcoming, I am also not very good at asking either. I can definitely feel and see when he has some sort of struggle but in my desire not to be a nagging partner I often keep my mouth shut when I shouldn’t. This starts a vicious cycle that includes the lack of communication. His internalization. And my everlasting curiosity on his struggle.  I have backed off in my desire to change for sure but I have not given up my desire for knowledge. I’m certain it is still a way I feel in control of the situation by knowing exactly what is going on in his life.

During this cycle, when he doesn’t talk to me, I go to find out the information on my own anyways. By snooping in a serious way. I want to know EVERYTHING and I certainly find it out but then I inevitably put myself between a rock and a hard place because I’ve got the information but the only way I could bring it up for conversation is by selling myself out. I don’t want to let him know how inappropriately I delve into his private time and finances but because he has not told me what he has been up to I have no other way to bring it up.

Through this cycle I struggle to find ways to communicate more effectively so I do not have to snoop and I also struggle with my desire to know everything.  

[alicyat824]

Velvet, I felt as though he was doing good because he had been very cooperative with our money situation, we’ve gone through the cycle of him having and then not having access to his money on multiple occasions as I’m sure many partners and CG’s go through. Generally when we hit the “no access” stages he is cooperative but generally grows more bitter and reluctant/ resistant and tries to “handle” the situation himself and ultimately has a lapse in judgement leading to poor decision making. This “cycle” however I have seen minimal resistance and he has been more cooperative with the process. We have some rough moments but have overcome much of our communication issues on the subject of money, spending and the desire to gamble so this was my feeling that things were going good. They were better than past attempts and that was the good in it.

I’m not quite sure that grateful was the correct word to use but it was definitely like you said about bing happy to know what is going on in his head. I do feel as though I reacted in a positive way by simply saying no that I didn’t want to go to the casino and that I also thought it was a bad idea for him to. He simply said okay and that was the end of that.

I’m not quite sure I fully understand your concept of “mind bets” I get the explanation you provided at first but lose the analogy towards the end of your paragraph on it.

My next concern whilst we were on vacation was when I tried to bring up the concept of the casino self-ban that originally brought me to this community in the first place. I only asked if he knew what it was to which he replied yes and then I asked if he would be interested in doing it again he replied to say “if it was necessary”. I was a little thrown I have to admit because although I do recognize the disconnect that exists in an addicted persons mind between a problem and a debilitating process it still never ceases to amaze me how one who has literally rebuilt from absolutely nothing more than 10 times in the past year can still not see such a helpful step as “necessary”.

I’m slightly ashamed at myself for thinking so harshly of him but am at least proud to say I don’t express everything that I feel with regard to such.

Ali

[alicyat824]

Very frustrated today, my CG has been doing so well under pressure, I have been thoroughly enjoying my gam anon meetings and today while away on vacation my spouse asked me to go to the casino with him. It is an utterly defeating moment to be asked such a thing when you have been making such strides, a small insignificant moment in his eyes but a world of hurt in mine. I am almost ashamed I thought he was doing so well and yet again I have to be grateful he asked my opinion instead of running out of our hotel room at the wee hours to go by himself.

[alicyat824]

I’m actually not quite sure my CG knows that self-banning is an option that exists.

[alicyat824]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, I appreciate any and all feedback I have gained from this website.

To BB, I have read quite a few of your posts and I have to say that i’m almost mad at myself that I don’t know the exact date my CG last gambled, I’d like to have a running number of days like you. I think he would be proud of that. I actually attended my first Gam-Anon meeting last night, unfortunately where I live i had to take an 85 mile trip to accomplish that feat but I was determined and the others at the meeting commended me on my perseverance towards self-preservation. It was well worth the long hours.

Velvet, I’ve have seen your replies to many posts and I really admire your insight. I appreciate the way you speak to people and I’m glad to have your response on my post. I have tried my best to make myself available for F&F chat times but I have a busy schedule and it’s not always easy.

thanks again
Ali

[alicyat824]

Hi BB

I have recently joined the gambling therapy community and I have caught myself up on your story and I have to say I am so proud of your accomplishments. It is so easy to see how strong you have been and how far you have come through your ordeal, I am glad to hear how well you are doing with your last update and I hope myself to be at the same level of confidence of my decisions related to my CG as you are.

God bless and keep pushing through!
Ali

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