[akapmat]

Just dawned on me, 50 not out…………
I treated my wife for Mothers Day, felt pretty good, knowing that I earned the money to spoil her and it wasn’t through ill gotten gains. Better still, I could actually do something nice for her without holding back because I had lost a small fortune. It’s a different feeling, a good one, but honestly there is part of me that wants to try and win the money back I spent on the gift for my wife.
Thanks to all, for your support and kind words through the first half century of gambling free. ODAAT…….
 

[akapmat]

Haven’t had a dream like I had last night in a long time! Now that I have got your attention, unfortunately it was about gambling. It was so vivid and I woke up with urges to gamble. They were so strong that for the first hour of being conscious all I could think about was what I could wager on today. I watched ESPN, checked all the scores, looked at what games there were today. Even picked out the winners! It was just like old *****……………………..
While the urges have somewhat subsided, the work day is over and I really fancy a wager tonight. And, to make matters worse, today was payday! So, here I am writing and it’s helping, per usual. Do I really want my whole night consumed by watching the sports ticker? No, I don’t.
That’s it, I don’t want to, so I am not going to. I am stubborn and love a challenge but good grief the temptation of gambling is awful. This is a test, will I past……yes! However, I don’t like how quickly the gambling urges return. Glad to have barriers in place.
I have a plan, next week I will be able to pay more of my gambling debt off. So, if I gamble today, the plan will go up in smoke. The 15% I paid off last month, will mean nothing because I will no doubt lose it tonight.
UGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Odaat……..stay strong and best to all.

[akapmat]

Neva, wanted to say thanks for your positive comments on my thread. Glad to read you are doing well with your new house and animals.

[akapmat]

6 weeks…….
Communication, gave it less than 12 hours and then I had to say something to the individual who had been caught in a ***. Problem, solved, very apologetic.

Fairly obvious…….talk, write just get it off your chest and I have found when the gambling urges come along it is very helpful to communicate. Writing this journal was a missing link for me, finally an outlet without the fear of being judged or embarrassed for being a cg. It’s part of me, I don’t like it, but I am finding ways to control it and start discovering the real me, the happy me.
Odaat……..stay strong, best to all.

[akapmat]

Discovered another trigger today one that I never knew existed, problem is this one I don’t have any control off. People who are two faced…….I am so annoyed right now, all I can think about is placing a wager just to take my mind of this person. Nice to my face, stabbing me behind my back. If I confront this person it will open a can of worms, that will make me more irritated and more likely to gamble. So, I will smile back and nod my head when I talk to this person, knowing what they have done and wonder in an amazement how they continue to *** right to my face.
This situation has brought to my attention how nonchalant I have become about my gambling addiction. It had become quite easy to avoid gambling the past week or so. I was doing very well, under control, not being tempted. But, like most of us cg, there is always something that will provoke us, particularly when we least expect it. I let down my guard, clearly I need to be more vigilant.
Still, and this is the truth, just writing this note in my journal has helped me get things off my chest and calm me down. I will not gamble, I have come along way since March 23rd and I won’t let one person spoil my good work.
odaat…………..stay strong, best to all.

[akapmat]

Nothing like being stopped dead in your tracks………..All I can say Harry, is your points are valid, certainly made me think.
Honestly, the one thing that always brings me back to gambling is trying to clear my debt. I guess I won’t know how I will feel or what will happen until I clear the debt created by gambling. It feels like a weight hanging over my head. I did it to myself, so before the recovery can begin, I have to clear the debt.
Harry, you are correct, it’s not much of life. However, for once in a long time I feel in control, even if it’s a false feeling. I have to start somewhere and can’t fix everything all at once. So for me, right now this is working, it does feel good to be 24 days without gambling and to have cleared a portion of my debt.
 

[akapmat]

Harry, you address some excellent points. I appreciate your input and certainly it helps to put things into perspective.
My issue has always been, "extra money" that I earn. I work extremely hard, sometimes 7 days a week, taking on work that perhaps I should pass on. I enjoy work and being busy, but in the back of my mind is the "extra money" will be my gambling money. The emotional, physical and social destruction of working all those hours for nothing after losing it all is something I want to avoid at all costs. I have to pay off my debts and destroy my credit cards. This is something I have always wanted to do and I am determined that I can do it. I am hoping to be clear off my debts within 6 months. How will I feel if I do this? Right now, fantastic, but I sense it might be a different feeling when it happens. Perhaps I am focusing too much on clearing debt and doing it too fast, but it provides me with a sense of purpose and control.
An interesting point about allowing myself to celebrate for completing a month without gambling. It’s a benchmark, something noteworthy, but I understand that gambling + celebrating don’t go together. I should look at a month without gambling as the norm and not make "special" reference to it.
Triggers, they will always be there, hard to avoid for a cg. I enjoy watching sports, still, even without gambling on them. The Masters is wonderful event and yes I did wager on it last year, among many other things. Did I pick a winner in my mind this year? Sure, and I understand it could have triggered me. I only watched the last 9 holes as opposed to the entire four rounds like I did in the past. I know I shouldn’t put myself in this position, but its like I want to prove to myself that I can control my urges. Spoken like a true cg!
Just read when I wrote……..maybe I am not doing as well as I thought I was! It maybe a month on Friday, but there are many signs that I could resort to gambling again.
Odaat…….
 

[akapmat]

Agreed, Neva, about the month mark and feeling like I deserve a reward and a little wager wouldn’t hurt. Of course it would, so this Friday I will think of something else to celebrate.
Weekend done, didn’t really think about gambling. However, it was the Masters golf tournament and was reminded that this time last year, I was in the middle of a purple patch, winning some serious money.
Not good thinking about the past, but it was a good reminder that I must keep looking to the future……..Odaat.

[akapmat]

Took a couple of days away from writing this journal, just needed to get my head straight and be there for my family. Starting to come to terms about the death of my dog, so is my 6 year old. Still very strange not having him around, the little things are noticeable i.e. opening the door and not being greeted by unconditional love.
On the gambling front, it’s been 3 weeks since I lasted wagered. I have been here before, but usually it’s this timeframe that I succumb to temptation, after all I have proved to myself that I can quit, so a wager won’t hurt……..yeah right! A week from today, it will be a month, only once in the past 29 years have I got that far…….almost there.
Good news, today I managed to pay 15% of my debt. Still along way to go and several thousands to pay back, but a good start. The target is to pay off another 10-20% in the next couple of weeks.
Weekend ahead, not good, but I know I can get through it without wagering…………..staying positive.
Thanks for reading and your support. Best to you all, stay strong…………odaat.

[akapmat]

Thanks runninggirl………..today was better.
As for gambling………I just know it will be three weeks on Friday since my last wager and it’s getting easier. But, weekdays were never the problem it’s the weekends. No dog to take for a walk anymore! March Madness finished, baseball season not being paying attention to it, just NBA and soccer to deal with.
Best to everyone, stay strong and take odaat………..

[akapmat]

Vera…..just an awful, awful day. Had to put my dog to sleep after discovering he was riddled with cancer. Found out about a month ago, watched his health decline quickly and had to make the decision to end his suffering. He was my buddy, the first thing I was ever responsible for on my own. Now he is gone…………then telling my 6 year old daughter the news, just completed a terrible day.
So I decided to stop gambling and boom it coincides with the news of my dog having cancer……….
odaat!
 

[akapmat]

Terrible weekend at least I didn’t gamble! Tomorrow is going to be a nightmare, don’t know how I am going to react before, during and after. Hoping I can stay strong for everyone!
odaat………

[akapmat]

Well, day 15 is over, probably the worst day yet.
Of course the team I picked, won! Not sure, what I am most annoyed about, the fact that I put myself in the position to wager, or I wasted a day thinking about gambling? I am surprised that I didn’t gamble, should feel good, but I don’t. Not sure what I feel, just mentally exhausted.
Odaat…..

[akapmat]

Crisis averted, didn’t give into temptation (for now)………unfortunately, I will now be pre-occupied for the next two hours checking the score of the game I was going to pick.
What a great way to start the weekend! I am cold, miserable and my head is spinning. Maybe, I need to find a job at the weekend to keep me busy because this is ridiculous what I am going through right now.

[akapmat]

Urges are incredibly strong to bet………3pm kick offs just around the corner. I have a game picked, can’t lose! I know how to get money into my account, so very tempting. Going to try the chat room. hopefully there is someone to talk to. The next 50 minutes are going to feel like forever.

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